Boyfriend not the father I had hoped for my son

[OutsideEveryday]

DS is 4 months, first child for us both. DP has always wanted to be a father and was thrilled when I got pregnant.

But since DS has been born, DP has struggled with a lot of elements of becoming a dad. First off, he’s a great guy and there’s a lot he’s been great at so not dragging him here. He just doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing (I know no one does when they first become a parent) but it’s like really basic things.

Examples - he’s putting DS in his car seat and he starts to cry, DP just continues doing the straps up and doesn’t talk/sing to DS or try to distract him with toys or anything, just sort of ignores him and looks really stressed.

He also takes an age to change a nappy, like lines up the tabs so precisely and pulls them really gently to open and sometimes I’m just thinking god we’ve got to be somewhere soon 😅. Then if DS starts to fuss he gets flustered and then will forget to button vest up, or put his socks back on or something.

Prob the most worrying is that he really doesn’t have any patience at all when DS is crying and he doesn’t know why. If he knows it’s hunger, or wind or whatever he is fine and will feed or burp him. But if he doesn’t know what’s wrong he sort of panics and he’s said multiple times ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you’ and looks really flustered. A few times has shouted DS’s name in frustration. I will always step in and take him so DP can go calm down.

I think the crux of it is he wanted to be a ‘perfect’ dad and whenever he feels like he’s not then he gets upset with himself.

What can I do to make him see he’s trying his best and that all parents have to go through a learning curve? I have told him, probably near on a hundred times, that no one is perfect and that babies cry for no reason sometimes. I try my best to stay positive and chirpy but when he’s in this head space he is just so negative.

Also (and please be nice here) am I being unfair? Should I be more supportive? Is it awful that I feel disappointed that he’s not the father I thought he would be? I’ve never ever said that to him though, always tell him he’s doing amazing.

Is there somethings that he could be the expert at to build his confidence. With our first l was very nervous at bath time as afraid l would let the baby slip. Dh totally took over this and knew l depended on him there. Also at night l would go to bed early...say 9 and dh would stay up until 12 so l knew l could relax for those few hours.
This was mostly in the early days and l know your dc is 4 months. Could he take him out for a long walk in the buggy so you can chill but there isn't much hands on stuff. Play to his strengths.

What we're his family like growing up...he may have underlying issues here.
I feel sorry for him with the nappy thing as my ds has difficulties with fine motor skills and l could see him struggling with that and l would be grieved to see his partner judge him.

Try very hard not to step in, unless he is shouting or endangering the baby. In fact try not to be watching over his shoulder. He will be slower than you, changing nappies etc, so allow more time. Remind both of you of the things he's good at.

He doesn’t have any difficulty with fine motor skills, he’s an engineer. He just takes time because he has a bit of a perfectionist attitude and panics that something will be wrong. Like if the nappy isn’t lined up exactly with the tabs then it will leak, and baby will cry, and then we have to change him, and then (in my partners head) he feels he has ruined the day. I do try to be patient but he is like that with many things and it does get draining, when you constantly try to reassure someone that they won’t ruin the day just because of a nappy leak!

I don’t think you should have to constantly reassure him so much of simple things. Maybe that he’s doing a good job, but less on basic facts? How about : ‘I’ve told you many times that the nappy tabs being perfectly aligned is not an absolute must. If the nappy leaks it leaks. If that makes you feel you’ve ruined the day then I am honestly so over reassuring you all the time as well as doing most of the parenting of our baby. From now on you are just going to have to remind yourself that cleaning up a messy baby is normal life now, not an event that ruins the day. Please could you think of how you would treat someone at work once you’d told them something a dozen times?’

It’s still very early days, you both need to be supportive and kind to each other.

I remember when ds was 6 weeks old, screaming “I can’t f*cking stand this” when he was crying all evening. I literally screamed it.

Don’t make this bigger than it needs to be.

Can you find a sitter for the baby and have a really frank conversation with him. Explain that you’re not worried about the physical care he provides and you think he’s a great dad in many ways but you are worried about his confidence and ability to regulate his emotions. Explain how it must feel for a baby, who is so reliant on their care takers to keep them safe and make them feel loved, to feel frightened. Explain that this could impact your son in a long lasting way if it keeps happening. Ask him to seek help from your local mental health services. There are low level ones that anyone can access that run courses on self esteem and managing emotions etc that he can take online. Also ask him what he feels he needs in addition to this to feel more confident and calm and if there’s anything you can do. He might feel he needs more modelling and reassurance.

Like if the nappy isn’t lined up exactly with the tabs then it will leak, and baby will cry, and then we have to change him, and then (in my partners head) he feels he has ruined the day.

And there it is.

I wasn't concerned until I read the part where you said your DP shouts at baby. That is very worrying and unacceptable. I wouldn't EVER leave baby alone with him if he can't regulate and control his anger. It is a recipe for disaster, your baby's safety comes before his need for more exposure / baby training.

You need to tell your health visitor and ask her to signpost you to services who can help him. In addition, he needs to talk to his GP because he sounds unstable/ like he could have postpartum depression/anxiety (that's a real thing for dads too). Best of luck OP. It's not your job to parent him remember, it's your job to look after baby.

Really??? Who is helping op? You have such low standards for men 🙄

@OutsideEveryday sorry for the late reply! It's a bit of a weird one for us because although DH would often take Ds for a walk in the pram or I'd go for a sleep upstairs for an hour or so, we didn't really go "out" at all his first year because of COVID. I think that's part of why DH struggled, he would go out to work so spent less time with the baby than me, but when he was home it felt quite intense because we wouldn't really go out or have visitors or anything. And I was so used to getting on with stuff on my own, he just felt like "you're so much better at this, I'm useless".

But I can say confidently that from 2 onwards I could go out and be sure DH would be fine at home with our son and he'd often take him to the park for the morning at weekends etc.

As long as your partner is caring and engaged, I think you will be fine in the long run. He'll find his groove, even if you might cringe a bit because it's not how you'd do things!

I think as mums we are so attuned to baby's needs we know that we need to regulate them. Men also do seem to be worse at multitasking than us. None of what I've read here sounds that bad or unusual though.

Just remind him that if baby is crying, if dad sings to him calmly not only will baby be reassured but dads breathing and heart rate will slow down. Perhaps practice together and Agee a song like twinkle twinkle little star so it's easy to go to 'in the moment'

Ok sorry I have just read he shouts at the baby. This is not on at all. You both need to talk to the health visitor about this so that they can signpost your family to help xx

I think when you're saying he "shouts at the baby", you mean he has shouted at the baby once, during a particularly stressful moment? There's a difference between the two.

I and I know of at least one other friend, shouted at my baby during a stressful day a few times (my second was one of those particularly tricky babies that would only scream themselves to sleep for about 6 months, it didn't matter what I did and I felt guilty leaving him to scream so he would scream on my chest, in the sling, in my arms). My DH would take over at the point I had a meltdown (when he was around). He's much more patient than me and I think maybe only shouted once. Parenting is hard, he knows, you know, I know that shouting at a baby is wrong and pointless but it is hard!

I love the idea of explaining that when you're checking in if he's dealing with a crying baby that you're not checking so much on the baby, but more on HIM and if he needs/wants you to take over then that isn't a failure on his part it's just that it IS HARD!

The hubby is just lacking training, and as a consequence, confidence.

Unlike women, men do not need to sing or dance in the face of a crying child. Buckle the belt and away!

If nappy changes get a little heated, don't take the child up. Ignore the child.

Talk to your husband and calm him now and use it as a training moment.

Use humor. Maybe even stop-watch the nappy changes :D

It's a confidence thing. I found with both mine my husband became a better dad as my kids got older. He was useless when they was tiny but as they got older and started talking and doing things he become a much better dad. I think it's hard for dads they don't get the maternal instinct we get. I would say back off and give him time. He will come into his own soon. My husband is an amazing dad now and the kids absolutely adore him.

He will sense your disappointment. Meet him where he is, encourage him, point out the good things he does. He sounds like he’s trying too hard and needs to relax but clearly he feels the weight of responsibility. Just try to be as calm and positive as you can. He’s trying.