Do you expect your sacrifices to be paid for ?

[Irelandscaul]

Following on from a comment I read regarding some advice from Phillipa Perry, I’m wondering how many parents, and particularly mothers, expect their children to repay or look after them because of what they did for them?

I see a real range of views in real life.

NO.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not! They had no choice in your decision to be parent!

Not exactly like that. Not in a tit for tat way.
I hope however, that how I raise my son will help him to become the sort of person who appreciates what others do for him and wants to reciprocate. I hope we have a relationship which means he will want to spend time with me even when I am an annoying old lady.

No.

In my family, we all live close by and it's more of a "it takes a village" ethos, I drive so it makes sense for me to do trips to hospital or pick up bulky goods etc. When I needed them my parents provided childcare for Dd as they had the free time. My dad helped with decorating or minor car issues. If I had a leak Id call him and he'd be straight up a ladder to have a look. It's certainly not paying back sacrifices BUT there would probably be considerable bad feeling if I didn't pull my weight when my skills were needed after taking from them as it were.

No

Interesting @Singleandproud and I think that’s a very loving and healthy way to approach your relationship.

@swantail I hope the same. Monkey see monkey do so to speak

Good grief, NO.

Why is choosing to have children a sacrifice, FFS? If you don’t want the responsibility of kids, don’t have them.

It’s interesting because I see 2 sides with my MIL and DM.

MIL raised a big family and was reasonably comfortable and quite selfless. Doesn’t expect a huge amount but because she’s so lovely her children all love to spend time with her. Any slights are swept aside and there is an understanding that love and respect are there even if we sometimes slip up

DM had a smaller family but a tougher time of it and really expects ‘payment’ Nothing is ever enough but she gives a lot but expects so much in return.

For example, she provided me with childcare but I paid as a childminder (and was happy to do so as she doesn’t have much and I could afford it ) This is held up now as a ‘look how much I did for you’

In turn she has a difficult relationship with her children.

It’s really making me think as my own reach teens !

I think here, you'll get a lot of responses saying no, but in real life, lots of parents have an expectation of loyalty and care from their children.

And when that is expressed on social media including mumsnet, quite often the people who reject that are dismissed as the 'selfish generation' who only care about their own needs and desires.

Also, on mumsnet in particular, the reverse is true where a lot of adults seem to think that their parents should e.g provide childcare, sometimes very intensive childcare or financial help.

And the responses agreeing with that are quite often "if they won't help you out now, screw them in old age if they need support".

Which suggests a lot of people seem to think parental relationships are transactional.

Nope. I’m hoping both of them with disappear abroad to a better way of life and not give me a second thought in old age.

@SlothBabyTruth You have hit the nail on the head there.

I think when a relationship becomes transactional it becomes problematic.

I can never buy my mother a gift, she will as soon come back with something of the same value. I think it’s meant well but making a relationship transactional is just not a great idea

Why would parenting be viewed as a sacrifice, surely it's a choice?

No I don't expect any payback at all from my children, I expect to be self sufficient and fir them to enrich my emotional and social life, but I don't see it as transactional.

Really though. I’m not hoping that, I’m hoping that we have a loving warm relationship which involves kindness on both sides. I would hate for them to be tethered to me but equally I would hate for them to forget me

No. And I've never thought of myself as "making sacrifices" either.

No, it was decision to become a parent.

What did Phillips Perry say

I certainly felt like I should (and spent many years doing) paying my mother back for her years of caring for me.

Ha ha I honestly don’t mind. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy, but I would HATE for them to stay in the area, marry a local girl and have kids who go to the same school as they did etc etc. I would consider that a massive, massive fail.

I say no but I hope they'll remember me on special occasions, want to see me and spend time with me.
I don't consider my sacrifices were for them. They were for me so I could live life with the priorities I wanted.

Honeychickpea · Today 11:14
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I certainly felt like I should (and spent many years doing) paying my mother back for her years of caring for me”

Good god being a parent isn’t about payback. I hope you don’t expect the same.

No, definitely not. They didn't ask to be born.

I will say that I have tried to "pay forward" the benefits I had from my parents. For example funding me to go to uni so am willing to do the same for mine. We can afford it and it just seems fair having had the same advantages. My parents have never expected any sort of recompense and neither shall I. They said their aim was to give me (and sibling) a good start in life by becoming independent. I feel by doing so I have honoured their commitment.

However I have always tried not to be a mummy martyr (my mum was and it wasn't a good look!) My kids know I will always tend to their needs but me and their dad have needs too which need to be accommodated. After needs then "wants" can be addressed but they know that these need to be balanced fairly too because mum and dad are individual people too not just parents.

So whilst I don't expect them to nurse and fund me in my old age I do expect mutual thoughtfulness and respect. Luckily that seems to be the equilibrium that we have reached (they are now 18 and 9). Whether that is their upbringing or just luck though I don't know!

Yikes, no!
IMO it's parents' job to do all they can to help and support their kids. I would never want my kids to feel they had to look after me because of that. My parents do everything they can to look after themselves, stay healthy and stay active and would not want to be reliant on their kids. We live too far away for that to be possible anyway.

Your MIL sounds lovely!

It was in the context of a difficult and demanding mother / daughter relationship. Daughter could never meet the needs so the advice was to put up boundries and learn to live with the guilt. Be kind but distant effectively. Easier advice to give than to do I think !

I wouldn't expect my children to care 'for' me, but I hope I have raised them and loved them in a way that they'll grow up and care 'about' me. So I hope they feel like they want to be in touch and they care about my general wellbeing etc...

I don't feel like they owe me anything though. I chose to have them and so the responsibility that comes with that is on me. However that doesn't mean I don't hope they grow into appreciative people who are thankful when people go out of their way for them or are generous with them.