Do you expect your sacrifices to be paid for ?

[Irelandscaul]

Following on from a comment I read regarding some advice from Phillipa Perry, I’m wondering how many parents, and particularly mothers, expect their children to repay or look after them because of what they did for them?

I see a real range of views in real life.

No, but I think it's important to pay it forward so to speak.

My parents benefitted a lot from their parents' babysitting when my sister and I were little. They now help me out with childcare. So I see it as my responsibility to help my children out if they become parents.

I love my kids but I don't want them to be responsible for me in later life.

I must admit that I would love a full house at Christmas etc but I know that's never guaranteed ❤️

I’m hoping both of them with disappear abroad to a better way of life and not give me a second thought in old age.

I don't agree with this.

I fully agree that our DC don't 'owe' is anything and aren't required to pay us back in any way.

I would hope, because it's lovely if it works, that out mutual love & respect for each other will mean we'll continue to support & care for each other, as much as we can or is practicable for both.

I wouldn't mind if my DC moved abroad - but I'd miss them, and would hope we'd have a way to continue our connection. I would hope that seeing me would be at least 1 factor in their long-term plans too!

@EarringsandLipstick I imagine that’s how most of us feel. I do wonder though if this can change as we age

Good point.

My DM has become extremely transactional as she aged, and following bereavement.

Not that she wants us to do anything for her, but her capacity for empathy & emotional support (always limited) is really absent - for some of the family. She's mired in her own grief & it's like that has to be a priority no matter what. I've gone through a horrific divorce, I'm bringing up 3 DC with no help, and not only has empathy been absent, she's been directly cruel. It's like she needs to transfer her own pain, and I think she feels that's ok as I'm 'her' child.

It's been devastating.

I worry about this for myself, actually.

I'm a single parent, no relationship of any kind since my marriage ended (there was no choice). I'd like to think there's a future for me in that respect (I'm mid-40s) but I worry somewhat if I'm alone, might it feel like pressure for DC?

On the other hand, I'm a very busy, active person by nature so hope when they are adults I'll continue to create a life that offers me various outlets and not feel dependent.

I think in the past when women had no access to contraception and were endlessly pregnant, children were born whether you wanted them or not.
you probably were grateful for a happy childhood because chances are your parents probably didn’t want to have a massive family.
but now when it’s parents who have the choice, they owe their kids .

That sounds really hard @EarringsandLipstick . Well done for holding it all together. I wouldn’t write yourself off yet but the fact that you are aware of the potential pitfalls in over relying on your children means you are unlikely to do the same

They aren’t obliged but I know they will because they’ve been raised in a family who look after one another.

@Witchesdontburn Good point, many of our grandparents likely endured rather than enjoyed mothering !

Thanks @Irelandscaul

My kids are teen / preteens now. I think probably the key point for us is honesty - I mess up all the time but we talk, I'm honest, they tell me exactly how they feel.

I think that probably will continue into adulthood.

There's a massive lack of openness in my family of origin unfortunately.

The ironic thing is a lot of my mother's hurt is from her DM, who lived to nearly 100, and was very cold & unsupportive to my DM (even while living with us for the last 10 years of her life). My DGM was lovely to the rest of us but my DM cannot get over how she was treated as a child and subsequently. She doesn't see she's largely doing the same to me - and never would.

My MIL says things like "I babysat for you thar time when it was your birthday so I expect you do do x, y, z for me in return". So yeah, her model of parenting is calling in her debts!

@EarringsandLipstick Recognition and self awareness is everything. That generation aren’t always open to self reflection. It can be good in terms of resilience and stoicism but bad in terms of relationships

I don't live anywhere near my dcs and certainly don't expect or want them to care for me as I age. I'm not their responsibility.

My views on this are a bit more nuanced than expectation or entitlement.

As I’ve got older, I appreciate, more and more, the love and care that my dps showed me, the sacrifices that they made. I think that success and contentment is part of the payback.

I also feel a duty of care towards them. For instance, I’d always offer to drive them (eg collect them from the airport) because of all the nights my dad collected me and my friends on nights out without a word of complaint, and the patience of my dm teaching me to drive. I don’t think of it as a debt to discharge, but just a loving kindness that’s in my power.

I do hope that one day I might be the beneficiary of the love and kindness dh and I show our elderly dps, and that my dc don’t view it as transactional, but see a value in caring relationships. But at the same time we want to make provision for ourselves so that they’re not buckling under a burden that’s too heavy to carry.

My family has be built around the other generations doing what they can for the other generations and I would expect no less from my daughter.
My great grandfather and grandfather cared for me as a baby and my mum cared for both of them in their old age.
When my mum had a fall earlier this year I cared for her on my day off.
I expect my daughter to supply cups of tea and her time if she can spare it. I'm not going to add up the sleepless nights and count the grey hairs but I do expect kindness and compassion

No I don’t. But at the same time, I have a family member who has completely turned their back on their elderly parent at their time of greatest need and I don’t understand that at all. Without going into details, substantial discussion has revealed no good reason for this. The effect on the parent - who only wants to see them - has been devastating. I WANT to be there for my parents when they need me, because I love them and they have always been there for me. So no, I would never demand or expect but you’d like to think they’d want to, not in a direct hands on caring way but having a supportive relationship. Unless the parent has done something terrible, a “nothing to do with me” attitude from the child strikes me as incredibly callous.

I agree this is incredibly cruel. I have many differences with my DM but I would never turn my back on her