Do you expect your sacrifices to be paid for ?

[Irelandscaul]

Following on from a comment I read regarding some advice from Phillipa Perry, I’m wondering how many parents, and particularly mothers, expect their children to repay or look after them because of what they did for them?

I see a real range of views in real life.

No! When you have children you do so with the knowledge that they will bring challenges, tribulations and hardships - any sacrifices you make dealing with that you take on willingly and knowingly. Having a tougher time with it than you expected is no reason to demand recompense from the children you chose to have.

My daughter does not owe me for her existence. Everything I provided for her I provided because I love her, and because it's my job as her mother to do so. She owes me nothing.

My mum raised 7 kids and had a right go of it, went through hell and back several times, but has never expected a single thing from any of us. We all dote on her because she was a wonderful mother and we love her, and she will be well taken care of to whatever grand age she lives - but she would never, ever expect any of that. Her reward for everything she sacrificed raising us is having 7 happy, healthy and successful adult children who adore her.

No I won't expect that of my own children and I am making plans to financially support myself as I age. I didn't make sacrifices for them I made them for myself because I wanted to experience being a mother and raising children. It was a choice and actually a selfish one. I've had years of their unconditional love and entertainment. They don't owe me anything. That said, my own parents and in laws have always supported me and I care about them immensely so of course I will want to help them out when they need it. And to some extent I so see it as my duty to do so. Of course if you have a difficult relationship with your parents it is less clear cut.

That's how I feel @Aria2015 . I hope we'll have a good relationship when we're older and be in frequent contact, but equally if they decide to move to Australia for example I will wish them all the happiness in the world (and miss them dreadfully I expect!).

I'm also hoping if they decide to have children of their own that I can provide them with more assistance than I have had because it's tough doing it without a wider family.

Not expect, but hope.
We chose to have our children and we chose what we did and didn't sacrifice for them, I don't expect payback. DH and I are financially secure and so hopefully we will be able to make appropriate arrangements for our old age. But I do hope we will continue to have the kind of relationship with our children where they will want to spend time with us. I'd be hurt if they disappeared without trace, though of course I expect, indeed hope, that they will become independent with families of their own and will naturally have less time for us. I hope they'll be there for us in our old age if we need them, but from love, not a sense of obligation and I certainly don't expect that I will always be the most important person in their lives.

Not at all. I chose to have them so everything is on me. They can't be held responsible for my choices

No, of course not. I chose to have my ds. He gives me joy, is a 20 year project, the ultimate act of creativity.

I spend money and time giving him opportunities because it gives me pleasure. He has already 'repaid' me.

This is something my Mum should have done. My Gran had huge expectations of her, partly I think as she had helped out with childcare a bit when we were young, but partly just her personality. My Mum was treated like crap by her, and almost broke herself working full time and martyring to look after my Gran as she got less able, and really was at the stage of needing carers.

My Mum's 3 siblings who all lived varying distances away were treated like Royalty for visiting twice a year. At first my Gran would sing my Mums praises to them, but never to my Mums face, never thanked her or told her she was appreciated. Never financially compensated her for all of the costs she incurred caring for her, despite having the money to do so. Later on, no matter what my Mum did it was never enough and she would tell my Mum's siblings all of the supposed failings of my Mum.

If you are nice and appreciate help, I feel it is much more likely to be forthcoming.

I don't expect the same as i don't have, and won't have, children.

Fair enough. Had you, you may have felt differently. Devoting a great deal of time to an elderly parent is very difficult and often incompatible with family life. Just not doable for most people.

I don't always see it as directly transactional but lots of people seem to think it is. Sometimes, it's more of an unspoken contract that nobody really agreed to but are expected to act on.

I see soooo many posts on MN by adult children aggrieved that their parents aren't financially supporting them and also not going out of their way to financially assist by providing childcare. Or are financially assisting but not providing childcare.

No child asks to be born so the responsibility is on the parent to raise them till they reach adulthood/independence. But legitimately, the line should end there. Parents of adult children capable of looking after themselves and earning, shouldn't be expected to financially support them or offer childcare for years to help out.

Some people would say that's the unspoken contract you enter into when you have children though and any parent not doing that, should not expect love, care or support by their child in old age and I'm not a fan of that.

But I also don't think that having children means they owe you anything when you're old.

It's complicated.

The whole point about a sacrifice is that no payback is expected.

Yes this, and so far my teenager is just that, more a mutual respect thing than a payback thing

Woman I used to work with had 2 daughters who she brought up herself albeit with accommodation and monetary assistance from her parents. She told me many times that once she had retired she would be moving down south to live with her daughters (Both unmarried and now in their late 40s) and would expect them to look after her until she died as it was payback time! She was a victim of DV, the girls father was never in their lives, and she never had another relationship but even so - expecting this seems barking mad to me! I can't think of anything worse than expecting my children to look after me in 20 years time just because I haven't got a partner. They can shove me in a nursing home and only visit once a year if they like!

No, I want my children to live their lives.

If I need something from time to time, then yes I'd like them to help me. But I wouldn't want them doing something for me on an ongoing basis that is onerous to the point of damaging their own life. Honestly, I'd prefer to be euthanased.

No, sacrifice is not something that is paid back anyway. I have sacrificed - as a lone parent I have put my career on hold and my social life, but that’s fine - I made the choice to have my kid. All I hope for is that we have a positive relationship when she’s an adult, and I get to enjoy her company. That’s all. But that’s not repayment that’s just because I love her!

No but then I'm also not aiming to raise a bunch of selfish children. So whilst I wouldn't want them to do X because I raised them, I was a SAHM, I cut back my hobby to be around for them, my body will never be the same etc., I'd LIKE them so do stuff because they love me in the same way that we always have MIL for Xmas because we were both raised to think about other people and we love her.

I do wonder if our views change as we age. My DM was mostly a single mother and is still alone so perhaps that colours things

I'd be pretty hurt if I'd poured a load of love and effort into my children as adults and they just washed their hands of me, yes. But then it's about having a two way loving relationship rather than totting up favours. Sacrifices for a child I think are one thing but choosing to accept loads of help as an adult from someone you'll never even try to help back is pretty poor behaviour.

MIL would happily have us sacrifice our lives for her. I refuse to do so and have categorically said she'll never live with us. She's a control freak who takes over if she's ever stays. I no longer invite her. The emotional blackmail she uses is unbelievable. DH visits every week and calls most days. It's never enough. She needed taking shopping every week on top of visits, that is until we found out she had two other family members taking her shopping every week.
MIL isn't even slightly grateful. All she does is moan and make P/A comments. The problem I have is that I know she never helped with her parents, nor has she ever had any real involvement in our DC's lives. She expects because we had help and free childcare (from my parents and siblings despite her living as close). Also because her parents were looked after every day by their DC, just not her. She moved away when her DF had a stroke. She is healthy.
I'm a MIL and a DIL. I also have a life threatening illness. I refuse to let DC care in any physical capacity. Not only should it not be transactional, it shouldn't be an expectation.

No, I only have 2 and there's a good chance they'll move abroad like so many young people do. I just want them happy and living their own lives to the fullest.

Of course I hope we'll have a good relationship when they're adults and that they'll phone and keep me updated on their lives but I don't expect any caring duties from them.

My husband and I are very well prepared for retirement financially so I think that's the best way we can try to provide a comfortable life in old age for ourselves.

Absolutely not, I do expect respect though, which my 16 year old is struggling with atm 🙄

God no, absolutely not. I hope they live their own lives and I really hope they keep me in them, because I'm NC with my own mother, but that's all. I would hate for any of them to have to care for me or their dad if we were sick or elderly.

I hope that my sacrifices will be paid for by having children that become happy and productive members of society (no way of guaranteeing this, though). I don't expect repayment in any other way.

Like previous posters, I hope they care about me and stay in touch and show me how to use the holoprojecter or whatever we are using then to speak 😀 But I don’t expect care

Like in all relationships, you reap what you sow. I don't believe blood is thicker. I try to look after my DM in old age as she's been a decent mother. I don't feel the same about my DF, coz he hasn't.