Children who don't go to nursery

[beandream]

Hello
My daughter is 22 months and hasn't been to nursery, primarily because I just can't afford it. I'm not even sure if I'll send her when we get some funding as we went for a taster day and she screamed for the whole 30 minutes when I had to leave her. It was just awful for everyone and I couldn't bear it, but as I said it turns out I can no longer afford it anyway.
My concern is that she will fall behind in speech and socialising. She doesn't like to socialise with anyone that she doesn't know and when I heard the children who went to nursery speak, they speak a lot more and much more clearly.
Is there anything I can do for this? Or is it even worth worrying about?
There's mum and baby classes but anything more?
She's very attached to me and not comfortable with anyone but immediate family

No of course she won't fall behind. There is no benefits to nursery before the age of three it's simply childcare.

She's not yet 2. In my opinion you don't need nursery at that age provided you are doing some socialisation such as toddler groups, meeting up with other parents at the park etc.

Do you speak to her a lot, sing nursery rhymes etc? I think it must be hard these days to make sure there isn't too much TV background noise or being distracted by your phone.

If you are worried about language ask your health visitor to check in case a referral is needed.

Most children benefit from some sort of nursery setting in their pre-school year. Would you get a place at a school nursery then? She's still very young and a lot can change. She might be fine to leave you in a year's time. But it isn't always an automatic thing and some settling time with tears etc is normal as they make the adjustment. They are usually fine once you've left. It would definitely be harder for her in reception if she's had no nursery preparation at all

This.

DD1 is starting nursery soon just after her 3rd birthday. There was no need for her to go before then and I think she’s ready now - she wasn’t before.

The year between 2 and 3 is huge and they come on a lot.

None of mine went until they were 3 or 3.5, I wasn't working so there didn't seem to be any need. After the first I didn't really bother with baby/toddler classes either.

They are now 6, 7 and 13. All completely different personalities. All happy, sociable and doing well at school. No speech delays or problems at all.

Remember also we are coming out of covid times, so many months off nursery and school spent with immediate family only. Children are remarkably good at finding their own way and who they will be.

You could try again at 3? Mine started at 2.5. It was fine for one, but the other would have been better going at 3. Late Dh grew up in another country. His mum couldn't afford nursery so he just started school at 6 and he had great social skills and was academic.

If you are engaging with her, taking her places and doing activities , all evidence is that she does not yet need to go to nursery and is fine with you. The reason there is universal funding from 3years plus is because this is when the child benefits from the structure, routine and socialisation that comes from going to nursery.

She will change a lot between now and 3 and likely be ready by then. Don’t worry about it right now, she can get everything she needs from you if nursery isn’t financially viable

I read a book called ‘How Not To Fuck Them Up’ which was dead against nurseries. And in some countries kids don’t go to school until 7 and there is a strong belief that bring with family is best for them before then.

I think that your dd will be a tiny bit behind when she starts reception but she would have gained a lot from all the one on one time with you. Don’t worry but maybe try to spend time with her with other children when you get the chance.

I was made to feel like this as well - I did send eldest at 2.7 for a few days a week ( was pg and hoped it would help her) and she was just 3 when she was eligible for pre-school.

Not sure it did pfb any good possible made her slightly more anxious .

We were out at toddler groups most mornings and I spoke a lot to them anyway - both of which I was criticized for by same people often. It took time for them to be happy wandering off by themselves at groups and be round others but I hung out and played with them and they got there with time.

I had speech issues and I did worry about kids having them - but they spoke early and had wide vocab and when we did have concerns with DS he had glue ear I don't think nursery would have done more than me his mother did or would have picked it up any earlier than I did base on his pre-school experience.

So I don't think before 3 nursery does any good and after not completely convinced either though mine all went.

Mine started pre school 3 mornings a week (age 2y 1m) and I think he is benefitting from it. It's only for 3 hours at a time but he does lots of activities and asks to go back when we get home so seems to enjoy it but equally would have been ok to carry on as we were at home/attending groups/going out. We still do those things, pre school is just an addition.

Once they get to 3 though IME most toddler groups don't have kids that age as they are all at nursery/preschool so if you want they to interact with children that age and maybe know other children before they start school - it does feel like they need to go.

I wish I had posted and asked this when my children were little. Many family members who worked kept feeding me this narrative that they needed nursery for socialising. I worried about it so much but now my children are older I can see that it really was fine to wait til they were pre school. We did toddler groups together a couple of days a week

It’s not beneficial to the child till after age 3, prior to that it’s only beneficial to the parent as childcare if they work

In my experience the parents who send their kids to private nursery tend to be more engaged with them at home - remember they’re usually wealthier, often both parents are working - which is why they speak clearer. Yes nursery does help as you have access to other kids via birthdays / playdates on top, but they can’t magic communication skills out of nowhere.

If you’re worried about her communication just take her out to more places and make her responsible for certain things: eg my DS always pays on public transport (since he was 1.5) / ‘orders’ his meals & I encourage him to say thank you and goodbye afterwards. Little things like that will build confidence.

Mine only started nursery at three, but were fine with being dropped off. There were a few things that had eased them in to the idea:

We had playgroups near me (a lot folded during Covid) which were a 2 hour drop off and you were expected to help once a month or so.

The gym I went to had a creche they were used to going to.

They stayed with family semi regularly

Keep talking to her, keep reading to her, keep teaching her different things like flower names or birds on walks, how to hold spoons, colours etc, keep taking her to soft play and mother/baby meets. Open up her world to different experiences and she will be fine.

EDIT the children who went to nursery speak, they speak a lot more and much more clearly.
If she has a dummy then absolutely insist she takes it out to talk.

Niece didn’t go until after she was 3, she turned 3 in July and went to nursery in the September, she’s not behind, she’s very chatty.
my sister did take her to every single thing that was going on though lots of groups every week

That isn’t true. For children who qualify for fsm all nursery is beneficial as kids have regular access to things they wouldn’t necessarily have at home (books, hot meals, toys). For kids with abusive families you basically can’t start early enough. Also kids whose parents are with gp / family while parents work also benefit from early nursery The ‘start at 3’ benefit only applies to wealthy families where Mum / Dad are SAHP.

My DS went to nursery for a year from 18 months to 2.5 years (because we needed the childcare).

It definitely didn’t help his socialising/ speaking. He talks non-stop at home, in full sentences. At nursery his “target” was to learn to say two words together. I think he basically said yes or no and just sat quietly all day.

During that year he moved to 3 different rooms and had 5 different key workers. No-one had developed enough of a relationship with him to bring him out of his shell.

So after giving it a good go we took him out at 2.5 years and he’s started going to a childminder instead.

I’m sure there’s many good nurseries (ours had a good reputation) but it’s really to provide childcare. Kids are fed, watered, a few activities, but not much 1:1 engagement, which is really important at a very young age.

We will consider preschool when he is 3.5 or 4 I think to get him prepared for school.

Cannot remember with my three but granddaughter started nursing at 14 months and her speech was still quite delayed until she was 3 ! Speaks for England now ,a few months later !

That's not true that the parents need to be wealthy. You invented that bit.

I'd definitely start her at 3 since you don't need nursery for childcare but it can absolutely be beneficial for socialising, getting ready for school etc at that age.

Mine started at 3 months but that's just because we needed it for childcare. I love his nursery though and definitely see benefits to him going.

Mine didn't start until age 3 when they got funding, they are absolutely fine. I definitely think they need to go before school starts though, build up to it.

@JustAMinutePleass Wealthy..? I thought most didn't get funding until 3 and only people on certain benefits could start earlier?
We were on tax credits and barely scraping by but didn't qualify until 3.

I'd use the free nursery hours when they become available. Mine went for 3 days from 2y3m although we didn't need the childcare, but we had to pay.

If I couldn't pay I'd be looking at sessions which mimic the nursery activities - stay and play at children's centres (plenty are still open around here), classes which incorporate turn-taking, snacks and circle time, one o' clock clubs, playgroups, drop-off classes when they're a bit older.