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Original poster

DD's nickname for her black doll

81 replies

Luhou · 23/10/2023 20:32

No offence intended by this post. Looking to educate myself on how best to teach my 3 year old about this topic.

My DD has a black doll, it's one of her favourite dollies. Without any infulence from anybody she has deciced to call it "chocolate". I feel like this isn't really appropriate but I am struggling to find the words to explain this to my three year old.

Any ideas on how best to explain this? We have had general discussions about different people having different skin colours but everybody being the same.

Just incase it's relevant she's just three not nearly four but generally has a good understanding of things.

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Whattodo112222 · 23/10/2023 20:49

I would simply just say that all people (and dollies) go by a name rather than an object.. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on colour and rather treat her saying "chocolate" as an object. I try to teach my daughter we don't see colour when interacting with people. It doesnt sound terribly awful in any case, she is curious and learning.

happylittlesloth · 23/10/2023 20:51

Get her a book?

Pradder · 23/10/2023 20:54

“I think dolly would like a name that isn’t to do with how she looks”
”People don’t like it when other people talk a lot about how they look. Some people think it’s a bit rude. People like being called by their names, that’s really nice and polite.”

Something like that? And maybe suggest some other names. Sweetie? Aurora, like a princess?

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Blueuggboots · 23/10/2023 20:57

My son did this with friends at pre-school.....they were brown, and so was chocolate, so they were chocolate children...

No input from us to reach this decision, we are absolutely not racist!!!

We just said it's not nice to comment on the way people look and you can't call people chocolate....

SecondUsername4me · 23/10/2023 20:59

Have you asked her why she's named her chocolate? Sometimes little kids are incredibly simplistic: "because she's my favourite dolly and chocolate is my favourite food" could be reasons other than what you think.

If it does come about that it's because she's god dark brown skin, then as another poster above suggested, say she needs a name rather than an object to he called. Suggest Coco?

JustAMinutePleass · 23/10/2023 21:54

This is a good collection of tips for white parents. Also speaking as an Indian I think white children would be less likely to differentiate based on skin colour if parents integrated better into their local communities (ie use local shops, cook a wider range of food) and showed an interest in different cultural events.

https://jri.org/blog/first-connections/talking-about-race-and-racism-young-children

Talking about race and racism with young children

Race and racism are tough for adults to talk about in this country, and many adults think that by not talking to children about race, they will grow up "color-blind" and not racist. But the truth is that children begin to notice racial differences as e...

https://jri.org/blog/first-connections/talking-about-race-and-racism-young-children

JustAMinutePleass · 23/10/2023 22:01

SecondUsername4me · 23/10/2023 20:59

Have you asked her why she's named her chocolate? Sometimes little kids are incredibly simplistic: "because she's my favourite dolly and chocolate is my favourite food" could be reasons other than what you think.

If it does come about that it's because she's god dark brown skin, then as another poster above suggested, say she needs a name rather than an object to he called. Suggest Coco?

I wouldn’t be upset by this if my skin was actually like chocolate. But most of the time that isn’t the case. But in my experience white people often can’t differentiate skin tones accurately (and white children least of all) so I don’t believe it is being said so innocently.

Bit unhappy because my 3 yo was called a poo poo at softplay by three white 5 year old boys today. On the face of it innocent, but they weren’t calling any other child that. Just the only dark skinned boy.

White parents really do need to stop making comments like this seem ‘innocent’. They often aren’t.

PassMeTheCookies · 23/10/2023 22:01

JustAMinutePleass · 23/10/2023 21:54

This is a good collection of tips for white parents. Also speaking as an Indian I think white children would be less likely to differentiate based on skin colour if parents integrated better into their local communities (ie use local shops, cook a wider range of food) and showed an interest in different cultural events.

https://jri.org/blog/first-connections/talking-about-race-and-racism-young-children

Absolutely agree with you!

PassMeTheCookies · 23/10/2023 22:05

Whattodo112222 · 23/10/2023 20:49

I would simply just say that all people (and dollies) go by a name rather than an object.. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on colour and rather treat her saying "chocolate" as an object. I try to teach my daughter we don't see colour when interacting with people. It doesnt sound terribly awful in any case, she is curious and learning.

I appreciate that your intent is meant with kindness, but by teaching children, or anybody, not to see colour, you're teaching them to dismiss the very real experiences that POC face. And not just experiences, but it's almost erasing somebody's identity as if not being white is taboo. My family very much celebrates what each of us looks like and are proud of the appearance too. We don't need people not to see us for who we are ❤️

RoseRows · 23/10/2023 22:07

I used to call blonde children yellow as a child, my mum often reminds me of this as she found it very cute. I don’t think it’s anything to overly worry about at this point but I do agree that you should suggest dolly needs a proper name and not one linked to her appearance.

WetWindyandWild · 23/10/2023 22:08

The trouble is we often call animals things like snowy or sooty based on their colour. I suspect a doll is closer to a pet than a human. I really don’t see a problem with this and doubt she will transfer this type of nickname onto a person.

BabyStopCryin · 23/10/2023 22:09

I’d just say ‘that’s not a proper name’ and say the looks more like a Sally… which was the name of my sisters black baby doll when she was little.

Sally is now pushing 70 (and my sister still has her). Sally must’ve been bought in the late 50s (in the North East).

Oneeva · 23/10/2023 22:16

Does your daughter have any other dolls? If so, What are their names?

MontyJames · 23/10/2023 22:17

I had a wee black dolly called Eileen. Picked her and name her myself. My mum was raging cos I didn't name her after her!😝I loved Eileen!(May have been Dexys song! lol)

SarahAndQuack · 23/10/2023 22:28

Does a three-year-old have to understand the exact reasons why she's being told something is upsetting? When my DD was three she loved calling people poo and showing them her bum. I never had a big philosophical discussion about it. I'd probably say 'No, we're not calling her chocolate' and move on. Separately of course you teach your child to be a decent human being and you do age-appropriate things about race. But TBH, it feels as if you're suggesting this is a huge, difficult issue ... it doesn't need to be.

Sure, you could try saying 'dolly isn't a food so don't call her chocolate' or you could try 'that isn't really a name'. But you can also just say 'no' without elaborating. That's ok.

KnickerlessParsons · 23/10/2023 22:32

Suggest Coco?

How is Coco(a) any better than Chocolate? 🤔

BabyStopCryin · 23/10/2023 22:36

DS called most of his ‘dollies’ by descriptor names like ‘doggy’ or ‘greeny’ (some weird green monster thing) or snowy (his white bear). There was also woof the dog.

Little kids don’t overthink things (they may parrot things but I’m sure the OP doesn’t go around calling humans chocolate or carrot top or marshmallow etc). As the poster above said, ‘nope’ is an adequate response for a 3 year old.

TheOccupier · 23/10/2023 22:37

Yeah, Coco is equally awful.

Personally I'd be tempted to just lose dolly, or at least ban her from leaving the house...

Opine · 23/10/2023 22:39

@SarahAndQuack yes this. Just tell her not to call it that. If she swore you would just tell her not to. For now that’s enough.

@Whattodo112222 The not seeing colour rhetoric is so incredibly toxic. You see colour, your daughter does and this little three year old does. Everyone does.

Cropcycle · 23/10/2023 22:41

It’s complicated to explain to a toddler, because as a PP says people often name pets by their colouring - Liquorice, Cocoa, Bluey, Patch, Spot, Sooty, Midnight, Snowy, Ginger etc and it’s not seen as offensive, whereas for a person it absolutely isn’t ok.

Can you say we don’t call people names that are the colour of their skin or hair and shall we think of a name that dolly would like ?

Workplacenoob · 23/10/2023 22:41

So she's learning that goldilocks is fine, snow white is fine but chocolate is Bad because we don't name people after how they look?

caban · 23/10/2023 22:41

I'd just tell her that chocolate is a food and it's not a person name - dollies need people names. Choose something else together.

SarahAndQuack · 23/10/2023 22:42

Workplacenoob · 23/10/2023 22:41

So she's learning that goldilocks is fine, snow white is fine but chocolate is Bad because we don't name people after how they look?

Did the OP - or anyone else - even mention goldilocks or Snow White? Confused
Don't think anyone has.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/10/2023 22:45

Probably best just to throw the doll away and get Dd a doll which exactly mirrors her personal ethnic heritage. That way you and she will avoid any taint of racism or cultural insensitivity.

yes, that’s definitely the way forward.

Got2getout · 23/10/2023 22:46

I’d keep it simple. “Chocolate isn’t a proper name, what about….”