Husband says I am a bad wife but an excellent new mum

[Ellie875]

My husband says I have not put our marriage first and I do feel bad but I have been surviving being a new mum. With post natal anxiety and tendonitus.
Baby is currently 7 months and the father my husband walked out on me recently. He has returned and I don't know how I feel about myself and everything.
I want us to work, I love him, is this common of men? How do you balance it all?

Why the GIF?

You balance it all by having a supportive husband who understands life changes after having a baby and in the short term adapting to those changes means the relationship changes. But you support each other.

If that doesn't happen you end up having to brake the chain somewhere as it is impossible to do everything and he is the weakest link.

He wants you to prioritise him over his child. What an arse.

He sounds like a man child jealous of the attention the baby gets. I'm sorry but I have no sympathy or time for men like that.
Women carry a baby for nine months with all the discomfort that entails then they give birth, their body changes for ever and they suddenly find themselves responsible for another human being. He should be supportive and understanding that the baby comes first. If he can't understand that then I think you are better off without him the last thing a new mother needs is someone else making demands of her

Nah, decent Dad's make it easier to be a good wife and Mum by helping out. Decent husbands appreciate they may have moved down the priority list. You can't do everything.

Is he putting you or your child first? No. He's putting himself first: he walked out on you and on your shared baby.

How does he expect you to put him (independent adult) or the marriage (your relationship with him, so what? time spent with just him?) first above the helpless baby totally reliant on you? In practice, what is he expecting?

He sounds like both a shit husband and father, so you win.
The prize is not having to live with someone who walks out on you then returns to say mean things.

Sounds like he's a bad husband and a rubbish new Dad.

He's not putting his marriage first as a husband.

He's not putting his child first as a father.

Surprise surprise, he is putting his needs and wants first., even at the expense of your health. Kick him out OP, you love the idea/promise you have of him, not the reality. It will never get better, only worse.

If you want it to work, and it might not anyway, you need a grown up chat.

What does he mean by a bad wife?
In what ways is he being a good husband / father?
What does he want to change?

Of course the dynamics change after a baby.

You battle exhaustion from crap sleep by having a partner who does some nights or mornings or lets you have weekend lie ins or naps to catch up.

You battle being touched out by having a husband who'll have the baby when he comes in and lets you have space and time for yourself.

You battle the extra workload by sharing it.

It's possible that since baby has been born you've gone to bed every night at 7 with the baby, refuse to be intimate because your body now belongs to your child, refuse any chance to be alone because you don't want to be without your baby, ignore any attempts by him to talk about anything other than the babu and refuse to let him do anything with the baby because the baby needs you all the time. In which case you need to do some thinking too. But let's face it, he's probably grumpy he gets less sex.

Becoming a mother is such a big adjustment and it takes up so much time and focus that partners unfortunately take a bit of a back seat while that happens. A good partner will offer support (practical and emotional) to ensure the woman is not doing it all alone and her needs and the babies are being met, knowing that there will be a time to invest energy in to the relationship when things calm down. It sounds as if your partner is only concerned with his needs.
Honestly I’d tell him he can leave via the same door he came in from. Tell him you’ve already got a baby and you don’t need him behaving like a second one who can’t recognise that his needs can’t be prioritised over that of an actual child.

I think he isn’t right, but his not wrong either. When a baby comes into the family it doesn’t make another family irrelevant. Yes there are changes and the whole family should be looking to make these changes together and be working as a team, no one is left out, no one is left to do it all and every family member matters. (Actually, it’s often the mum that gets shoved down to last place, if only they stuck up for themselves abit more like your husband is doing, then it would be more fairer across the board).

Well, looks he is both a bad husband and a bad dad.

7 months?
I barely remember the first 6 months of mine as its just a fog of exhaustion, pain (breastfeeding, stitches, back pain) and anxiety and I had a supportive oh. Giving him the benefit of the doubt would be really trying to get through to him to communicate the toll this has taken on you (and any new mother) but if he doesn't/can't get it or is just using his (supposed) ignorance to beat you with or as an excuse to control you im afraid you are better off without him.

Many mens behaviour changes post baby once the attention is on baby. Abuse increases, cheating is more likely. You might just have a shit one unfortunately.

If at 7 months Dh started complaining that I paid more attention to the baby than him I would have wondered how I married a giant child. Happily Dh was equally knee deep in nappies, milk and sleep deprivation at this stage.

He walked out on you when you had a young baby & then thinks he has the right to judge you as a wife?! I'm sorry but I'm sure you deserve better. Think very carefully about letting him back in and if its really best for you and your baby. Babies are hard. Parenting is hard - you have a long stretch ahead of you & a decent man would be there to share the load with you. Sending you very best wishes in working this out.

Having a baby creates 2 parents not 1.

There are some men who have somehow gotten the idea that having a baby is just creating a mother parent and that his life should not be affected by the change. They are bad parents and bad husbands.

Throw this one back into the sea and never fish him out again. Never prioritise your husband over your dc. Your priorities lie with your dc, then yourself and then the —pond life— h.

At 10 months with No2, DP and I are splitting night wakes, juggling both kids’ needs and the laundry mountain, 10,000 meals and nappies and bibs and mess a day, and generally just wave at each other through the exhaustion and occasionally joke “See you in five years!” when we encounter each other at 3am, me going in to deal with the baby and him coming back from the big one’s bad dream.

A good husband and partner recognises this is a season of life and helps you both navigate through it; he doesn’t walk out then come back with basically a guilt trip ultimatum. The baby has been outside you less time than it’s been inside; the first year is a rollercoaster and it does improve once sleep is settled, childcare comes into play, etc. But it takes effort on both sides to repair and rebuild and find the relationship again after the “knackered roommates elbow deep in faeces” phase; him walking out is not putting in the effort. He’s a twat.

My husband admits now he did feel a bit lonely and like he’d lost me in the first 6 months or so because I was so wrapped up in new parenthood. He never let me know that at the time and was so supportive, as a husband and father should be. He acknowledged things have changed and he isn’t the only other person I have to think about now.

We laugh now about it and how we are ships that pass in the night only to shout ‘watch the baby’ at each other or try to out do each other with how tired we are. We know this is a short time and all too soon we will have copious free time together.

Your husband however is being a selfish knob. Jeez grow up.

I wonder what he has done to put the marriage first? My bet would be badger you for sex when you're not up for it?

What an absolute prince of a man.

Your DH is a twat.

Life changes after a baby. It's normal. Baby comes first and the first year is an absolute rollercoaster. A good husband and father understands this, does his 50% and supports you. Doesn't walk out like a manchild.

Men like this absolutely infuriate me.

Let me guess, he left for his new girlfriend, but she didn't want him either so back he crawled.

Get rid.

Baby is currently 7 months and the father my husband walked out on me recently.

So he walked out, but wants you to prioritise your marriage? ffs he needs to be sorting himself out if he walks out on his family in the first few month after childbirth

No, this is not common of men, although it does happen if you happen to have procreated with a manchild.

Real men help and support their wives transition into motherhood.

Menchildren complain about the lack of sex, lack of attention on them, then criticise their wives and walk out on them. Menchildren like this need to be told to fuck off and don't come back. Useless, selfish shits.