Husband says I am a bad wife but an excellent new mum

[Ellie875]

My husband says I have not put our marriage first and I do feel bad but I have been surviving being a new mum. With post natal anxiety and tendonitus.
Baby is currently 7 months and the father my husband walked out on me recently. He has returned and I don't know how I feel about myself and everything.
I want us to work, I love him, is this common of men? How do you balance it all?

It depends on what you want. The first year of a new baby can be one of the most stressful points for a marriage. A lot changed for us, and we did lose our way as a couple/were just stressed, snappy and exhausted. We had stopped taking time for ourselves whether individually or as a couple, and it was not sustainable. We hit breaking point about 8 months in and went to couples therapy, and it did really help to reset where we were at, and focus more on appreciating each other and talking through issues. But it depends on your relationship, and if you want to continue.

F

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Don't just let him walk in and out for a start!
He needs the riot act read out to him in plain loud English!

Play to your strengths.

Dump the husband, and you are no longer a bad wife and are able to concentrate on being an excellent new mum.

What's his definition of a good wife?
Makes his dinner?
Cleans his house?
Looks after his baby?
Oh....and has sex whenever HE wants it, even if you've barely seen each other and you are exhausted?

What makes a good husband?
Supports his wife and child whatever form that takes
Takes on his share of childrearing, housework and mental load without any complaints

What makes a bad husband?
Pesters for sex
Never helps, or only grudgingly so, or messes things up deliberately so he is not asked to do the job again
Expects dinner on the table
Gets in a huff
Gives the silent treatment or storms off
Cheats

So, OP. Just because he's back you don't have to keep him. You have a choice here.

Was it ever an ambition of yours to be a good wife? It definitely was never an ambition of mine. Can you imagine your younger self thinking “when I grow up I want to be a good wife”?!

For goodness sake op, you need to ask yourself why 'do you want you both to work'? Why 'do you love him.'?

He has shown himself to be unbelievably selfish, happy to leave you with it all whilst he swans off. This is an awful awful man.

So, why, why do you love him?

I will wager that you don't really know what love is, you possibly have never seen a decent healthy relationship, and that you have trained yourself to believe yourself to be in love with any man, any man will do, regardless of their awful behaviour. They probably just have to show you a breadcrumb of attention. Ditch this man. Get sone counselling to work out why you 'love him.'

Couldn’t agree more with this.
A good husband and father loves and nurtures his wife after she’s given him the gift of a child, a child who she grew in her body, risked her life for, went through the discomfort and pain of pregnancy and childbirth for. He doesn’t expect her to spring back into shape and perform like a Duracell bunny within weeks of the birth.

He sounds like a crap, unsupportive and selfish father AND husband.

Poor him, not being the centre of attention when his wife has just grown and given birth to and is caring for a tiny human being (HIS child). My heart breaks for him .

Don’t have this!

So, he walked out on you and his child because - he was jealous of his helpless child getting the attention every baby needs.

He, a grown-assed adult, chose to sulk and leave you to cope alone. He chose to punish you for being a responsible adult who balances the needs of a newborn against the wants of an adult and rightly finds that the needs of the baby heavily outweigh the wants of a petulant self-absorbed adult. Well, 'well done', him!

No wonder you have anxiety!

"I want us to work, I love him, is this common of men? How do you balance it all?"
Serious question - what do you mean by "work"?

Because if by 'work' you mean some rosy notion of happy families where you and he co-parent and raise a healthy happy child; no, it won't work - he will make sure of that.

If by 'work' you mean that you become subservient to this selfish wanker's desire to be the centre of your universe, struggling to raise your marginalised and increasingly unhappy child with the scraps of time he will allow you to have away from serving him - oh, come on! This relationship is doomed, mainly because it's not a relationship. It's a selfish arsehole putting demands on another adult that he does not consider his equal, that he does not respect, that he may not even like (never mind love)!

Which leads me to my next question - why do you love him? What is loveable about him? He left you high and dry - I don't see that as loveable in any way. Has he persuaded you that it's all your fault? I already know the answer it's in his whiny complaint that you "have not put our marriage" - by which he means you have not put HIM - first. He's telling you his leaving is your fault (it wasn't) and that by putting your marriage (him) first everything in the garden will be lovely (it won't). He is such a wanker.

"He has returned and I don't know how I feel about myself and everything."
Which is exactly where he wants you - confused and vulnerable, all the easier to manipulate.

For your sanity, for your future, for your child's future - do not let this man back into your life. He will make you more anxious and unhappy than you are now - all the better to keep you off-balance and subservient.

Agree with everyone else - your husband is being a bad husband and a bad Dad.

Kicking you when you are vulnerable. Nice.

If the aim is to chip away at your self esteem, it's working. We can tell because you are taking heed of this shite.

He's left you?! Because you weren't putting him first? He's an immature Dick and you might be better off without him.

He is a poor husband and a poor father.

He’s a prick. Seriously. Tell the stupid fucker to turn back around and fuck off.

It is totally normal not to prioritise your partner when you have a very young baby. Most grown-up half-way decent men understand this.

I'm afraid your DH is a twat. He sounds like a selfish prick, wanting to be centre of attention and jealous of your new baby.

Do you actually want him back? What is he going to do to support you through this challenging period as you adapt to parenthood/recover from giving birth? How will he make your life easier? And if he isn't making your life easier or better in some way, then what is the point of him?

You already have a small child who will demand a lot of your time and attention. You don't need a narcissistic man-child doing the same.

Lots of people all saying the same thing OP.

Probably most people aren't "good wives" separate from being a mum during the early months and years. A "good husband" might speak to you about his needs if they don't feel they are being met. My DH said he felt a bit lonely in the first year as our eldest was a very bad sleeper and so we got almost no time together at all. We'd moved away from friends to have more space, his mum had emigrated. It was totally reasonable for him to talk to me about how he felt.

Your DH walked out. That's not being a good husband. That's not being an adult and a partner.

I suppose you might want to make it work. But he won't change. Do you really want to be doing this all with no support and instead someone who is a drain on your energy? Will you want to be juggling everything for another child as well in the future? He WON'T change.

And probably has mostly just not getting sex on tap. Poor man...

He's walked out once and is liable to walk out again.

Most men realise that baby comes first and that it's necessary for both shoulders to go to the wheel. That's what a real man/husband/dad does. You have a real baby to look after. You don't need an overgrown one.

It's up to you whether or not to give him a second chance and it's up to him whether or not he's going to deserve it. Otherwise send him back to his mother because that's what he seems to want: a womzn who'll wipe his bum and give him everything he wants.

Who wants to bet the issue is he's not getting enough sex for his liking.

Who also wants to bet OP is doing all the cooking,cleaning,laundry,parenting etc whilst her selfish DH watches her struggle.

I'd be telling him to fuck off permanently or be an adult and pull his weight,

I had much less time for our marriage in the old sense after our first baby was born. So did DH, because his life was also ruled by sleep and nappies. That's what a good marriage becomes with a baby - working together to care for the baby and support each other.

He sounds awful OP, he should have more respect for all you're doing.

Quite, seems to be endemic unfortunately.

What a wanker.

Your husband walked out on you and your 7 month old baby and YOU'RE a bad wife?

What a dickhead.

You can be a good mum or a good wife or a good daughter or a good sibling or a good friend but to be a good mum and wife and daughter and sibling you need to be in supportive relationships that hold you up and help you be the best person to as many people as is reasonable and most of all the best person for yourself.

Without support you all automatically find yourself being the best person to the most vulnerable that needs you. You can only spread yourself so far

He sounds like a horror.
Your husband should be lifting you and your baby up on a pedestel, this happens so much when man babies feel like they’re not getting as much attention as the baby. I don’t know what my advice would be other then think long and hard about what you see a future like with him, is he going to be loving to your little one or be resentful and neglectful?