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Original poster

Ex left us for a minor

52 replies

Itsthelittlethingz · 19/10/2023 06:43

Hi all my children's (5 yo) father left in June with no contact at all. Changed number. His mum just said she doesn't see him as he is always with new girlfriend. It was harsh and hurtful but we just got on with it. I was then getting trolled online. getting called a disgusting b*t h etc by various fake accounts. It turned out to be a 16yo who is in a relationship with my children's father (who is 31) She 'cried for him to stop seeing the kids' to which he did. She was angry at him and knew that contacting me would annoy him. She turned 16 in June. The math adds up he was with her when she was 15. All his family have disowned him, but his mum who loves him regardless of what he does. I phoned the police as a duty of care to the girl and my children. But they are saying to the police that the relationship did not start until she was 16. And the girls mum is ok with the relationship. It turns out they have already been interviewed by the police and we're stopped in the airport for potential child grooming Shock. His mum sent me a big text saying they are getting married and are currently engaged. She was being extremely defensive and begging me not to stop her seeing the kids (she had lied the whole time to cover for him so I won't be sending them) social service have told me not to allow the children in his care as they need to risk asses, which of course I won't. no real point to this post just that I've gone through many emotions at first I was so mortified (still am) then resentful of the girl, (I know she is a child) and now I'm hurting again like why has he done this we will never be able to talk to him ever again.

OP posts:
Iwillnotdancewiththedevil · 19/10/2023 06:52

What a headfuck! You're doing all the right things by the sound of it but it must be bloody tough.
How old are your children and how much do they know about what's going on?

Was the 15/16 yr old known to you previously?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/10/2023 06:54

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'd try not to be resentful of the Girl though, like you say, she was potentially groomed and child when the relationship started. She sounds very immature and no wonder, she is only 16.

You are doing the right thing by complying with SS too.

Could you try and arrange some counselling or talking therapy to try and process what you've been through?

MightyFine · 19/10/2023 06:55

Sweet Jesus! I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say about his mum wanting to see the kids after defending that. I'd be inclined to say no, but maybe that's harsh. Make sure you get child maintenance from him sorted ASAP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

16 year olds Families General parenting
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/10/2023 06:55

And if you haven't already, make sure you apply for CMS Flowers

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/10/2023 06:56

Cross posted with Mighty there about the maintenance Wink

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 19/10/2023 06:56

What a thing to go through, I really feel for you and your children.
You're doing the right things, you can't be in touch with him, nor can the kids.
Even if he does intend to marry this girl he can't until she's 18...I bet they won't even be together by that point, and he has thrown his life, reputation, family etc, away for nothing. Might be some small consolation, I don't know...

Noicant · 19/10/2023 07:00

Ah thats awful, I’m so sorry OP. Yeah I wouldn’t think much of his mum either (more so for being fine with her 30 something son marrying a child than the lies even). Make sure you put in a CMS claim.

I know the girl is behaving in an unpleasant way but please bear in mind that she was 15, she’s still a child. The kind of child who comes for a family where they are happy for her to get engaged at 16.

YoBeaches · 19/10/2023 07:03

The evidence will come out soon enough if he was with her before 16z photos will appear somewhere or something because the girls it too immature to hide it once the dust settles.

Keep an eye out for that evidence, social media etc so you can help protect your kids and the girl.

Re his mum, I would only allow supervised contact at this stage because you don't know if you can trust her to keep him away. Sounds like he is happy to abandon everyone anyway but you need to be certain.

I'm sorry OP. What a mess. You will come out of this ok x

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 19/10/2023 07:07

Hi thanks for getting back to me.

The children are 5.
Cause of the nature of what he has done, I can't talk about it to people I know. Im truly disgusted. I can't sleep. I don't know what he is thinking is this all worth it for a child. Yes he has lost his reputation everything. I hope the police do something.

No I didn't know her before this, I had imagined his girlfriend to have been an older woman not a school girl.
She said he talks about me a lot.

I was concerned for her, as he is very emotionally/mentally abusive.

When I say resentful of her I feel bad saying that as I know she's a child and doesn't understand yet. I just went through of phase of feeling like little miss crying to him not to see his children. I think it's the way she said 'but I can change that for you if you'd like' I completely get it she's just a baby and it's him that is control of his actions.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 19/10/2023 07:13

This is sad on a number of levels. However a call to social services might be useful. She is viewed as a child and he is at risk of being put on the sea offender register.

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 19/10/2023 07:15

I get child maintenance - or should I say I don't as he stopped maintenance in July. They did enforcement and froze money in his bank account but he gave evidence of why he cant afford it. I can't even talk to him and never will, and the children can't until they're much older. My daughter asks for him everyday. I just can't believe he has done this I don't even know what a 31 & 16 yo have in common other than their fave colour.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 19/10/2023 07:17

I think if he's that abusive, you are so much better off without him.

I'd look into doing The Freedom Program and definitely sort out some Counselling for yourself.

Have you blocked his Child GF?

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 19/10/2023 07:19

As she's now 16 it's seen as consensual. She said social services have been to her to warn her but told her she's ok to be in the relationship. From the girls phone call get that she knows he is abusive and was maybe looking for reassurance. His brothers wife text me to say she is disgusted in him and that the girl is extremely jealous of my children. His mum says the heart problems she has been having all this time are due to this girl as she is mentally unstable. It's like they all have known all a long but I was not to know, and now it's all coming out.

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 19/10/2023 07:22

Hi OP I'm sorry you are going through this like others have said I would not hate the girl this relationship started when she was a child and she is probably emotionally vunerable,sounds like an older man taking advantage of a young girl and clearly you would be right to report it,whatever this girls family it is not ok, it is never ok for a older man to prey and take advantage of young girls he needs putting on a register to protect people,you are much better away from that creep and hopefully that poor girl can be too

Morewineplease10 · 19/10/2023 07:24

I'm sorry op. What he's done is awful. And so hurtful for you and the kids to deal with the fallout and pick up the pieces.

It sounds fairly recent? The lack of sleep is so hard too. You could ask your GP for some meds on a temporary basis? I had to do that to get through. It helped.

If you're not able to talk to friends it would be good to chat through with a counsellor? Women's aid should be able to put you in touch with free/subsidised services.

Take very good care of yourself.

PitySheWasAWhore · 19/10/2023 07:30

Oh my @Itsthelittlethingz , what a terrible time you and your children are having.
He sounds a disgusting article. I have to feel sorry for a barely 16 year old involved with this abusive wanker. I get why you can't though.
You sound amazing and are doing right by your children. That's what they need , mum making safe & sometimes difficult choices for them.
As for their Gran, I think she made her bed but you know her best.
Good luck moving forward with your children & remember to be kind to yourself 🌺

Whattodowithit88 · 19/10/2023 07:31

This is absolutely terrible for you and I really really feel for you. On the other hand though…she really is just a child, 16, she is not in anyway to blame here, she has absolutely no idea of the reality of this situation, what is happening and the impact it has on you. When she is older though, she will look back in complete and utter shame. Your ex is a monster

Saschka · 19/10/2023 07:31

What he’s done is awful. I’d honestly be trying to have as much of a clean break as I could from him and his whole family - SS have said he can’t see the children, and he is refusing to contribute financially, so honestly I’d block the lot of them and try to move on.

I wouldn’t want to hear about him from MIL, or SIL, and I definitely wouldn’t want any messages from the 16 yr old. Every time you hear about what he is up to, it rubs salt in the wound.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 19/10/2023 07:33

He sounds like a piece of work and you're best rid of him. None of this is the fault of the 16yo, he is the adult. 16 may be the age of consent but it's under the age to get a credit card, check into a hotel room alone, get married, drink alcohol, vote, get a tattoo etc. The law doesn't see 16 yos as mature enough for those things. She is as much a victim as you.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/10/2023 07:35

How old were you when you got together, OP?

And don’t believe her when she says she’s influenced him. She’s a child, and thinks she has the power, but you know really that she doesn’t.

smilesup · 19/10/2023 07:38

OP please do the Freedom Programme it could really help you.

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 19/10/2023 07:47

Hi all thank you for getting back to me! I appreciate your support x
I completely get it, she is a victim in this! She's 16 and I was and still am genuinely concerned for her I haven't stopped worrying about her. He took me to a dark place an we are the same age so I can't imagine what he will do to a child. I was nice to her and gave her reassurance that he is a evil person. she thanked me for being 'so calm and understanding' and told me I was like a big sister. We were both angry at his mum for calling her crazy (gaslighting) instead of holding her son accountable for being a 'p'. I explained this is common behaviour of his mum. She even used the word 'P' at one point she said 'I'm not even fully developed yet' I was mortified I was actually shaking the whole time. I told her that this is predatory behaviour and when I felt she was comparing herself to me and others I told her she's beautiful but he like vulnerability not looks. I explained that she's extremely smart (A* student she said) and much smarter than myself and he was at her age. When I say resentful I just mean as the dust settles I'm going through emotions none that would over the shadow that she is a child and a victim.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 19/10/2023 07:52

I think his mum is probably caught between a rock and a hard place - you love your children unconditionally, but at the same time you can hate their behaviour and be absolutely distraught by a situation like this. It's almost impossible to completely cut off your own child, even when they are abhorrent people.

But, having said that, your priority is your own children and what is best for them. Are they close to her, do they love and miss her? If so, I'd consider supervised contact (never ever unsupervised because you cannot ever trust her. Her primary loyalty is to her son).
If the kids don't have a close relationship I'd be more inclined to block the lot of them and try to move on. Very sorry for what has happened. It's horrific.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/10/2023 08:03

I can't imagine a child is manipulating a grown man not to see his children.

I imagine he planted the seed and is now blaming her to get out of seeing his children.

Yesiamtiredactually · 19/10/2023 08:19

I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this!
I agree with previous posters that your ex is making his own decisions and if he wanted to see his children then he would (from what you’ve said though it sounds like you are must better off without the abusive relationship)
I would really tread extremely carefully with your contact with this girl though. In reality you don’t know anything about her.
The posts about your conversation with her honestly concerns me greatly. You have no idea what’s true and what isn’t. It’s entirely possible that she’s told you a bunch of lies for attention and to manipulate your emotions (A* student, fishing for compliments about appearance, highlighting that she’s “not fully developed yet”) plus the reference to feeling like you’re a big sister… these are all HUGE warning signs to me.
Yes she is a child, but that does not exonerate her from accountability for her own actions and children can behave in shocking ways.
She is not your responsibility as difficult as that is to say. She has her own family and you’ve done the right thing by informing the relevant authorities.
I would cut yourself off completely from this whole shit show and focus on yours and your children’s futures. Your ex has made his choices and regardless of his possible future regrets, (how many of us are still with our teenage boyfriends?..) what’s done is done and neither you nor your children deserve to be dragged down by him or any of this.
I really hope you’re able to move forward, maybe some counselling could help you process what’s happened? It feels like you’re compelled to help/support others which is admirable, but you also need help and support as a mother and as a human being xx

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