Ex left us for a minor

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all my children's (5 yo) father left in June with no contact at all. Changed number. His mum just said she doesn't see him as he is always with new girlfriend. It was harsh and hurtful but we just got on with it. I was then getting trolled online. getting called a disgusting b*t h etc by various fake accounts. It turned out to be a 16yo who is in a relationship with my children's father (who is 31) She 'cried for him to stop seeing the kids' to which he did. She was angry at him and knew that contacting me would annoy him. She turned 16 in June. The math adds up he was with her when she was 15. All his family have disowned him, but his mum who loves him regardless of what he does. I phoned the police as a duty of care to the girl and my children. But they are saying to the police that the relationship did not start until she was 16. And the girls mum is ok with the relationship. It turns out they have already been interviewed by the police and we're stopped in the airport for potential child grooming . His mum sent me a big text saying they are getting married and are currently engaged. She was being extremely defensive and begging me not to stop her seeing the kids (she had lied the whole time to cover for him so I won't be sending them) social service have told me not to allow the children in his care as they need to risk asses, which of course I won't. no real point to this post just that I've gone through many emotions at first I was so mortified (still am) then resentful of the girl, (I know she is a child) and now I'm hurting again like why has he done this we will never be able to talk to him ever again.

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It's nice and supportive of you to be chatting with the girl but why (genuine question)? I worry that eroded boundaries means your children are in danger. If he can knowingly groom and shag a child he's not safe for your kids to be around

I’m not sure why you are having multiple conversations with the child your ex is abusing? Particularly when those conversations are about how beautiful she is, and how developed she is (not saying you brought up those topics, but you didn’t shut her down either). That whole conversation sounds weird and over-involved.

Just disengage from all of them. Less drama, better for your mental health, better for your children.

They both are going to grind you down. I would go NC for your mental health and your children.

I was once that child ...man was 37... I guess in todays terms it was grooming, friendly for a few months than day turned 16 he pounced. Yes I was aware of what I was doing and yes I felt terrible, every time I tried to stop it he would somehow manage to keep me there!this was almost 50 years ago and it still pops up in my head .what we put his wife through the dangerous situation I was in waiting in dark alleys for him etc.
So I except my part and regret it bitterly as my life never went the way I'd imagined because he derailed it.and yes all he really wanted was sex !

I know I probably should not have gotten involved. I didn't expect any of this happen. After getting trolled online I thought it was a grown adult I assumed 'his obsessed girlfriend' a new victim. If it were an adult I probably would have just given my experience etc as I would have still known they were a victim. To find out it was a child I was mortified I was physically shaking. If you found out your child's father who you have trusted with your children were capable of this your whole world would crumble. I wasn't expecting this at all. I just felt compelled as a mum myself to let her know she was worthy of much more as I felt it was a cry for helpS This was one conversation on one day and I have not spoken to her since nor would I reach out to her. If we were all like his mum turning a blind eye to child grooming and victim blaming what type of world would we live in? But yes I am a empath and I have decided that if she reaches out again I will block her as I told her to please get support. And phoned the police for her although she didn't want 'local authorities involved' I don't regret how I was with her as I felt I needed to know also for myself and also I feel better knowing if she is a victim I did the right thigh

Please do the freedom programme and distance yourself from the child.

It’s teaching her poor boundaries and is the last thing she needs.

Focus on yourself and your DC. He, his mum and his victim are not your responsibility.

Shut down communication. Block them.

Yes I've blocked him, his mum and she watches me on various fake accounts but if she reaches out I will block her thank you for your advice

You HAVE to stop communicating with her. It's dangerous for you both, especially when he finds out what you've been saying about him.

I'm sorry, but you have no duty of care for this girl beyond what you've already done in reporting this. You should NOT be a big sister figure to her. And you cannot trust that she won't use these conversations against you.

You need to tell her that it's not appropriate for you to be having these conversations and then block her.

You need to keep your social media really tightly locked down. If she can see you from fake accounts, then you haven't secured your accounts properly.

You 100% did the right thing, and in that moment you were riding an emotional rollercoaster and reacting to finding out that she’s a child.
I just really think you need to protect yourself and your children from this unsettling dramatic fantasy that they may be currently living.
i completely understand the compulsion to do what you did in the conversation, you are a mother and have empathy for her and the situation as far as you know it.
just please be very careful, I suspect this could escalate and at the very least you need to create strong emotional defences for yourself and so that you can protect and support your children x

Definitely! I would be inclined to gather evidence that she’s watching you from these fake accounts too.

Totally understand why you'd block his mum for now but is it possible she's just so ashamed she's burying her head in the sand (no excuse to what she's done) do you have a relationship with his brother and sil? Or any of the family? Do you have any support from your family/friends. Maybe you could look at some counselling just to come to terms with things as I'd imagine your be analysing anything and everything. Also it's not your place to support his fiancee, so don't engage with her anymore

They can marry when she is 16 with parental consent.

If she can't get parental consent, they can nip up to Scotland and legally marry at 16 there. Gretna Green is famous for these type of weddings. It's on the Scottish side of the Scottish/English border so convenient for couples from England who wanted to marry under 18 without parental consent.

So it is a possibility, I'm afraid.

I'm not in communication with her this was on one day, one conversation. We have not nor will spoke since. That was her naivety saying I was like a big sister. I think as I was understanding. And she had no one to talk to. Please understand this came as a shock to me, I can't help how I reacted. My reaction was to help the child in that moment,
I will not talk to her again. Thank you for your advice it was hard to act in a logical manner rather than from an emotional pov while I was in shock also so I appreciate your support and advice from a logical perspective.

No more Gretna Green for under 18s! Child marriage ban is a step closer as new law to raise the minimum marriage age in England and Wales and prevent 16 and 17-year-olds marrying in Scotland and NI is passed by House of Commons | Sacpa

Although this development has happened in February 2023. I don't know where it's at now.

Sounds like you are dealing with this all in the best way. Yes the conversation was unwise but you know that now. Make sure you delete anyone that isn't a known friend and lock your accounts down. You do not need either of them watching you and knowing your business. Just because she's a child and also a victim in all this, it doesn't mean that what she said to you is genuine and that it's safe for her to know what you are sharing on SM

It won't change Scottish law which is still 16 without parental consent.

No consent in England and Wales now...no marriage under 18, the law changed earlier this year. Yes, the eloping could still be an issue.

So sorry OP, dreadful for you and your poor children.

I hate to say it but this could get worse. Her jealousy of your children, the swift marriage…next thing she will be pregnant.

Just focus on keeping yourself and your children afloat and get support from people you can trust.

There is no shame on you in what he has done, you have done all the right things.

Wow, you're right! So sorry for spreading misinformation . Thanks for providing the correct information...sorry everyone...

Thank you guys I know it sounds extremely cringey! But I don’t want to have to ‘lock down my social media.’ I have been living my life for years, I have built my online business up from scratch and it’s done pretty well, my children are in the modelling industry. They’re beautiful inside and out. I have raised the children with minimal support he would have the children Sunday - Monday. With little to no financial help. He justifies not helping by saying ‘the kids are rich’ I’ve worked extremely hard to give my children a decent life. I don’t want to have to hide because of his choices. He really does always drag me down (and anyone down tbh) I shouldn’t have opened Pandora’s box when she messaged me. It’s a lesson learned. Honestly never would I have imagined it to be a child. In that moment, I reacted in shock. It has caused me so much worry wondering what he could have been capable of. I can’t even talk about it, and I definitely can’t talk about it to people I know. As im worried what they may say may break me. He despises anyone who is sure of themselves, hence why he now preys on vulnerable people to make him feel more adequate.

OP, you can have social media for your business, and a business page for your children’s modelling profiles if that is genuinely needed (though surely their modelling agency does all that?).

You should lock down your personal pages, so she can’t see you have had a night out, or took the children to the zoo. Just have verified friends linked on there. There’s no need to have your personal life laid open for other people to stalk you on.

Yes it was kind of you to speak with her, but please don't ever speak to her again.

Firstly, if police or anyone else eventually get involved, you could become cast as one of the groomers – there are older couples who do such things.

Secondly, this "big sister" thing is a screwed up threesome/polygamy dynamic that isn't healthy for either you or an impressionable child.

Thirdly and most importantly, safety of your kids. Again, this man shags children. If you let your boundaries with this couple erode, at some point your kids may come in contact with the paedo.

Fourthly, as sympathetic as you are to her, you don't know what she's capable of. The main culprit is obviously your ex but the fact that she's OK to steal a husband and father already shows a manipulative streak, or at least shows that her emotional issues are so great that she cannot behave decently. Teens can do very unhinged things, OW/OM can do very unhinged things, combine both and well.

Regardless to whether she was legal when the relationship begun, it is a massive imbalance of power in the relationship l. This young girl sounds as if she may is very vulnerable.

there is no chance I would allow contact for their dad and their grandmother has no right to contact so I would be removing that also as she fails to see the safeguarding issue of her son dating someone half his age and who is likely to come from a traumatic background.

I would leave the door open for this young woman if she should need it because it sounds like she doesn’t have anyone else.

she is also sounds as if she is searching for confirmation that the relationship is “wrong” and she should leave