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Original poster

To lock my bedroom door at night?

68 replies

BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 11:59

My 12 year old is autistic and has never really slept properly at night, some nights she can be up till 5am. I am a lone parent with other children to look after.

At night when we go to bed my daughter keeps coming into my room. I put all the technology into my room (phones/iPads etc) and shut my door, every night my daughter comes into my room 3/4/5 times and tries to take the devices. I usually put them under my pillow but she doesn’t care she still tries to take them. I’m ill at the moment and still have children to take to school I’m actually really not coping because I’m getting NO sleep all night being woken several times throughout the night but still have to get up to get kids to school in the morning despite being woken up repeatedly, she’s also waking them up and it’s affecting them as they are tired in the morning. She has her own device she just wants to take everyone else’s. I’ve come to the conclusion I need to lock my door at night so I’m not being repeatedly woken up. The other night she came in and tried to snatch my phone out of my hand I must have fallen asleep with it in my hand, it scared the life out of me. so because of this I need a lock on my door at night to prevent this happening and to enable me to get some sleep as I’m not a robot I can’t live like this. I was told on another group that I am being neglectful! And that it’s part of the territory if you have kids to be woken at night?! Erm really at 12! No I would imagine most parents don’t think they will be woken up every single night by a 12 year old. So please can anyone help me on what else I can do as right now I can’t continue like this?

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 11/10/2023 12:01

That sounds really really hard OP. I don’t think you should lock your bedroom door but I do think you should get a safe or lockable cupboard and keep them in there, rather than locking them with you into your room.

Beamur · 11/10/2023 12:01

Assuming you can still hear your kids and they can rouse you if they actually need you - then yes, lock your door.
Alternatively is there somewhere you could locate a lockable cupboard to put these items in overnight elsewhere in the house?

minipie · 11/10/2023 12:03

Lockable box or locker definitely better.

Your door needs to be unlocked in case your kids have an emergency or there is a fire

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Original poster
BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 12:04

She would still come in to find them she wouldn’t care. Looks like I will have to spend the rest of my life never getting any sleep at all. No I did not sign up for this.

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 11/10/2023 12:05

We jam a bit of wood at our door when we - cough cough - you know... Would that work op?

PinkRoses1245 · 11/10/2023 12:05

I think better to lock the devices somewhere, than lock your room.

readingmakesmehappy · 11/10/2023 12:05

Could you put a lockable box elsewhere? In the sitting room perhaps? So if she does go walkabout looking for them she isn't coming into your room

fearfuloffluff · 11/10/2023 12:05

Can the devices have a passcode so she can't use them even if she gets them?

Or get a safe with a combination lock?

Treebark · 11/10/2023 12:07

You also need to re-examine your approach to devices. I have an ASD ADHD child with delayed sleep phases and seriously, taking away a device to try and make them sleep better would increase stress, take away the thing that they use to regulate and all of that would make it harder for them to fall asleep. Far better to find a way to support them into being able to put them away themselves. Giving them control will also reduce anxiety around bedtime. I expect to get flayed alive for such a view but ime the conflict that it causes makes it harder to achieve what you want. Plus, what do they do if they literally can't fall asleep?

wineandmaltesershappyme · 11/10/2023 12:08

Could you try a door stop jammed under your door first?

SylvieLaufeydottir · 11/10/2023 12:08

Treebark · 11/10/2023 12:07

You also need to re-examine your approach to devices. I have an ASD ADHD child with delayed sleep phases and seriously, taking away a device to try and make them sleep better would increase stress, take away the thing that they use to regulate and all of that would make it harder for them to fall asleep. Far better to find a way to support them into being able to put them away themselves. Giving them control will also reduce anxiety around bedtime. I expect to get flayed alive for such a view but ime the conflict that it causes makes it harder to achieve what you want. Plus, what do they do if they literally can't fall asleep?

OP said her DD has her own device all night. What she wants is everyone's devices.

IncompleteSenten · 11/10/2023 12:09

Give it a try. You can't function if you can't sleep.

I lock my bedroom door after my (23yr old autistic) son started coming in in the middle of the night and standing there turning my bipap off and laughing and then one day he said he had an overwhelming urge to kill everyone. Extra locks on bedroom doors put on same day! 😁 That was after he bashed me on the head and gave me a concussion so I was taking no chances!

So I do truly understand how difficult it can be when you are dealing with someone with autism - it's a completely different life and the usual 'rules' are irrelevant. I think parents of NT kids often don't really get it and try to apply NT rules/techniques to ND children and you just can't do that. It doesn't work.

Do you think she will escalate if she can't get into your room? That would be my only concern. Would she bash the door, kick it, try to break in? If locking your door turns out to make things worse maybe buy a sturdy lockable box and don't tell her, keep it hidden and put all the stuff in it.

Flyingcarpetintraining · 11/10/2023 12:09

I’ve not got experience with autism, so this may not be a suitable suggestion) but would the threat of no devices the next day if she comes in to try to get them in the middle of the night?

Lack of sleep is awful, so you have my sympathy!

I’ve seen melatonin mentioned on threads to help DC with autism get to sleep - have you/ DD tried that?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 12:09

Treebark · 11/10/2023 12:07

You also need to re-examine your approach to devices. I have an ASD ADHD child with delayed sleep phases and seriously, taking away a device to try and make them sleep better would increase stress, take away the thing that they use to regulate and all of that would make it harder for them to fall asleep. Far better to find a way to support them into being able to put them away themselves. Giving them control will also reduce anxiety around bedtime. I expect to get flayed alive for such a view but ime the conflict that it causes makes it harder to achieve what you want. Plus, what do they do if they literally can't fall asleep?

She has one it’s in my op, she is trying to take everyone else’s including mine. She is constantly trying to take everyone else’s device they have passcodes she doesn’t care she spends the whole night trying to guess them and disabling them. She would come into my room and look for them wherever I put them but I will just leave it open and accept it just wish it wasn’t affecting my other children who are too exhausted to get up in the morning.

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 11/10/2023 12:10

Does your child take melatonin? It's really hard when they don't sleep, I always go to bed early as I'm often woken up too, by DH is up. Unfortunately bad sleeping comes hand in hand with a lot of ND kids - have you tried getting support from online support groups on Facebook ?
Good luck, I feel your pain

minipie · 11/10/2023 12:11

You can get lockable “cages” where she could see what is inside and see the devices are there and not in your room - would that help her not come in do you think?

IncompleteSenten · 11/10/2023 12:12

"I will just leave it open and accept it just wish it wasn’t affecting my other children who are too exhausted to get up in the morning."

Please do try it. You can only cope with disturbed sleep for so long and it's not fair at all that your other children suffer sleep deprivation too.

EverybodyLTB · 11/10/2023 12:12

If you’ve tried everything, sleep hygiene practices etc etc then it’s time for melatonin IMO. I considered it for my youngest, but some changes in his routine have meant he sleeps much better now.

Janieforever · 11/10/2023 12:18

I’d also get a lock box and just leave it on the landing, or even in her room or downstairs, then there is no reason to come into your room and you don’t need to lock the door.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 12:24

I will try the box I’m just not convinced it will work but maybe if there is one she can see them in that may work, she lost her iPad yesterday and I told her that it wasn’t in my room but she kept pulling everything apart in my room to look for it even though I knew it wasn’t in there.

I’ve called the doctor before about melatonin but they told me they couldn’t do it and it needed to be a paediatrician and I would need to go on the waiting list for a referral but I haven’t heard from them again.

OP posts:
HScully · 11/10/2023 12:36

I would try a lock for a bit, just to break the cycle, if she thinks she cant get in will she stop trying?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 11/10/2023 12:41

Yes that’s a good idea I think I will try that as a temporary thing, she has many devices she has an iPad which she smashed to pieces, she has an Amazon fire tablet and she had a phone which she reset and now she can’t use it hence why she wants the other children’s and why the other children and me don’t want her touching our ones as she will only break them.

OP posts:
Landmary · 11/10/2023 12:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Lavender14 · 11/10/2023 12:45

I would have a very set process for night time storage of devices and build it into her bedtime routine. For example everyone puts their devices into a secure lock box that stays on your bedside table, then you all do something she likes, maybe watching a certain programme together or reading together or cuddling up listening to music together. Whatever you think will work for her to move her on from the fact the devices are now in the lock box. Then I'd just go about bedtime as normal. I wonder could you get a clock and mark on it the time that she can come into your room to get the devices at. And she needs to stay in her room until that time. She could even maybe set an alarm so she's not tempted to stay up watching the clock? I'd try to follow the same phrasing and routine every night until she's very familiar with it.

I wouldn't lock the door incase of an emergency or incase one of the other kids needs you but op I feel for you that level of sleep deprivation is hard especially when you're unwell.

Do you have anyone that could babysit for a few hours to let you get your head down? Or if they're in school/nursery could you get some sleep during the day?

Sdpbody · 11/10/2023 12:45

I would start considering residential care / respite care. This will only get worse as she gets older, bigger and stronger. I would also consider a lock for her room. It always makes me so sad when I read these.

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