Kids behaviour in coffee shops

[Amd1985]

Just wanting to see what peoples views are regarding children’s behaviour in coffee shops.

I took my well behaved 3 year old for some lunch a couple of weeks ago. There was only one table free and a boisterous 2 year old was running across the seats and was very noisy. I asked the parent (who was chatting to 2 friends) if the table was free and she replied yes. I sat down with my daughter and the little boy remained at the table with us even though there was a seat at his mothers table. The mother said to me that he was fine with us as he was only playing and I was not using all of the seats. I was gobsmacked, I would never sit my child with a stranger, I told the parent that I would like my daughter to sit opposite me to which she replied ‘ok he can sit next to her then’ they eventually left and gave me a stare on their way out.

2 weeks later I was in the cafe again and the same women came in and sat on a table near me. They stared, laughed and talked about me so that I could hear, saying how rude I was! I got up and told them that I could hear what they were saying and that it was rude to leave a child on someone else’s table, they said how rude I was and got quite argumentative and starting accusing me of telling them to remove their child which I never did. They said he is only 2 and was only playing. He may have only been playing but i am not sure if it is appropriate to have him playing at someone else's table.

Am i being unreasonable here to want a quiet coffee with my daughter and not with someone else’s child?

It doesn’t matter if it was a two year old or a forty year old, or if they are badly behaved or not, the point is no one should be sitting at anyone else’s table in a restaurant or coffee shop, without having been invited to do so!

YA definitely NBU op!

YANBU - you’ll have to adopt a ‘voice’ or stare though.
I’d have passive aggressively said ‘oh do you want these chairs? Let me move them to your table!’ And scraped them across the floor to the parent!

But then I’m happy to alert everyone to a child or parent’s poor behaviour as I’m happy to parent my own children with rules.

You are not aibu at all OP. I'd imagine anyone who thinks you are also has a child they'd allow to do this nonsense to avoid parenting

That sounds really annoying. My 9 month old loves to wave at people in coffee shops, but if she progresses to shouting "Dada!" (Her word for all things good!) I will try to distract her and if she's on a very loud mission and can't be distracted, we pack up and go. It isn't fair to let kids impact other people's enjoyment of a social space no matter how cute/well meaning a little one is!

TBH I don't think (young) children should be in coffee shops

^
I completely agree with what wellthatwentwell said. They shouldn't be in coffee shops. And let's face it, they probably don't really want to be!!

Hard hat needed. I have a 9 & 11 year old and they have always been well behaved and polite in coffee shops. They always knew not to scream, shout, run around as we taught them manners like my parents did to me. I always get compliments about how polite they are as they order their own food saying please may I have etc so please don’t assume all children are the same.

Sounds like the mum wanted to chat with friends and not parent. If that’s the case they would be better off meeting at home IMO.

I made the mistake of going into a Wetherspoons on a rainy afternoon just after the schools came out. A mum and her 5 children sat 2 rows down from me, straight in my line of site, She choose to sit 3 of her daughters on 2 tables for 2 , she sat on another row at a table for 2 with her eldest and put the baby boy in a high chair beside her. For the next hour and a half she stuck her face in her phone, the parenting was done by the 10 year old. The 3 (ish) year old went off to the toilet on her own for about 15 minutes, mum didn't have a clue. The 3 younger ones ran around, they stood on the table, threw food and were bored out of their heads. The baby was so good to sit in the high chair for an hour, not once did he cry and that makes me think he was used to being dumped in a high chair and ignored. He managed to pull a basket of food off the table, his mother never noticed. When he did finally start to cry, his sister got him out of the highchair and eventually plonked him in her mums lap. I don't know what was worse the fact she never took he eyes off the screen to interact with her children or the fact that in the 90 minutes i was there she drank 4 large glasses of wine. Some parents shouldn't have children.

YANBU, OP. I have a super boisterous boy (20m) and am someone believing in boundaries and respect for others' space and enjoyment. I don't think a toddler walking around and climbing on the chairs at others' tables is 'cute', unless explicitly invited by others to do so.

I do take him places to 'socialise' him and teach him, and also because sometimes it just can't be avoided. If we have a day trip somewhere with the extended family, etc. we will eat somewhere/have a coffee at some point.

I really need a break sometimes as he is so full-on. But the coffee shop/restaurant is not my time for that break.That is a time to actively parent. I personally think going for walks or a picknick are much more suitable for socialising with others, when you have a child who is prone to non-stop exploring/creating mayhem. I do sometimes look enviously at mums with children who quietly sit and can have a breather for a bit, but that is just not the nature of my boy. I wouldn't want to trade who he is, but it does mean I need to adjust my parenting and the activities we do, including my socialising, when I am in charge of him.

I believe this is called modern parenting.

Not what mine were ever allowed to do.

Not being unreasonable at all. I hate it when other kids talk to me at the park let alone at a coffre shop 🤣🤣

I try and remind myself they're probably craving attention

The trouble with keeping small kids away from cafes and restaurants though, is you are then keeping their carers away too, usually their mums. Women on mat leave or staying at home to look after little ones can often find themselves rather lonely, and banishing them to just go and eat junk food in McD's would be further pushing them out of normal society. It can be a real life line to get out of the house and meet up with a friend in a nice surrounding and have someone else make you a hot drink and a bite to eat.

Totally agree with all of this. Being able to go for coffee and cake with mum friends when I had PND really helped me in many ways - I had to get showered and make ourselves presentable, I had to be somewhere on time, I had something to focus on, I had human contact and a much needed hug, the walk got us both fresh air, having conversation reminded me I was also a person with a bright mind as well as a feeding and poop cleaning robot. Lots of reasons as well as cake! Though cake is always good!

i think this was more an issue of parents not behaving tbh!

Next time, get him a double espresso....

SERIOUSLY? Have you tried telling someone else’s kid off recently? They go crying to their mums and their mum comes shouting at you! It’s not how it used to be when i was a kid.

Yeah totally

there parents like to call it exploring. In the library if a child throws books the mums laughs. In the changing room in a clothes hope, the mum lets her kid peer under my changing booth, kids standing on tables in pubs,…. I could go on…
But if you dare to say anything to the kid or the mum the verbal abuse you get! Also no point telling the staff as they dont like confrontation these day’s

Children are humans and got as much right as you to be in public. If you dont like it then stay at home or go out at night.

In fact no company is going to turn kid’s away because families are very profitable to them. Do the maths!

I sooner share my space with a naughty kid than a dog. Thanks

I've been taking my DSD to coffee shops since she was 3. She's very well behaved, would never dream of running around and still loves going to coffee shops. Can't walk into Tesco now without her requesting that we pop into the Tesco Costa.

I would however never take my 3yo nephew to a coffee shop because I know he'd never sit a peace and he's not really interested in having a chat over a hot chocolate.

@Britpoplady did you mean to name change between your 2 contradictory posts 2 minutes apart?

I absolutely loved taking my two to coffee shops when they were little. It was a much needed change of scene. Unless they were asleep I used to leave the buggy by the steps so not in everyone's way and we'd have a lovely time - either just me and the little ones or with friends and often my parents. I have some very special memories of that time together. Big play groups were my idea of Hell on Earth 😂

Completely agree with you OP that the mother should have been looking after their child full stop. If my two started to fuss or cry off we'd go, either leaving the coffee shop or one of us would pop outside with the child in question. My lovely Dad would often 'stretch his legs' and take my son or daughter with him simply to deescalate any situation.

It sounds as if that particular child is never going have the positive way to behave modelled to them as the mother can't be bothered. Not a good sign for the future.

I'm a secondary teacher and you'll be amazed at how much 'parenting' is left to complete strangers/teachers/staff/café workers when in fact it should be the mothers and fathers...

I'd have told the parent of the unruly 3 year old to keep him at her table as he isn't my responsibility and I found him disruptive
worst part of parenting is other peoples kids 🤣
no I'm not a perfect parent and yes I'd accept criticism of me or my child given in the right way

YANBU I would have did the same. What happens if that child grabs your coffee cup. Kids shouldn't be running around in coffee shops due to all the hot drinks being served. I'm a waitress and if I'm using a tray it's hard to watch out for kids while i've never spilled a drink on a kid, I can see how its easily done.
It's I wouldn't want my child copying of another child and wanting to run around as well. My daughter has always stayed sitting in her pram or in a highchair when we're go out.

YABU for calling a 2yo naughty.

So you sat at a table that was occupied by a toddler and then had a strop that the parent didn't move him? You sound rude and humourless.

Hangonaminutethere - you don't have to be over 55 to wear hearing aids you know...

I would’ve taken the child and the spare chair over to the mums table.

Also it’s nuts to suggest no young kids in cafes ! Loads of kids can sit nicely and I’m pretty sure the cafes like the income they generate too.

Are you implying 2 year olds can't be naughty and that it's fine for the first family to occupy 2 tables in a busy coffee shop!?
I think the only unreasonable people in the story is the parent of the 2 year old
yes he can behave age appropriately and maybe his mum needs to identify when he's had enough of coffe shop and is no longer able to behave and let him go somewhere he can run about that's more appropriate!