If you're not a natural 'mum type' what do you do to pass the time with small kids?

[Februaryschild2023]

I'm on mat leave again and just don't know how to fill my days. I'm incredibly lonely but really struggle with the baby groups, the bleakness of sitting around on church hall floors, singing songs and feeling inadequate and like I've stepped back to the 50s.
I'd love to be a person who was good at just their own company, but I'm finding it lonely. Has anyone found a middle ground between singing hello to the sun, and wandering alone round shopping centres for hours?

@Februaryschild2023 why do you feel "infantalised" ?
Genuine curiosity?

God, it's fine for OP to say she hates baby groups! I hated them too OP and only went to a few taster sessions. They just made me cringe. Have you tried Peanut? I met a few nice people that way, and also via local parents' Facebook and WhatsApp groups. But yeah I found mat leave lonely and boring and was desperate to go back to work!

I think structured classes can feel quite stressful. You're always aware of babies crawling off or crying during the talking parts. But stay and plays/play groups are quite relaxed. It's more of a place for parents to go and meet up (and for the kids to socialise and play with new toys!)

Other things to do are swimming, libraries, parks, galleries, cafes, nice walks, anything really. If you want to walk around a shopping centre then crack on. It'll be harder with a toddler!

I wouldn't totally give up on the groups as they aren't all draughty church halls and stuck up mums. Our local library used to do a really nice one where the children would all listen to a story then play for a bit and come back together for a song at the end. My baby was far too young to get a lot from it but I used to really enjoy it and met some lovely mums from it.

I used to like going for a wander round a decent town centre. Sounds dull, but I was out in the world seeing people which really helped, and I could peruse clothes/books/nice things in John Lewis while baby was contained in the pram. Obviously it helps if you live near a nice town with indie shops, a run-down shopping centre is not the same at all. Also sitting in cafes - I found Costa particularly amenable to a messy weaning baby and a long stay.

Definitely also agree with doing what you want to do normally, so long as you've had adequate sleep and no-one is ill or teething - so drive to the coast for a wander, time naptime to coincide with a museum, maybe go somewhere you wouldn't normally go as an adult but is still quite fun, like a zoo.

I only went to baby groups with my NCT friends so had built-in entertainment there. I remember one day everyone else was sick/had a sick baby/couldn't make it so I was on my own, and it was excruciating. That said, I much preferred the slightly mad but more expensive ones (Heartbeeps was my favourite) to the sing n sign/church hall type ones. At least you get some pictures of your baby in ridiculous outfits to amuse you while your braincells leak out of your ears.

Oh and definitely baby cinema, while they're small. Make the most of that, because once they're crawling it's impossible.

I am actually quite curious about all these adults who have these amazing intellectual conversations with other adults at work.
When I was working all our conversations were about....well...work..Cos we were at work 🤔
@Februaryschild2023 I hate to say it but you are being a bit rude toward those of us on here who are trying to give you suggestions.
Taking your baby to an hour of rolling around the floor of a church hall is just an hour. It might not be the most exciting hour for you - but it's just an hour. Do it a couple of times a week - or even once a week. You might make friends or you might not. But at least it's being out in the community and socialising rather than feeling lonely at home.

I went back to work early. Babies are awful, 2+ are the best. Wish I could have taken my maternity leave later than when I had to. Best thing you can do is to develop some hobbies for when someone else can look after the baby for you; ie partner, family if live close by so you can have some adult time adulting, it will help your brain when you are going to these baby classes singing hello to the sun to a sleeping baby having spent 5 pounds to mime, and try to talk to other attendees who really do only have time to talk for about 5 minutes either side of the occasion. For my second maternity leave I went and visited a lot of my friends at the weekends across the country with baby in tow which was lovely.

Well, some people’s work involves intellectual matters. I’m an academic, and while obviously part of my day is seeing students, answering emails, writing grant applications, having meetings about curriculum reform or whatever, a fair bit of it does involve ideas, in teaching, supervising research, my research and other people’s.

@CountessKathleen well yes...I was being slightly sarcastic.
It just amazes me that apparently the only adult conversation people seem to be able to have is with adults at work. People who you are only connected to because you are in the same job.
Why people can't talk to other adults in non work settings I don't know. But apparently not. God forbid you strike up a conversation with a person who happens to be sat on the same church hall floor as you.

This thread reminds me of that bit in Motherland where Anne reveals she used to be Head of Product Development for Glaxosmithkine Worldwide before kids, not work in Greggs as Amanda believes.

Many of us have careers, intellectual interests etc and are also ok singing a nursery rhyme and having a mess about with our kids. My PhD doesn’t preclude me from speaking to other mums about our kids or any other subject under the sun. Nor does the fact that I’m ok with motherhood being part of my identity mean that it’s the biggest part. Or that I’ve had a lobotomy, as OP seems to think of mothers other than herself.

Lots of us have / had stimulating careers , nobody is forcing you to take maternity leave , just find a nursery or childminder and go back to work if you feel that doing the things with your baby are that soul destroying .

Alas, while the people I met via NCT coffee mornings in London were really interesting and great to talk to (a regular coffee morning had an opera singer with twins and an art conservationist with an adopted baby who were great), we moved out of London when DS was four months old, and the baby groups in my new location were pretty soul-destroying. Maybe they’d been fascinating and were just finding motherhood demoralising, but it was like a support group for the lobotomised to a soundtrack of ‘Wind the fucking Bobbin Up’.

There is a middle ground, to be honest. I like baby classes (and I’m 43) but if they aren’t for you, there’s no obligation to go to them. My days seem to be trying to get DD to nap 😅 we have a swimming class Monday, if that’s a little less church-hall-y? There’s also a mum and baby yoga by us but I can’t go as I have ds that day.

It doesn’t last forever and if babies aren’t your thing it doesn’t mean parenting is doomed. Lovely as they are they are hard work, and it gets easier.

Some people like mum and baby groups, some prefer to do other stuff. But why the judgement about who you'll meet there? I mean we're all just mums...trying to fill a day and (probably) inject some adult conversation....some just have different ways of doing it than others. Most mum and baby groups are quite flexible you could even invent an appointment or nap time to leave before the singing starts!!

As someone who went to, and then volunteered at, a toddler group, I'm fine with them not being people's cup of weak, own brand tea but there's a sense than some people think that a baby group is somehow beneath them.

It always happens on here @Fizbosshoes , and in the same post people complain that no one spoke to them 🤷🏼‍♀️

@CountessKathleen wow !
I wonder what the other parents at that group thought of you.
Maybe they were so impressed with your amazingness of being "an academic" that they were stunned into silence.
Did you actually talk to anyone - treat them as a fellow adult?

I too was once fascinating but found the baby stage demoralising. That must be why nobody talked to me. Shame as I thought my renditions of Wind The Bobbin Up were pretty powerful.

I talked to everyone. How strange you would think I didn’t because of my job. I’d anticipated making friends in the new place, as I’d never struggled with friendships, but these petiole were either particularly demoralised by parenthood or just dull.

@EmmaPaella, I’m sure your version of ‘Wind the Bobbin Up’ was admirable. Apart from it being a godawful dirge, obviously.

@CountessKathleen ok apologies - what I said was a bit bitchy 🙂
Maybe they were all very dull people? Maybe they didn't know "Wind The Bobbin Up' and weren't confident they were doing the actions right (I didn't know that rhyme before I went to Stay and Play at the grand old age of 33).
I don't know.
It is all a bit weird - lumped together with random people who happened to have a baby the same time as you - but all of life is like that. You don't choose who you go to school with, who you work with, who you live next door to....you just have to get on with life the best way you can.
It's just don't act you are too superior for singing some nursery rhymes and then complain you are lonely and bored (not you @CountessKathleen but the OP).

The friends I've made at baby groups include a teacher, a gp, a pharmacist and an accountant.
At the baby groups, I found it was mostly people who didn't really have any friends locally because they had all been working and were now looking to make local friends.