If you're not a natural 'mum type' what do you do to pass the time with small kids?

[Februaryschild2023]

I'm on mat leave again and just don't know how to fill my days. I'm incredibly lonely but really struggle with the baby groups, the bleakness of sitting around on church hall floors, singing songs and feeling inadequate and like I've stepped back to the 50s.
I'd love to be a person who was good at just their own company, but I'm finding it lonely. Has anyone found a middle ground between singing hello to the sun, and wandering alone round shopping centres for hours?

Can you find a couple of mums to go on pub lunches with?

yes - don't do the groups / classes you find soul destroying. As others have said more focused ones have been best for us - swimming, art, exercise, national trust walks - ending in a playground when toddling. There are often groups that are attached to schools - private and state, so if you know where your likely to be going to school - these can be more organised.

I agree with you, the only thing I like about baby groups is chatting to other mums.

I did some yoga classes and exercise classes before my baby was on the move which were good as it was for me and not baby. As PP says baby wont care what you do.

could you put your older child in childcare for abit? How old are they? From April all 2 year olds will get some funding.

This time round, I did groups that were for me but the baby could come to so mostly exercise classes. The baby still got to see other babies and be out of the house but it didn't feel quite so bleak.

Depends on the age of the baby. I found the hardest thing getting out of the house at sll, I was so exhausted and it was so much work. Also depends on where you live: I'm in a city centre so it was fortunately very easy to do most of the things recommended by people here: museums, parks, cafes, etc..

I found it very lonely, so the baby groups were good for meeting other parents, but on my own when not too exhausted I did enjoy museums, shops, parks, galleries I wouldn't normally get time for.

I took my toddler to an environmental education group, as that's my thing, and did lots of environmental activities.

If you're in a small town or countryside it's probably harder and baby and toddler groups are often the only places to socialise with a small child, unless you can drive to places to visit that you wouldn't normally get a chance to see.

Try to do something you enjoy once a week or so to keep a sense of yourself going.

Agree
The mums at mum and baby groups are almost the same trope as the dreaded "school mums".....but what makes them all different to whoever is complaining about them...?

I went to a church mum and baby group once a week, it was actually really popular . I didn't go for the breadsticks and refreshments, or for the singing time.(I doubt anyone did!) I went because it was cheap and I wanted/needed some adult company. And my child got to play with different toys, and see other babies and toddlers.

Of course no one is obliged to go to baby groups but I do sense a slight judginess about it, or that those that do are "different" and have wheels on the bus on repeat at home!

The majority of baby groups are absolute hell as far as I'm concerned.
I'm done with those days now thankfully! However, I do wish someone would have told me that it's quite alright to go about your life as you did before just with a baby in tow!
Babies ( and toddlers) learn language from us as parents.. chatter nonsense to your child and basically narrate your life put loud. ( Please only do this when alone or someone will ask if you are okay! )
Find whatever it is YOU are interested in and see if there's a group or something if you so wish.
Main thing, don't feel guilty if you don't enjoy the baby focused stuff.. a lot of us don't.
Our children have turned out perfectly fine. 🥰

I was 36 when my first was born, and 39 with the second.

I made loads of friends at baby / playgroups. Pretty much everyone else who was there was bored out their minds at home with a baby, so we loved to get together for a cuppa, cake and gossip and the babies played together. No one was there because they wanted to sing nursery rhymes or do crafts 🙄, they were all there for adult company. I found being on my own with a baby utterly boring. I could just about manage it through the week as long as I had 2-3 playdates / playgroups / park trips fixed up. In fact I ended up running a playgroup organisation during my maternity leave, and being the one baking the cakes, delivering the crafty sessions and organising everything. It was great fun tbh: our playgroup had a park outside so the kids would run riot while we chatted. I loved my 'mum-friends' at the time and they are still some of my best friends now - and our 'babies' are in in their late teens.

I hate the way people talk down about 'mum-friends'. I have a PhD, I've worked in different parts of the world in different industries. My friends are a varied bunch: what we all had in common was a young baby, stuck at home and looking for company. None of us were brain-dead or boring.

I'd have definitely signed up for this!

The problem I had with baby groups is that I think you have to be a bit of an extrovert with great social skills to make friends at them, unless you are very lucky. I shouldn't think many people go for the singing and the weak tea and biscuits, so you are bound to meet some like minded people who don't like that either, but if you can walk into a room of 20 people and make friends that is another question. If I had a baby now I wouldn't bother with them. Not sure what I would do instead to meet people but I wouldn't bother with the baby clubs.

I always liked baby and toddler classes rather than groups, there was more structure and a person leading the session so less time for gossip. I would do a few classes every week, and when I wasn't at classes I'd often do things I'd enjoy anyway as an adult - visiting art and museum exhibitions, the zoo and botanical gardens, guided walks (sometimes geared towards parents and babies, sometimes open to all), comedy shows, pub quizzes (for parents with babies), family raves (in licensed premises with top DJs), mum and baby salsa sessions, window shopping (in the nice villagey high streets in London, not a shopping mall), architecture walks, matinee theatre and cinema shows (parent and baby shows). Very glad we stayed in London to raise our dc as there is so much variety to do here.

I hated them as well and had a relatively short mat leave both times. My first baby hated them too. The only good ones I found were proper hard-core exercise classes you could bring the baby to (not the 'oooo you just had a baby, do some stretching and cake' ones). I walked miles. I went to baby cinema every week and look back on that level of film up to dateness with fondness. I met friends without babies for lunch. I went to every exhibition I could in central London. Walked some more.

I wish I'd clocked it earlier rather than trying to go to 'baby sensory' (nice if you enjoy it as a parent, but if you're a baby the world is sensory, no?). I think because I knew I was going back to work FT quite soon I never got 'in the zone' for those groups.

When they were toddlers I found a forest school group I liked and we used to go swimming a lot. DP used to go to a playgroup with them once a week. By that time more of my friends had babies as well so we used to go to the pub quite a lot...

I'd stick the baby in a trolley at an interesting shop with lots of colours and lights, a farm shop, or big garden centre. Stop for a coffee.
Long walks with the pushchair in nature, look for an exercise class where you take the pushchair?
Get a local farm membership and go a lot!
Find a group that interests you a bit more- it will cost but less bleak than a church hall.
Library for kids activities?

I'm the opposite -- thought I would be bored on maternity leave, in actuality I love hanging out just with my baby and feel like I can never be lonely because I've always got my lovely baby to talk to. However I can't bear baby groups and find things much easier if I just go with the flow. Don't feel you HAVE to do the groups. Playing and talking to your baby and going out with them whenever you want is fine!

Yeah maybe this is the problem, I don't live in a large city, so anything for small kids is very much FOR small kids. The idea of wandering round London is much more appealing than my endless circuits round the local precinct!

Same age as me but by singing "row, row, row your boat" to my 19 month old he has actually begun to say more words and loves saying 'row row row'. Not sure why you wouldn't want to help their language skills? Do you not do that at home?

To be honest I prefer the church hall with toys and cup of tea type of toddler groups.

Same. Several cups of tea and biscuits with toast for the toddler. They run off energy and I sit down. What is not to like? Also wonder what a mum type is like? 🤔

Ta

I am NOT a mum group kind of person 😂 and fortunately neither are my children. They're very sociable, but they've never understood the happy clappy singing etc 🤣

I just do my day and they fit in around that.

Could it be that I'm a person who used to have a career, used to have plenty of people to chat to about things that weren't babies rolling over, and don't want to give it up completely? That I feel my soul actively dying when I'm infantalised at these groups? Or do good mums who want their babies to develop never feel this way? But yes glad your kid has such good language skills, well done you

How presumptuous to presume I or those mums don't have a career? FWIW I feel bored out of my head constantly when I am with my children but I will go to groups and sing to them because it is good for them. Normal to feel bored though.

Actually I am a little concerned about my child's speech so I am doing my best to encourage it. No need for the sarcasm.

I think you'll find the vast majority of mums have careers that they are planning on going back to at some point. They're probably also largely in their 30's. I think it's just you who has this attitude that you're a career woman in your 30's and every other woman with a baby is a simpleton who loves nothing more than nursery rhymes in the local church! Perhaps if you stopped sneering at everyone and everything you might find some friends?

Also, baby groups are usually between 40 mins and 1.5 hours, I don't think anyone is suggesting you spend 12 hours at a baby group. It's just one thing to do in a day!

Hi OP - I hate the baby groups too, I went weekly for several weeks until my little boy decided nap time was then, but it was rubbish, half an hour of rushed songs (which I barely knew the words to) and felt very cliquey. This has put me off trying any others especially paid ones as I’d feel obliged to go as they aren’t cheap and they run for about 6 weeks.

I’ve also just turned 38, don’t feel like I’ve ever been particularly ‘mumsy’ compared to some and all of my friends are between 4 and 14 years younger than me and don’t have kids so my inspiration for things to do is limited. My son is just over 1yo now.

You don’t live in the North West do you…? 🙂

Same here, eventually. The things I enjoyed most with babies/preschoolers was using my memberships to go to outdoor places and museums.

@Februaryschild2023 you do realise that the adults at these groups don't have to talk about their babies or toddlers or anything to do with children at all.
You can talk about other things.