If you're not a natural 'mum type' what do you do to pass the time with small kids?

[Februaryschild2023]

I'm on mat leave again and just don't know how to fill my days. I'm incredibly lonely but really struggle with the baby groups, the bleakness of sitting around on church hall floors, singing songs and feeling inadequate and like I've stepped back to the 50s.
I'd love to be a person who was good at just their own company, but I'm finding it lonely. Has anyone found a middle ground between singing hello to the sun, and wandering alone round shopping centres for hours?

There are a few 'baby' groups near me that are actually aimed at the parents rather than the children. Baby cinema is great, and most chains have a screening once a week. Hopefully there will be one near you. There's this: byobcomedy.com - bring your own baby comedy. Also bring your baby pub quiz: bringyourbaby.org/book-a-quiz

I've been to the baby cinema lots on my own(ish - obvs with baby), and lots of other mothers also do this so it doesn't feel weird not going with other people. The comedy thing also had mums on their own. I'd imagine the pub quiz to be full of NCT groups etc, dunno.

What age is your baby? For me it got better/less mind numbing as DC1 got older. Honestly I wish I'd just watched more TV with my free time. I was obsessed with not having it on while DC1 was awake.

Dont know if im a natural mum type! (I didn't have any experience of babies or young children til I had my own)
i did a mixture of things - some were for my benefit, others for baby, others prob benefitted both of us.
Mum and baby group once a week
Swimming with baby (I didn't do a class mainly due to cost)
Go for walks/to the park
Do chores eg shopping etc
Went to a gym with a (cheap) creche twice a week
met friends with babies same age at a pub or at their house

I think it's more personal preference than age. Lots of people do enjoy doing these activities with their babies. Fine if you don't of course. But it's not accurate to suggest than any adult must find these unbearable.

I've been to bleak ones, I go to ones that I actively enjoy.

@Februaryschild2023 i know exactly what you mean about the baby groups. I didn’t enjoy a single one. Out of the ones we tried, only one stuck and that was more of a free play session and less structured.

As for the rest of the time, I walked. A lot. With podcasts and audio books. This was something I enjoyed anyway so was fairly easy to translate to just adding a buggy in.

it does get better, honestly - but tiny babies really weren’t my thing. More chaotic toddler years were much more fun!

I'd second less bleak baby groups. None of the ones I go to are anything like you've described; thankfully! Minimal singing in most of them, colourful and interesting. Now he can walk, lots of them are outdoors. I enjoy seeing his wonder and what he chooses to do as he figures life out.

I did quite like baby sensory; though. Say Hello to the Sun still soothes my son if he's really upset and he was never that fussed about the songs as a baby 😆

Otherwise we tend to go out twice a day; one is usually to a baby group or activity, and the second is to a coffee shop and a park (unless we're out all day). Sometimes DS takes his nap in the coffee shop and I work or people watch. He loves a babyccino.

I don't know if I'm not naturally mumsy, but I definitely loathed baby groups and I tried many in different areas with different demographics and leaders, hated them all found them so cringe.

If you read and talk to your baby, that's good enough.. I.sing to them on our own, that's fine too.

Activities I liked with a little baby are going for walks in nature, swimming pool, I loved a baby yoga class and a massage class for babies. Hate singing and signing like an idiot but love activities. Maybe do one of those mum and baby bootcamps or walking in the park with other mums then stop at a cafe? Radio,music or audio books on at home that baby can hear, too while you do stuff around home and you can comment to baby about it.
I like baby screenings at the cinema.

Have really good water/windproof gear, decent footwear and don't let the weather stop you.

I hated it all too. Thankfully my NCT group were fab and many happy hours were spent in pubs and parks. Make the most of it as its impossible with a toddler and I had to do playgroups as a result when I had my second. But with just one baby I would focus on what you like doing. Like walking, pop baby in a sling and head out!

I’m 39 with my first I thought I would LOVE every moment with my baby - love her don’t get me wrong - but far out is boring and mundane!!! I stopped going to say hello to the sun as I wanted to scratch my own skin off so I understand… I begrudgingly go to a music class but find I look at the time much more than I should. My DC is now 14 months so a bit of a better plan after first nap we go for a walk , sleep , lunch then out again either zoo or playground ( even if we just watch ) , shopping anything to get out of the house.

I also went back to work part time and I love it 🥰 it’s a couple of days where I am me and can have adult conversations. So don’t ever think you are wrong or alone motherhood is the toughest job in the world!

This doesn't answer the question. I'm in my 30s and whilst baby groups are not my first choice of entertainment I don't hate them as vehemently as you do. Is this going to suddenly change on the morning of my 36th birthday?

Be more specific about what elements you don't like and maybe people can suggest a group or activity that doesn't include those things.

I despised baby groups with my first and always felt like an outsider. I made no friends and always wished I'd never bothered. Waste of money half the time as well as he would sleep through all the bloody songs and activities!

I'm 6 years older now and DS2 is 3 months old. I've not attended one baby group, although I may try a playgroup when he gets older for him to socialise. I just go out and do whatever I want to do and take him with me. Garden centres, cafes, etc. I'm lucky in that I have some retired older relatives who I take with me sometimes. Tbh I love my own company and enjoy just being with him without the pressure of trying to make 'mum friends'. I have a couple of friends who have children so I meet up with them sometimes too.

Mine are now adults but basically from as soon as I could physically get out and drive the car they just tagged along with whatever I was doing which was mainly my horses . I didn’t go to baby groups , they went to nursery 2 mornings a week from about 15 months and did quite a few toddler activity things like tumble tots . We were out all the time , be it with horses or at parks , attractions etc .

Where do you live, OP? If you’re in a city you should be able to find a much wider variety of things to do. Art galleries were good when DS was small- generally well designed for buggies and you could spend a whole afternoon walking and chatting with your babe, especially good in bad weather.

I guess because I'm 36

Do be mindful of assuming that the other mums are all there because they love singing Wind the Bobbin Up in a church hall. None of us enjoy that aspect, or else there would be childfree versions springing up all over. People generally go because they think it’s beneficial to their baby or because they enjoy chatting to other adults. Of course you won’t get on with everyone, just as you wouldn’t get on with everyone in a bar, but you might get on with some of them. But not if you assume everyone else is a Stepford Wife.

I typed a huge reply and lost it but essentially I am due my second and my advice would be -

• write a huge list of local options of adult things to do. Take the baby. They may cry, nobody cares. Do galleries, museums etc.
• this stage of parenthood is potentially the LEAST constrained you'll be until your children are much older - galleries with 3 year olds are less relaxing
• consider doing stuff like local adult learning courses if you have a uni nearby. They are often surprisingly cheap and interesting!
• sitting in a church hall can occasionally be an excellent tonic against the horrors of the real world 😁. I tend not to think about the awful headlines whilst drinking stewed tea and a piece of 50p tray bake.

Go back to work early OP. As soon as you can. Not everyone enjoys ML and that is perfectly ok.

I hear you OP. 2nd mat leave and I’m struggling. I don’t mind baby/toddler groups, I like seeing my DC at them enjoying themselves and I like the structure they give to the day. Everybody seems to be in the same boat though. Nobody is rude or unpleasant, but It’s superficial chitchat from a bunch of folk with nothing in common who are mostly just trying to pass time. I don’t have my NCT lot around this time either. It’s very lonely and I do find myself missing both the social and the mental stimulation that work brings.

A lot of people hate baby groups, it’s not unusual at all.

OP - there’s lots of good ideas from baby group refuseniks on here, to which I would add - try and find a gym with a crèche

This describes those baby groups so well.

Op just don't go to the baby groups. You don't need to go to a single one. Before your baby is about 9m all they want is you. I personally think it's all a hustle when they say these classes improve your baby's speech development etc. You can sing, clap or just talk to your baby. I did one or two and vowed never again, and dd is doing great for speech milestones.

Things I enjoyed:

Before about 4-6m you can pretty much take your baby everywhere you want to go, as long as you can sit comfortably to feed them. I lounged in pubs constantly, either alone or with friends or with DH. I went into town and met my working friends on their lunch break to spend an hour having lunch. I went to town and wandered the nice department stores like fortnum and Mason to do my xmas shopping (although dd weed all over the changing table there, I had to clean it up while she screamed, that was a bad day)

There was also baby cinema (films for grown ups, but you can bring your baby and it's ok if they cry etc).

From 6-12m we did pubs and cafes and family friendly chain restaurants like Pizza Express where DD could try some dough balls or bits of cucumber and tomato. Long walks in the park. The occasional visit to a playground, baby swings. Hours in the playpen in the living room while I watched TV or played games on my phone.

After 12m it was soft plays, and playdates with nursery classmates (on my days off from work).

I'm expecting DC2 soon and have already decided that he will not go to a single baby group session haha

Agree with going back to work early too.

Not everyone enjoys Mat leave and if you don’t, a year is too bloody long

Honestly when my eldest was a baby I used another big parenting forum to meet some local mums and they're still my best friends now even though the babies are now 13 and 14.

Also there are some gorgeous and lovely baby groups not all church halls in the cold

What is a “mum-type”? I guarantee you the majority of the mums at the groups you’ve been to don’t take deep joy from sitting on the floor in a circle singing. They’re just mums trying to pass the time on their mat leave and give their baby a vaguely stimulating experience rather than put up with their whinging in the house. It’s completely fine not to go to groups (I didn’t bother much on mat leave with my second) but don’t imagine that you’re in the minority for not liking them and that those mums are any different to you.

this stage of parenthood is potentially the LEAST constrained you'll be until your children are much older

So true. In many/most ways, parenting has got a lot easier now my dd is a pre-schooler but I have way less freedom to just take her along to stuff I want to do.

"Mummy, I'm bored! Why are we doing this?! I don't WANT TO" etc etc

Whereas a newborn or medium sized baby will just happily be wheeled into whatever bookshop, cinema, department store, nice restaurant etc that you want to go to. You just need to keep them fed and changed, that's it

Cinema here does baby friendly movie showings with coffee and cake.

Walks round the park with a little coffee break, visiting family, free museum here with an aquarium which is like a big baby sensory room tbh.
The occasional soft play if the weather bad but I don’t really like these - too hectic.

If there’s a Bloom baby class by yours they’re quite good - they’re themed each week and you can dress the baby in a costume eg pirate, Harry Potter, sports day etc.. It’s only 1 hour a week to grin and bare them.

With Christmas coming up my plans are to go to a pumpkin patch, look at the lights in places like the range etc, Halloween party in the soft play near me.

@theduchessofspork yes but a lot of adults "hate" many things you have to do with children - you sometimes just have to grin and bear it.

embrace the baby groups...i didnt with my first three although there wasnt much on offer but with my surprise 4th I did take him to a number of baby groups. Ended up becoming friends with another mum and our children are in the same class at school. I would prefer to do lunch with wine but you can get a balance even though its pushing you out of your comfort zone

OP, how old is your older child as realistically that's what will determine what you can do?

I found social time quite tricky with my 2nd - DD1 was 3 when DD2 was born and so in nursery 9.15-12.15. The afternoons were very, very long sometimes.....especially as most baby groups were in the mornings which was when DD2 actually preferred to sleep....