Please tell me I'm not the only 'BAD MOM'!!! - who allows sweets, video games and late bedtime!

[Clairebear19842023]

Hi Moms,

I have 2 little kids, 7 and 9 year old boys. We do not run a strict household, the opposite in fact! Life is so short and they are only kids for such a short time so we hate to focus on rules and controlling their every move. We eat healthy, plenty of fruit, veg, meat, kids are not picky eaters but we allow treats every day, sometimes after school, sometimes after dinner, always dessert after dinner, cordial in our water etc. Both kids often choose to have fruit or yoghurt as a treat instead of sweets because they are not seen as a luxury or something 'bad' so they don't always go for sweets but they are their as an option. Both kids are super healthy, no weight issues, have never any cavities or any hyperactivity or behavioral issues which some parents have when their kids eat sugar. They both do various sports through out the week, but also enjoy spending time on their ipads and playstation. We allow them to play 'violent' games and watch most shows on tv because they know the difference between fake and real! The go to bed around 9 or half 9, when they are tired and always get up on time for school an can focus well and have energy for playing and sports. It just seems like these days, parents are so strict and controlling compared to how our laid back parents brought us up in the 90s - most of us remember sugar sandwiches, falling asleep on the couch and being carried up to bed, and watching chucky at halloween! The other moms act like my kids are dealing crack when they hang out the estate eating their bags of haribo or god forbid a bottle of fanta! All the other kids are brough in around 6pm to get ready for bed!! Is this really the norm that most people live by or I am losing it! Please say there are other chilled out parents out there!

Each to their own

but not how I chose to parent my two at this ages (nor now as early teens in fact)

Depends on what you mean by 'violent' (I'm guessing Fortnite, not GTA) but YANBU otherwise. It's good for kids to have variety of activities.

Also the parents that act most anti-games IMO are the ones whose kids are on the headset and chat at 11pm.

Funny my 90’s parents were stupid strict. But mine just might be the exception to the rule. But yes some parents are insane the way they monitor their child’s every single move. My 2 year old goes to bed at 10pm. I know it’s frowned upon but she also gets 12 hours of sleep because she doesn’t go to daycare so she’s getting plenty of sleep!

We do try to make sure she eats healthy but once a week we take her out for something sweet to eat. I was surprised by the dirty glares some mothers would give simply because we gave her half a donut! With no frosting even! Especially if my husband brought her out alone. You would have thought we kicked somebodies puppy!

How we raise our children is subject to fashions as much as anything else. Victorian’s were very strict and routined, then children were encouraged to be freer. Post war strict and parenting became more relaxed. I think we are now in an incredibly controlled time for parenting.

However a good diet, decent amount of sleep and manners never go out of fashion.

That does seem to be the case

Overly strict parents produce relaxed children
Relaxed parents produce upright children

I think this is why we see these ebbs and flows.

I think it wise to try to land somewhere in the middle. My parents were very strict and controlling especially in the teenage years as they were terrified of my siblings and I becoming teen parents. But they ended up causing us all to have sexual issues and relationship struggles. Ironically I didn’t but I learned quickly to ignore my parents which made them see me as the bad egg in their eyes. That in and of itself was very hurtful though.

I hope to get the right balance. But I suppose only time will tell. I’m certainly not taking her to a church to tell her that she’s going to turn into a horrible worthless woman the her virginity is gone. That’s for sure.

“most of us remember sugar sandwiches, falling asleep on the couch and being carried up to bed, and watching chucky at halloween”

This isn’t true for me.

Own your choices, but acknowledge that when something goes "right" it may very well be down to other factors and not actually in your control, same as if something goes "wrong".
So your choice to let your children have sweets on a regular basis hasn't resulted in damaged teeth, so that's obviously good for you, but remember that another child in the same circumstance could very well have needed lots of fillings. Same with junk food and weight.

The advice is usually based on the majority of children of that age so there's a reason behind why some of the things you mention are recommended or not. That does mean that it's automatic or the best for all children.

9pm isn’t a late bedtime for that age. Not sure leaving them to roam the streets until that time is wise though.

most kids play video games
most kids eat sweets

You’re really not the ‘cool mom’ you’re so desperate to be, sorry

Cheesus- or me. Plenty of parents had firm boundaries in the 90s.

OP - those are very late bedtimes especially everyday. Most children like boundaries (within reason) it makes them feel safe!

Sounds like a balanced approach.

My kids have a decent diet, have lots of outdoor time but are on screens too. They are at school five days a week too.

Basically the same as me

Yikes. Calm down dear. I highly doubt that’s where OP was trying to go with this. You on the other hand need to relax. 😂

My mum prided herself on me and my siblings not having a bedtime as she had been put to bed very early by her mum.
I now think this was neglectful as actually we were expected to put ourselves to bed whenever we were tired from a very early age and didn't get supportive nurture to help us unwind and relax ( eg bedtime stories , cuddles and goodnight kisses). It also meant she was lax on supervision of teeth brushing washing etc.
She thought she was being laisse faire and relaxed about parenting but actually it put adult responsibility onto us way too young and was far more to do with her own needs than ours

So I think it depends. There are reasons why dentists say parents should supervise tooth brushing till age 7.

I was super skinny as a child and showed no signs of eating too much sugar but too much and too free access to it as a child, plus using to regulate emotionally because of lack of appropriate nurture has lead to difficulties with my diet as an adult and I am currently obese.

The other parents are probably bringing their kids in at 6pm in order to eat some food. Do yours just stay out till 9.30 and never eat a meal OP?

@Clairebear19842023 just because you were fed 'sugar sandwiches' and watched 'Chucky' don't assume all children were treated in a similar way. I'd not be letting DC watch age inappropriate material or spend hours on end playing 'violent' games. Nor would I be letting my DC spend time at your house. But if you're happy for your kids to watch violence that's your business. Just don't be surprised if other parents stop their kids from going to your house.

Whether the way you decided to parent your dcs is/was a good was will only come out in another 20 years time @Clairebear19842023
When your dcs will be adults, and able to reflect back on their childhood with a bit of distance.

Parenting isn't just about rules, bedtimes and what you feed them though. It's also about morals, social rules and manners, so your kids turn out to be decent adults.

This. If it was all about rules a lot of parents would ace their parenting but many of these parents are quite nasty and judgemental. If your kid is watching you go around and treat others terribly and promoting bad behaviour then you’re going to turn out a nasty piece of work who has a good sleep schedule and a good diet but those are the only things going for them as a person.

Yikes. Calm down dear. I highly doubt that’s where OP was trying to go with this. You on the other hand need to relax

@VentiPumpkinSpiceLatte I don’t mind you taking a pop at me but don’t use misogynistic put downs, that’s definitely not cool.

This resonates so much with me personally.

Misogynist put down? You mean dear? Alright have it your way. Yeah because calling OP a ‘cool mom’ was a huge improvement. Why don’t we cut straight to the part where we start calling each other Karens! 😂

@Clairebear19842023 “most of us remember sugar sandwiches, falling asleep on the couch and being carried up to bed, and watching chucky at halloween”

Really? My children had none of those things in the 90's. Thank goodness.

Not sure what your point is? Fine, if it works for you and your kids.

Seems like you really want to be seen as a “cool mum”, which is a bit desperate

I was brought up by relaxed parents (bedtime all over the place; scary films; taken to parties where we fell asleep on piles of coats; fed rubbish). The freedom was good for my imagination but I am very anxious and uptight as an adult. I’m using more boundaries for my own kids.