Please tell me I'm not the only 'BAD MOM'!!! - who allows sweets, video games and late bedtime!

[Clairebear19842023]

Hi Moms,

I have 2 little kids, 7 and 9 year old boys. We do not run a strict household, the opposite in fact! Life is so short and they are only kids for such a short time so we hate to focus on rules and controlling their every move. We eat healthy, plenty of fruit, veg, meat, kids are not picky eaters but we allow treats every day, sometimes after school, sometimes after dinner, always dessert after dinner, cordial in our water etc. Both kids often choose to have fruit or yoghurt as a treat instead of sweets because they are not seen as a luxury or something 'bad' so they don't always go for sweets but they are their as an option. Both kids are super healthy, no weight issues, have never any cavities or any hyperactivity or behavioral issues which some parents have when their kids eat sugar. They both do various sports through out the week, but also enjoy spending time on their ipads and playstation. We allow them to play 'violent' games and watch most shows on tv because they know the difference between fake and real! The go to bed around 9 or half 9, when they are tired and always get up on time for school an can focus well and have energy for playing and sports. It just seems like these days, parents are so strict and controlling compared to how our laid back parents brought us up in the 90s - most of us remember sugar sandwiches, falling asleep on the couch and being carried up to bed, and watching chucky at halloween! The other moms act like my kids are dealing crack when they hang out the estate eating their bags of haribo or god forbid a bottle of fanta! All the other kids are brough in around 6pm to get ready for bed!! Is this really the norm that most people live by or I am losing it! Please say there are other chilled out parents out there!

Same except bedtime ends up being more like ten after I've read bedtime stories and DC would never chose yoghurt or fruit over sweets. We're very happy. And I remember nutella sandwiches and soda streams being daily events in my 80s childhood!

We have a low demand household becase of PDA.

My kids have snack drawers filled with crap and fruit/veg. The veg and fruit usually goes first (not always!!).

My children have access to their chosen tech at all times, with parental controls. They usually prefer to read/draw etc

They have a say in the day to day running of the house.

There is a bedtime, however they can read as long as they need, we are always on time for school, even though we have to leave at 6.45 am.

The only rule we have is " we do not hurt others' this includes through words etc

It feels wanky, and it's take a lot of learning on my behalf, but we have gone from daily meltdowns to none.

But I don't agree that kids know the difference between real world and what they see. Kids cannot rationalise that kind of thing. I've never been asked as a parent for these kind of games, but I will assess if this happens. But games such as GTA will be a resolute no until I feel them able to deal with the themes. I really don't think children should be encouraged to rape women and the rob them, as is a theme in one of the GTA I played.

TLDR: We need to know what is right for our children as individuals, bit also need caution of want we allow them to consume.

It just seems like these days, parents are so strict and controlling compared to how our laid back parents brought us up in the 90s - most of us remember sugar sandwiches, falling asleep on the couch and being carried up to bed, and watching chucky at halloween! I don't think 'most' parents were parenting the way you describe @Clairebear19842023

Ive seen more parents doing this than not and every child in my DS class (especially boys) play plenty of video games, eat plenty of sugar and often have limited rules re bedtime. I haven’t chosen that for my DC, but if you lived in my area you’d be in the majority. My parents didn’t choose that in the 90s, which is probably one of the reasons I didn’t choose it. My DH parents did and it didn’t suit him, but there was other stuff going on as well that were really low level neglect, so it’s not a great comparison due to those other factors. Equally, my DS responds poorly to lack of routines and boundaries and will always try to push them. Any behavioural difficulties escalate tenfold when he’s tired. However, I do think the lack of bedtime routine can be tricky for many - it might not seem that way as children, but it’s harder for adults to learn and can be hard to down regulate if you haven’t been taught to do that. Lots of teachers mention they know which children are tired in class.

My choice on video games was different - my DH worked in video games and saw the way they are created to encourage ongoing play using addiction pathways. His experiences shaped our decision to say no video games until teenage years when the brain is more developed. Equally, my ds is a child who has strict screen time limits due to being someone who, if he could, would spend lots of time on a screen. Obviously not all children are the same and his ADHD probably contributes. I’d rather set those boundaries and teach him why, so he has a chance to replicate that when he’s older and understand why I did it. I don’t think video games would have any level of positive input on him as a younger child really. I am fine with him doing it in moderation when he’s older, but it’ll come off the current allowed screen time. I also don’t agree with violent games, because I agree with studies that demonstrate lower empathy levels and helping behaviour after. I also think it can desensitise a bit, especially with empathising from a distance such as recognising violence on the news. I don’t think they cause violence, I do think those with violent tendencies can be drawn more to them (alongside those without). It’s less about the recognition of difference between what is real and not and more about stimulating adrenaline and cortisol release that can be misinterpreted as feeling frustrated or angry (especially when sat down playing a game). Does it make someone go out and commit violence? No. Can it cause frustrated behaviours in children? Yes, but some children are more vulnerable.

Theres also the melatonin side of it near bedtime, which when your DC are poor sleepers like mine tends to be considered because anything improving sleep (including no screens near bedtime) is worth it.

You sound like a great parent. If your kids are happy, no behavioural issues, doing well in school, and not tired keep it up! (The only thing I’m not sure about is how violent the video games are, but haven’t RTFT & as my DC is 5 video games don’t come into it)

I agree they’re only children for a small amount of time!

If you are even thinking that you are a 'bad mom' then you should be doing something to change so you dont even need to ask the question. We are all doing the best we can for our kids but you seem to suggest that even you dont think what you are doing is OK? Its not for others to judge but you need to be able to feel you did what you believe is right by them and maybe you dont? You are bringing your kids up completely opposite to me (decent bedtimes, never touched a video game, sweets in moderation, no fizzy drinks - (but then my family is in dental so i might be biased there..), no watching violence - i dont want to normalise violence - theres enough in the world with wars etc.. but i do let them watch survival programs where animals are killed and eaten (though they know if you eat meat you have to know where it comes from and never waste it etc. ) - so its all down to your own judgement - but like I say, if you feel the need to ask if you are a bad parent - are YOU convinced of your choices.. just dont want people to have regrets..