Bad experience at baby group

[Daisysimply]

Hi just looking to see if anyone else has had a similar experience at baby groups.
I’ve been taking my little girl to baby group for a couple of months and haven’t really had a bad experience up until today. I haven’t managed to make any mum friends at them as people don’t seem to speak to each other much (not sure if it’s just the one I go to) but it gets us out the house and my little girl seems to enjoy them. However I’ve been to a new one the past couple weeks and today was honestly horrible. They are a lovely group of women but I just felt so left out from every conversation. At one point I looked round and everyone was talking to someone apart from me. I struggle with joining in conversations as I have social anxiety but I tried to make eye contact and smile at others in the hope someone would talk to me but no one even looked at me. Probably is my fault for not trying hard enough to join in but still felt like someone could have tried to make conversation. Has massively put me off going and made me quite upset tbh :(

I remember attending a sign and sing baby group. Two women had a long conversation over me whilst I sat in between them for quite a long while. I smiled a bit at them, felt awkward, but they carried on as if I wasn't there. This was despite me being introduced as a new member of the group at the beginning by the leader.

I gave up baby groups after that. We met my friends a couple of times a week, and pottered. DS had all the socialisation he needed when I went back to work and he went to nursery.

I'm sorry you had this experience.

Oh this happened to me at a baby group once. It was a church hall playgroup sort of thing and I'd only gone by mistake as DS's usual group (Music Bugs) was cancelled that week and they were in the same church hall complex. I was making small talk with someone then her friend appeared and they literally jumped into a new conversation in the middle of a sentence and totally froze me out like I wasn't even in the room anymore.

I felt so upset (PND, yay) that I put DS in the pushchair to leave and one of the bloody volunteers chased after me and asked me why I was leaving so I was fighting back tears and trying to tell some random nosey stranger that I was fine and that it was time for DS's nap, because I just wanted to get away from there and wasn't fond of the idea of breaking down in front of the bitchy rude women who had literally ignored me. ARRRRRRGH. I never went back, but it was awkward walking past it on the way to my usual group for the next few weeks before Covid shut everything down.

Are there any other baby groups near you OP? I'd try another one if you haven't paid upfront for this one.

Sorry you had that experience. I think we've all been through it - I had the same at sing and sign and because it was a block of classes I stuck with it. It was a miserable hour every week for me but dc enjoyed it and of course we learnt the signs which was useful. If it was a class I'd probably persevere but if its a pay each time church hall type thing I'd ditch it and try a different one. Also agree with you that if you find some courage and start the conversation that people will likely be friendly back. But I understand it'd hard to make the first move. A bit of solidarity for you anyway, I think most off us on mumsnet have experienced this.

Totally normal unfortunately! I try my best to talk to someone even if it's just the usual 'how old are they?' type questions but yes quite often there are cliquey groups of mums - I went to one the other day when even the organisers sat in a Cliquey group the whole time which I thought was off - I just forced myself into their group but it's not easy and quite often it doesn't go far in terms of conversation. I find it hard as I moved from abroad after having my son so am kind of looking for friends as well as fun for him but it seems so hard to make friends at these groups.

It is horrible feeling self-conscious like that but I think it's highly likely that no-one noticed that you were not talking to anyone. Often everyone is so wrapped up in themselves and their kids at these things that they don't really notice what anyone else is doing so dont take it personally. Give it a couple more goes, see if you can get there early and strike up a chat with someone as they come in, before they have the chance to get stuck into a conversation with anyone else. I know this feeling tho and I am also rubbish at striking up a conversation so I know how hard that is and how unpleasant it feels to be sitting around like a lemon.

So, these groups are more about the mothers' social interaction than the babies, right? If you're socially awkward (as I am) this would be my nightmare scenario. These types of groups are probably not for you. Wait until you're DC is eligible for toddler groups where it's more about the children interacting with each other.

I'd just jump into their conversation tbh.

Thank you for all your lovely replies. Not nice to hear you’ve all had similar experiences but is reassuring to know I’m not the only one!

I’m definitely socially awkward but at the same time hate being home alone with the baby all day so I quite like going to them to get out the house I’m just not very good at the socialising unfortunately!

I once went to one when my oldest 3 where little-my youngest was about 3/4 months-id only gone as I had pnd and needed to get out

I'd been there 20 minutes when the Queen bee mum walked over,peered into the back of the double buggy,smirked while giving her mate the side eyeball and uttered the one sentence ill never forget

'Oh,here's one that will never find a job-he'll be OK tho-he can always open his own p*ki shop'

This woman and her kids where massively overweight so I snapped back 'and when yours are older,they can be the before for weight watchers' and walked out

I saw her about a year later in hospital-her middle kid had been playing chicken (it's where you run out in front of a fast moving car in the hope the driver stops in time) and she was braying to anyone who would listen,that it wasn't her angels fault-it was all the drivers fault for,well driving,at the speed limit

She saw me and fucked off

I've never seen her again

Oh and that baby?

He's now 23 and has a glittering career of his choosing (nothing to do with retail-nothing wrong with retail-i work there myself)

@Pebblesflintstoneandbambamrubble

Wow. Just unbelievable what an awful woman.

I'm not proud of my weight watchers comment but we'd done nothing to upset her
I'd not spoken to her-she just came over
Sent my pnd into a tailspin at the time
I'm still fuming though-to say that about a baby is disgusting

It's good that you smiled and tried to join in but if you didn't really talk to the others they may have thought you didn't really want to get involved? I always tried to talk to different people at groups but I wouldn't have wanted to push it if it wasn't clear you wanted to chat. Try not to be put off (even if you try a different group instead) - if you're not sure how to get involved, just say how cute someone's baby is, everyone loves a compliment ☺️

Hmmmm

I struggle with social anxiety too, so I totally felt your OP! Went to another baby group today. As my son has gotten older i find it easier as I talk to him most of the time now (as he can talk now). I maybe said a couple of words to the other mums but find it hard to have conversations. Don't have any real advice as obviously I'm similar but just wanted you to feel less alone!

I look after my young grandchildren four days a week. I always take them to some sort of class/toddler session. I am very friendly and enjoy a chat but I am aware other Mums don't want to get stuck with the old Granny. I am genuinely touched when other parents take the time to chat back. It is difficult because I really see that they are often desperate to offload to someone their own age and I do feel guilty . I never take it personally if they don't chat to me. I can see that they are often longing to make connections and talk nurseries and return to work. I am a governor at a local sought after school and bumped into the Vicar who is also on the governing body. Some mothers who overheard our exchange then suddenly became interested in talking to me. I really really don't worry about it though. It is hard being a mum and offloading at a stay and play session is an important for many parents.

If you’re only really going to get out of house does it matter if no one talks to you? I went to lots of baby classes but it was like you to fill a morning in and spend time with my baby. If someone spoke to me I’d politely reply but I wasn’t going to make friends so didn’t actively try speak to people, small talk is my idea of hell so I was happy if no one spoke to me!

But everyone clapped though

You need to talk to people. It's the only way this works. It's not other's responsibility to include you. You need to do the work.

I get out to baby classes and stay and plays with my toddler every day but I'm introverted and quite happy to focus on the activities with my dc rather than chatting to other mums. I don't feel the desperate need to make mum friends and it's definitely been the case that every other adult is talking to each other except me. But I wouldn't be left with nobody to interact with because I always have my DD! I am not sure how I'd have much of a chance to chat to anyone for much time as she needs me to intervene fairly frequently.

The main motivation for me for attending is to expose my dc to different environments and activities and she's learned loads from different classes, so I'm always confused by comments saying it's just for the parent and not the baby. For somebody with social anxiety, I'd recommend the shorter and more focused toddler classes rather than toddler groups, they are usually about 45 mins and there is less time for chatting to happen, there is a constant stream of guided activities and you're told exactly what to do and songs to sing. Loads of fun for the toddler and I always love to see my DD enjoy herself.

Many years ago with a new baby I found it was easier if I went to the same things each week, sitting in the baby area with immobile babies seemed to be the best place to chat , once you have a toddler people are distracted by the toddler and have also met people when at the baby stage. also think of at as going somewhere for a chat to pass the time, not to make BFFs

Oh I remember having very similar experiences at baby and toddler groups. It is horrible and it sticks with you. I tried a few and honestly just didn't feel welcome at any of them. Either I got ignored completely, or I got judgement for formula feeding and asked why I didn't just try to give my baby the best (I was on strong medication you couldn't breastfeed on, I had zero choice in this). I also got asked what I did wrong in pregnancy to make my baby so small- yes someone genuinely asked that and their own mother joined in to tell me how scary it was that my child was so small. He was premature due to pre eclampsia, I didn't do anything wrong.
But I was also suffering from PND and PTSD following the birth. So as you can imagine those interactions had a crippling effect at the time. I just embraced time alone with my son, got really into sensory play and baby massage at home on our own and formed a very strong bond with my child away from judgy ignorant buggers.
My heart goes out to any other mum who has to experience crap baby groups, big hugs all round. You are all doing bloody incredibly!

I have 4 children and never went to baby groups as always heard how unfriendly they were and just decided against it!

Sounds similar to a few of my experiences first time around. I've never really made any 'mum friends' which is a shame for my daughter but hoping it will improve once she's at school.

When she was a baby it was still covid times so groups were all short on spaces and fully booked. I booked the only one I could get on at a church hall and every week sat 2m away from other people with my mask on and played with some different toys to those we had at home but spoke to nobody. I tried arriving early before everyone was engaged in conversation, later so I could choose a spot next to another lonely person (they were just waiting for their friends to turn up - "no you can't sit there"), 'forgetting' to bring wipes or something so I had a reason to initiate conversation, offering to buy the person next to me a coffee etc and nothing worked - everybody already had friends. I once thought I was doing well chatting to someone for a few minutes but as soon as I went to breastfeed my baby she turned the other way and never spoke to me again. It was the loneliest 90 minutes of my week and depressingly I did it for months because there was nothing else open and my husband needed some time alone in the house while working from home.

Think of me this morning then. I have my baby granddaughter and I will take her to a Stay and Play at a local Church Hall. She is so sociable and loves it. I know most of the young mums won't want to get lumbered talking to someone old but I really don't mind. She gets such a buzz from the other children. It is worth being a bit uncomfortable for an hour to see her having a good time with the other little ones.