Bad experience at baby group

[Daisysimply]

Hi just looking to see if anyone else has had a similar experience at baby groups.
I’ve been taking my little girl to baby group for a couple of months and haven’t really had a bad experience up until today. I haven’t managed to make any mum friends at them as people don’t seem to speak to each other much (not sure if it’s just the one I go to) but it gets us out the house and my little girl seems to enjoy them. However I’ve been to a new one the past couple weeks and today was honestly horrible. They are a lovely group of women but I just felt so left out from every conversation. At one point I looked round and everyone was talking to someone apart from me. I struggle with joining in conversations as I have social anxiety but I tried to make eye contact and smile at others in the hope someone would talk to me but no one even looked at me. Probably is my fault for not trying hard enough to join in but still felt like someone could have tried to make conversation. Has massively put me off going and made me quite upset tbh :(

Unfortunately, the somebody who has to strike up a conversation is you. And it will just be inane baby chat or whatnot, but once you do it at least you are getting to know people.

I went with the idea of if I chatted fine if not fine it got me out the house, sure I went for me more than my child but the aim was a routine and getting out of the house I was not there to make BFFs

But would happily chat if it came up

No I suppose it doesn’t really matter if I don’t talk to anyone, my main aim is to fill time and entertain the baby but would still be nice for a little adult conversation now and then since my partner works long hours

100% agree I need to be putting the effort in which is why I make the effort to smile/ say hi to people I just struggle with making conversation. Just feel if people see someone on their own getting somewhat left out they could make the effort to try and include them maybe

Yes I take her to a shorter singing session on a Friday which is 45 mins. There’s constant activities/ singing so not much time for chat which is probably why that one feels less awkward

Why don't you approach other parents who are on their own.

I would have and have done at other groups but sadly I was the only one on my own!

I've had exactlt the same experiences so rest assured you're not the only one and whether you're socially awkward (I am also and an introvert), these places really can make you feel dreadful. So here's what I decided to do;

I made the decision that I was going to these playgroups for my little girl, not for myself. Honestly your life isn't your own anymore and putting on a brave face for your child really will build up your confidence in these kind of scenarios.

I purposefully moved out of my comfort zone otherwise I'd never get stronger, wiser or make ourselves open to new experiences.

This in turn helps one realise how they want to be treated; if you see a socially awkward mother now's your cue to help her out (perhaps make a new friend?)

You don't have to stay! I tried out a couple of baby groups before I found a few that were somewhat decent. If you're going somewhere where the people don't recognise simple social ettiquette then move on. "Different horses for different courses!" As the saying goes.

Try and find some church-led baby groups (I found a fantastic one). The women who organised it made it their job to talk to every mum there and make even the shyest mum feel welcome.

Do understand that in essence all of us are just trying to survive in a very hostile world and not everyone treats us how we'd like to be treated. I do believe that what you put out, will eventually find it's way back to you so you will find your right people if only for a season or in for the long haul!

Don't give up! And all the best to you and your little one - they grow so fast and this time will pass in a heartbeat.

Oooh, I think many of us have been there. I remember making chit chat to a woman in the queue and her friend came and stood between us with her back to me. A few times as well, no one would sit either side of me on the mat. I remember the blood rushing to my face in embarrassment, felt like school all over again.

What makes me feel better is realising so much of the behaviour (both in school and in baby groups) comes from people feeling insecure - no one wants to have their place in a clique or group taken away.

Its a weird idea that just because we have children, we will have anything in common. I have seen some truly toe curling behaviour by other mums at nursery and would rather punch myself in the tit than be friends with them. I would try another group - I found smaller ones easier for everyone to chat together. Also try things like library stay and plays where theres less pressure to chat.

Ah fuck it op. Honestly, I used to feel like this and I tried to do all the baby groups, Jesus Christ I was doing all sorts, massage, sensory, singing Humpty Dumpty at the library, shaking tambourines at an uninterested baby, you name it I did it. And I never made a single friend or remember anyone from those times and it was only a few years back.

Now my daughter's at school I've made a couple of friends with the mums in the class. You'll find some people to socialise with but I find the baby groups so unnatural and awkward if you are introverted like me. Just try and smile and think fuck it if no one talks - all you can do is be open and friendly and try and join in.

People might not be being "cliquey" though, they're just talking to their friends.
When I went to groups with people I knew I wasn't looking around for someone alone to include to be honest. I was trying to watch my kids, have a coffee and relax for an hour, and trying to have a conversation and a catch up with a friend who I might not have seen all week.
If someone approached me for a conversation during this of course I'd chat back, but it seems a bit unfair to label people as being in a clique just because they're not approaching you.
If it was the other way round and you were socialist with a friend I'm sure you wouldn't label yourself a clique!
(Not to OP, to the PP posting about cliques)
It is hard but you just have to keep trying.

I think it takes a long time to get into a group. I'd give it a full term before you quit. It isn't people being mean, they just want to have a conversation that isn't small talk.

Why hmmm? People who don't experience racism often struggle to believe it. I'm white btw but have heard some shocking things from people who aren't.

What a horrible thing to happen pebble

I'm awkward and tried to use my local playgroup to make friends but found it very cliquey.

Last post was meant to quote the two posts by the woman who experienced horrible bitchiness and the other who says hmmm

I found I needed to try a few out before I found my tribe. Some were really a bit odd and unfriendly, one had a ridiculous "interview" process before you could attend, and another one expected a commitment to come every week. It was a few months before I hit upon one that worked for me.

Probably is my fault for not trying hard enough to join in but still felt like someone could have tried to make conversation. Has massively put me off going and made me quite upset tbh.

Sorry this happened OP, I'm pregnant and really dread this kind of thing. On the other hand though (since you're feeling upset), think about it like this: you're expecting other tired mums to do an extra job - looking out for you and thinking of ways to include you. Far more likely that they're just too knackered from lack of sleep/childcare to do that one extra thing, than that they're leaving you out deliberately. Quite different from some of the genuinely rude and horrible behaviours others have experienced.

Just saying that to make you feel that it was just bad luck and you should try again next time since you say they're nice people.

Also I have a lot of shy/introverted friends and I think they often underestimate how many other people are shy/introverted too. So they're sometimes waiting for "someone" to make the effort or include them, but in fact the other people in the situation might find it just as hard to speak to a stranger as they do. As the more outgoing one if I'm around I often find myself making introductions and thinking of things to talk about to try and make sure no-one is excluded, let me tell you - it is actual work to do this! The world isn't full of people who find socialising and creating social cohesion easy, and then a few people who find it super hard. I think on average people find it pretty hard, a few of us find it easier but still an effort, and then there are a small number for whom it genuinely flows out of them. So don't feel alone, there'll be other people in ANY group who are feeling just like you. That is a good reason to go up and say hi, if nothing else.

I was totally that person at baby groups who was sat alone feeling horribly self conscious wondering how the hell all these mums knew each other well enough for all the gossip and belly laughs.
Now my DD is at school and has made her own friends (a lot easier than I ever could) I’ve been forced together with some mums and it turns out we get on really well!
I’m now probably one of those mums at pick up who will be making small talk with someone and one of my friends will arrive and we will start having a proper conversation. I don’t do it to be mean I just get excited to see and chat to someone I know.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is there is soooo much time to make mum friends when the kids are little and I never ever thought I’d have mum friends of my own! It can and does happen - but also maybe try some different groups to find your kinda people!

That’s reassuring to here! Thanks everyone!

think another thing that’s not helped is I did get talking to one woman a couple weeks ago at this group I’ve signed on to for 6 weeks and thought we got on really well. She seemed lovely and turned out we had mutual friends so thought great I’ve found someone here but the past couple sessions she’s completely blanked me. Doesn’t speak, say hi or even look in my direction at all. So strange but shouldn’t judge everyone just because of her weird behaviour. Is just hard when you’re already feeling anxious and something like that happens. Postpartum hormones aren’t helping!

My experience at every baby group I’ve been too. I go now with the notion of just getting toddler out of the house, I’m destined to never have mum friends but I’m content with that now. It’s just a shame for DD as she’s an only child, it would have been nice to have a friend we could have play dates with but nee fucker will talk to me. I’m fat so I now that’s why.

It can be really tricky, especially when people already come with their friends but I really try and put myself out there. Saying that though, I attend a group with my son and all of the other mums are quite unfriendly. The room is tiny and I got the last (squashed) space in the class the other week. A mum threw her coat at my spot and said that she was saving it for her friend. There was nowhere else to sit! I just sat down 😆.

Last year I took my LO to a Christmas class, he was 11 months at the time and the class was for kids age 0-4.

It had been snowing, I was late and arrived all flustered and walked into the room and everyone was sitting down in a circle with no room for me to join in. I remember just sitting at the back of the room on my own and fighting back the tears when one of those running it came over and made room for us to join in, I was so grateful but also massively embarrassed so spent the rest of the session concentrating on my son and not making eye contact with anyone else.

I never went back but that was mostly because he started nursery a month later. I have been to some lovely classes though so it didn't put me off going to others.

When you're stood at the school gates every day you'll get chatting to people and play date offers, parties, park after school etc will be more forthcoming. Don't think that it'll always be like this! And being overweight doesn't stop people making friends.

I went to one and didn't go back. Felt out of place x

Oh this takes me back. I remember going to a baby class and sat down to another Mum and was chatting away with her, when the other Mum’s friend turned up, pretty much physically pushed me away by shoving herself arse first inbetween me and her mate, and then turned her back on me for the rest of the session.

The joys of new motherhood sisterliness!

I had a similar experience at baby groups. Other mums were friendly and I’d end up chatting to one, then she’d end up going off with her friend. I didn’t make any long-term friendships from baby groups.

I wish I’d done NCT, as I know a few women who’ve made long-lasting friendships with other members of their group. Ah well!