Is my toddler THAT toddler? I left in tears

[somethingiremember]

Yesterday I started a toddler group with my DC and ended up sitting in the car afterwards crying. I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m not usually someone like this but it has obviously hit a nerve.

I’m a SAHM so DC doesn’t go to nursery or pre-school and I’m used to taking DC out and about with me. It can be a handful, DC is energetic but what I thought was a typical tot. Anyway, I get to the group and DC is running all over the place and I’m trying to encourage joining in with the tasks. I can see all the other children there are following along and DC suddenly stands out like a sore thumb. I was doing my best in the situation whilst my heart was sinking and then one of the other mums gave me a look that I can’t put into words but made me feel like the worst mum in the world. I felt so protective of DC and just wanted to leave so sort of hurried off at the end when the other mums all had a chat. DH thinks I should have stayed to talk and thinks DC just has bags of energy. I’m worried it is more than this and it has taken me nearly 3 years to notice.

Has anyone else had something similar happen? Is it because I’m a SAHM and would have noticed earlier otherwise? Or have I landed in a group of very well behaved children and DC seems a bit wild compared to them?

Please don't worry OP mine was that child too! And is now 16 and lovely, kind, helpful and great.
I think it means intelligence.

A someone who left many a toddler group in tears, I feel your pain SO much!

I often used to wonder what was the secret to littles ones who would sit nicely and sing, draw or whatever. I never found out!

This may be a daft idea (it's a long time since I has a child that age) but could you perhaps do some little role play games at home with his teddies where you get them do sit in a circle and do things and reward them for participating? Just for a couple of minutes at a time at first and not making a big deal of it. Just thinking, if he's never experienced anything like this before, he doesn't know what is expected and it might help him get the idea.

DC1 always ran around and wouldn’t join in despite doing lots of nursery from a young age. When he got to school age I was glad he had experience of groups and routines though, so it didn’t feel strange to him. The term after your little one turns three you’ll get 15 hours a week of free preschool (but you need to find a place) so it might be worth planning ahead to find somewhere with spaces, then you know he’ll get plenty of practice before school.

Persevere! My first son was all over the place at that age and wouldn’t conform in groups at the very beginning but he is a very calm A-level student now.

I don’t know why they try and organise them at toddler groups at that age, they are uncontrollable 🤣 my DD never did what she was ‘supposed’ to do either or would go off and play on her own even though she loved being with other kids.

he was probably just really excited. Sadly you will meet a lot of arseholes at these groups, and I don’t mean the toddlers! Ignore them.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you're doing just fine. If you feel up to trying again next week, then go for it!

FWIW, DC1 was a piece of cake: very calm, compliant, would run and play, but would sit and join in with activities too, very chatty and friendly with all. DC2 was the opposite (completely feral, had horrific tantrums). Both were in nursery from about 6m old (I had to go back to work FT). I parented both in the same way. We didn't go to toddler groups as they were both at nursery. I DID almost go to a mum and baby group when DC1 was tiny, but chickened out before I went through the door (I was a youngish single mum who was still smarting from ex walking out on me before DC1 was born, so wasn't in the right place mentally)!!

Looking at my kids now, you wouldn't be able to tell which was was the feral child and which was the calm child.

The toddler groups that expect calm children who follow instructions attract that type of child, and they keep going back.
The parents with more "spirited" kids go once and find an alternative.
Like breeds like. It's not the right place for your child. Find a less structured group that suits your child's personality.

My eldest was a bitter! You got off lightly.

Same, I used to call them Bitch&Titch…the local childminders had a monopoly on them so as “just a mum” you didn’t stand a chance

Thank you for your contribution.

OP, my DC is like this at one particularly activity we do. They're in nursery full time, so I'm not sure it makes a difference.

He was likely really excited. Stick with it. Honestly, on another occassion it will be someone else's child.

Sounds like my son. He was fine at music group until he started walking then he was everywhere he shouldn't be, running around when all the other kids were sat down listening. In the end I just realised that's not the right group for him. He's active and doesn't want to sit down banging shakers. I wouldn't worry about it, all kids are different. Going to nursery and now starting preschool has really helped my son with structure and routine, it took him a while to get it though. Also there will always be at least one judgemental parent wherever you go, don't rise to it. Just smile and shrug it off.

Your child doesn’t need to conform to a box. They’re 3! Just go with the flow. It wasn’t like they were going around swinging at all the kids trying to take their jaws off. 😅

It’s a big “adult ask” to get a 3 year old to sit down and engage in crafts/activities - sometimes just running in circles is fun for them and that’s fine. Sometimes I wonder where we lose that sort of enjoyment. Imagine being 30 and just running around in circles in the office, giggling away? Life would be so less serious and stressful. 🥹

so, don’t stress, you’re not a bad mum and they’re not a bad child. We can’t all be exactly the same and interested in exactly the same things - life would be way too boring! Plus, children who like to be themselves and think outside the box, are usually the ones to implement change in their future. The world-changers. Just nurture it and don’t let it make you doubt your motherly capabilities ❤️❤️❤️

My DS did a poo in the middle of the first toddler group we went to. A full on log on the floor. love this so much!

OP are there any "kiss and leave" classes (where they dont allow the parents in) in your area? I ask because sometimes when kids are in a new environment and don't know what to expect they may be more obedient and likely to listen to a new adult. My 2.5 year old goes to one of these and I am AMAZED by how well behaved these tiny kids are. They're a little uncoordinated but you can really see for the most part that they're trying to do what the teacher says. Something like that might get him in the habit of listening and following directions.

He just needs to settle in and learn the routine. I expect he was very excited.

I once helped start up a preschool language group and initially it was a nightmare - total chaos - we were so downhearted that it was going to work. Then at week three, bingo, they pretty much all got it and settled down and joined in (within reason).

Try this group again if he enjoyed it but if you still don't enjoy it look for another one. Try not to follow him around. Unless he's doing something dangerous or annoying other children letting him run on his own will draw less attention. Maybe you can talk before you go and discuss sitting to listen to a story or whatever, rather than hoping he will want to join in lots of new activities

Would he like a more physical class do you think? Would he take instructions from someone else?

I've got a 2 1/2 year old who I call the wildling. We don't go to groups because he would be exactly like this (also I hate them) he can't sit still for a minute. Even at soft play, I found him unzipping the bits that you're not supposed to go in and climbing in there! He's been at nursery since he was 1 and is also my 4th kid (other three were like little ducklings who followed me about serenely) and I haven't done anything differently. Some kids are just adventurous. Don't worry about it. You don't need to go to groups if you don't enjoy it, let him run round the park instead. You're doing fine.

I definitely had "that child", he is 19 highly motivated, intelligent (top of his year @ Oxbridge) and kind young man. The sweet placid toddler is a living 15 yo nightmare of boys, drugs and booze.

My son was that DC. Don't worry about judgy mothers.

Maybe take him to the park for a romp before you go next time to get some of that energy burnt off?

Mine hated groups at that age - we used to go to tumble tots and everyone else’s child used to join in nicely, while mine would be off trying to pull down the stack of gym equipment in the corner, or once he worked out how, letting himself out of the classroom and running off to play somewhere else. I used to get tuts from the other parents, and was asked on a couple of occasions whether he had additional needs (no other concerns from nursery etc).

What helped was mostly age, but also him going to school, and him starting to go to classes by himself without me (with me there, he tries to play with me. Without me there, he focuses on the teacher). It wasn’t a sign of anything deeper going on, he was just immature, not that interested, and couldn’t focus for long.

Please don't overthink it. My first DV had bags of energy and always stood out at groups. All the other toddlers would sit on their parents knees and sing and clap and mine just rang around the room like a lunatic. He's now an adorable and studious 6 year old who is sweet as a button.

I always used to look at the other parents and think how do they do it but My second DC was the opposite and would sit and sing at groups and it blew my mind. It was nothing I did, just how they are naturally.

@somethingiremember next time don't run around after him why don't you try going to the craft table or whatever and doing it I'm sure he would quickly come and see what mummy was doing.

Most groups are fine. You don't have to talk to anybody if you don't want to!