Smelly child

[Snds43]

I would like kind and considerate thoughts on this please..

So, my two dc have a friend who lives nearby and is a lovely, happy, clever 10 yr old child. My dc and this child all go to the same primary school and play a lot in and out of the school. I know the childs parents quite well as i used to work for the same company as one of them, but we are not friends as such. They are both professional middle class people.

My dc has told me that they don't want this child coming round to our house anymore because they smell bad. My dc is a considerate friend and did not say this to the child themselves, but feels grossed out by the smell, the child always being snotty and walking around outside with socks on only, which then get really dirty and then walking straight into the childrens bedroom/jumping on beds.

I told my child they're doing the right thing by not saying these thoughts out loud to the child themselves or their friends, as that could embarrass the child and hurt their feelings. I said maybe they can only play outdoors from now on so that the smell isnt so noticeable.

The things is that the problem is real. The child is always a bit dirty, apparently they bathe only once a week. They smell of poo a lot, and the childs parent has told me a few years ago that they soiled their underpants til quite late and they unfortunately got bullied about it and found it hard to make friends.

So what would you like to happen if this was your child? My dc likes this friend a lot, and i find it sad the child is potentially loosing friends due to bad hygiene. Would you say something to the parents? How can you even approach a subject like this?

Smart. Take shampoo too so they get to wash their hair. My son didn't like playing with one child because he smelled of cigarette smoke. His parents both smoked and I suspect in the house too, because the he child's clothes stank of cigarettes.

I'd also be speaking to the school - ask for the designated safeguarding lead, it's possibly a sign of neglect - possibly the parents can't afford to wash the clothes more regularly/ replace them if needed. They will potentially have already noted any concerns they have so it will potentially help build a picture.

It may be they are touchy because they are aware but they are struggling too badly financially to properly act or there may be deeper issues - the school will have their own knowledge of any concerns so as mentioned, your observations could help them

Your children sound lovely!

You should absolutely tell social services. I'm now very close to retirement but remember vividly a child in my class who smelt strongly of wee, and wore odd clothes. No one was this poor girls friend. I met her again about 20 years ago - she was a lovely vivacious woman with kids and grandchildren she adored. I am absolutely ashamed that when she was a child we laughed at her, and pointed the finger. We had playground games based on avoiding the fleabag in case we caught something from her. When I met her again she was head and shoulders above me. I will carry shame for every day of my life in case we affected her - no one knows who she is but for me Shirley you are spectacular.

Do not do this. Utterly ridiculous.

Sounds like the kid may have bowel issues. My DD was impacted for many years and sometimes leaked. Also at 10 it's not that unusual for kids to need showering every other day. One of mine has adrenarche so got smellly at 9.

Presumably you didn't just shrug and leave him to smell? This kid's parents are, and it's affecting him socially. Someone's got to force the parents to look after him properly.

As a teacher I also recommended going straight to social services. Even if it is due to a bowel issue SS will be able to contact relevant medical professionals to verify this and will also be able to provide the family with support to manage it by linking or signposting them to relevant professionals and support groups. If it is something more untoward then it is important SS know so they can rule out medical issues and investigate potential neglect. If the issue is as bad as you say I am sure school will have noticed and will be addressing it appropriately however I would still as a concerned parent go directly to SS and let them know my concerns and that you feel they may be a family in need. SS are there to support families.

Your child sounds like a wonderful friend . Speak to the school. You're a good person being so kind and considerate about this. I don't think talking to the parents will work. Poor thing. Hope it works out. You'll be helping this little one by speaking to the school, they're probably already aware as they spend time with this child of course on a day to day basis but there may be cause for concern if this child's hygiene is not being a priority for the parents.

@HarrietJet No I didn't just shrug and do nothing.

OP describes this child as lovely, happy and clever. Before calling social services I'd suggest a gentle chat with the parents being honest about how your kids are describing the lad as presenting. Or, contacting school to report what your kids have said.

@MadCatLady27 there is no element of poverty with this family. They are both professionals earning well, plus they have a few rental properties.

My child says their house is messy too and that the parents never clean. I've been to their house downstairs, and it is a bit grimey. They both seem to just work a lot and be a bit aloof in general. One of them is quite known locally and talks publicly about things like child welfare etc, which makes the whole thing baffling. There's been other signs of improper care over the few years Weve known them (child alone at home etc)

I teach children of this age and this would be a concern for potential neglect, particularly if there has been a known medical condition with their bowels previously and they aren’t receiving medical care they need to help address the problem. Most schools have a system where they log concerns like this to build a picture of what’s happening over a longer period of time so you may be helping to put another puzzle piece together.

Lack of personal hygiene is a sign you’re told to watch for in safeguarding training so it would definitely be worth having a quiet word from the school. The others parent won’t be told you reported it.

@soupmaker You are wrong. I work for a local authority and we’ve actually been told to do this. It’s safeguarding as pointed out by pp.

Maybe I am. But from what the OP says in her original post the default position of some posters of going straight to social services to report seems to me ridiculous.

OP knows the parents, they've been open about the soiling issue, why not mention what their own DC had said to them.

Speaking to the school seems a much more proportionate first step than calling social services.

It’s neglect which is a form of child abuse. Talk to the school.

I'd worry if I told someone that my child says their child smells that they'd just take it really badly and tell their child not to play with my child or something. I think it would be much better coming from a neutral third party.

I was the smelly child ... my friends mum was heaven sent to nhelp me as a youngster.
We were always in the paddling pool with mr matey in. Something was always spilt on my clothes, which resulted in me having to wear my friends clean clothes and mine being washed.
She really looked after me.
I think you should make school aware.
Although if the child smells badly then,they Will already know.

Agree

@grayhairdontcare aww bless you.. It's not the childs fault, yet they are the one suffering.

I have a problem re a secondary school child that gcse ds sits next to. I've reported it to school many times. This poor girl smells so bad that it makes my child feel ill. They keep moving my ds, so it is now resolved. But no other child wants to sit next to them. And this poor child! School are now kind of inferring / implying it's a medical condition that can not be made better. That's sad isn't it?

Poor child. It is difficult but the school are obviously aware. Perhaps put some deodorant and washing powder in the school's food bank, or the local one.

Does the school give out Hygiene Packs to families who need them too either from funding or from the Hygiene Bank?

If it was that simple surely the school would've already addressed it?

Surely 10 year olds can shower themselves?

It may be something like sweat glands removing? I don't know what other medical conditions it could be. Whatever the issue it's clearly not easily resolvable. Poor girl!

Definitely DON'T talk to the parents. Talk to school or social care. This is neglect and is a Safeguarding issue.

I don't know if they would, I suppose it depends on the school and we never do know what's going on between the school and the families I suppose.

I have a DF whose DD now has Botox in her armpits, the smell is apparently that bad. Perfectly clean and normal family just an unfortunate health problem for her DD.

Ours is lovely. The Head phoned me tonight. I'm assuming they are trying. Sadly it's just not working. This poor girl has smelt continuously for 4 years. I've had to ask for ds to be moved 5 times. Even yesterday ds said she still smells.