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Parenting

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Original poster

no one wants to be our friend!

30 replies

lacarte · 03/03/2008 12:16

Well I might be exaggerating. I do have friends, honest, but I am trying to find friends for ds1, 2.9. I've tried playgroups - v cliquey and depressing for me, I really gave it a go but gave up after one snub too many. I've tried asking a couple of his nursery friends - he goes 2 mornings a week - but all the mums seem to know each other and have things on (or want to avoid me!). We are relatively new to the area and so don't have old NCT mates etc. I have plenty of friends with babies my dd's age (8 month) but none with friends his age and am trying but failing to find some! No one to go to the park with, no one to invite round for lunch/ tea etc etc. What am I doing wrong?!

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fryalot · 03/03/2008 12:19

Have you had a trawl through Mumsnet Local for your region? There may be some meet ups planned. If not, you could always start a thread and see if there's much interest.

netmums has quite a good local section where you can meet other mums with children of a similar age to yours.

Do you have a local play cafe where you could take them for a play while you have a coffee? There may well be other mums there who are wanting to meet others in a similar situation.

Failing all of that, you could mention it to your HV and see if she can either suggest a group or even another mum for you to get together with.

Good luck.

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 12:24

no one on my mumsnet local! I will look at netmums (but keep it a secret). He does structured things a couple of times a week but has no one to just play with and I think he must get a bit fed up with me and his baby sister

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RedFraggle · 03/03/2008 12:26

Hi Lacarte, where are you?
Playgroups seem to take months and months before people will talk to you! Not sure why, but I am only just making new friends now and I've been taking DD there for about a year and a half!

I'm on the Wirral in the northwest, if you're anywhere near me, I'll be your friend

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RedFraggle · 03/03/2008 12:27

Should have added, I have DD 2.10 and DS 9 months..

fryalot · 03/03/2008 12:28

If there's nobody on your mumsnet local, start a thread, there may be tons of mums who just haven;t got around to actually doing anything about the local section and if you do a thread they may all come out of the woodwork.

It's worth a try while you're here

poppynic · 03/03/2008 12:28

We moved countries and knew no one. My son got very good at making "friends" at the park. I think it really strengthened his social skills. If you go every (sunny) day you get to know other people there who go with their kids. You will eventually hook up with someone who "matches". Good luck.

nailpolish · 03/03/2008 12:29

he will be more than happy with you and his baby sister! dont worry

is it company for you or him? be honest...

is he going ti start nursery when hes 3? im not sure where you live but here in scotland children get a free nursery place when they are 3 (12.5hrs a week free)
when my dd1 started nursery at 3 becaue it was a regular thing and i saw the same mums every mornign it was easier to make friends than at playgroup. also, as your ds gets older he will ask "can jimmy come round to mine?" so that makes it easier too

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 12:29

aw thank you redfraggle! bit of a trek sadly - we're in bedfordshire

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nailpolish · 03/03/2008 12:29

start a thread!

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 12:34

ir really is for him - I have some good friends with little babies just not toddlers.

I suppose the bit that I would like, though, is that he wouldn't need be to be playmate as well as mummy if you see what I mean. He gets fed up when I have to do housework - or anything else that doesn't involve all my attention for that matter. he's at the age where he can play happily with others so it does take the pressure off.

weirdly there is never ever anyone at our local park, whatever the weather, apart from much older kids after school

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Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 12:38

actually ... I guess it a is a bit for me too if I think about it - the whole having a coffee and chilling out for a little bit while they play side

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MrsTittleMouse · 03/03/2008 13:08

Could you make some more NCT friends in your new area?
I started swimming lessons with DD, mostly as a way of meeting new people, and I chat to people in playgrounds - sometimes you click and then I give them my phone number. It sounds as though I'm terribly brazen (maybe I am!) but I'm shy inside really, I've just found that it takes a lot of "leads" to make just one genuine friend and I'm damned if I'm going to be lonely!

newgirl · 03/03/2008 13:15

have you tried a regular group eg tumble tots? at least then it is a limited number of mums/toddlers that you see every week

i think it gets easier when they are bit older as they start to go to parties and every day to preschool - he will get loads of social interaction then

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 03/03/2008 13:20

I always think meeting new mummy friends is a bit like dating.
You have to pluck up the courage to speak to them first, then there is the stress over whether it's appropriate to ask for their number, then when to call etc.

Then the stress over whether you will get along (and if the children will get along). Then how often to arrange to meet again.

It's hard but just try to be brave and get chatting to mums of the children your DS comes across in the park etc?

fryalot · 03/03/2008 13:34

you're so right, TDWP - perhaps even harder!

Ime, Tumble Tots is no good for making friends - acquaintances yes, but friends - no. It is too structured, so you don't have time to actually chat to the other mums more than a quick hello here and there.

But my littlies loved it, so it's definitely worth looking into.

luciemule · 03/03/2008 13:42

Take a break magazine have started a 'chums4mums' thing so you see who's about to meet up with in your area. It's on their website for more info.
I think it's always easier to join something where you're actually doing an activity with your toddler so that you aren't just sat with a group of potentially unfriendly people.

What about swimming, Toddler gymnastics, music with mummy type group etc. That way, there's something to do and then conversations will naturally start too without the pressure of a toddler group situation.

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 14:31

We did do swimming, it was great but no one really got together afterwards and it seemed a bit odd to suggest it - maybe we should try again. With the other structured things (music etc) I have found that two or three mums will join together and go off to each other's houses afterwards or whatever. We still go to the groups and ds loves it but we are always heading off on our own afterwards (sniff).

NCT seems far more geared to small babies so not really suitable for ds, only his sister. It's so much easier to meet people when you have a new baby rather than a toddler!

There are no coffee shops or whatever where I live so it does tend to be round each other's houses rather than out for a coffee. It feels much easier to say 'do you want to grab a coffee' than 'do you want to come to my house' - and I have tried once or twice!

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Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 14:32

TDWP - yes it does feel like dating. This is why I wasn't a fan of dating.

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kathryn77 · 03/03/2008 14:39

sorry to suggest another websie but there is a meet a mum posting on netmums.co.uk

i met a few good friends from here.

kathryn77 · 03/03/2008 14:42

what about soft play s too?

MrsTittleMouse · 03/03/2008 14:49

I have friends in real-life who are members of NCT and they have children who are older than yours. Might be worth making enquires in your area to see if it's an area-specific thing, but they always seem to be off on country walks and coffee mornings with older toddlers.
(sadly I don't live near them any more though - sigh)

Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/03/2008 14:52

I always thought it was like dating too- I used to go out, determined to make friends! DH used to ask me when he came in "So, did you manage to make a friend today?" How sad Then you meet someone, but next time you meet up you don'y quite 'click' and then you have the whole embarassing "shall-we-do-this-again?" thing! AAArgh! Keep at it, though!! I finally ended up with a lovely group I met at a post-natal exercise class. Agree it is harder when they are a bit older. Could you throw a party (birthday/ easter egg hunt??) and invite his nursery friends (and mums!). I bet there will be at least one other mother not in a clique!! And not all cliques are resistant to new members! Our group dynamic has varied hugely since the lo's were babies- new people coming and going all the time. Good luck!

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 15:02

Oh god - birthdays fill me with fear for this very reason! I am not even sure how to approach his, which is in May. Was going to go for a scatter gun approach but I do find the very idea scary.

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luciemule · 03/03/2008 15:14

How about getting yourself onto a preschool committee? They're always good for joining in things and people are generally appreciate of any help you can give. Does your DS go to one?

That way, you can always offer to have a meeting at yours and link up with people that way to start with.

Original poster

lacarte · 03/03/2008 15:39

going back to work soon so don't want to over-commit to committees and things (they'd only think I was flaky and not want to be my friends all over again!).

I will try the NCT again though

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