Impossible to find mum friends?

[Tina8800]

Is it just me, or are other mothers also struggling? I have a 19-month-old daughter, and we have been attending baby/toddler groups three times a week since she was 3 months old.

I was hoping to make mom friends because I find motherhood very lonely. My husband and I are both from different countries, so our families are far away, just like our childhood and best friends. I came to the UK to pursue my master's degree and ended up staying for a PhD, and now I have a job here. I am very open, social, and eager to go out with friends. However, my friends here either don't have kids or are unable to have them, which makes it difficult for us to connect when my daughter is around.

I tried using Peanut, but it seems like everyone wants to message, and no one is really keen on personal meetups. I constantly FaceTime and text with my family and friends who live far away, so I don't want more long-distance relationships over the phone.

I've met some very nice women at the playgroups and invited them for walks, coffee, or even cocktails for a night out without the kids (my husband is more than happy to look after our daughter while I'm out). They all initially agree, but when the time comes, they often cancel or simply ignore my messages.
Finding mom friends at nursery also doesn't work because I only see other parents in the queue while we drop off the children.

I guess I am just struggling to understand. Are other mothers not craving socializing, or do they all have their own groups, families, and no time or desire for anyone new?

Are you in England?it's practically impossible to break into friendship groups, or make new friends. English people are quite closed off.

Sorry

I was going to suggest peanut, but it's pretty much trial and error. I've managed to make a couple of nice friends there.
You could also ask your health visitor to put you in touch with mums in the same position.
Where are you based in the UK?

And to answer your question about mums and socialising, I think it depends on everyone's circumstances. Those living with family nearby and those who've had social circles before having a baby probably have their social life already sorted. However I can assure you there are mums out there feeling isolated and looking for friendships. I was one of them:)

I found it hard too, I don’t live in the area I grew up, so don’t have local family or childhood friends.
To reassure you though - DD is at school and now I have mum friends and acquaintances who we sometimes do kid stuff with and a few times the mums have been out together.

Op i can relate to your post and I also tried peanut but no success!

I'm in a very simialr situation but further along the child journey. I think it depends where you live- a big city with a lot of 'expats' is usually far easier to make friends as most people are in similar situations.
On smaller cities and towns I would say it's really quite difficult but 6 years on from having my DC I have finally made a couple of friends who have children and we get on. I wouldn't give up but equally try and accept that fact that making friends later in life is much harder than when you're at school/uni. I think you're doing the right things and I'd say don't stop trying. If you were around me, I know I'd be happy to meet up! Definitely try and seek out people that aren't local to the area you're in

Can you try different groups in slightly different areas?

Where are you based in the UK OP? My daughter is a similar age and I've found it hard too. I made really good friends through doing NCT, but since my child started nursery and I've gone back to work it's been harder to meet people. I'd like to make more Mum friends and hoped I'd be able to do that through meeting other Mums at her nursery, but ours is mainly attended by working parents so it's rare anyone has time to chat.

Do they have to be “mum” friends? If your husband is willing to babysit why not go out to evening events/book clubs/clubs. Might be more likely to meet other like minded people.

I personally found the first year the easiest to make mum friends, the second year most first time mums are back at work and the sahm often have older children and already established friendship groups. School is the next easiest time to make mum friends.

It is hard isn’t it? I remember feeling really isolated and lonely despite being surrounded by “yummy mummies” in my part of London. I would sit alone at toddler groups while these big gangs of women would socialise. The only thing I can say is early years at primary school it does better. You meet people through your children’s friendships and can get involved in PTA activities etc.

stick with it though - I did the same re: inviting random women for coffee who I met at groups etc and eventually you will find one (like others have said) who are also lonely and looking for a friend and who are actually nice 😊

Could you try to meet up with mums from the country you are from? Any local groups foe people from where you are from? The shared connection might help you bond better.

I think it’s a tricky time as some mums will be getting their head back to returning to work or just not back in the swing of going out in the evenings due to tiredness etc. I made a couple of friends at NCT but none really at baby groups. Once my DD started at nursery and then school things took a complete turn. I would echo a PP though and ask why you need them to be “mum” friends - I have mum and non - mum friends ( some much younger than me). I have gone classes and hobby groups and met a variety of people… what kinds of interests do you have ( I started a bookclub because it could happen at home if need be)

Oh I lie…. I met one friend at a buggy fit class.

I am so sorry OP I have the same experience. I am a foreigner in England and have tried playgroups, toddler groups, peanut, school mums and finding it impossible too. Maybe I don’t understand the social cues? I just don’t know anymore.

I had the same problem. Lots of lovely mums to say hello to from classes but not one materialised into anything more. Funny thing is, five years on I still see them around town, in the playground and so on, but that's it.

Having something in common always helps but sadly having kids of the same age isn't necessarily a great tee up. That said, two things I would do:

1. Set up a WhatsApp group for nursery. If you have to, print off slips with your number and ask nursery to put them in bags. You've nothing to lose, and even if friendships don't come of it, at least you can track down clothing that goes awol.

1. Set up a group based on an inertest, a book club, running, wine tasting whatever. Use social media in your local area to publicise it and don't bottle out even if you only get one other person. It will grow. And having that common interest will give a good talking point.

I'm English and sadly also had this experience as a single parent trying to make mum friends even when my kids were a bit older. It was super difficult because the times that I met an adult I liked it turned out their kid was a nightmare to my kid (e.g. hitting them etc) or the kids got on but the parents were not nice or just not interested in meeting up. It really is strange and I think it's a lot to do with our culture being closed off as I have pondered on it for many years as my child grows up. In the end I've just given up and focussed on work and my very small family but I am still sad about it.

I think my latest take on it is I am going to try to join lots of different groups and go repeatedly as it's repeated exposure that seems to generate friendships. Going to lots of events will also widen your net a bit so you're less overfocussed on one person or event. Trying to detach from outcomes too and just go for the fun of it. IMO English people are VERY slow to open up so you need some kind of event where you will see them regularly for a good few months. It's not ideal though especially for a friendly and social person to have to go through it.

I found my closest mum friends in a closed group class ie it was the same group of us together for the whole 16 week course. It really gave us chance to get to know each other better and we formed a much stronger bond than in normal classes where the attendees vary more week to week. This class was specially for younger babies, but it might be worth seeing if there is a similar one for toddler-age kids in your area.

I think that not everyone does crave having mum friends, especially if they're not particularly sociable and have other commitments like work or older dc. I'm a sahm and I take my 16mo to classes every day, but for me it's an activity for her to enjoy, and I want to spend that time interacting with her, not chatting with other mums. Then the rest of the day is busy with errands and chores and I have to get back to do the school run for older kids so not much time for coffee meetups.

I don't do evenings out because DH and I like settling the dc into bed (one dc each, it's hard work doing both dc) and then I have more house/admin to do. Weekends are spent as a family as DH works Mon-Fri, we don't really want other kids and parents joining us as it's just easier to organise activities on our own terms. I don't socialise much except a bit of small talk at groups or the school run, but I don't feel lonely. I only really chat with DH and I don't need any more than that. We're in London and I do see lots of mum friends groups around, so obviously it does happen, but for some mums it's just not necessary.

I've found it really hard too! I've made a few mum friends but it's been hard going and I've had to really push myself, especially since moving areas and having to start over again with it! I find the mum and baby groups pretty excruciating but I've had more success with the Peanut app - have found most people really flakey on there as well though!

I can't shed any light on it unfortunately.
But I know what you mean. I've never understood it really. To me I don't think people do want to make friends and yet you read about so many people being lonely or just who would apparently want to meet new people. Yet I haven't found them in real life.
I don't know if they're not bothered, or what.
I really felt like I put myself out there when she was really little, certainly more than before, but it didn't really get me very far

I moved to a new town when DS was 6 months old. Didn't know anyone. I've made friends through a monthly book group of local women, who are all mums but older. They remember how it is though so we talk about being a mum a lot. I also go to classes in the evening so meeting people through that.

What are your neighbours like? Any young families there? We've become friends with ours and exchanged numbers etc. Is that an option?

I'm not English but live in England and have found people very friendly to be honest. Neighbours coming to introduce themselves, inviting us to bbqs etc. There's also lots of Europeans living here and we all seem to get on well in baby classes etc so I don't think it's specific to a particular group of people (I think it's quite offensive some people have suggested that to be honest).

I had the same issue and met loads of mums on peanut but none seriously wanted to meet. A few years later a mum I met on peanut randomly sent me a WhatsApp message and we've done a few play dates with the kids, which is nice. It's very difficult to find mum friends, especially if you have kids later on, when your friends are already expecting grand children. You could try bumble as the have a BFF section and a business links part, which is quite good.

I found that I was more likely to meet like minded people who wanted to be friendly at council run things e.g. local library story and rhyme time NGL run but eh he Sure Start (now gone sadly, I think).
At church hall playgroups, it would be cliques sitting round the edge while lots of babies and toddlers sat playing in the middle.

Not sure what I meant by ‘NGL run but eh he’. Ignore that bit!