Impossible to find mum friends?

[Tina8800]

Is it just me, or are other mothers also struggling? I have a 19-month-old daughter, and we have been attending baby/toddler groups three times a week since she was 3 months old.

I was hoping to make mom friends because I find motherhood very lonely. My husband and I are both from different countries, so our families are far away, just like our childhood and best friends. I came to the UK to pursue my master's degree and ended up staying for a PhD, and now I have a job here. I am very open, social, and eager to go out with friends. However, my friends here either don't have kids or are unable to have them, which makes it difficult for us to connect when my daughter is around.

I tried using Peanut, but it seems like everyone wants to message, and no one is really keen on personal meetups. I constantly FaceTime and text with my family and friends who live far away, so I don't want more long-distance relationships over the phone.

I've met some very nice women at the playgroups and invited them for walks, coffee, or even cocktails for a night out without the kids (my husband is more than happy to look after our daughter while I'm out). They all initially agree, but when the time comes, they often cancel or simply ignore my messages.
Finding mom friends at nursery also doesn't work because I only see other parents in the queue while we drop off the children.

I guess I am just struggling to understand. Are other mothers not craving socializing, or do they all have their own groups, families, and no time or desire for anyone new?

I don’t get it either OP. My DS is nearly 10 and I’ve given up on making friends from the school gate- they all seem to have friendship circles already.
We did NCT to make friends. Great for 2 years, then most people moved to a nicer area.
I’ve tried Bumble. Chatted to a few women for a bit, then they cancel an arranged meet up and disappear.
Fuck knows what the answer is.

I tried really hard too and eventually pretty much gave up! I wish it had been different but that’s how it went in the end. I got a lot of my info from mumsnet!!!! X

That is seen as very rude here. You sound like a generous and kind host. We invite people a few times, if it’s not reciprocated we stop. Mostly it is, and out friends host lovely things too.

Honestly I have found the opposite. I had a little girl in 2019 so she wasn’t quite a year old when lockdown happened. I hadn’t really attended any baby groups as had an older child that I was busy with and figured I would start socialising with the little one when she was old enough to go to toddler groups. Then Covid happened and everything shut down, but despite this I have made some lovely new friends with toddlers as I found people were desperate for social interaction throughout and coming out of covid. We made a lovely friend at the play park, and some at mini athletics which was one of the few activities to run due to covid as it was out in a field. Then at preschool there were a lovely bunch of mums, and at Church. I socialise with them now outside of child caring hours sometimes too. It’s worth remembering though that people have busy lives and it’s not always easy to get people out in the evening it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to. I think cost is a factor too. As someone else suggested maybe suggest a monthly bookclub, gives everyone a common topic for conversation and is an inexpensive way of socialising as you can each take turns to host. When your LO starts school you can also volunteer to help the PTA. A lot of chatting and wine drinking happens behind the scenes whilst planning school events!. Honestly keep trying, and go to lots of different places as well. You will find like minded people I’m sure.

I personally find some places more open than others and there is generally a bit of a tightrope to walk in terms of not coming across too desperate. Also finding more mature/international/non-local/worldly people who will be less flakey and more enthusiastic about properly connecting. It’s hard! Are there no opportunities to socialise through the school? I think it’s going to take me years to find people I consider actual friends where I live now and it’s a friendly place. its a slow burn even with the women with potential as everyone is just so busy! Good luck OP, don’t be disheartened, you sound lovely. Whereabouts are you?!

It's not just you. A lot of people are happy with one or two established friends (or a small established group) and aren't interested in getting to know anyone else. Also it is a bit "luck of the draw".

When I had my first I had no car (I could drive but my car was stolen and written off just before maternity leave and I could afford to replace it). So I could only go to a couple of walkable baby groups, but I did manage to make enduring friends at both. One of the friends is godmother to my second! But when he went to school, made absolutely zero friends though I tried to be open and friendly.

Second baby - went to loads of baby groups and activities but made zero new friends. People were nice enough but clearly not interested in meeting/chatting outside the group. A lot seemed to turn up in pairs and mostly talked to each other. A few of us added each other on FB so we could meet up after going back to work. Despite efforts there was only one meet up and most of them have deleted me now.

Conversely when youngest went to school (the same school) the parents in the playground were SO friendly and welcoming and I have made new friends although I'd assumed I wouldn't!

I feel your pain. I have a 14yo, 12yo and now a 15mo. I once had a mum friend when 14yo was in playgroup/reception but then randomly she ghosted me after she found a boyfriend and never spoke to me again. I always found as I young mum with the other two (19yo having the 14yo) all the other mums were older and didn’t have time to talk to me only mums their own age. I’ve over time realised that they weren’t worth my time or effort. I am dreading doing it all again with the baby, luckily I work full time now so I won’t be doing drop off or pick up when he gets to that age but I couldn’t give a hoot anymore.

If you enjoy exercising look up ‘sweaty mamas uk’. They are ladies running franchises across the country so you might find one near you. They run exercise classes that you can take your baby/toddler to. Because it’s the same group of women each week you tend to chat naturally and become friends over time. My local one has a cafe next door so often mums go there together after class too.

I feel you - I'm also European and find it hard to find friends here (Birmingham). I have two small children and I will have another baby in December.

Maybe we don't try hard enough, maybe it's a question of trying over and over again until we find someone.

It would be nice to have one or two close friends.

It really is pot luck!

With DC1 I went to baby massage. The other mums were nice enough but once the course finished, nobody kept in touch. Went to a few baby groups but didn’t manage to make any mum friends.

When he went to school, however, I made lots of friends with the mums and dads and some of us still socialise even though our boys are now away at university!

DC2 I also went to baby groups but this time made friends who I still meet up with! The school mums were lovely in her class too.

Don’t give up, OP

I think you will need to seek out other 'outsiders' and that is what you will have in common to make friends. English people are notorious for not being able to speak to strangers without dogs or alcohol being involved. I think your kids will be fine making friends through school. Maybe you need to try and work/network in hospitals and universities where the people who work there are a little more international than your average Newcastle citizen.

Don't give up, it takes time to find your people. It took me to school age to properly make friends. I made some good friends at exercise classes if that's an option.

If you have a library nearby they should have bookgroups to join.

I find it strange to label all English people with a blanket “they do not host like this”. I’m English and so is my partner and we host gatherings and parties often, so do a lot of my English friends.
I’m sorry you’re having this experience OP - perhaps you could post on a local Facebook group as others have suggested (have seen this a lot on my local on) and persevere with the baby classes - I’m sure you will eventually find some similar people who are looking for friends. Also Peanut app was useful for me.

I think it depends on where you are in England. Some areas are full of people that have moved there for work and don’t have family / old friends already. Such as the outer areas surrounding London (Surrey, Hants, Berks) and people are looking for connections. Other places people haven’t left their home towns and it’s more cliquey.

i struggled with this with my first child and so with my second I threw myself into everything I could and I made some mum friends that way. I volunteered at the local toddler group so it was my job to make new mums feel welcome and I made connections this way. I also made a point of finding out who they’re playing with at nursery and leaving a note for that parents asking to have a play date.

I never made friends through groups though.

That’s rubbish about invitations not being reciprocated. I live in the uk but am not from the uk. I have lived in the us and people were really friendly and welcoming. There is def a standoffish ness with brits. I would, when your child goes to school, volunteer to be a class rep. You then meet everyone. Until then, if you aren’t from the uk, are there any local meet ups for people from where you are from.

I just find it’s generally sooo much harder to make friends as an adult - regardless of where you are from. At school/college/uni you are just chucked together and friendships seem to form very easily.

As an adult in a new area people already have established friendship groups and are often oblivious to the outsider.

I’ve struggled having moved areas a few times and it always feels like “starting again” trying to find new local friends. I have a few friends dotted around different areas of the country but it’s not quite the same as being able to pop round a local friends house for a cuppa or an evening having a glass or 2 of wine. As more of an introvert it can be trickier as I just don’t feel comfortable going up to a group of people or pushing for conversations- it just doesn’t feel natural.

I think you’re doing the right thing - you just need to keep going! I’m sure you’re a lovely person who will find your local people! I’m still looking for mine!

Could you try a hobby as a way to meet people or see if there are any local meet up groups in your area. I've recently joined a book club and a meet up group. (Haven't been yet though)

I have met lots of mum friends. I say this not to be smug but to maybe add some balance as almost all the replies were saying it was difficult/ impossible. And I feel it might be a bit depressing to ftms. I do however think there’s a moment when you first have a baby when women in a similar position are all keen to make friends for mat leave. I found most of my friends at a new mums group. I also found people on peanut. I think if you miss that moment it could be harder. But if you live somewhere with lots of groups or activities maybe find one that reflects you a bit more and you might find mums that are a bit more like you. Or I also second, just doing general things to meet people and don’t worry about the mum part.

Peanut worked really well for me when pregnant and for the first 9 months of so after my son was born but once people start going back to work after maternity leave the playdates and coffee mornings really die off, everyone is busy with family life at the weekends. I work too but because I'm doing long nursing shifts I get a lot of weekdays off, it's really only a couple SAHM's who I still see somewhat regularly.