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Original poster

How do you navigate school events and involvement with abusive ex partner?

57 replies

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 13:24

My daughter is due to start reception year next year. Her father only currently has supervised contact. I'm not really too sure what will happen in the future because of domestic abuse being made fact during proceedings..however at an earlier directions hearing I was forced to disclose the name of our daughters school to him.

I'm just trying to prepare myself for his presence at school events in the future.

Parents evening will be fine as we'll do those separately.

But things like assemblies and plays etc, how on earth do you navigate those when your ex is abusive and you are NC with him.

I'm thinking about DD and her reaction to not seeing us stand together and knowing we're both there and not being sure who to go to first.. I don't ever want her to feel bad but I also know I cannot bear to be near him. I took out a non molestation order on him when I left him which has since expired.

She lives with me full time but she does enjoy her supervised contact and seeing him..

Any tips on how to navigate would be really welcome.

Whatever the court outcome. I have made it explicable clear i won't have anything to do with him, or speak to him or do future handovers with him.

He caused me so much suffering I'm now in therapy

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Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 13:27

Next week* not next year

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Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 13:28

Explicitly* sorry for typos

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BananaSlug · 01/09/2023 13:32

Not been in this situation as my ex has never been to the children’s school but I think you may be worrying a bit too much, the only assembly I was invited to was the leavers one so a long way off, plays sometimes they do 2 so could go to the other one, not standing together well her parents are separated she will have to get use to not seeing you stand together and as for who she goes to first they don’t usually allow that, well they don’t in my school anyway parents say bye and children remained seated after a play, then they are taken back to class and parents leave.

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 13:36

It's just a matter of being civil to each other and putting on a United front for a few hours periodically. You've got years of this ahead with assemblies, weddings etc etc so might as well start as you mean to go on.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 13:46

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 13:36

It's just a matter of being civil to each other and putting on a United front for a few hours periodically. You've got years of this ahead with assemblies, weddings etc etc so might as well start as you mean to go on.

That's not an option sadly for someone who punched me in the face and split my lip and also strangled my daughter as an infant, hence asking for constructive advice on how to navigate whilst not having to see or speak to him directly.

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tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 13:58

Ok well the only other option is to ignore him.

I'm shocked he tried to strangle your dd. Maybe he won't ever get unsupervised contact due to this.

BudgetBuster · 01/09/2023 15:08

You don't need to stand near him at all. I've never been to a school play etc where the kids are allowed time to interact with their parents anyway. Normally they come in do the play, bow, round of applause and they go back to their classrooms. I would suggest you ensure the school has a copy of the order so they know he cannot sign her out.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 15:10

We have an interim order atm where he still has supervised but I'm to provide name of school to him and school with his details. Within the order it states he won't turn up at school unless invited.
I'm fairly sure he won't be having overnight contact any time soon but I'm just preparing myself for him coming to school events etc... I know he will try to taunt me. He is evil. But I don't want my daughter to be subject to any animosity at her school.

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BudgetBuster · 01/09/2023 15:14

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 15:10

We have an interim order atm where he still has supervised but I'm to provide name of school to him and school with his details. Within the order it states he won't turn up at school unless invited.
I'm fairly sure he won't be having overnight contact any time soon but I'm just preparing myself for him coming to school events etc... I know he will try to taunt me. He is evil. But I don't want my daughter to be subject to any animosity at her school.

There doesn't have to be animosity. You pick one side of the room, he stays at another. If he moves closer you move away. He's unlikely to cause a scene with every other parent around also. But please make sure the school has a copy of your order on file.

BananaSlug · 01/09/2023 15:18

It depends on the school but it would be very easy to avoid someone at my kids school but it’s a large school and the hall usually has rows of chairs on one side and then a row on the other so you would just sit on the opposite side, he’s not going to kick off at the school is he because you would have loads of witnesses.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 15:22

I know. He would be stupid to.
I think I just have to act like he's not there. Find a coping technique to not let his presence taunt me.

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Invisimamma · 01/09/2023 15:23

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 13:36

It's just a matter of being civil to each other and putting on a United front for a few hours periodically. You've got years of this ahead with assemblies, weddings etc etc so might as well start as you mean to go on.

This man is an abuser. How can you expect someone to be civil to the person who has put them through emotional and financial hell. This isnt about an amicable split and putting a brave face on it for the children, it's traumatic to be faced with your abuser.

Op, give the school an copy of the order, make sure they know about the DA and hope that they don't invite him to anything. Explain to your daughter that you don't speak to her daddy but you will be there to see her.

areyouhavinglaugh · 01/09/2023 15:30

If he's not allowed unless invited, how would it work in reality?

Don't put him on the WhatsApp group.
And can you ask the school not to add him to the email list of events?

All schools are used to dealing with this sort of thing. I'm not sure exactly why he would need to know events unless he is allowed to go to them?

Just talk to the teacher or the head and explain the details to them. They will do what they can to support you. Within the rules that are set out in courts.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 16:11

I don't really know how it's going to work. He is likely to still have supervised contact for at least another year whilst we wait for a final hearing....

But at the last hearing his side said about his parental responsibility and knowing location of the school. The judge who wasn't familiar with the case just said he might want to go for school plays etc..

I am going to ask for a meeting with the head, she is great and I spoke to her about the situation at the open event for the school. Once my daughter got a place there she rung me to talk things through.

Can I feasibly ask for him not to be added to the WhatsApp group though?

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ginandtonicwithlimes · 01/09/2023 16:18

Main events are nativity play and sports day. A bit controversial but if she doesn't see him much do you have to tell him about the dates of these things? Just go by yourself? He has sort of forfeited the right to go to these things by his abusive ways. Most only expect one parent to attend or even just grandparents. Some have none to watch.

JohnNolan · 01/09/2023 16:31

At my DCs school the WhatsApp group is set up & managed by one or two parents from that year. Just don't get him added - he won't know about it as its not a school managed communication method, more for patents to ask when pe day is this week, what time pick up is after the hw school trip etc. Its nothing official so don't worry about that.

Make sure the school have a copy of any court orders and ask that you are not put in any contact with him. For the Xmas play, DCs school did 6 showings (each class did it 3 times) so in your case they would have made sure that if came he wasn't in the showing with you.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 16:33

I know.. but its parental rights isn't it. I might ask if the school can do parents evening via zoom with him and make it clear I'm the primary parent which all contact should go through. Legally. There is nothing else I can do

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Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 18:12

The whole thing makes me so worried.. I know it's a while off. But he's managed to manipulate cafcass who are very much behind him

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BudgetBuster · 01/09/2023 18:23

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 18:12

The whole thing makes me so worried.. I know it's a while off. But he's managed to manipulate cafcass who are very much behind him

My DH and his ex have always done seperate parent teacher meetings. It's never an issue. Schools are becoming more and more aware of issues and are better able to handle these things now.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 22:56

I suppose it'll just naturally work itself out..

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Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 16:45

Interested to hear from people who currently have zero contact with their exes etc.

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handmademitlove · 02/09/2023 16:56

There are circumstances where if one parent has a non-mol against the other and a court order states supervised contact only the school may support you in ensuring you are not in the same place at the same time.
You do not have to tell him about any school event. He is entitled to information and school can send it direct. They will have procedures for this.

If you have a court order you need to share it with school.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 16:59

I did have a non mol but its expired now. The court have put in the recitals that I'm to provide his details to the school but I won't be doing that. He's free to make contact with them once he has the school name. I don't need to facilitate anything for him.

The court order states he is not to turn up at the school unless invited..

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handmademitlove · 02/09/2023 17:04

Invited by whom though? There will be plenty of events where parents get a general invite.
It depends upon the wording of the court order. I have seen orders where the only times the non resident parent is allowed to see the children are specified and they are not allowed near at other times. This would cover school events..

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 17:25

Yes. I think it will be things like sports day and school plays. There's no actual reason I should see him at the school because I do all the pick ups etc.

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