Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

How do you navigate school events and involvement with abusive ex partner?

57 replies

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 13:24

My daughter is due to start reception year next year. Her father only currently has supervised contact. I'm not really too sure what will happen in the future because of domestic abuse being made fact during proceedings..however at an earlier directions hearing I was forced to disclose the name of our daughters school to him.

I'm just trying to prepare myself for his presence at school events in the future.

Parents evening will be fine as we'll do those separately.

But things like assemblies and plays etc, how on earth do you navigate those when your ex is abusive and you are NC with him.

I'm thinking about DD and her reaction to not seeing us stand together and knowing we're both there and not being sure who to go to first.. I don't ever want her to feel bad but I also know I cannot bear to be near him. I took out a non molestation order on him when I left him which has since expired.

She lives with me full time but she does enjoy her supervised contact and seeing him..

Any tips on how to navigate would be really welcome.

Whatever the court outcome. I have made it explicable clear i won't have anything to do with him, or speak to him or do future handovers with him.

He caused me so much suffering I'm now in therapy

OP posts:
MonikerBing · 02/09/2023 17:40

I've never done parent's evenings with my ex, always sit apart from him at events, assemblies etc (if he bothers going), he isn't on the what's app groups.

Usually for concerts and plays there are 2 showings. We have split things like the summer fair before so we do half each, and I let him go to sports day as I dislike it!

Where there's only one showing for an event, assembly etc, I just sit apart from him (I often arrive late so I can choose where to sit or just stand at the back). You'll make friends with the other parents and they will provide you with strength and support. Several years later it still causes me huge anxiety to be near him (although he wasn't hugely violent with me) and he has continued the control after divorce as much as he can. These events aren't easy, but I've got through them.

SocialLite · 02/09/2023 17:46

There's no such thing as parental rights, it's parental responsibility. The rights belong to the child.

You should provide his details to school so the can send reports etc, but make them aware he has supervised contact ONLY and show them the order- they will protect that.

Redruby2020 · 02/09/2023 18:18

tescocreditcard · 01/09/2023 13:36

It's just a matter of being civil to each other and putting on a United front for a few hours periodically. You've got years of this ahead with assemblies, weddings etc etc so might as well start as you mean to go on.

What a ridiculous answer!

Reugny · 02/09/2023 18:39

Redruby2020 · 02/09/2023 18:18

What a ridiculous answer!

Show quote history

Not really.

There are separated parents like mine who managed to do that. (And a few other peoples I know.)

However my DP and ex are not that type so the schools just ensure they didn't go to events at the same time. In the case of my DP due to his working pattern he went to most of the primary school assemblies parents were invited to. They did two performances of any nativity play so they were invited to different ones. With things like fayres and sports days whoever has the DC in their time goes. There has been a couple of incidents where DC had to be handed over to one another, and as there was no one else around I did the handover. The school kept me separate from DP's ex as there were two entrances.

I should add in my parents case their was violence in their relationship, and in my DP and his ex none. However his ex was and is extremely abusive plus tries to be controlling. (And my DP isn't the one who said it, she has repeatedly shown her behaviour for what it is herself.)

The OP just needs to tell the school he is the latter type.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 18:49

MonikerBing · 02/09/2023 17:40

I've never done parent's evenings with my ex, always sit apart from him at events, assemblies etc (if he bothers going), he isn't on the what's app groups.

Usually for concerts and plays there are 2 showings. We have split things like the summer fair before so we do half each, and I let him go to sports day as I dislike it!

Where there's only one showing for an event, assembly etc, I just sit apart from him (I often arrive late so I can choose where to sit or just stand at the back). You'll make friends with the other parents and they will provide you with strength and support. Several years later it still causes me huge anxiety to be near him (although he wasn't hugely violent with me) and he has continued the control after divorce as much as he can. These events aren't easy, but I've got through them.

This is probably what I needed to read.
My ex is all kinds of abusive but it's the really insidious mental torture I just can't ever forget. He broke me. And watching and hearing him get everything he wants in court so far and play the victim is just more than I can handle..

I don't want a single thing to do with him and I will grey rock him until the cows come home. All i care about is DD being happy and devoid of negativity at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 18:50

SocialLite · 02/09/2023 17:46

There's no such thing as parental rights, it's parental responsibility. The rights belong to the child.

You should provide his details to school so the can send reports etc, but make them aware he has supervised contact ONLY and show them the order- they will protect that.

If he wants to get in touch with the school he's free to do so. I won't be providing his details.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 18:51

Reugny · 02/09/2023 18:39

Not really.

There are separated parents like mine who managed to do that. (And a few other peoples I know.)

However my DP and ex are not that type so the schools just ensure they didn't go to events at the same time. In the case of my DP due to his working pattern he went to most of the primary school assemblies parents were invited to. They did two performances of any nativity play so they were invited to different ones. With things like fayres and sports days whoever has the DC in their time goes. There has been a couple of incidents where DC had to be handed over to one another, and as there was no one else around I did the handover. The school kept me separate from DP's ex as there were two entrances.

I should add in my parents case their was violence in their relationship, and in my DP and his ex none. However his ex was and is extremely abusive plus tries to be controlling. (And my DP isn't the one who said it, she has repeatedly shown her behaviour for what it is herself.)

The OP just needs to tell the school he is the latter type.

Show quote history

Unfortunately. He was also violent to both DD and me.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 02/09/2023 20:32

Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 18:50

If he wants to get in touch with the school he's free to do so. I won't be providing his details.

Show quote history

Try to be smart about this. I think you said it's in a court order for you to provide his details to the school. If it is, just give thr school an email address or number for him. Don't start by not following the court order. Why expect him to follow an order if you don't? I totally understand he's the one in the wrong etc but don't give him a reason to start being a d××kh××d anymore.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 11:31

Can't bring myself to.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2023 11:40

It's not clear to me here- does he or doesn't he have parental responsibility?

If he doesn't, you can tell the school not to communicate with him if you want.

I would sit apart from him. That's what my friend does with her dad. If your daughter asks why then say you're not married or boyfriend and girlfriend so you don't spend time with each other like mums and dads who are married do.

The only way to cope with this is to try and see him as a new person who looks like your ex rather than the same one who did all that to you when you do see hi

lapsedbookworm · 03/09/2023 11:43

Speak to the school. My children's school handle this by ensuring I can book a different performance etc. They don't want any upset for any of the children.

ExH tends not to bother with most events though (he just put on a good show of being an interested dad for cafcass/the court, so he could minimise his maintenance payments I guess)

Fantina · 03/09/2023 12:30

I find this very very difficult. My abusive ex goes to every single school event and likes to hold court at them. I work full time so I’m never at the school gates so he’s spent plenty of time during his contact time acting like a victim to all the parents.

At events, including ones during my time and if I arrive first, he has been known to choose the same row of chairs as me so now I do like a pp and arrive late and stand at the back. It’s exhausting.

And it makes me feel like the abusive one and I can’t sleep in the lead up to these events. I can’t wait for secondary when there’s likely to be fewer things like this - no need to attend sports day for example.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 13:10

Yes he had PR. I don't think he will be coming to pick up DD from the school or anything. Our interim order already states he isn't to come to the school unless otherwise invited so I presumed that was school events etc.
I think I will need to be the one that stands at the back when it comes to it. I'm terrified of when proceedings end. I really am.

OP posts:
lapsedbookworm · 03/09/2023 13:11

Fantina · 03/09/2023 12:30

I find this very very difficult. My abusive ex goes to every single school event and likes to hold court at them. I work full time so I’m never at the school gates so he’s spent plenty of time during his contact time acting like a victim to all the parents.

At events, including ones during my time and if I arrive first, he has been known to choose the same row of chairs as me so now I do like a pp and arrive late and stand at the back. It’s exhausting.

And it makes me feel like the abusive one and I can’t sleep in the lead up to these events. I can’t wait for secondary when there’s likely to be fewer things like this - no need to attend sports day for example.

Flowers

Yes when he does come my ex likes to put on a big "most lovely person ever" performance to impress everyone. Most recently I spotted him gently helping an elderly grandparent to their seat. This the same man who used to scream and yell abuse and throw things at me in front of our young son because I was very ill with hyperemesis gravidarum.

Beware the most charming man ever, he might be hiding an abusive side.

Op- if you can, get to know some of the mums at school, my mum friends all look after me if ex is around

Fantina · 03/09/2023 14:37

@lapsedbookworm that is exactly the kind of thing ExDH does. It’s sickening. But it is all an act but it takes in many many people.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 15:07

My ex has managed to charm cafcass so far too. It's horrific.

OP posts:
lapsedbookworm · 03/09/2023 16:33

Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 15:07

My ex has managed to charm cafcass so far too. It's horrific.

They seem to have very little awareness of how abusers work. They seemed more persuaded by how charming my ex was to them over a cup of tea than the pile of police reports, medical reports and disclosures from school. A mix of ignorance /naivety and some sort of agenda to push for contact with both parents at almost any cost. I am never quite sure what the balance is between the two factors.

SocialLite · 03/09/2023 17:42

@Whattodo112222 you said that the interim order said you should provide good details to the school earlier in the thread- if you don't abide by the order it might cause you problems

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 18:13

Its only a recital which as far as I'm aware isn't enforceable. I will provide his solicitor with the school details, he's free to make contact himself.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 03/09/2023 18:30

Whattodo112222 · 02/09/2023 16:45

Interested to hear from people who currently have zero contact with their exes etc.

I have zero contact with my ex and he doesn't bother to come to any school events.

I don't even think he gets a copy of the children’s school reports, because that would involve him going online and making an account and he CBA.

For the first year or so after he left he sent me snooty texts as if i was his PA, ordering me to make appointments for him at parents evening etc, I just ignored them all. He was only doing it to get a reaction.

It’s not your job to mediate or organise communication with the school eg tell him about events - he needs to set it up for himself.

As your ex has a history of DV Id have a confidential meeting with the school and let them know. They cant stop him coming to events if he wants to but they need to know if he is allowed to remove your child from school etc and who’s your emergency contact.

Esp as he has a history of violence against children . They will want to be forewarned if he’s likely to turn up at the gate and kick off.

Sadly you wont be the first mum in this situation that they have dealt with, they have policies and procedures in place.

in the unlikely event that he DOES turn up at a school event , just completely ignore him . These men love drama and the thought that they can still control us.

In primary school they can arrange for separate appointments for parents evenings at different times.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 22:17

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 03/09/2023 18:30

I have zero contact with my ex and he doesn't bother to come to any school events.

I don't even think he gets a copy of the children’s school reports, because that would involve him going online and making an account and he CBA.

For the first year or so after he left he sent me snooty texts as if i was his PA, ordering me to make appointments for him at parents evening etc, I just ignored them all. He was only doing it to get a reaction.

It’s not your job to mediate or organise communication with the school eg tell him about events - he needs to set it up for himself.

As your ex has a history of DV Id have a confidential meeting with the school and let them know. They cant stop him coming to events if he wants to but they need to know if he is allowed to remove your child from school etc and who’s your emergency contact.

Esp as he has a history of violence against children . They will want to be forewarned if he’s likely to turn up at the gate and kick off.

Sadly you wont be the first mum in this situation that they have dealt with, they have policies and procedures in place.

in the unlikely event that he DOES turn up at a school event , just completely ignore him . These men love drama and the thought that they can still control us.

In primary school they can arrange for separate appointments for parents evenings at different times.

Show quote history

Thank you, this was really helpful and reassuring to read x

OP posts:
Fantina · 04/09/2023 18:08

Also I should say that what abusers want is a reaction so try not to let him know it affects you, as it undoubtedly will.

Do you know that feeling when you are walking somewhere late at night and you become very aware of where the man behind you/across the road is? That’s how I feel when I’m in a room with my abusive ex. Hyper alert to where he is. Even though obviously he isn’t going to do me any harm in front of a room full of people. It’s just a survival instinct I think.

Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 04/09/2023 19:29

He would want nothing more than a reaction.. I can just picture it

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo112222 · 05/09/2023 14:54

Bumping xx

OP posts:
SocialLite · 05/09/2023 15:19

Whattodo112222 · 03/09/2023 18:13

Its only a recital which as far as I'm aware isn't enforceable. I will provide his solicitor with the school details, he's free to make contact himself.

I'm afraid they are enforceable. I would not risk giving him any ammunition, reasonable or otherwise.

Others are right as well by the way, you are entirely entitled to refuse to pass on information for them. Give his details and let them manage it. We for a long time had a school that refused to do this, but they have a responsibility to keep all with PR informed.

How do you navigate school events and involvement with abusive ex partner?