‘You shouldn’t have anymore kids’

[Dreamingofthree]

We have 2 and we seem to constantly get you shouldn’t have anymore.

when I was pregnant with #2 people would ask were we planning more, we weren’t sure then so basically said maybe.. met with oh no you shouldn’t have more

after the birth similar question and even dh boss said we shouldn’t have anymore

weve had it from relatively random people are baby groups and such. Things along the lines of ‘one of each must be done now’ me ‘im not sure yet, maybe, maybe not’ ‘no you should definitely stop’

then my mum today… she’s always been very vocal on how we shouldn’t even contemplate more children and now my kids are too close in age but today she practically walloped me over the head with it and went on and on

is this common? If they weren’t totally random people I’d start to get paranoid.

we are lucky to have a 6 figure income in our mid 30s (both under 35 and I’m younger than dh) and a 4 bed house with options around for bedrooms for children.

already have a large enough car. I never really moan about my kids or them being a handful and we have limited help

is this a common reaction? Or has the world teamed up to tell me I’m a shit parent

Pretty common.

I used to work with someone with three kids and he always advised everyone that two was enough. Three is a handful and more expensive so I understood what he meant.

I’ve had three, wished I’d have had more though. Much more relaxed and easy going with my third.

My number 2 turned out to be numbers 2 and 3. We get the weirdest opinions, especially as all girls, about trying for a boy! Even when I was still expecting.
DTs are nearly 1 and now I would say its quite split between "are you going to try for a boy?" and "Surely you won't have anymore now!?"
4 seems a lot by most people's standards. 1 to 3 was hard enough but 3 to 4 must be a game changer!?

It's common. I never understood why.
Just because other people can't handle more than two, it doesn't mean they should tell you.
If I could afford it and I was younger, I would have at least 5. I would love a big family.
Just ignore them!

Those comments would infuriate me OP and I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to them. I’m a mum of 3 boys and the only comments I’ve ever had that annoyed me are about whether we wanted a girl. People are incredibly rude.

Thats very wierd. It sounds like you'd have the perfect set up to have more. So I dont understand why anyone would be remotely bothered?!
I've not encountered this and I'm currently pregnant with my third which was unplanned and we are not in great circumstances tbh.. apart from we do have a 4th bedroom. My husband is over 50, therel be a big gap between the two youngest, and we do not have anywhere near the income you do... but not one single person has ever said to us 'you shouldn't have more' and everyone has been congratulatory.
So I do find this very odd.

I think it’s common, I have 4 and often get nasty comments on MN about it. 2 is seen as ideal and 3 is the maximum that’s acceptable anything after well..

Saying you’ve never had similar comments is fine.
saying “yes I think your instinct that it is something personal to you may well be the correct one”…Was the harsh bit. Maybe you didn’t intend it the way it comes across, but to me it sounds unnecessarily harsh.

Same situation as you OP (even our ages!) but never had anyone say anything like that. I’m sure many thought it though. Had a 4.5 year gap between 2&3 in the end (covid etc), no one else’s business really. Most people I know my age have 0-1 kids and I don’t go round telling them they must have kids as the birth rate is awful and the population is massively ageing 😄

I had a surprise DC3, I had the coil fitted after DC2 but it failed and I ended up with another little delight who’s now 9 months old.

My eldest is 4 and middle is 2. Because I had a boy and girl I had all the “oh you’re done now” comments but lo and behold Mother Nature had other ideas.

Im actually now debating DC4, just because I like the idea of even numbers. I hate to think one might get left out as they grow up. Although I’ve had so many “surely this is it now” comments.

Its amazing how everyone has an opinion on how many kids you have/what age you have them at.

I haven't rtft but we have two kids, one boy one girl and we are starting to get these comments now that my youngest is approaching 2. Theres 3.5 yrs between eldest and youngest. We are probably going to give TTC a third a go within the next few months and I know we are going to face so much judgement, criticism and negativity for it, which does make me anxious when I think about it. But I try not to because it's nobody else's business. I think people can often be sooo rude to people commenting on family planning, it's so personal, I would never ever say anything like that to anyone as it's totally not my business.

I wouldn't say unless asked but it's not a choice that doesn't affect other people. We are on a tiny island that can't feed itself and doesn't have enough housing. Over population and the world being on fire is really everyone's business.

On a personal level I wouldn't want to roll the dice on a 3rd if I had two healthy ones. I think people without SEN kids don't realise just how much more work it is and how much it takes away from the others.

It's a question of bandwidth. You only have so much to give. And if something goes wrong like a marriage breakdown or job loss or whatever you just have less resources to deal with it.

Any chance they're environmentalists ?

Because really none of us should be having ANY

It doesn't matter how many you have some arseholes will always have a negative take on it.

No kids (by choice) - "You wait you'll change your mind when you meet the right person"
1 child - "Oh you should have another, they'll be lonely/spoilt/sad etc, if you don't"
2 -" oh that's the perfect number, best stop now"
3 - " You'll have to have another now to even it up,"
4 " Why have so many don't you care what it's doing to the planet having so many"

And so it goes on. Ignore any and all comments about what is ultimately you and your DP/H's decision.

Honestly I think people just live to talk. And more than two makes life much harder (I’ve heard). A lot of people find two difficult! so don’t worry too much about it.
My heart would love three but my head says probably not. We’ll see.

The human race dying out won’t save the environment 😂

Exactly! I don’t tell my child free friends they are selfish because of all their luxurious activities and yet no offspring.
Just ignore everyone chatting rubbish. It’s your life and you have to make it worth it.

The world is overpopulated. It's head in the sand. People should think before reproducing to excess. Two is quite enough for anybody.

I don’t understand this argument (not saying you are wrong because you’re absolutely entitled to your own opinions)

housing is a conscious choice by the government. Food as a nation of importers we hung ourselves out to dry with brexit.

but the rolling the on if a third child will be healthy. You roll the dice in any pregnancy and the statistics are in your favour. Why is 3 different to two or even one in that regard. If a second child had sen then it’s similar. Likewise a marriage breaking down, it just seems an odd way to look at things, oh we won’t have 3 just in case we divorce. Any kids in a split is awful.

bandwidth, emotional, physical and financial i completely understand though

@Lelophants Eh? It quite literally would. Climate change is a man-made phenomenon.

@Dreamingofthree Unless we are going to build on every last field and decide to be entirely dependent on imported food then housing has limits. Exponential growth of the population is a huge problem.

Your chances of a SEN child go up with each pregnancy because of the increasing age of you and your partner. The odds are not the same for each pregnancy.

The more kids you have the more fragile your family is because you need more resources for them. If your husband disappears it's harder to find childcare, housing and school places the more children you have.

Anecdotally 3 has been the number to throw quite a few of my friends over the edge in terms of their ability to cope.

All that said no one should be voicing an opinion if they aren't asked for one.

Pretty much everyone I know says they wish they stuck at two, not that they don't love the 3rd child but you could definitely tell difference between 2 and 3 and life felt a lot harder for them

You wouldn’t believe the comments I get from strangers/friends/family now we are pregnant with no4. Really odd to me considering we both work and don’t receive financial or physical help with the kids (other than nursery, which we pay for). The comments started with DC3, and were only egged on further by the fact we already had “one of each”.

Different strokes for different Folks. I hated being an only child, and still do now that I am an adult. Would I openly comment to 1 child families I know that I think their decision to have 1 will impact their child negatively? No, because I’m not an arse and it’s not my place. Would be lovely to have the same courtesy back from people but there you go!

Honestly people can't help but spout their opinions without realising how irritating it can be. My MIL does the same to me regarding having no more (I have one child btw).
Realistically what has it got to do with anyone other than outside your household, if you have the financial means, the love and time to give crack on and get pregnant every year if you so wish haha.

There are other issues with the world which isn’t purely due to overpopulation.

Besides, what is the point of life? For many humans (like other animals) the point of life is to procreate. Simple. We have a serious issue with ageing populations in a lot of the western world and I’m sorry to tell you but everyone being forced to stop living isn’t going to make everything ok.

You don’t want kids? Good for you. What do you actually do in your life and want from your life?