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Original poster

‘You shouldn’t have anymore kids’

87 replies

Dreamingofthree · 30/08/2023 19:45

We have 2 and we seem to constantly get you shouldn’t have anymore.

when I was pregnant with #2 people would ask were we planning more, we weren’t sure then so basically said maybe.. met with oh no you shouldn’t have more

after the birth similar question and even dh boss said we shouldn’t have anymore

weve had it from relatively random people are baby groups and such. Things along the lines of ‘one of each must be done now’ me ‘im not sure yet, maybe, maybe not’ ‘no you should definitely stop’

then my mum today… she’s always been very vocal on how we shouldn’t even contemplate more children and now my kids are too close in age but today she practically walloped me over the head with it and went on and on

is this common? If they weren’t totally random people I’d start to get paranoid.

we are lucky to have a 6 figure income in our mid 30s (both under 35 and I’m younger than dh) and a 4 bed house with options around for bedrooms for children.

already have a large enough car. I never really moan about my kids or them being a handful and we have limited help

is this a common reaction? Or has the world teamed up to tell me I’m a shit parent

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MULLd · 30/08/2023 20:12

I don't think this is personal to you at all. We also have one of each and EVERYONE says ' oh you're so lucky, one of each. You can stop there '. Everyone.

It's just seen as ' complete ' when you have one of each. It's not because they think you're shit parents, in my opinion.

hoven · 30/08/2023 20:12

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 20:08

I never recommend more than 2 because I have 3 and really dislike it but I only offer that advice if someone asks.

What is it you dislike? Asking as I have been weighing up having 2 or 3

Original poster
Dreamingofthree · 30/08/2023 20:13

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 20:08

I never recommend more than 2 because I have 3 and really dislike it but I only offer that advice if someone asks.

What was it about 3?

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ViaRia01 · 30/08/2023 20:15

I have two boys and have occasionally been asked “so do you think you’ll try again for a girl?”
i have never suspected it has anything to do with me being an excellent parent and that these people assume I couldn’t handle three kids with ease.

honestly, it is just chit chat. Nothing more.

MULLd · 30/08/2023 20:15

I think people just think a third is so much harder than just staying at 2.

converseandjeans · 30/08/2023 20:16

You can't win - as soon as you get married people start asking. Took us 4 years so it was getting annoying. Then after number 1 people ask when you plan number 2. I have no idea why people comment on these things.

Well done for getting good salary & decent house. I would have liked 3 but realistically we couldn't really afford it. It sounds like you can.

kaseylou · 30/08/2023 20:22

I have 3 and have never got questions or comments about how many dc I have tbh. If my dc aren't with me most people aren't aware I have any, it just doesn't get mentioned. Generally I keep myself to myself and don't invite conversation at all eg with taxi drivers.

Ineedadrink10am · 30/08/2023 20:26

OP, people have such strong ideas. It’s ridiculous. I have 3 and everyone thought I was mad and I wouldn’t mind a 4th but people are pretty forceful in shutting that down. Apparently once you have 3 you might as well have 10 because you’ve run out of hands. It is a completely different beast but I think you get use to it. I think people thought I was mad because it was 3 under 3, which has been rough at times - none of them are independent or can self regulate. But that will change. Have the family you want to have

ShineBright1209 · 30/08/2023 20:29

I always made my intentions to family quite known that I wanted 3 or 4 children. My first was a boy and then I had a girl, the comments started coming about having one of each. My reply was always the ‘‘when I expect other people to run round after my children and look after them for me then you can have an opinion but until then I’ll decide how many I have’’. I ended up having 4 I’ve got 2 boys and 2 girls.
I don’t understand the comments made about having a 3rd being harder, once you’ve juggled 2 children any others just seem to fall into place.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 20:29

@hoven @Dreamingofthree I always wanted 3, even from a very young age, whenever I visualised my future family it was always with 3 children, I even got the ratio of sexs I wanted, boy, girl, boy.

What you don't realise when your 1st babies are young is how much more they need you as they get older. It becomes less about the physicality of keeping them safe from corners of coffee tables and pushing prams and swing but more mentally involved with a being that is always growing their independence but constantly needing imput on a more demonstrative level.
The amount of time you have for yourself demonishes, you wouldn't think so but it does because you end up having to facilitate school work and the extras that come with that like clubs, tests, parties, school discos, trips, all this admin is horrendous for one child it is just about manageable with 2... just, three and it snowballs, as soon as you drop the reigns for one thing it's like you are sinking in mud.
Forget it if they have any kind of health problem, even routine normal issues like getting braces, so many appointments, doubly hard to work around if you are employed and tiresome as a SAHM.
You are essentially a PA managing every aspect of your child's life.
2 is doable with a partner, 3 is too much, you can't split yourself evenly between them to give what they need most of the time, one always suffers or is neglected a bit and you never get to have a healthy balance.
They cost more as they get older as well btw, do not discount that.
I'm being very horribly honest, if I could rewind time I would not have a third, I love them all but I regret having 3 children.

Peony654 · 30/08/2023 20:31

It’s no one’s business but yours and DH, so weird having strangers talk about your fertility. I am one of 3, and it’s put me off having 3, but I’d never judge anyone else’s decision!

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:32

MoggyP · 30/08/2023 19:49

It's not common to say this out loud (though a lot of people do privately think more than 2 is bad for the planet) so yes I think your instinct that it is something personal to you may well be the correct one.

I really hate this type of cunty comment. Based on nothing try to make the op feel like shit.

Basically insinuating it must be something wrong wi to how op parents that make people say these comments. When in reality there is so little information you’d never know if this is the case or not.

monpetitlapin · 30/08/2023 20:33

Yes I have had this off loads of people. Many of them have 3 kids or 2 siblings.

jlpth · 30/08/2023 20:35

Have as many as you like. But I like the two hands, two kids rule personally!

Comedycook · 30/08/2023 20:35

Does your mum do much childcare for you?

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:35

I have two and don’t want anymore. However after I had 2 plenty of people said. “Oh perfect”- “family is complete now” type comments. I always originally wanted 3 but changed my mind after 2! 😂 However I still hated the comments.

Really people should just keep they comments about how many children people have/want to themselves.

ShineBright1209 · 30/08/2023 20:37

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 20:29

@hoven @Dreamingofthree I always wanted 3, even from a very young age, whenever I visualised my future family it was always with 3 children, I even got the ratio of sexs I wanted, boy, girl, boy.

What you don't realise when your 1st babies are young is how much more they need you as they get older. It becomes less about the physicality of keeping them safe from corners of coffee tables and pushing prams and swing but more mentally involved with a being that is always growing their independence but constantly needing imput on a more demonstrative level.
The amount of time you have for yourself demonishes, you wouldn't think so but it does because you end up having to facilitate school work and the extras that come with that like clubs, tests, parties, school discos, trips, all this admin is horrendous for one child it is just about manageable with 2... just, three and it snowballs, as soon as you drop the reigns for one thing it's like you are sinking in mud.
Forget it if they have any kind of health problem, even routine normal issues like getting braces, so many appointments, doubly hard to work around if you are employed and tiresome as a SAHM.
You are essentially a PA managing every aspect of your child's life.
2 is doable with a partner, 3 is too much, you can't split yourself evenly between them to give what they need most of the time, one always suffers or is neglected a bit and you never get to have a healthy balance.
They cost more as they get older as well btw, do not discount that.
I'm being very horribly honest, if I could rewind time I would not have a third, I love them all but I regret having 3 children.

Thats madness, I’ve got 4 and none of them would say they feel neglected in anyway. My boys both do football (different days and times) and one of my girls do dance. I go to every training session and match. I also manage to get them to friends parties and other social events they’re invited to.
Im also a single parent and do it all with zero help, it’s all about how you manage your life and what’s important to you.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/08/2023 20:45

I think it definitely has to do with if you have a boy and a girl, or two the same.

When my eldest was in reception, one of the other mams and I had our second children. I have two the same, she has one of each. The same people who commented ‘that’ll be you done then’ to her, asked me if I’d be trying for a third. They don’t think I’m a superior parent, they just assume that people can’t be satisfied without / should be satisfied with a boy and a girl. That’s the gold standard in their eyes.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 20:53

ShineBright1209 · 30/08/2023 20:37

Thats madness, I’ve got 4 and none of them would say they feel neglected in anyway. My boys both do football (different days and times) and one of my girls do dance. I go to every training session and match. I also manage to get them to friends parties and other social events they’re invited to.
Im also a single parent and do it all with zero help, it’s all about how you manage your life and what’s important to you.

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You are of course entitled to your own opinion, I still stand by what I said though.

HarrietJet · 30/08/2023 20:56

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 20:32

I really hate this type of cunty comment. Based on nothing try to make the op feel like shit.

Basically insinuating it must be something wrong wi to how op parents that make people say these comments. When in reality there is so little information you’d never know if this is the case or not.

Show quote history

Why is it a cunty comment? I have three and I've never had a comment like this from anybody, at any stage.

Original poster
Dreamingofthree · 30/08/2023 20:58

HarrietJet · 30/08/2023 20:56

Why is it a cunty comment? I have three and I've never had a comment like this from anybody, at any stage.

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Well it was quite incendiary especially seeing as so many other people on the thread have had v similar comments

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Original poster
Dreamingofthree · 30/08/2023 21:05

someone asked but I can’t find the comment does my mum do childcare, sometimes if she’s visiting she’ll watch them after school / nursery (funded hrs).

she’s a seen and not heard style parent and more old school finish your plate and obeying so I don’t think she appreciates the more gentle style

OP posts:
MULLd · 30/08/2023 21:09

Why is it a cunty comment? I have three and I've never had a comment like this from anybody, at any stage

It was definitely a mean spirited comment. Stop trying to hide it..

Dontknowwhyidoit · 30/08/2023 21:09

I have five children and no one ever said anything about whether I should have had any more or not. It's no one else's business. If you want another one that's your decision as you are the one responsible for them.

PassMeTheCookies · 30/08/2023 21:14

I think I've said a few times, "two is absolutely enough" but I'm only ever referring to us. I'm 7 months in with second DC and I absolutely cannot ever see myself having another, I'm bloody exhausted and skint 😂 Expensive little creatures, and sleep thieves too 😂

I'd never pass comment at anybody with more, though. In fact, I'm in awe that they are able to! Hats off to them.