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Original poster

Custody 16 month old

57 replies

Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 08:46

I am looking for some experience from anyone who has knowledge on custody arrangements for a 16 month old. Myself and my partner do not have a great relationship and looks like we will be splitting up. Nothing bad has happened and he is a fantastic father who always has our daughters best interest at heart and she has a strong attachment to him.

A typical custody arrangement of every 2nd weekend and one night a week would break his heart and I wouldn't want our DD going that long without seeing him. Can a 50/50 custody work? I want what is best for everyone but also the for my DD to still feel safe and secure.

We would need to move out our current place when we split (long story) and wonder if 2 new houses would be a lot of upheaval too for DD. But I know young children can be adaptable. Staying together isn't an option. Any advice would be grateful

OP posts:
Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:48

who is current primary carer?

and it’s not about what will “break his heart” it’s about what’s right for your baby

Sirzy · 30/08/2023 08:49

as long as you keep things amicable and are able to come up with a sensible plan no reason 50/50 can’t work, it does for many families.

sit down with him and discuss things sensibly and take it from there.

Original poster
Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 08:56

There is no primary carer. We both work full time and split everything 50/50 outside of this. And yes I want what is best for my child but I don't think I'm a bad person for considering my partners feelings too.

OP posts:

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Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:59

you aren’t the one controlling this then op. If he wants 50:50 and you currently do that - then it’s not a question of you thinking about the feelings of your partner.

mycoffeecup · 30/08/2023 09:01

If he understands all the implications of 50:50 ie it's up to him to pay for and arrange childcare for his half when he's working etc then go for it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:22

Could you cope with him coming to the house and spending an hour or two with the baby every day?

x2boys · 30/08/2023 09:24

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:22

Could you cope with him coming to the house and spending an hour or two with the baby every day?

Why should he have to do that?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/08/2023 09:35

mycoffeecup · 30/08/2023 09:01

If he understands all the implications of 50:50 ie it's up to him to pay for and arrange childcare for his half when he's working etc then go for it.

^This

If baby is sick on his days he's the one who looks after her.

He'll also be expected to pay fir half of all her clubs and activities and clothes and things like glasses, shoes, school uniform and dental treatment.

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 30/08/2023 09:38

So, nothing bad has happened, he is a fantastic dad, you sound like you like and value him enough to care about his feelings around custody. It may be controversial to say this but, with such a young child, are you absolutely sure you need to split up? Relationships need work from time to time and, unless there's about to be a leaky tap, I'm struggling to see what the issue is here?

Original poster
Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 09:41

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:22

Could you cope with him coming to the house and spending an hour or two with the baby every day?

As I said above, we both work full time. And anyway why should he just get a few hours a day? He's a fantastic father, his contact shouldn't be reduced to that.

My partner already does his fair share of sick days etc. There is no doubt of his commitment or parenting at all. The comments are helpful, I just want a schedule that is in the best of our DD and for her to feel secure and build good attachments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 09:42

And I don't want to go in the ins and outs but we are both not happy and not in love. Staying together is causing us both to be unhappy and effect my mental health completely. Staying together isn't an option and that makes me sad with a young child.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 30/08/2023 09:43

Honestly the sooner you get into the routine the better. Try to get the child excited for 2 homes, but realistically she's young enough it won't be a huge upheaval for her. You need to sit down with your partner and come up with a detailed plan. My stepson is 11 now but our schedule is Mon/Tues at mom's, Wed/Thurs at Dad's and every 2nd weekend with either parent. I think for a child your kids age, maybe every 2nd day or every 2 days exchange and then eventually work up to more traditional 50/50 splits. Does your child attend daycare? If do, I'd recommend most exchanges to happen there so as soon as she sees Daddy she knows where she's going etc. It could be conflicting for her to have both parents in a room and have to leave either one. You should also work out how you will be splitting costs (splitting childcare costs, medical, etc). We just ensure that my SS has clothes etc in each house (so we pay for ours, his mum pays for hers) but with smaller children as they outgrow things so quick it's often easier for one parent to provide a few outfits each time they have a growth spurt.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/08/2023 09:46

Stick to set days, so that both of you know what you are paying for with the childcare too. Or ask your provider if they would split the bill and invoice half each to each.

Sounds like dd is used to being cared for equally by both of you, so she would probably adapt to the new arrangement fairly easily.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/08/2023 09:47

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:22

Could you cope with him coming to the house and spending an hour or two with the baby every day?

This is what is normally suggested of absent / half arsed fathers and young babies they don't spend time with.

The OPs partner sounds like he does as much parenting as the OP and knows his dd as well as she does.

FartSock5000 · 30/08/2023 10:13

@Badseedmum 50/50 can work. Just don't let yourself be taken for a ride.

Your job matters too. My brother and his ex do Sunday to Weds morning with one parent then Weds afternoon pickup to Saturday afternoon(ish) with the other and they handover Sat eve/Sun morning depending on what they are doing.

My nieces have grown up with this strict schedule so they don't know anything else and appear well adjusted. No anxiety etc.

gogomoto · 30/08/2023 10:29

An amicable 50/50 split with both parents being a bit flexible and putting the child first can work very well... but it is down to you both, both need to be on board especially with sharing the true costs etc.

Don't worry about housing though, kids move all the time.

Laurdo · 30/08/2023 10:34

I just wanted to say, it's so refreshing to hear a mum actually consider what's best for their child and acknowledge that the dad is equally entitled to spend time with his child. It's also lovely to hear about a dad who does his share of childcare.

50/50 can absolutely work. My DSD was 2 when her parents split. They've always done 50/50. We do Sunday-Sunday, dad gets every Thursday and mum gets every Tuesday so DSD isn't going a full week not seeing one parent. It also means we can take her to a hobby consistently on a Thursday.

DSD knows nothing different and can't remember her parents being together. The rules in both house are vastly different and we parallel parent but she seems to adapt well going between houses. If you and DP can be amicable and co-parent well together it will work even better for your DD.

UncleBobsUncle · 30/08/2023 10:44

It can work well if you both put your DD first. My friend does 50/50, they do wed as the switch point so one would drop off and the other one pick up. They have their DD one week each. Works wonderfully well, their DD has a bedroom in each of their house and everything she needs in each house as well.

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 10:47

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:22

Could you cope with him coming to the house and spending an hour or two with the baby every day?

He shouldn't have to do that

Tina8800 · 30/08/2023 11:33

Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 08:56

There is no primary carer. We both work full time and split everything 50/50 outside of this. And yes I want what is best for my child but I don't think I'm a bad person for considering my partners feelings too.

It should work! You said that he is a great dad, so I think it would be beneficial to all of you.

I don't think buying two different places would be confusing; children adapt easily.
You have a lot to discuss: would you share every weekend or every other weekend? If the child is going to nursery, can both of you manage to drop them off and pick them up every day? What about the holidays? Would you consider spending any time together as a family or not at all?

It's great you consider your partner's feelings! As it should be! On Mumsnet recently everything nursing into the "abusive partner" discussion. Just ignore it.

kipperba · 30/08/2023 12:27

This is a really lovely approach to read even though I'm sorry your relationship hasn't worked out. If you're both comfortable with 50/50 then I don't think 16 months is too young.
You mentioned that you'll be moving into two new places - have you considered nesting, ie getting one 2 bed where your daughter stays, and your ex and you move between there and a 1 bed? That way she has some consistency and only one new place to get used to instead of two? It's a bit of a hassle for you both but it seems like you have her best interests at heart.
Good luck to you all.

Laurdo · 30/08/2023 12:39

kipperba · 30/08/2023 12:27

This is a really lovely approach to read even though I'm sorry your relationship hasn't worked out. If you're both comfortable with 50/50 then I don't think 16 months is too young.
You mentioned that you'll be moving into two new places - have you considered nesting, ie getting one 2 bed where your daughter stays, and your ex and you move between there and a 1 bed? That way she has some consistency and only one new place to get used to instead of two? It's a bit of a hassle for you both but it seems like you have her best interests at heart.
Good luck to you all.

I think this works well until someone gets a new partner then it can get complicated and the little girl would then need to adapt to separate houses further down the line anyway. It would perhaps work in the interim to get her used to her parents being separated and until both find their own homes.

MintJulia · 30/08/2023 12:52

Whatever you decide, you only have 3 years before your dc goes to school, so whatever you decide now, needs to be adaptable for school drop-offs and pick-ups.

Think about locations, how close to work, likelihood of still working in the same place, wrap-around care etc.

The ideal seems to be to have two homes relatively close together so your little one can go back and forth without issue. But this only works until someone wants to move for work, or meets someone new. So try for a relaxed co-parenting relationship now, based on 50:50 but expect it to change.

Original poster
Badseedmum · 30/08/2023 12:52

Thank you for all the messages. I've really appreciated people telling me their own experiences and also how it has worked for their families/relatives. There is a lot to think about. I think a full weekend would work best so we were each getting quality time. I know as she gets older, things will change and when she is at school, a new schedule might be more appropriate. I am willing to be flexible as I can be.

DD goes to a nursery 2 days a week at my partners work which he pays through salary sacrifice. The nursery is amazing and I would want to keep her there so it would just be a case of me giving him money. The other days are grandparents (both mine and his. His parents are fantastic and I am so close to them, another hard part for me). I suppose it would make sense to work our days round them too.

I have heard of nesting and I can see how it would work in some situations but a close friend did it and it created more problems than it solved so it really has put me off it!

I know it might seem crazy why I want to leave someone that is a great dad but we have tried to make it work and there is just no love there. I am genuinely miserable and know we can't continue on. Family is so important to me and I had always hoped for more than one child and to have that busy family. But it is not meant to be so the next thing I can do is try and make things as amicable as possible for DD so she has 2 happy parents who have her best interests at heart.

OP posts:
heartofglass23 · 30/08/2023 12:56

Could you Co parent under one roof if you moved somewhere bigger and had separate bedrooms/living rooms. Lived like flatmates?