Custody 16 month old

[Badseedmum]

I am looking for some experience from anyone who has knowledge on custody arrangements for a 16 month old. Myself and my partner do not have a great relationship and looks like we will be splitting up. Nothing bad has happened and he is a fantastic father who always has our daughters best interest at heart and she has a strong attachment to him.

A typical custody arrangement of every 2nd weekend and one night a week would break his heart and I wouldn't want our DD going that long without seeing him. Can a 50/50 custody work? I want what is best for everyone but also the for my DD to still feel safe and secure.

We would need to move out our current place when we split (long story) and wonder if 2 new houses would be a lot of upheaval too for DD. But I know young children can be adaptable. Staying together isn't an option. Any advice would be grateful

Thank you but no, I think if we are splitting up we need separate houses. It might work for some people but for me, I would need my own space as would he. And down the line, I would like to think we might both meet new partners!

In that case, as a PP said then you're best having her adapt to the two new homes now rather than further down the line!
The only other advice I'd give you from friends who both split with very young children is - make sure you have plenty to fill your time with when your DD is with her dad. Parenting at this age is so full on so the difference when she's not there will feel a lot stronger now than when she's older. Arrange friends coming over, nights out, house sorting, whatever it is, well in advance so you don't have a big void of time to fill.
No judgement on splitting - someone doesn't need to be a lazy abuser to leave them! My sister has stayed in a completely loveless marriage and I worry about the effect it'll have on her daughters future relationships seeing them be so cold but civil to each other.

It sounds like you have very supportive families around you.

Finally a parent who is putting their child first, and separating amicably while wanting to co-parent equally - and MN advice still comes back to "can't dad just rock up at your house for a couple of hours"?

Children are adaptable - they thrive on routine. So get your routine sorted and she'll be absolutely fine spending 50/50 with each of you.

I am glad most people found that suggestion ludicrous. I think if my DDs contact with her dad (a dad that actively enjoys spending time with her and doing bedtime/morning routines etc) was reduced to a few hours at a weekend would be the most damaging of all! While our relationship hasn't worked, I will never deny him being a good dad or his equal right to parent our DD.

Have you done the sums financially regarding how things look once you are separated. Can you afford to stay in same area or will one or both have to move. What about schools for your DC. How close you live together will have a huge impact on whether or not 50:50 is feasible or not. You don’t want a small child in a car for huge amounts of time.
Once you have your head around the money then you can go from there.

Children are more likely to thrive when the relationships they have with both parents follow a similar pattern to what happened before the separation. If you really have a 50/50 arrangement now then there is no reason a 50/50 arrangement won't work when you are separated. I'd suggest sitting down and creating a Parenting Plan together - it will let you lock down who does what in terms of your child's care.

Birds nesting is probably the best option for children but not everyone can afford a second home without selling the family home and some parents feel like their need for a full break is more of a priority. It can work with very good boundari s but would need full buy in from both parents.

You talked about potential new relationships. It is worth remembering that children fare better when there are less changes over a longer period of time. Those who experience separation, a house move and new partners/children over a shorter period of time, report more unhappiness and negative effects. And weirdly, it is worse when the father has a new partner/children quickly. So part of the parenting plan could be about how, when and if you introduce new partners to the children.

A parenting plan sounds a great idea, thank you. I can't imagine any of us would get new partners straight away, but definitely for us to consider how long etc to wait.

We are lucky in that we have a considerable savings that would allow is both to establish a new home each. The area we live in is small and we both established lives here and families so we would never be far from each other.

In the parenting plan, it's worth looking at stuff that will happen in the future and just have a chat about it, eg hobbies- if one parent wants dd to do X hobby then they fund it and sort all classes etc. You may want her to do Judo and dh might want her to do Tap (for example) and dd is young so doesn't care which she does. You sort yours and he sorts his.

Yes that is definitely worth considering thank you. I've just been down a Google rabbit hole looking at different custody schedules for age ranges and also findings of studies as well into split custody. I just want to ensure that whatever route we go down, is in her best interests. I know I can't control it all, but having done some research helps put my mind at ease a bit.

My best friend is a primary teacher and says 50/50 is the absolute worst arrangement for the child. They need a single, stable home. It's better for them to have less time with their father but to feel they have a stable base and a home of their own rather then constantly being passed back and forth.
She says it really disrupts education as every week there's time spent moving and then settling down which disrupts their focus and attention.

Or they could have less time with their mother and live more frequently at their fathers home.

I can appreciate your friend as a teacher's opinion however my DD is one and not in school and from what I have read in many sources that for the age she is at is that frequent contact with both parents is beneficial to build attachments and that long periods from either parent would not be in their best interests. There will always be pros and cons and different things work for different families but at present I believe a 50/50 or 60/40 is best for my DD.

I have full awareness that what works now at 1 years of age, will not work when they start school and that a different schedule will be more appropriate.

My friend's husband did 50/50 from before he can remember. His parents split when he was 2. Both parents lived within 10 minutes of each other. It is just how it was for him. One week at moms, one week at dads. The only life he ever knew. He has no issues with it at all as he has no recollection of his parents together or living in one house.

OP - you are right to do research. You might find that research in this is a bit contradictory. So the UK and Australian studies might show that 50/50 is not preferable, whereas Scandinavian studies show that it is. This is usually down to differences in parental leave and parenting patterns pre-separation.

Professor Jen McIntosh is an authority and lots of UK based policy is based around her work.

https://childrenbeyonddispute.com/publications/

My DSD has anything but a stable home at her mother's. Her dad and I provide a far more stable home for her. We'd prefer to have her live with us more often but her mum would never agree and things need to be really dire for a court to award full or main custody to the dad. We've spoken to lawyers and social work and the low level neglect my DSD experiences at her mum's isn't enough to justify reducing her mum's time with her.

If both parents are good and involved parents and on the same page about routines, boundaries and discipline I can't see 50/50 being an issue.

Also you tend to find whoever the NRP is (usually dad) is the fun parents and the RP who does the majority of the work ends up the bad cop. Or as the kids get older they drop weekends with the NRP and they end up hardly seeing them. 50/50 gives equal time with both parents and if both houses have everything the kids need they should feel at home on both places.

Thank you again. I don't know if I've made things worse now by doing research and my head is in a spin with all the different things I've read. I don't know whether to hold out a few months, having a young child go back and forth weighs guilty on me. If I'm honest, I'd find solo parenting for long stretches hard without a break as a lot of things I'm reading are saying for a little one to have no over night visits!

Sorry brain dump!

The younger your child is, the less likely she is to ever remember a home with 2 parents. I think if the father is a good parent, which you've acknowledged, it's disgusting of society to suggest to withhold overnights. No overnights would be understandable for a breast fed newborn.

a lot of things I'm reading are saying for a little one to have no over night visits!

A significant proportion of separated parents consist of a mum who does basically everything and a dad who is worse than useless- the contributing factor in the split.

Therefore it would be odd and unsettling for those small dc spending time away from their primary carer, with a dad who does know their routines or their preferences.

It doesn't sound like that's the case for you and your soon to be ex. It would be the same for me and my dh as it is for you - ever since I went back to work (ft shifts) after my first mat leave, he has done half the bedtimes, most of the bathtimes, was totally responsible for dc every Saturday (day and night), did half the drops and collects to childcare, and dint work school holidays so was basically a SAHD 13 weeks a year.

We would have done 50/50 from the off if we separated, as the dc were just as used to being g with him as they were me.

Thank you both. I think I went far down a google search yesterday. I still have this awful guilt of messing up my DD, of not giving her a permanent base and her not feeling settled if she goes between houses.

I will be speaking to my partner soon but want be informed as I can be myself for my own sanity.

50/50 can definitely work really well (not my own experience but my best friend's). Depending on how close you live geographically it might be something that you need to reconsider when your child starts school but you've got a few years to think about that 😊

Can you consider counselling with your partner first? Find a way to live happily together? He sounds like a decent guy, and you sound like a sensible woman! Is there room for compromise on the issues which are driving you apart?

If not then I would also warn that even the most amicable of splits rarely remain that way - especially if you're already talking about new partners etc who will influence the balance.

I just want to say OP that this is truly a refreshing thread to read. You have such a wonderful attitude and approach to parenting. It is clear that you are both putting your child first and your daughter will no doubt thrive because of that.

Your child will feel settled so long as you co-parent well. My experience is that children don't feel settled into homes when they don't feel like one of them is "home".

Parents are encouraged not to use language like "you're going to your dad's/mum's this weekend" and to use phrases like "home to dad" or "home to mum".

One of the most unsettling aspects of two homes as children get older is having to cart belongings between their two homes, so if it possible financially aim to have duplicates of most things.

Fridays after school are good handover days because most children will be wearing school uniform and their tends to be less tension around being sent back in the wrong clothes.

Try to keep big rules consistent in both homes for little ones but as children get older they are more than capable of coping with different rules in different homes. Issues with different rules only really arise when the parents cause them. So no interrogations about what time they went to bed, what they ate, did they brush their teeth etc.

OP has already said there's no love between then. That's not really something you can work on. And just because they don't hate each other doesn't mean they should try to work it out. I'm sure if that was possible OP would be doing it.

I think it's healthier for the child to witness what a loving relationship should be and her parents deserve to find someone they can share a happy, loving relationship with.

Thank you for the further posts, they have been really helpful to read and reassuring. I can appreciate people asking about relationship counselling but there is no love left, not on my part.

I should say as well I've suffered terribly from PND and PNA and I think the guilt I've had with that and how I have struggled with motherhood makes this worse too. This is not why I'm leaving my partner or why the relationship has failed, there have been problems for a number of years. I do wonder as well if split custody as well might make me a better, happier parent with regular breaks. I am not splitting up because I want away from my DD, far from it. I am just trying to find the positives with the situation.