I'm too anxious to put my 2yr old into nursery... but what to do?

[crunchymama]

I firstly would like to start by saying that I am in a fortunate position where I have been able to stay at home and not go back to work since having my daughter. She is now 2.

I randomly applied for a teacher training course, not thinking I'd get it; but I did! I was really taken back and it is something I would love to do. But my toddler has never been in childcare. She rarely spends time away from me. I reckon she's been away from me a handful of times in the two years; and the longest would be a day max; never over night. I think that was a wedding I attended.

The thought of putting her in a nursery makes me extremely anxious. I hate the thought of someone else who I don't know looking after her. What if she hurts herself, is scared or sad? I know the ratio of staff to child isn't great and the thought of her being left to cry doesn't sit well with me at all. What if they aren't kind to her? You see things on the news about these awful nursery workers etc. that terrifies me.

Also, going from being with each other 24/7 to then her being away from me five days a week for long periods of time makes me feel awful too. I feel like someone else is going to have all those lovely moments, helping her grow etc.

She is such a lovely girl, really kind natured. I worry about her picking up habits such as biting or hitting from other toddlers. I know this is something that some toddlers do as a behaviour/emotion but she's never done either. I worry that she'll change I guess.

She is well socialised as we do a few groups a week so I don't worry about that side of things too much. But I know at nursery she will learn so much also. So there are pros to the cons.

I'm meant to be there on Thursday for my induction day. Then from Monday it'll be full time. I have my mum who can help with looking after her until I can find a nursery. But I'm just not sure I am ready for her to leave me for so long? We also co sleep and she's still breastfeeding a lot too; something I've said I'll do until she weans naturally (but I do have a personal cut off before she starts school I think!) she has never slept through, wakes up every two hours ish still. So I also worry I'm going to be shattered.

On one hand I'm excited for a new career and the things I'll learn/time for me but on the other hand, I'm petrified! Is this normal? To feel so anxious? I have no idea what to do. Maybe I could ask to defer for a year maybe, then she will be much bigger and be more understanding/communicate better.

I have no idea. The tiredness worries me more than most other issues too because I'm sat here on the sofa right now and can hardly keep my eyes open!!

It isn't unusual at all to be nervous about leaving your dc to return to work etc.

You could look at child minders if you don't feel comfortable with a nursery setting.

It is possible that spending a little more time away from you and in a more structured environment will nudge her into better sleep patterns and help you both with tiredness.

As for picking up bad habits from other dc my experience is either your dc do these things or they don't at that age. Small dc are very egocentric and don't tend to pay that much attention to what others do.

Congratulations on getting a place on your course.

Thank you!

Yes, lots of others have told me it might be the best thing for us both. I think it's more the amount of time being five days a week seems a lot and all of a sudden!

It's normal to be nervous about a big change. It's part of preparing ourselves.

Have you looked at any nurseries and their ratios? Presumably you wouldn't choose a horrible nursery that leaves children to cry?

What will be different in a year? What made you apply if you didn't think it would work?

I think you need to step away from some of the catastrophic thinking and weigh it up evenly.

In fairness, whenever it comes it's probably always going to feel like that.

I understand. It does feel like a big change when they've been with you all the time.

But they absolutely love nursery and have the best time! I agree with looking at childminders too. DS1 went to a childminder at 2 and it was perfect for him. The younger two have started nursery at 2 and 16 months. DS2 had a hard time and did better when we took a break and restarted the whole thing at 2.5, but that was during Corona which I think caused the majority of the issues as it led to a lot of messing around and things changing which was very unsettling for him.

Sounds like it would be a good thing for the both of you. I'd definitely go for it, what you are feeling is normal.

The sleep situation isn't sustainable even if you continued to stay at home. You both must be exhausted which is no good for either of you.

Some nurseries aren't great but some nurseries are excellent. Mine has been at his nursery since 3 months and it is a wonderful place with childcare professionals who are experienced and do so many activities with him that I wouldn't have even thought of, he gets so much out of going.

if your mum is about to have her now then is she able to have her part time and nursery place part time? Also maybe you would be happier with a child minder as you will know exactly who your dd is with then.

DS3 has just turned 2 now and is learning so much from nursery that it's brilliant. It is that much more exciting to do things at the weekends as well, a little space from each other helps you feel fresher.

Push past the anxiety, giving into it only makes it worse anyway. Childcare standards in the UK are high and those incidents you read about in the news make the news because they are very rare.

I understand your worries. But the idea that it is the best thing for both of you does not sit well with me at all. What is best is what you feel is right for YOUR child and for YOU - what others choose to do does not come into it. YOu know your child best; and you know whether you are ready to leave her and be able to get the most out of your course.

Can your course be deferred for a year so that you can use that time to gradually get your DD used to being away from you a bit at a time? She would then be 3 when you started the course - a better age really. She will be able to understand explanations of the situation and have a better grasp of time - e.g. Mummy will be back after snack time (or whatever). She will also have had a further year to gradually build up resistance to the bug soup that is nursery by having half days or whatever in the build up to full time. This will mean that she is less likely to be home ill when you need to be on your course.

None of mine were in nursery/playschool or whatever till they were 3, and then only part time. I absolutely get your wish to be there with her for the milestones which, if you miss them, never happen again.

I know that many parents do not have the luxury of this choice, but you do and if I were you I would make the most of it. You can titrate her time in nursery according to how she responds without feeling that you have no choice but to "dump her and leave" because you have to be somewhere else at a certain time.

You will have the prospect of a good career ahead of you whether you start your training now or in a year's time.

I'd have a look at some nurseries as a first step. Ask them all these questions you've listed, share your worries etc. My 2 yo LOVES nursery. Its so different from the socialisation you get from toddler groups as they get to play all day and form bonds with others away from parents. Its a different dynamic.

If you're considering deferring you are running out of time!

You might find 3 a better age to start nuraery/preschool. A childminder or a nanny might be a more homely setting. My eldest started nursery at 2 and I've got to be honest it didn't suit her and she wasn't happy (I know many are, but she had some issues with food and she just couldntaeem to nap well with the background noise there -didn't seem to bother the others!). But she LOVED preschool once she didn't nap and felt more confident about unusual food. My twins have a nanny and won't start preschool until they are over 3 and that's suited them really really well.

Many children are totally fine at nursery at age 2. A smallnumber aren't and I think family/childminder/nanny just are much more relaxing for those children. It's great your mum is prepared to fill the gap if necessary - find a setting you are really happy is right for YOUR child.

It sounds like it will be the best thing for both of you.

What are you going to do when she gets to school age, not send her because you're too anxious?? No, I doubt it.

I think it's natural to have these feelings.

But...

You don't have a tiny baby any more, and you sort of write as if you do.

It's toddler time, time for a new phase, you want to get on and learn something new and similarly she will benefit from, and be stimulated by, a new environment, different people, new friends, new toys.

It will be worse for you than for her.

She will enjoy being surrounded by children (my DD loves it, she went to nursery at 12 months).

Yes, she will learn new things - positive and negative. She probably will hurt herself at some point. Or will be sad. But these things will happen - it's called life. You can delay it but I personally, don't see the point.

You can never trust anyone 100% - nursery staff, grandparents, teachers, future boyfriends.
You will always feel your child is the safest with you - but learn to deal with these feelings is a part of parenthood.

Mine loved nursery then school, she will be fine kids adapt. If nursery doesn’t work out perhaps a childminder as smaller ratio etc

The level of anxiety you describe is absolutely not normal.

On the one hand you need to push through this for both your sakes and get her used to going to a setting of some sort before she’s 5 and you’re weeping and wailing about her going to school.

On the other hand are you sure you’re ready for the psychological and physical demands of teacher training and teaching? Especially if you only applied “on a whim”. It’s hardly something to be taken lightly especially with all the work you’ll be expected to do at home.

I get this. My twins are 3.5, and will start nursery on Wed. They have always had me or their nanny looking after them, so I worry how they'll cope being left with strangers. But people say it is good for children's socialization, so perhaps think of the positives it will bring to your daughter's life. It'll be a wrench though, at the start.

Well of course she isn't! - her child will be older then. And ready and more able to understand what is going on.

This sort of extrapolation is just nonsense.

There is a world of a difference between a child of 2 and one who is rising 5!

A couple of groups a week isn’t really enough to be socialised. She’s spending 90%+ of her time with just one adult - try to see it from her point of view; she would probably love to spend some time being a bit silly and playing with kids her own age. She’ll have to start school in a couple of years anyhow, that’ll be a lot worse if she’s completely unused to spending any time without you.

*The level of anxiety you describe is absolutely not normal.

On the one hand you need to push through this for both your sakes and get her used to going to a setting of some sort before she’s 5 and you’re weeping and wailing about her going to school.*

And again!! This is total nonsense. Of course she will not be weeping and wailing when it is time for school!

Children are ready for this sort of setting at different ages - just because the OP is questioning whether this is the right thing for her child or for her at this time does not mean she is over-anxious - it means she is weighing up the pros and cons, of which there are both.

How do you think children managed before there were so many nurseries available? Do you think they were all social cripples in adulthood?! They had their parents and their families, and their cousins and their neighbours for socialising and they were just fine. Nursery is only a necessity if a parent HAS to be at work - parents are not second best to this and failing their children!

A couple of groups a week isn’t really enough to be socialised.

Of course it is!!! This child is not living in a bubble!! AS I said there will other children in her life, just not at a nursery. Children managed fine before nursery provision was so widespread!

Nursery is one choice; being at home and going out to meet others is another. Neither is superior - they are just different!

How have we got to the point where a child being with its family is seen as being to its detriment!!?? It is all upside down!

Women have CHOICE - this is why we all fought for them to have that freedom, education, careers etc. But it does not mean that this is the only choice and that children who spend their formative years mainly with their parents are deprived! At one time, not so long ago, placing children in nursery when they were small was seen as detrimental to their development and frowned upon!

Let us get some balance back.

Honestly, OP - with practically every new thing your child will try in the future, you will be able to catastrophise and think up things that could go wrong. Putting off making these kinds of decisions until later will just postpone your chance to learn to accept your anxious feelings and move past them.

I would defer for a year and spend that time building up some time away from you - with your mum one day, nursery a couple of mornings a week and so on - and see how you feel in a year from now.

I don’t think you’re setting yourself up to succeed with the course - you’re sleep deprived and have no childcare in place a week before it’s due to start, and it’s a demanding full-on course.

I’d defer or Go part time at a push. In the meantime-

PT nursery/CM for your daughter. Take the time to find a setting you like and trust.

Some sort of sleep plan that doesn’t involve waking four times a night - crunchy or not, that is detrimental to you and to her.

@Mischance why are you so invested in this?