I'm too anxious to put my 2yr old into nursery... but what to do?

[crunchymama]

I firstly would like to start by saying that I am in a fortunate position where I have been able to stay at home and not go back to work since having my daughter. She is now 2.

I randomly applied for a teacher training course, not thinking I'd get it; but I did! I was really taken back and it is something I would love to do. But my toddler has never been in childcare. She rarely spends time away from me. I reckon she's been away from me a handful of times in the two years; and the longest would be a day max; never over night. I think that was a wedding I attended.

The thought of putting her in a nursery makes me extremely anxious. I hate the thought of someone else who I don't know looking after her. What if she hurts herself, is scared or sad? I know the ratio of staff to child isn't great and the thought of her being left to cry doesn't sit well with me at all. What if they aren't kind to her? You see things on the news about these awful nursery workers etc. that terrifies me.

Also, going from being with each other 24/7 to then her being away from me five days a week for long periods of time makes me feel awful too. I feel like someone else is going to have all those lovely moments, helping her grow etc.

She is such a lovely girl, really kind natured. I worry about her picking up habits such as biting or hitting from other toddlers. I know this is something that some toddlers do as a behaviour/emotion but she's never done either. I worry that she'll change I guess.

She is well socialised as we do a few groups a week so I don't worry about that side of things too much. But I know at nursery she will learn so much also. So there are pros to the cons.

I'm meant to be there on Thursday for my induction day. Then from Monday it'll be full time. I have my mum who can help with looking after her until I can find a nursery. But I'm just not sure I am ready for her to leave me for so long? We also co sleep and she's still breastfeeding a lot too; something I've said I'll do until she weans naturally (but I do have a personal cut off before she starts school I think!) she has never slept through, wakes up every two hours ish still. So I also worry I'm going to be shattered.

On one hand I'm excited for a new career and the things I'll learn/time for me but on the other hand, I'm petrified! Is this normal? To feel so anxious? I have no idea what to do. Maybe I could ask to defer for a year maybe, then she will be much bigger and be more understanding/communicate better.

I have no idea. The tiredness worries me more than most other issues too because I'm sat here on the sofa right now and can hardly keep my eyes open!!

It is not enabling inequality ... it is giving choice to EITHER PARENT to stay at home and look after their child. Before, the choice to either work outside the home or look after their children at home was not there for women ... it is now I am glad to say.

It is wonderful that your child has an excellent nursery. You clearly feel it is the right choice for you and your child.

Let us hope that the OP is helped to make the right choice for her and her child without being made to feel either decision is more acceptable than the other.

Why not look at nurseries and childminders, get some recommendations, visit some. Inform yourself and it might lessen the anxiety. Can you defer the course one year so that you have time to gradually increase the childcare hours / days? Nothing to 5 days seems a big change. And I’d be looking at some ways to gently change the sleep / night feed situation as that must be really damaging your own healthy.

I'm probably going against the grain here but for me personally going from full time with my DC to them being in nursery full time would have been too much. My DD in particular really struggled to settle in childcare (only went 2 or 3 mornings a week) and even after 2 years of it she cried every morning that I left her! We both hated it and if I could go back then I wouldn't have sent her. There's absolutely no judgement from me though and you need to do what's right for you but if you are in a financial position to postpone your plans for a couple of years then that's what I'd do. I know lots of people would disagree but just wanted to give my opinion.

Normal to feel anxious. I went back to work when my DS was 2yrs10 months and that felt about right to me. Both my kids in the end loved nursery but it took them both a while to fully settle. My son would have preferred to stay home and play Legos all day but it would have driven me crazy. But it sounds like you love being at home with your dd. Can you defer a year? That’s what I’d do.

Teacher training is intense and demanding. You will be spending all your time looking after other people's children. Meanwhile your child will be cared for by someone else.
I'm pointing this out as I was in this situation and it made me realise I didn't want to feel as though I was prioritising other children's needs over my own.
It just led to me feeling guilty and then my heart wasn't in the work.

Of course it is. The choice is presented very differently to men and women due to how ingrained sexism is within our society which is why it is largely women who sacrifice their careers.

So this mother, wanting to find a way of doing the best for her and her child, should send her child to nursery to satisfy some desire to fight against ingrained sexism? Really?

No, I never said that.

I said that individually, there is no issue but at a societal level, there is absolutely an issue because society tells women that childcare is their responsibility alone and it is only them who should go part time or completely sacrifice their careers.

It is rare that men sacrifice their career to stay at home or even go part time because society tells them that it is their responsibility to be the providers.

That isn't equality.

I’m not sure from your post OP whether you really want to do the training but feel guilty and worried about your daughter, or whether you don’t really want to do it right now but feel like you should. Either way, you should make a decision based on what you want, not one based on fear or pressure. If you pick a good nursery your daughter will be fine and happy there. Yes she will cry and get hurt sometimes, just as I’m sure she does with you, but the staff will comfort her. It is hugely beneficial for a child
to have a wide network of adults they trust in their lives. The responsibility doesn’t have to all be on you, and her happiness vs your happiness doesn’t have to be an either/or equation, though society is very good at making motherhood seem like it should be that way.

Practically speaking, I still breastfeed and cosleep with my nursery attending toddler. Those things won’t change, your home life with her won’t change. At her age and level of awareness she will likely find it a big adjustment and a staggered start would probably be good, if you can arrange that. But make the choice you want to make for yourself, not out of fear or obligation. If you want to defer because you love being home with her you can. But being a good mother isn’t about just being there all the time, and things like “what if she gets hurt” or “what if I miss special moments” are just mental traps, unhelpful and meaningless. Do you think your husband worries every day when he goes to work about your daughter getting hurt in his absence? Or worries that not spending every moment with her means he’s “missing out” on her? Do you think that he should be totally preoccupied with these things? And if not, why do you place that burden on yourself? It’s illogical and shouldn’t really play into your thinking, unless you plan to stay glued to her side forever, which you know you can’t do. Good luck!

I think a lot of people don't have the choice to stay at home or to bf for this period of time. Many women will be encouraging you to go back to work and send DC to nursery because they had to. I wish I was in the same position and would send my DCs to nursery when they can speak better. I will try my best to stay with them for as long as possible as this time only comes once. You will never regret spending time with your kids but you may regret going back to work.

Many people will encourage it because they chose to and saw it was fine.

I would have regretting staying home longer; my kids had far more fun in their childcare setting and I bloody loved my job. We were all happier for the balance I struck.

can I ask why you don’t practice social work any more?

i am a lapsed primary school teacher and the profession occasionally gets SW grads who didn’t want to continue social work and were looking for something more family friendly and less admin….ahem

Equally I know colleagues who have gone onto one of the social worker training programs for the same thing…ahem

currently a SAHM and will be for 3 years minimum as I don’t want her to start nursery until she’s older. Mainly because teaching is not a family friendly job, particularly in your ITT period and first couple of years.

in your situation I would be wary of taking on the course this year and then losing valuable practice hours and placement time due to your child not settling and nursery illnesses. Some schools will be frustrated with you. Primary schools are not all happy clappy family oriented places and I have seen many a colleague under extreme anxiety and pressure as a result of having to take repeated parental leave.

in your boat I would defer. Start DC at nursery for a few sessions a week now and build up gradually. Get the nursery illnesses out the way and get yours and their confidence up.

I think the course is a fantastic opportunity that you should definitely take up!

It's really hard at first. It pulls at the heartstrings but the staff see this every day and know all the techniques for settling in.

Can you do a more gradual approach so a couple of short days at first and then build it up? Is there any way you can do 4 days instead of 5 so you have say Wednesdays with her which will break up the week?

A childminder is a good suggestion as they offer a more personal approach in a much smaller setting.

You will never regret spending time with your kids but you may regret going back to work.

This isn't true. I personally stayed at home for 14 months and then went back part time. I watched other family members go back to work full time at six months.

I realized that would actually have worked better for me. If I had had more dc I decided I would do that.

The dc are all teenagers now and there is no noticeable difference between them all.

These choices seem huge and critical at the time but rarely seem to be in the long run.

It doesn't mean OP has to go back to full time education this year but she should be able to make a guilt free choice that works for her.

Haha Exactly! Children love nursery (at least mine does).

Psychology is such a young field, and back in the day parents thought that babies didn't get much from the word, so they didn't entertain them.
Now we know from the research from the last few decades, that they understand and engage with their surroundings much more than previously thought.
Nurseries are amazing: group singing, dancing, activities; exposed to loads of different things- together with other children.
Putting your child into nursery doesn't mean they will be smarter or develop faster. But they are exposed to more (definitely more than I could provide) activited, so they are probably less bored.

Congratulations on your teaching course! How exciting, I’m a teacher too, and I love it.

I am going back to work soon, but I too don’t want LO in a nursery, for all the same reasons you’ve listed. She’s also a very quiet, sweet natured little thing and I don’t want her being ignored all day whilst the staff deal with the more challenging kids. I also don’t want her picking up bacterial illnesses, and being treated badly/bitten etc by other kids.

So, we’ve got a part time nanny, and my mum will be splitting the week with her. It also means I’ll avoid needing to do drop off and pickup. As it’s term time only, it’s worked out quite a bit cheaper than nursery. I would say, get on childcare.com, and do some video interviews this week asap, and you never know, you might find the perfect person.

Best of luck to you

More than one person has already said that they went back to work by choice, not because they had to.

It's the same for me too. I'm telling OP to go for it because not only will her daughter be absolutely fine at nursery but this is something OP wants to do and it is more than ok to want to do something for yourself even though you're a parent or mother is more accurate.

I think OP is posting on here because she isn't sure of what she wants to do at the moment. I've also never said you can't have something for yourself as a parent? Please don't project onto me. I think it's fine if woman want to go back to work FT, fine if they want to go back LTFT and fine if they don't want to work. It's all okay, I am just giving my personal opinion.

You can't get those early years back and that's the truth. They go to school in a blink of an eye so it's nice to enjoy the moments we can.

Yet only women are expected to give up their careers or go part time because ‘you can’t get those early years back’. No one says that to men and that’s part of the problem.

Working doesn’t stop me from enjoying plenty of moments with my baby.

I agree with @Mischance to be honest & I say that as someone whose DD went to nursery at 14 months. My DD absolutely hated it & took ages to settle but I pushed through because everyone said she would love it & I was doing the right thing. To be honest we have no way of knowing if OP’s daughter will love it or not. She might hate it. But I don’t agree that being in nursery is better than being at home or that she’s missing out on anything by not going. Some children have to go like mine because I went back to work but there’s nothing wrong with leaving it until later if you have the choice.

Yes, but women are the primary attachment figure and a secure attachment is built with the mother in those early years. I'm not saying you can't have a secure attachment and send your child to nursery, oh no! However, that is the reason why there is more emphasis on women spending the early years with their children. I think most women do enjoy it too and unfortunately both partners can't be off work.

Ideally you'd want her to attend a good bit before the course starts so she can settle in and you can both determine if she likes it. Ours is meant to go in part time, enjoys it when they do go in and is very sociable and confident however will always chose to stay at home when given the choice (and it is a complete battle to get them in... I forced the first child and I ain't doing that again, heart breaking) 😆 luckily in the position of being a SAHM so they don't HAVE to attend

If you can have a secure attachment and send your child to nursery then it clearly isn't the reason.

The reason is because we live in an incredibly sexist society and those expectations are pushed onto women but not men.

Just because you say that women stay at home due to societal pressures does not mean it is true. That is a hugely reductionist statement. Women stay at home for many reasons and as long as it is their choice then that is fine.

Everyone is influenced by society to some extent. Everyone.

Especially when it is ingrained in you from birth as gender stereotypes, sexism etc are.

Like I said, on an individual level it might be fine but at a macro level? I would disagree due to the pressure that is placed on women and only women to give up their careers.