I'm too anxious to put my 2yr old into nursery... but what to do?

[crunchymama]

I firstly would like to start by saying that I am in a fortunate position where I have been able to stay at home and not go back to work since having my daughter. She is now 2.

I randomly applied for a teacher training course, not thinking I'd get it; but I did! I was really taken back and it is something I would love to do. But my toddler has never been in childcare. She rarely spends time away from me. I reckon she's been away from me a handful of times in the two years; and the longest would be a day max; never over night. I think that was a wedding I attended.

The thought of putting her in a nursery makes me extremely anxious. I hate the thought of someone else who I don't know looking after her. What if she hurts herself, is scared or sad? I know the ratio of staff to child isn't great and the thought of her being left to cry doesn't sit well with me at all. What if they aren't kind to her? You see things on the news about these awful nursery workers etc. that terrifies me.

Also, going from being with each other 24/7 to then her being away from me five days a week for long periods of time makes me feel awful too. I feel like someone else is going to have all those lovely moments, helping her grow etc.

She is such a lovely girl, really kind natured. I worry about her picking up habits such as biting or hitting from other toddlers. I know this is something that some toddlers do as a behaviour/emotion but she's never done either. I worry that she'll change I guess.

She is well socialised as we do a few groups a week so I don't worry about that side of things too much. But I know at nursery she will learn so much also. So there are pros to the cons.

I'm meant to be there on Thursday for my induction day. Then from Monday it'll be full time. I have my mum who can help with looking after her until I can find a nursery. But I'm just not sure I am ready for her to leave me for so long? We also co sleep and she's still breastfeeding a lot too; something I've said I'll do until she weans naturally (but I do have a personal cut off before she starts school I think!) she has never slept through, wakes up every two hours ish still. So I also worry I'm going to be shattered.

On one hand I'm excited for a new career and the things I'll learn/time for me but on the other hand, I'm petrified! Is this normal? To feel so anxious? I have no idea what to do. Maybe I could ask to defer for a year maybe, then she will be much bigger and be more understanding/communicate better.

I have no idea. The tiredness worries me more than most other issues too because I'm sat here on the sofa right now and can hardly keep my eyes open!!

For the person questioning if I'll cope due to the demands of the course, yes I am sure. I finished my social work degree while going through an awful ectopic and then heavily pregnant! There was nothing more demanding than finishing a three year degree while on placement than that to be honest.

I guess everyone's level of anxiety is different. Some people don't have a choice and HAVE to send their children to childcare due to needing to go back to work etc. I haven't had to do that and still do not.

I applied on a 'whim' but it was something that I have been thinking about for a long time now.

Agree with this post. Also with PP who say some nurseries are excellent. My son's is- took him a good while to settle but he absolutely adores it now and talks about his friends all the time. Recently he randomly said he loves "all the boys and all the girls and all the teachers" at nursery which I don't think he would say if he was being left to cry or having any of the bad experiences you worry about

How would you know when they are ready if you don't give them a chance? They are ready whenever you let them. In the US, women go back to work at 12 weeks, and babies go to the nursery. No one questions if they are ready, you just do it.

Also, you have a strange argument. Back in the day, they had loads of siblings. Being surrounded by 5-10 children every day is very different from 0.

Phos - I am invested in this because I was part of the Women's Lib movement and fought for women to have choice. Now look where we are - women are being denigrated for wanting to look after their own children - how did we get here? How was the positive aim of giving women choice in their lives turned upside down?

It is fine for women to choose to parent at home for as long as feels right for them and as long as they are able. They should not be made to feel that they are failing their children by doing this.

I do understand a bit of the psychology of this ..... for those who have no choice because they need to work, they have to convince themselves that placing a small child in nursery is all positive - but it isn't - it is a balance of needs.

We fought for women to have good and equal education and the possibility of a career that fitted in with their wishes. We did not fight for women who wish to care for their children being told that they are parenting badly!

The OP had concerns about placing her child in nursery at this point - that is fine. She is making an assessment of what would be best for her and the child at this point in time. She is not condemning her child to become some sort of social cripple; she is not planning to weep and wail outside the school gates - she is simply weighing up what is best.

My advice would be to ignore those who are catastrophising and telling her she is neurotic and to find the best way for her child. This could be deferring the course for a year in order to help her child to become acclimatised to the care that will be needed when she starts the course. She is not damaging her child in any way by doing this. She is being a good parent.

Back in the day, they had loads of siblings. Being surrounded by 5-10 children every day is very different from 0.

Where did I say that children had 5 - 10 siblings!!?? I simply said that there are other opportunities for socializing apart from being in a nursery.

Sounds like it would be good for you both? DT’s started full time nursery when they were six months old. I chose to go back to my career (didn’t have to).

Nursery was brilliant for DT’s - they stayed there until they started school and two of the nursery staff became our babysitters each week.

@Mischance interesting how you’re so for women’s lib and women getting education and careers but against them putting children in childcare to do it. And missing the point that stay at home mothers harm gender equality.

Also I put my kid in nursery so I could work. I didn’t have to. My husband’s salary would sustain us. But like that women’s lib thing you preach about, I had an education and wanted a career.

It doesn’t sound like quite the right time to me.
Sounds like you’re in a really lovely toddler
bubble of groups and days out and co sleeping and you’re enjoying it. That’s lovely. Most of us transition out of that quite slowly with KIT days and settling in sessions etc and just mentally you know you’re going back to work. You haven’t had that which is why you’re feeling anxious!
If I were you and I didn’t have the financial pressure then I would enjoy another year with my daughter. They change hugely from 2-3 and by 3 you will almost certainly be able to see that she will benefit from childcare.
The teaching course will be there next year or whenever.
Also, perhaps use the year to look at yourself a bit and make sure teaching is what you want. It sounds like you’ve very recently completed a social work degree, did you want to be a social worker? Make sure
you’re not course/degree hopping because you can’t think what else to do.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

In the US, women go back to work at 12 weeks, and babies go to the nursery.

And do we really know whether this is a good thing? It will be right for some and not for others, which is fine, as long as those who make a different choice are not denigrated and implications made that they are bad parents.

Indeed so.

That is precisely the point - you made the choice that was right for you. But that does not mean it is the right choice for every woman and child. Women should have the choice without facing criticism, which is what is coming up on this thread. I am glad you had that choice and were able to do the right thing for you. That was not possible for my mother and her contemporaries and I am delighted that we have got to the point where you were at liberty to make that choice.

Giving you and all women a choice was what it was all about. It was not about women slagging off other women if they make a different choice from you!

@FlamboMango @Mischance thank you both so much; really valuable advice from you.

I actually worked as a TA for years before I did my degree; I had actually applied to education and quickly changed it to social work!

Now I have a toddler I think teaching would fit my lifestyle better and something I have a lot of experience in too.

I have a lot to think about. Thank you all.

Can you use a childminder instead?

We really need to stop judging each other on our childcare decisions. It's a choice we all have to make and there is no right or wrong way.

My DD is starting for the first time in September, she's 3 years old and will be full time. I totally understand your anxiety, I feel it too. I'm terrified she'll hate it and be miserable, but we have to try because I really need more hours at work. Only you can decide if its right or not

crunchymama - I hope that you will be able to come to the decision that is right for you, and it is entirely appropriate that you should be weighing up all the pros and cons. Please do not feel you are being neurotic. Either decision could be right for you and your child, but you have to be allowed to make that decision free from pressure.

By the way, I have worked in both social work and education - so I wish you well!

We really need to stop judging each other on our childcare decisions. It's a choice we all have to make and there is no right or wrong way. - exactly!

This was me 16 years ago, but with a 1 year old!

I did a PGCE, which was a hard course, especially with managing a little one, but it was the best thing in the end and I'm so glad I did it.

I probably didn't work as hard as the other students (I just couldn't with looking after a little one too) but I completed the course well and love being a teacher. I worked full time for one year after completing the PGCE and then went part time after that.

Find a good nursery and see if your uni can arrange for your placements to be near to the nursery. You won't be at uni all of the time, so there will be days that you can be at home with your little one.

Definitely give it a go!

@crunchymama how do you feel about deferring or going part time? It seems like the natural answer

This thread has got a bit intense (🤨) but in defence of nurseries, mine has been to three because... life, and they have all been such a delight. You should go to some to see for yourself that they're not baby prisons where children are languishing crying.

It isn’t judging, OP has asked for opinions?

When I first read this I missed the point about your mum and thought you may need more time to find a nursery or childminder. Is your mum going to be able to help for a few weeks/months and help with transition and settling in while you start the course?

Have you looked into the possibility of deferral as well, while you make a more gradual transition? You can join waiting lists now, and also, there may be more choice of nursery and childminder places and while their ratios aren't huge at just 3 still, childminders may have a little more flexibility together with existing charges.

@Mischance What does this have to do with Women's Lib Movement and choice? She stayed home and now she's questioning whether to go back to work or not. Seems like she has plenty of choice.

It's about what is beneficial to your child. I think for a two-year-old, without a sibling and a huge social life, nursery is more beneficial than staying home. Just because you don't agree, it doesn't mean I am judgemental.

This.

I can't think of anything negative about my baby going to his excellent nursery, nothing at all.

On an individual level, a woman staying at home isn't an issue at all but on a societal level, it enables inequality. Especially as long as we are telling only women that it is a choice for them and it is only women who are going part time or sacrificing their careers.

Nothing at all ... if there were not people on here denigrating the OP and implying she us neurotic and depriving her child. That is the problem.