I am currently sobbing on the bathroom floor

[PenisFlyTrap]

We're 27 days into the summer holidays with 20 days to go until my older DD goes back to nursery and I just can't cope anymore.

My DDs are 3 and 1, I'm self employed working from home so I do all the daytime childcare and fit work around DH's working hours so he can have the kids while I'm working. My mum has the kids for 5 or 6 hours every other Friday, my in laws take the 3yo for a couple of hours every week but can't cope with the 1yo which is fair enough. That's all the childcare I have and I appreciate it's more than some people have.

My house is a tip and I'm running round in circles trying to clean and tidy it but it's hard with two toddlers under my feet all day every day - but I know other mums of young children whose homes are nowhere near as disgusting as mine so why can't I do it

Doesn't help that I'm in the process of pursing an ADHD diagnosis for myself, I've always been like this but since having kids the disorganisation has got steadily worse and having them both running around winding each other up for weeks has tipped me over the edge

DH and I have looked at our finances and we just can't afford any more childcare - DD is only entitled to 15 hours so we top it up to give her three full days a week at nursery and that's stretching our budget as it is. I have a job interview lined up (flexible working from home in an admin role) which may change things but until then we are where we are

I don't even know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, I think I just want some non judgement support and there's no one I can talk to irl who doesn't judge me

It's so bloody hard, sorry. Can you ask for help from child social work? They are helping us but different reasons (I was in psychiatric hospital) and have been great mostly.

all of that sounds really hard going and I just wanted you to know that it’s no wonder you’re exhausted and close to going under. I don’t know what to suggest but if you were my daughter I’d try and help out a bit more even just till the holidays are over. Can you tell your mum what you’ve told us.

You’re right in the thick of it, and it’s so hard to see the end when you’re there. I know it’s not helpful right at this moment but it does get infinitely better. Once your eldest is at school it will be less fire-fighting and more enjoyment.

All I can say now is ask for support. Can you give your HV a call? When I was struggling with PND when Dd was little they offered someone to come over a couple of hours a week to either help sort the house or watch Dd with me while I did it. That made a huge difference.

Do you have any friends who can come over and help you give the house a massive sort out? I know if one of my friends was struggling I’d drop everything, no judgement, and give them a hand. I know it’s hard to ask but it will be worth it in the end.

I'll have to name change after this as it's very outing but here it is: my mum is so concerned about my lack of ability to keep on top of the housework while looking after the kids she's called children's services. She's a health visitor so every time she comes to my house she's in HV mode and is assessing my parenting (not my assumption, she's openly said this)

My actual HV has been very supportive and understanding and she's visiting soon to see what support can be put in place. The social worker who called me was also lovely and wanted to help. I'm on a waiting list for counselling from the wellbeing service. But all that involves waiting for things to get underway and I don't know how to cope from one hour to the next in the meantime

💐 can you cut back on your own woking hours?
When my DC were toddlers, I used to spend mornings at the park, toddler groups ect. Then lunch & a nap for the kids, rest for myself.

A quick tidy up once kids were in bed always told myself what isn't done by X time just isn't done!
Would that work for you?

I get it. I so get it.

I’m ND and, I’ve now realised, I hit the wall around week five of the school holidays without fail. Most of the holidays are just me (husband might take one week off but that’s it) no holiday clubs because kids are also ND and can’t cope.

The summer holidays, for me, are six solid weeks of feeling like a complete failure when it comes to keeping children happy and entertained, keeping the house from looking like a bomb site… oh, and trying to stay sane myself.

Something has to give and it’s always my sanity.

Do you get out of the house as much as possible? The less you’re in, the less mess there is to make. We don’t have a garden so I’m out with my toddler a lot. Structure helps. Up, breakfast, play while I get ready, out. Playground, a walk, a trip on the bus to the shops, soft play, the odd playgroup/class. Back for lunch or sometimes picnic out- less mess indoors. Nap. Afternoon, up, snack, play for a little bit, out. This is the time I want to wear him out so often long playground session, run in park, go to woods. Walk to see the trains, no buggy. (We sometimes go further afield and do a splash park or a city farm but my budget is tight) home, screen time, dinner, tidy, bath bad. Wash on, tidy up, sit down.

I know I only have one. But I’m a nanny too so lots of experience with more than one and a lot of organising. If I didn’t have a routine and structure, it wouldn’t work.

my mum is so concerned about my lack of ability to keep on top of the housework while looking after the kids she's called children's services

WTF?

Instead of lending a hand, she REPORTED YOU?

Well, I'd think your mum could be a bit more helpful than referring you to social services, FFS. That's probably a separate issue but I'd have thought that her coming over and helping you blitz or taking the DC for an extra day so you could would be more helpful than calling social services. .

As a practical point, it seems you're working and when you're not working, you're in charge of all household tasks and childcare. Your DH is working and when he's NOT working, he's just doing childcare? Right there is the first issue - you can't work, do childcare and do all the housework if he's not stepping up. So if you're working while he puts Dc to bed, then he needs to then spend an hour doing housework after - he can vacuum one day, clean the bathrooms the next, change bedding, clean the kitchen etc.

As a rule, I think that when the house gets totally chaotic, it becomes very difficult to keep on top of. Can you scrabble together funds to get a cleaning agency to come in as a once off and do a big blitz? Unfortunately, it's not a permanent solution but it could give you some breathing room and for a while at least - until the end of the holidays - you'd be able to more easily keep on top of things?

I’ve learnt to let a LOT go. There are tonnes of jobs I’d love to get on top of, no time/mental capacity. Priorities are
food prep/cooking
hoover
kitchen floor and sides wiped and clean
bathroom full clean weekly
laundry. Day of putting it on, day of drying, day of putting away. Repeat.
Toys and general clutter out of sight at end of day or at least put neatly
rubbish dealt with

What sort of nan / mum calls SS over a messy house?! Is it truly dirty? Are the kids suffering? Or is she just a controlling cow?

Perhaps mum knows there is more help available/needed than she can give. Perhaps mum had to make the choice of being a mum or a mum with a HV background who knows what help is needed.

OP, I hope things turn a corner for you soon.

In fairness she has tried to help by doing a couple of loads of laundry every few weeks etc, and there are a lot of complex issues she's dealing with in her personal life which are not mine to divulge here. And she's got a point, the untidiness has reached a level where I'm struggling the keep the place clean. Clutter is one thing but lack of cleanliness is quite other and I'm desperate for help

Can you and your husband carve out 30 mins a day once kids are in bed to give the house a good blitz? Have a look at the guided cleans on Rock the Housework, brilliant for those with ADHD in particular. You can get loads done with two people in 30 mins.

Can your DH help with cleaning when he’s home from work?

Keeping on top of things with ADHD takes a whole different mind set

Firstly, try loads of caffeine, it might help you focus (I am assuming you dont have any other health conditions that would make this a bad idea)

Then rigid routines and lists can help enormously.

Can you find half an hour to sit down with DH and write a lost of what household jobs are going to be done on which day and when and by who.

Then write down all the steps involved in each job, and be very specific

Then write a routine for the DC day..
7am up
7.15 milk in the kitchen while I make breakfast
7.30 breakfast at the kitchen table
8.00 get everyone dressed for the day and put socks and shoes in a bag on the front door handle. Refill the changing bag
etc

Then add a half an hour each day for you and DH to chill and half an hour to tackle a big job (write a separate list of the big jobs)

Put all the lists in full view on the fridge and dont ever move them

Then make sure everyone is getting enough sleep and sleep train any dc that are waking in the night

Start taking mega multivitamins and minerals

Forgive yourself for not being ‘perfect’. No one is ‘perfect’, everyone is failing in one way or another at any one point in time.

Rigid routines might help, thank you for suggesting that

Can't really do loads of caffeine as I'm still breastfeeding the 1yo at night although I'm gradually stopping

What you need to remember is you are juggling three full time jobs, working, childcare and day to day life that is a lot for anyone to be trying to do without adding a possible ADHD diagnosis. Your children are still so little that they need your constant time when they are with you. Do you get anytime to recharge? That is just as important as all the other things on the to do list

Do you or your DH have any friends you can ask for help. If so I'd ask your mum to the kids for the whole day on Friday and get your husband to take the day as leave and clean the whole house with any friends that can help. Use the Adhd super focus to get you through deep cleaning and organising ad much as you can. I know its not recommended but the problem is with ADHD the worse the mess gets the higher the overwhelm and breaking it into smaller tasks won't help especially if you end up doing same things over nd over becauseyou never really finish anything. Once that's done you'll have a much clear mental spce to sit with your husband and agree routines to keep it clean going forward.if he hasn't got Adhd he should be able to help keep the routines realistic and time sensible so you don't overload your self or assume you can get everything done in ten minutes. Then you can do as the other poster suggested and spend 30mins or an hour each day together doing the routines. This will be like body doubling so he can help you keep on task and not get distracted. One of the best things you can do is declutter and have a home for everything. Don't make piles because your adhd will not like sorting through them. I am a million times tidier now because even when I'm distracted I subconsciously know where everything lives and I do it on auto pilot

not sure if this would be possible for you but could you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to do some bits of cleaning. won't be as expensive as additional child care?

Can you contact your local home start . They maybe able to offer you some support with childcare in the home whilst you tidy, someone who is in your side. They can act as a sort of parenting mentor , someone who can get you over this hump .

https://www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

I don’t even have small children - one adult son with ASD (I am currently waiting for an assessment for this myself). But I really struggle keeping my house tidy, as well as wfh. I have so much clutter, because I make stuff for tutorials and sell online. When my children were small I used to say, as long as I have made the beds and done the dishes everything else can wait. And I still live by that mantra, with the addition of cleaning the bathroom once a week. I would say my home is acceptably clean. Luckily we don’t have many visitors! Plus my stick vacuum is a godsend when we do. My bedroom is dusty, so is my front room, but I only need to dust the tv and black glass tv table it’s not noticeable anywhere else. When I have my granddaughters overnight it’s ten times worse and they’re much older than your kids. I think you need to stop beating yourself up over it and accept any help that’s offered. These days will pass.

Could your children go in to nursery as opposed to pre school? Nursery is open all year

Echoing a pp - self refer to Homestart. A couple of hours a week would give you time to yourself for whatever.

Op, I really feel for you and echo previous posters. There's a book called How To Keep House While Drowning which I think was written with adhd in mind and you might find it helpful. Probably available as an audio book too if you don't have time to read!

I bought it for a friend who's found it useful and it's only slim.

Things will get better