I am currently sobbing on the bathroom floor

[PenisFlyTrap]

We're 27 days into the summer holidays with 20 days to go until my older DD goes back to nursery and I just can't cope anymore.

My DDs are 3 and 1, I'm self employed working from home so I do all the daytime childcare and fit work around DH's working hours so he can have the kids while I'm working. My mum has the kids for 5 or 6 hours every other Friday, my in laws take the 3yo for a couple of hours every week but can't cope with the 1yo which is fair enough. That's all the childcare I have and I appreciate it's more than some people have.

My house is a tip and I'm running round in circles trying to clean and tidy it but it's hard with two toddlers under my feet all day every day - but I know other mums of young children whose homes are nowhere near as disgusting as mine so why can't I do it

Doesn't help that I'm in the process of pursing an ADHD diagnosis for myself, I've always been like this but since having kids the disorganisation has got steadily worse and having them both running around winding each other up for weeks has tipped me over the edge

DH and I have looked at our finances and we just can't afford any more childcare - DD is only entitled to 15 hours so we top it up to give her three full days a week at nursery and that's stretching our budget as it is. I have a job interview lined up (flexible working from home in an admin role) which may change things but until then we are where we are

I don't even know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, I think I just want some non judgement support and there's no one I can talk to irl who doesn't judge me

What I would do:
Clean one awkward cupboard in the kitchen - one you don't use much.
Go around the house collecting all crockery and cutlery, wash it up and then store one set for each person and any extras get put in the awkward cupboard that way you have spares but won't end up with piles of crockery everywhere because the old stuff will have to be washed.

Wipe down all kitchen surfaces and get rid of any clutter. Candles sat around taking up space? - stick it in the awkward cupboard etc.

Collect all the worn clothes around the house and wash them, dry them and put them straight away, if it needs ironing you can do that the day you want to wear it but get rid of the ironing pile (this is my demon, DD calls the ironing pile my boyfriend as it takes up the other half of my bed)

Look around the house do you have enough toy storage? Kallax units with boxes are great then limit play to one box at a time.

Look around your house where are the pinch points? What is making the mess? Can you give things a designated space near where they naturally get put such as keys, wallets, phones etc

What an awful thing of your mother to do.

I wish I had some advice to give you but I'm floundering too. DH works FT, I'm part time (2x 11.5 hour). It's likely I have some form of ND, but I'm really not interested in a diagnosis. My kids are the same age too. Other than that, it's just us. No family nearby.

Truth be told, I've pretty much given up on keeping the house tidy (nevermind clean) until at least the eldest is in school. For now, so long as the kitchen is clean and everyone's got clean clothes to wear is my only requirement. So I make those my priorities. Everything else is a bonus if it gets done like tidying toys and running the vacuum around. If family comes to visit, we blitz the place the night/morning before. We meet friends outside the house.

I really feel you on this. The house work makes me so overwhelmed I can't physically get up and do it sometimes l. I also am waiting for assessment for ADHD. It's really hard once you have children because there's 1 million other things to do as well. Appointments, phone calls, work etc it just gets to much sometimes. This is why I can not stand the holidays I need my routine and know what I'm doing and when. Please know your not alone. And you have totally got this.

I have listened to a couple of podcasts with KC Davis. The best one was on What Fresh Hell (titled 'KC Davis and the Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing').

KC Davis's methods are value-neutral (in that you are not a 'good person' for keeping a clean house) - she is basically about finding strategies that work for you. She has lots of great suggestions - e.g. I try to do my 'closing duties' every night. And her 'there's only five types of trash' system is genius.

Her advice is particularly good for people who struggle with executive functioning, which can at times be all of us (as executive functioning can collapse when we're stressed) but can be particularly difficult for people with ADHD.

If you and your partner are working, your 3yo should be entitlement to 30 hours childcare. Have you checked your entitlement? Are you using Tax-Free Childcare to reduce nursery fees? This might help buy more childcare in holidays

Could your child not go to nursery for the equivalent of your top up each month? Even if it gave you 1/2 mornings a week?

I feel your pain! You dont need a ‘method’ or a timetable, you need someone to have the kids for a few hours a week on a regular basis so that you can spend some time tidying up! Have you thought to ask your friends for help?
I also recommend Home Start. Contact your local Sure Start centre - they might be able to help x

Get in touch with your local Home Start - they have volunteers who will help families with children under 5. They are completely non-judgemental. And how awful of your mother!

I really feel for you, my kids have a similar gap and I am also starting to go down the path of an ADHD diagnosis. It's SO difficult. One thing I did was sign up to my local Better centre with a crèche, and use that as much as I could. It's an expense, and it's not for very long, but it saved me from drowning in those early days.

No advice, just solidarity. I've got a 3 year old, a 7 month old, and I don't work (zero family nearby so just me and dh).
It's really hard keeping on top of the housework with two small children on my own. DH is great and helps lots when he's here but he usually comes back to everyone alive, fed and clean, but to a bomb in every room.

I can't believe your mum called ss on you. Due to not keeping on top of the housework? That is absurd. I'd never forgive my mum if she did that instead of offering to help. Despicable.

Girl, I'm right there with you. My daughter just turned 3 and there's no nice way to put this other than she's an arsehole 50% of the time. I loved the first 2 years. This past year has been mostly hideous.

1. My place is always trashed and I'm cleaning up pretty much all the time.

1. The whinging, moaning and tantrums makes me want to rip my chest hair off.

1. The sleep is either good or just terrible. Oh and she refuses to sleep in her own bed so I'm restricted to the corner of my lovely double bed.

1. I ended things with her dad a year ago so since then, I've basically been on my own other than a few hours every evening where he watches her while I work. Luckily I have my sister who has her once or twice a week so I can have somewhat of a social life.

Sounds evil writing this but does anyone dislike their toddler sometimes and think, where did it go wrong? When will this 'phase' end?

All I can say to you, from one mum to another, try not to sweat the small stuff. It will pass. You're doing the best you can.

I also have ADHD and really struggle with this stuff - you have my total sympathy.

I've been seeing an ADHD coach recently, and we've been working on my decision paralysis and inability to get started on tasks I don't actively want to do (such as housework, admin etc).

She suggested I stop thinking about the full job that needs to be done (i.e. clean and tidy the whole house) and instead break the tasks down into sprints. Sprints are a timeboxed activity, so you decide how much time per day you're able to spend on the "cleaning and tidying the house" project, then split the work into daily chunks until it's done.

Sprint 1 should be make a plan and split the work. You should aim to tackle the things that provide the most value first, so common areas and areas that are causing the most issues by being dirty or untidy.

Sprint 2 tackle the most valuable task, Sprint 3 the next most valuable, etc etc. If a task is bigger and will take more than one sprint, then divide it up - e.g. with the kitchen, tackle the dishes and tidy on one day, then tackle the cleaning the following day when the surfaces are clear.

You can move tasks up and down the priority backlog as you work through them if you change your mind or something needs doing sooner.

My coach says that ADHD brains tend to panic and freeze when presented with a large project with many tasks, whereas we're pretty good at tackling small chunks of work in a short fixed timeframe.

We also need the dopamine hit of ticking something off very regularly, or we lose interest and give up. Having small achievable daily tasks makes this possible.

I've been trying this for lots of stuff both at work and home and it's made a massive difference. Might be worth a shot to regain some control and feel like you're working your way through it?

Sounds evil writing this but does anyone dislike their toddler sometimes and think, where did it go wrong? When will this 'phase' end?

Mate, I thought this yesterday and my child is about to go to secondary school.

For what it's worth, I also think your mum has been deeply unhelpful, regardless of what she's got going on. You're not a failure and your worth as a person/parent isn't tied to how well you keep house.

OP I've been where you are. To the point my HV referred me to child services as well. You're ahead of me because I had no idea I was struggling with ADHD at the time. (Things are now WAY better, it really does help, keep on keeping on.)

The only thing that has ever helped me housework wise is a podcast called A Slob Comes Clean. She gets it. I listen to this podcast while I do housework, just a little at a time, and I have learned so much and it's making a huge difference. I even ended up buying her book and working through that.

When you are a naturally messy person (including struggles like ADHD) there are likely things that you do that people who aren't so messy don't do, that most cleaning/housework/organising plans assume that you don't do. This is a real oversight, because they are often the biggest problem, causing more mess as fast as you can clean it up.

HomeStart might be able to help, but be aware they can take months to allocate a volunteer to a specific family, it's not an instant answer, but might be useful in the longer term.

My daughter just turned 3 and there's no nice way to put this other than she's an arsehole 50% of the time. I loved the first 2 years. This past year has been mostly hideous.

I recognise this pattern, especially with the recent relationship break up. (At least one common cause of it).

Would you say that you are someone who shies away from conflict, maybe is a bit of a people pleaser? Struggle with boundaries and people tend to treat you badly because of it?

Perhaps you've been quite into the attachment parenting or gentle parenting style? In fact it's been working fantastically up until now, you might even feel like you're at fault because you aren't doing as well at it as you used to be?

There's a really common pattern where parents who are attracted to these parenting styles because they are conflict avoidant start to run into problems round about age 3, because you think you've been really good at having boundaries, but actually every method you've used to hold a boundary has just been conflict avoidant, eg distraction, appeasement, compromise. This causes DC to start to almost flail around wildly trying to find any boundary to bump into because they really want to know that you're the adult and you're in charge.

The problem is that a lot of gentle parenting advice is about getting you to be less controlling, more accepting. If there's a scale and the sweet spot is in the middle, what happens if you're already a bit too accepting and you follow advice telling you to be more accepting? It doesn't help because it pushes you into an extreme point that is counter productive.

I am probably not making that much sense here, but if you think this might be what you're struggling with I recommend Janet Lansbury, try searching on her website for boundaries, permissive, emotions, and see what comes up.

Meanwhile, can I suggest that you pick a day when DH is not working, and then either you or he takes the children out all day, and maybe does something useful at the same time, like taking all the washing to the launderette. The other one stays at home and blitzes whatever needs to be done - tidying, chucking out anything surplus to requirements, and clean the bathroom and kitchen. The next day, hoover the rest of the house.
Once it's clean it'll be easier to keep on top of IF you do it regularly, and put things away at the time.
Work out what is vital, and what can wait - kitchen and bathroom need to be hygienic, bins need not to be overflowing, and everyone needs to be fed. Making beds can go further down the list, as can hoovering and dusting. Ironing doesn't need to be on it at all.
You can clean the bathroom and loo while the DC are in the bath, and get a playpen or travel cot to put the smallest one in while you are doing other urgent tasks.
It is exhausting, it will get better, and if you have ADHD it is an uphill struggle. DH needs to make sure he is pulling his weight. Be kind to yourself, 2 toddlers is hard for anyone.

I'm ND and mess is a real trigger for me. I have 2 kids (4 and 5) and obviously, as kids do, they trash the place if we have a day at home.
Most days I take them out mid morning and stay out until about 2/3.
When we come home, they're usually calmer as they've run around like loons all day so I'll then get them in front of a Disney movie/Bluey with some snacks and that's when I tackle the house.

I have a cleaner come once a fortnight just to help keep on top of jobs like the bathrooms/mopping the floors etc.

If your work doesn't pay enough for you to afford childcare then you shouldn't be working at all. It's not fair to you, your children, or your employer (least important). Let your husband get a second job or do extra hours. Or get a different, better-paid job out of the house and pay for a nursery so you can do your job properly and your kids can be properly looked after while you're at work.

As for the cleaning: why doesn't your mum offer to do it if it's bothering her so much she's reporting you? That's bonkers!

Could you use your income to pay for a one-off cleaner, if not a regular one, just to get on top of things?

Could you get up an hour earlier, fuelled by caffeine? I agree that this is a good idea and at 1 it will make no difference with breastfeeding. The amount that gets into the milk is very small and your toddler won't be drinking huge quantities of milk anyway. It might dry up your supply a bit, but it sounds as if that would be the least of your problems.

Could you get a roll of black bags and try to throw as much away as possible? It's a lot easier to keep things clean when the house is emptier.

@PenisFlyTrap your dm is awful.
I have family members whose house has been dirty in the past. Their dc are happy and healthy and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to report them.
I also have a friend who was raised in an immaculate home but had a miserable childhood.
If it helps my ndn used to clean one room a day every week on a rota basis.

Are you working full time for an employer with children at home. Does your employer know this?

@hopeishere read the op, it clearly states op is self employed.

Can I just say that you have absolutely hit the nail on the head?! Everything you wrote is exactly me and what has happened til this point. I'm going to read up on it now, I bloody need the help.

Did you have experience with this or?

Yes, if you both work, you should be entitled to the 30 hours funding for childcare. This is term-time only, but some nurseries that are open all year round let you spread the funding across the year - it works out around 20 hours per week.

If this is the case, you could move your child to a nursery that’s open all year round, meaning you’d only have one child at home so your life should be easier.

I also agree with the comments that your DH should be doing his share of the housework and not leaving it all up to you! No wonder you feel frazzled when you are effectively doing three jobs (working & childcare & household) while he does one.

I don’t have ADHD, but I know that I found working around DH’s hours/ childcare during lockdown difficult - it affected my focus in all areas, not just work. And that was with one five-year-old, not two toddlers! I mean this kindly, but I think it is/ will become unsustainable to continue working without childcare for both, especially if you move from being self-employed to working for an employer, as you have mentioned.