I am currently sobbing on the bathroom floor

[PenisFlyTrap]

We're 27 days into the summer holidays with 20 days to go until my older DD goes back to nursery and I just can't cope anymore.

My DDs are 3 and 1, I'm self employed working from home so I do all the daytime childcare and fit work around DH's working hours so he can have the kids while I'm working. My mum has the kids for 5 or 6 hours every other Friday, my in laws take the 3yo for a couple of hours every week but can't cope with the 1yo which is fair enough. That's all the childcare I have and I appreciate it's more than some people have.

My house is a tip and I'm running round in circles trying to clean and tidy it but it's hard with two toddlers under my feet all day every day - but I know other mums of young children whose homes are nowhere near as disgusting as mine so why can't I do it

Doesn't help that I'm in the process of pursing an ADHD diagnosis for myself, I've always been like this but since having kids the disorganisation has got steadily worse and having them both running around winding each other up for weeks has tipped me over the edge

DH and I have looked at our finances and we just can't afford any more childcare - DD is only entitled to 15 hours so we top it up to give her three full days a week at nursery and that's stretching our budget as it is. I have a job interview lined up (flexible working from home in an admin role) which may change things but until then we are where we are

I don't even know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this, I think I just want some non judgement support and there's no one I can talk to irl who doesn't judge me

You are not useless you are overwhelmed.

I have dyslexia diagnosed since I was a child and a few other bits suspected but I'm not going to follow up those.

I need to be organised. I can see it now when I was depressed/ very overwhelmed the house turned into a state.

It takes a while but if you can get it all organised so that it is very easy to 'reset' rooms it will make life easier.

In the living room, I have a large box where the toys live. At the end of they day they are all thrown in there = Clean living room to relax

Dishwasher, I used to only use it once a day but now I turn it on twice if needed. I know it's better to handwash some things but everything goes in there. It is emptied 1st thing in the morning so all new dirty dishes can go in there and keep the kitchen clear

Laundry, sounds like a PITA but do a load every time there is a full load. Use colour catchers I try to separate whites but throw everything else in. I get up, I put the wash on. I hang it out. Fold that evening on the couch.

Food, sounds like work but do a food/meal plan. I do my online shop on a Monday and decide what we will eat for the week and but the stuff I need to do that. Takes the all day thinking 'what to cook' away. Also a few things in the freezer helps.

If you can afford it I bought a robot vaccum on the prime day it's actually brilliant.

Keep a cloth beside the bathroom sink and give the sink/ counter a quick wipe as you go.

Extra storage for kids rooms. Kallax from Ikea is great.

Clutter for me is evil. It clutters my whole brain, I get overwhelmed and do nothing. I still have things from my home place that I need to sort out but they live in a big boxes and I will get to them. Because when I start doing that I get very much so distracted and hours can pass.

I listen to an audiobook when cleaning. You and DH could get a lot done in 30 mins together.

I found realising it doesn't need to be perfect helped. I could get side tracked and spend 2 hours scrubbing the window frames or some stupid crap like that.

Also keeping focuses, I still go off on tangents but if you are cleaning the kitchen try and stay focused on that 1 area. Then move on. Give yourself mini goals.

First of all you need to just take a step back and breathe, cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself. You want the best for your kids or you wouldn’t be so emotional and that is amazing and that will help bring you the motivation to do this. Harness this feeling of dread and despair and weaponise it into being the driving force to get you to where you need to be. You CAN do this. Being a parent of one child is hard let alone two little ones especially being ND.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and life will not be like this forever I promise. One day in a not too distant future your children will be at school or grown and your house will be just how you want it because kids are a blessing but they are hard work, energy grabbing mess monsters as well as all the wonderful that they are too. You will look at this as a low point in your life but that is all it will be, a bad memory.

Try and break bigger jobs down into smaller jobs so they are manageable. The areas you need to prioritise are your kitchen where you cook food and eat as well as the bathroom because these are hygiene stations in your house. Your fridge, cooker, microwave, sink and table are your hot spots to focus on here. As well as sink, toilet and shower in your bathroom. You also need to make sure your children have proper spaces to sleep that are free of clutter with the exception of favourite sleeping toys.

If your husband is unwilling or unable to help involve your oldest and turn it into a game of how quickly she can tidy her and her sisters toys etc - storage is always your friend here.
Kids are inquisitive at this age and keen to learn lots of new things, use this to your advantage. Also see if any friends or family are willing to pitch in. Take any help you can get and don’t ever be ashamed of it because everyone needs help in life.

Grab some black bags and bag up everything that you haven’t used in the past three months/doesn’t/never will get used and anything that doesn’t make your life easy. Just pick up an object, be really strict with yourself and if it doesn’t bring joy or a huge help then let it go. Decluttering your house is godly for the soul and will always help keep things clean. Then it’s just a case of giving stuff a quick dust every so often or a spray and a wipe down. Even having (non refuse) items piled up in black bags in an corner of a room until you can remove it is better than it being everywhere. Try and keep this to one room or one section of the room.

After that you can tackle the rest of it but make lists and reward yourself per so many jobs or x amount of time you put in. Focus on one room per day or weekend or whatever you can cope with.

Once it’s sorted then maintaining and keeping on top of things is a dream and the satisfaction of the finished result is so rewarding and good for your self esteem.

Lemon juice and lemon haves are amazing at cutting through grease and some vinegar in a spray bottle works amazing too especially on glass. A small amount of ideally antibacterial washing up liquid in a bottle with warm water goes a long way and it’s all cheap too if you can’t afford big spends on
branded cleaning products. If you can, grab yourself some microfibre cloths they’re reusable and fab for all sorts of jobs.

You got this mama, good luck.

Bloody hell!

If that's your mum's idea of 'helping'...

If you think routines would help, have a look for the Organised Mum Method

I know this might be difficult to organise with your ADHD but I would try to make your life as simple as possible for the next few weeks especially and the next year (before oldest goes to school) as you can.

Food. Convenience food. Bagged salad, ham and cheese wraps, anything quick while not being junk food ideally.

Mess. Try to isolate the kids to one space so the can't mess up the whole house. Or go out for the day as pp suggest. Then after bed time or when dh back. One of you nip around to do the general cleaning, hoovering, bathrooms etc.

As a former messy person myself I can recommend having less stuff generally. Also a big toy box that all the kids stuff goes into. No organisation needed and its out of sight out of mind. Get the kids to help tidy before bed each night.

Not including the kitchen i probably only do a couple of hours of cleaning a week. Bathrooms aren't the cleanest and dust accumulates a bit but its fine. I have two small children and a my own freelance part time business to run. No one expects a show home.

Cut yourself some slack. When you have the kids you can't be expected to do much else. When my two were small I just about managed a load of washing a day and perhaps loading the dishwasher.

I can’t believe your mother 😵‍💫; what a judgemental cow! And as for reporting you to SS…..
If she cba to give you a hand then I would not let her into your house, meet outside somewhere like the park.
Could you afford a cleaner to come a give the house a thorough going over? Then get your husband to take on certifications tasks so you at least get some things done?
i still can’t believe any mother would do what yours has done, I’d hate to come across her as my HV!

My husband and DC have adhd, what I’ve noticed is that things take them longer to do as they don’t think ahead or multi task. Things like, if you’re going upstairs to get something, take something upstairs whilst you go, making breakfast, empty dishwasher at the same time. Kids are having a bath, take the cleaning stuff up with you and clean the loo at the e same time.

what happens at the weekend. One of you needs to take the kids out whilst the other cleans.

little children are hard. It’s probably at its worst at the moment.

AdHD management needs lists and routine.

The one thing I would say is don't set yourself too many tasks to do because that is setting yourself up to fail and have a meltdown.

Work out daily tasks. Something different every day. And work out what the priority is. Set a realistic length of time for each task.

Can you afford a cleaner once a fortnight? That's what we do, no way we could afford weekly, but once a fortnight is doable. That means that things I'll never get round to otherwise (bathroom, skirting boards, basically anything upstairs) gets done at least fortnightly. Then in between all we need to stay in top of is keeping surfaces hygienic, occasionally putting hoover round.

Anything non essential just doesn't get done except for special occasions! Clean windows, never!
We do 30 mins after the 3 year old is in bed - pick up toys, wipe down, etc, and that just has to be enough. Washing gets done one handed (baby in other arm) whenever I can.

I'm really sorry, OP, you sound so stressed out. I haven't really got any advice for you but I can see that other posters having some brilliant tips that they've posted.

Your mum reporting you is bad. Talking to you about her concerns and offering practical help would be great but reporting you... wow.

Just showing solidarity I guess. It's really tough sometimes and please don't think that everybody lives in pristine serenity all the time, I certainly don't.

You say your dh is working (presumably full time) and thst he helps with the kids, but don't say what is he doing to help around the house?

If you can't afford childcare could you afford cleaner as a one off, so you can then keep on top of it?

have a look at the Organised Mum Method
https://www.theorganisedmum.blog/tomm/

I have found it very helpful in structuring housework so it doesn’t completely overwhelm. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

I hope your mums intentions come from a good place, as on the face of it they sound controlling and unhelpful. I would be limiting my time with her tbh, sounds like she is beating you with a stick rather than actually helping.

How many hours a week are you trying to work?
I'm not surprised you are stretched thin.
Apart from Childcare, what does DH do? Because you are basically averaging 3 hours Childcare a week (the inlaws taking one doesn't really count). So if you work 20 hours, and DH 40, he should be doing at a third of the tidying and cleaning.

It is really hard staying on top of everything with ADHD, I don’t have any kids and struggle sometimes so I can’t imagine how hard it is with two little ones.

If you’re planning routines, try to identify your productive periods and work around them. I used to plan routines by copying other people’s but I’ve realised my best time is the morning (I’m medicated) and evenings, pushing through in the afternoon just sends me over the edge.

I also find baskets really useful - it sounds stupid but it’s so much easier to migrate stuff to at least the right rooms if I can group them as I find them/use them and make one trip. It helps reduce the overwhelming mess and saves time too, if I take each mug/plate down to the sink I’ll get distracted every trip so I have a plastic small basket and take it to the sink when I’m going to the kitchen anyway.

I know this is very much sticking plaster advice when you need actual practical support but I’ve found managing life with ADHD is endless building small habits to make things easier. Hopefully children’s services and/or your HV can provide the actual practical support so things can get better for you.

When I asked my health visitor for help she asked why my mum wasn’t helping more! (She lives 200 miles away)

Jesus can't believe your mum did that!!! How much annual leave has your husband taken this holiday?? Couldn't you have taken leave as well at a different time so that most of the 6 weeks were covered? I'm a single parent with toddler twins - I try and do a room a day in terms of cleaning before or after working full time - meals are quick easy prep ones and easy tidy up - once they are asleep which could be 9pm then I might stick a wash on so that in the morning it then goes in the tumble dryer

Dare I ask what your husband is doing to help keep on top of the house?

Could you switch to a nursery and put both kids in 3 mornings a week all year round?

If your mum thinks the state of the house is bad enough to call SS then that suggests things are really really bad.

Where in the UK are you? There's some geographical charities and services I know of who could help. Feel free to PM me.

I can’t clean at the same time as looking after my children either (same ages as yours). I can just about manage to empty/load the dishwasher and put a wash on.

I don’t see it as a failing to be honest.

Also, you are the 1 year old’s full time career and you work as well? So it’s not like you can catch up on housework when they’re asleep/when your DH has them?That sounds incredibly challenging.

Sorry OP. It somethings got to give here. You don't say what the chore divide between you and your DH is. What happens at weekends, You can't afford any childcare? Could you DH do his job and look after the children?

I suggest that you start by resetting. You and your DH take a day or two off whilst grandparents have the children and you blitz the house and get laundry etc up to date. Then you plan how chores and tidying up etc is going to work going forward. Can laundry be outsourced? Can you get a cleaner in?

Your DH needs to be made to understand that the current situation cannot continue and alternatives need to be found.

As well as the rigid routines could you afford a one off several hours cleaning for a deep clean - same time the laundry goes to your Mums and gets done so it's more of a "fresh start".

Also ready for the clean a massive declutter?

That would be you and DH together achieving this?

How much time is your DH taking off over the holidays as he will have around 6 weeks a year (unless self employed)

It’s so hard when they are tiny it feels impossible to get anything done and you get no down time at all!

Your mum is horrific. Mine would have sat with DC whilst I did some cleaning or she would have done it herself. Don’t let her in anymore if that’s her idea of help and support. She is making it far worse for you.

I found doing one room a day on a set day a week the best way to get stuff done when they are little, like the organised mum stuff. It means at least one room in the house is always tidy! At least one wash a day and put away the day before’s washing. Toys get thrown in a large storage bench in the living room at the end of the day. Gives the illusion of tidy!

This is from the organised mum, might help you get started? Tick off as you go and it might keep you on track if it works with your ADHD?

Agree with taking them out both morning and afternoon. It wears them out and stops them creating mess at home!

I only have 1DS but he was a nightmare if he didn't get out and above and burn off his energy so that's how it was I til he was about 4 I think.

Definitely ask a friend to help - I used to take out a friends DS as well as he was similar and she was a single parent.

And yet you had svthird child???? I struggled with 1 so I stopped. Still struggling!

No, I have two children, not three