Could you have a night out when baby was 6 months old?

[Mothalina]

I'm a FTM and my wonderful DD is nearly 6 months old. Before her birth I bought my OH tickets to see our favourite band. (To give our relationship context, we got together during the first lockdown so never really got the chance to enjoy dates/gigs together. But we listened to this band throughout lockdown and they mean a lot to us.) I hoped by the time our child was 6 months old we'd have figured how to have a night off and asked my mum to babysit 6 months in advance.

Fast forward six months and we're super excited. We've only had one short evening out together since DD's birth, when my mother babysat and DD didn't even wake. This time I leave DD in a happy mood with my mum and with bottles of expressed milk in case she needs a feed to resettle. We walk to venue (20-30 mins by foot) and are there all of 1 hour 20 mins when my mum text to say DD has woken from her cot, is inconsolable and will I come home. I call and can just hear DD crying. We rush back and are almost home when mum texts to say DD is asleep in her arms again. There's no re-entry to the gig so that's 120 pounds gone after only seeing a bit of the warm up act. OH agreed we did right thing coming back if my mum was struggling but he was really sad the rest of the night. 😭 To make it worse we could faintly hear gig in distance.

I can't tell if my mum overreacted to dd's crying or not. She did question if she had done the right thing or not. She hasn't really heard her cry strongly like that before because I usually respond to her needs super quickly. I'll add that my mum hasn't been as natural with my dd as I'd hoped. She adores her granddaughter and waited a long time for this first grandchild, but she lives two hours away, gets tired quickly and always assumes dd wants mum/the breast rather than addressing her other needs... I'm afraid I snapped at my mum the next morning. She didn't seem to understand what the gig meant to us and why I was upset.

This probably sounds trivial, I'm obviously thankful my dd is safe and healthy but it's upset me in a way I'm struggling to understand. It has made me feel trapped and anxious that we can't even have a night off together. Were we attempting this too early? Or was I expecting too much from my mum (she's in her 70s)? Maybe I need to build an alternative support network?

It's added to my anxiety about my hen do next year when DD will be 15 months old. My bridesmaids are already organizing a weekend away. Will I even be able to go? DD will have started nursery by then and maybe if she's with her dad and not my mum it will be ok..?

Thanks for reading if you get this far.

Get another baby sitter, you should be blue to go out for 3-4 hours by now

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Can your dh not be there when you're at the hen though? I know what's done is done but could one of you not have stayed at the gig? Yes your mum could have been overreacting but babies are difficult, especially if it's not your own!

@stayathomer thanks for replying. I tried to get him to stay but he wanted to come with me. Yes he will be with her while I'm on the hen.

Did you do that thing where you say “ any problems call us , if she won’t take her Feed call us, if she gets really upset call us , if she won’t settle call us, we’re only down the road…………” because if you did your mum would have thought she was doing the right thing .

Ah brilliant he'll be there. You'll be totally fine then!!

Each to their own, it depends a lot on you/your baby and your support network/family.

My DD was breastfed. She wouldn't have coped at 6 months as she never took any form of feeding such as bottle/spoon/tiny baby sip cup given by doctors. Just breast. I didn't leave her overnight until 1 year old. Weaning was hard due to a huge number of serious allergies that emerged so breastfeeding was significant until a year old.

At 15 months she wouldn't have coped a full weekend away from me or DH, but an overnight would have been absolutely fine with my parents (50/60s) - maybe a day and a half - and no would I get called back unless it were a huge emergency.

She frequently stays with my parents overnight if we have a wedding or event now- she's nearly 3.

She would NOT have coped with non immediate family, for any time period. I'm autistic and she is similar in personality - very wary of those unknown to her. Settling her to nursery at 1 year old was hard work 🫠

So - essentially, it really depends on your child, their needs and who is caring for them!

@WhatWhereWhenHowWhy Thank you for your message, this is really interesting and does make me feel better to remember how individual all babies are. What some parents can do, won't work for others. And it's no ones fault.

We start weaning this week, you're so right if there are allergies that could make things more tricky in the future. Hopefully she won't. Sorry to hear you've had so many to manage.

DD has taken a bottle from my mum before. I think she just isn't used to being resettled at night by someone that's not me or her dad.

I can see why you're disappointed, but your mum did the right thing. I would personally take comfort in knowing that a babysitter wanted to bring comfort to a small baby as quickly as possible, you'd be amazed at how many would ignore them!

So don't be hard on your mum, and learn to go with the flow a bit. babies like to call the shots and that's their right for the first few years at least. You may have an "easy baby" who will settle in most circumstances, or you may not. Either way, the phase passes in a blink and you will be free again one day!

Can completely see why you were both disappointed. I have a 6 month old too and I'll be honest, there have been a couple of occasions where grandparents have had him in the evening to allow me some time off, and I've only heard about the crying when I got back as they wanted me to enjoy the time off and knew there was no real danger. I guess all situations are different and as previous poster said, depends what you said to your mum about calling you and for what. My little one was absolutely fine, although at the time she as crying. X

This would be my question? Or from your description is your mum the anxious type?

Obviously your mum was doing you a favour but it was a big night out and it’s natural to be really fed up to be called back just because a six month old was a crying.

I would apologise to your mum for snapping, explaining how much it meant. If she’s not generally anxious get her to do a bit more sitting (like once a month) so she gets used to it, or if she is, find someone else.

Date nights are really important and in your daughters long term interest.

I can understand why you’re disappointed but I think your Mum did the right thing. You probably wouldn’t have been happy either if you got home and found your baby was crying for hours even if your Mum was doing her best to console them and she didn’t know which way it would go when she called you. 6 months is quite young for leaving them with someone who is not a primary caregiver and hasn’t spent a lot of time with them and practiced settling them at night.

My DD is 13 months and we still haven’t had a night out together although we have each had nights out separately.

The trip at 15 months will be fine as long as Dad has plenty of practice settling the baby without breastfeeding at night.

Yeah, if I'd been your babysitter I would have battled on unless I was genuinely worried there was a medical problem. A baby with all their important needs met crying in arms is going to be fine, even if it's not fun for the caregiver.

But it's likely that it's a long time since your mum had sole care of a baby. This kinda happened to me - my DPs took care of my 6 week old overnight and despite having raised 6 of their own and being experienced doctors, they'd simply forgotten how much small babies cry and were convinced there was something "wrong". (They didn't call me, but they weren't far off calling another medical professional.)

It sucks, but try not to dwell on it, and ask a more experienced babysitter next time.

We had the same, my mum looked after our DD whilst we went to a gig, my mum has her twice a week whilst I'm at work and she wouldn't settle for anything which in turn upset our 5yr old and we had to leave before the band came on, within 5 mins of getting home she was asleep on me, it is what it is ....I've recently had 2 nights in hospital and she was fine with her Dad, although I never facetime her as she'd then get upset

My mum and my MiL wouldn't have said anything and would have just cracked on with it. But that's their decision, and your mum didn't feel comfortable doing so. I can see why you're disappointed though, don't let it put you off trying again. Everyone needs a night off.

We could, and did. Both my MIL and my parents were confident babysitters and happy to handle any upset my son threw their way - not that there were tons on the few times we did it, but there will have been some tears.

It sounds like the issue here is your mum's level of comfort with dealing with your baby when she's upset. Before you try going out again it would be useful to have a conversation with her and to understand where she's at - is she only happy to mind your child if they're asleep and/or content (in which case it sounds like probably not the person to babysit unless its for something local where you haven't paid a ticket price)? Or is it that she lacks confidence on how to deal with upsets or worries that you'd want to know that she hasn't settled - in which case it'd be a case of running her through the options for dealing with tears and discussing boundaries of when you'd expect a call.

I haven't left my little one yet other than with dad he's 7 months, I wouldn't want for him to be upset and not be around to comfort him yet so id want to be called straight away (can see why you wouldn't though!)
Maybe the trapped and anxious feeling needs a bit more consideration maybe more day time activities away from your baby if you need it, nights are always going to be harder for them because it's so abnormal for it not to be you or dad settling them at night.

I went out 3 weeks after birth 😶 Friends 40th birthday party and I was desperate for some normality.

In your situation, I'd look for an alternative babysitter. My regular sitters (both family) would never have called, they would have battled on through it. The times I've come back to find kids crash out on the sofa at midnight because that's just what they had to do to get through!

DC1 would have been fine
DC2 absolutely not, didn't take a bottle and wasn't left overnight by me until he was almost 2 but he was a oandemic baby so no opportunity or need. He's now 3.5 and is off camping with my mum for 2 nights!
DC3 would have been fine but he was prem and I was anxious about leaving him when he was small, he's 20m now and still BF but can be very happily left day or night!

You and your DH are an expert on your baby, you’ve been there constantly since she was born. If your DM hasn’t seen her that much she doesn’t know what’s normal etc for her and your DD won’t respond to her as well. I probably wouldn’t feel that comfortable looking after someone’s 6 month old unless I had spent an awful lot of time with them first.

I’m absolutely not against leaving babies, I left my own DS with my mum overnight when he was 4 months old - however she has seen him a lot (lives 5 mins away) so was very confident with him.

I completely get the feeling trapped bit. It does get better though. Once the baby sleeps through the night it’s much easier to get sometime to babysit as all they need to do is stay in your house while the baby sleeps.

My personal thoughts and what l did.. onlyb had one night out on our own until my daughters stopped breast feeding .. when they were two years old.. and the one night was because my sister had her daughter also breast feeding so she offered to breast feed mine. I was still anxious.. and although she offered again .. l didn't.. my babies came first.. we took them with us if we wanted to go anywhere.. where l breast fed wherever and whenever..

My ebf baby did a sleepover 6 months when we were away for a wedding but my mum was very assured with baby care.

She would co-sleep, snuggle and bounce and knew that all her needs were met even if she was a little bit unsettled. My DD took milk in a sippy cup quite young so we knew she was fed. We went through a patch of DD’s sleep being so broken that it wasn’t fair on either of them to do this past about 8 months and have only just resumed sleepovers again now. She has babysat on evenings though, at least 1-2 a month so we can go out.

It was very of nice of your mum to offer but she clearly isn’t very confident. I wouldn’t trust her as a babysitter with high stakes such as concerts or weddings where there will be money wasted or difficulty coming home. Some people are only happy to mind babies/kids when they are snoozing but struggle if they show any sign of being unsettled.

I would keep any babysitting to a short outing in the day just to build her confidence (if she wants) and to get her and DD used to each other. I wouldn’t put a big evening on her again, unless you are literally nipping to the pub down the road and can nip home no harm done.

I went away for a night when my DD was 6 months. Was my first time away and I had the best time. Didn't miss her at all and she was absolutely fine with her dad!

Time away is so important x

It is really start leaving baby - for everyone involved!

Don't be disheartened though l, put it down to an unlucky one-off and try again. Maybe something less expensive next time, a meal in a local restaurant? Do you have a local pub? Easier to leave half a pint and head back if needed.

Agree with others that mum might not be up to the babysitting task and that's fine. Could you afford a baby sitter?

My MIL is invaluable in giving us time off from baby, but she is heavily involved and lives locally - baby sees her 2-3 times a week. So baby is in familiar company and MIL knows what she's doing.

I think this is important- baby needs regular contact with the sitter to feel comfortable. Basically, you need to go out more not less! Start local, low key and work your way up to your girls holiday :)

It's vital you find a way to peel off for a while, for your sanity <3

Sorry I didn't read your post properly. Your mum overreacted, my MIL would be the same. She's also quick to say baby needs BF/mum. It's hard work. I'm sure your partner will be able to cope just fine and you'll be able to go away stress free x