Could you have a night out when baby was 6 months old?

[Mothalina]

I'm a FTM and my wonderful DD is nearly 6 months old. Before her birth I bought my OH tickets to see our favourite band. (To give our relationship context, we got together during the first lockdown so never really got the chance to enjoy dates/gigs together. But we listened to this band throughout lockdown and they mean a lot to us.) I hoped by the time our child was 6 months old we'd have figured how to have a night off and asked my mum to babysit 6 months in advance.

Fast forward six months and we're super excited. We've only had one short evening out together since DD's birth, when my mother babysat and DD didn't even wake. This time I leave DD in a happy mood with my mum and with bottles of expressed milk in case she needs a feed to resettle. We walk to venue (20-30 mins by foot) and are there all of 1 hour 20 mins when my mum text to say DD has woken from her cot, is inconsolable and will I come home. I call and can just hear DD crying. We rush back and are almost home when mum texts to say DD is asleep in her arms again. There's no re-entry to the gig so that's 120 pounds gone after only seeing a bit of the warm up act. OH agreed we did right thing coming back if my mum was struggling but he was really sad the rest of the night. 😭 To make it worse we could faintly hear gig in distance.

I can't tell if my mum overreacted to dd's crying or not. She did question if she had done the right thing or not. She hasn't really heard her cry strongly like that before because I usually respond to her needs super quickly. I'll add that my mum hasn't been as natural with my dd as I'd hoped. She adores her granddaughter and waited a long time for this first grandchild, but she lives two hours away, gets tired quickly and always assumes dd wants mum/the breast rather than addressing her other needs... I'm afraid I snapped at my mum the next morning. She didn't seem to understand what the gig meant to us and why I was upset.

This probably sounds trivial, I'm obviously thankful my dd is safe and healthy but it's upset me in a way I'm struggling to understand. It has made me feel trapped and anxious that we can't even have a night off together. Were we attempting this too early? Or was I expecting too much from my mum (she's in her 70s)? Maybe I need to build an alternative support network?

It's added to my anxiety about my hen do next year when DD will be 15 months old. My bridesmaids are already organizing a weekend away. Will I even be able to go? DD will have started nursery by then and maybe if she's with her dad and not my mum it will be ok..?

Thanks for reading if you get this far.

*It's really hard to start leaving baby

Yes def but helped that dd now 6 was sleeping 7/7 by 4mths so rarely woke

Babysitting her was easy for my friends

No mum/mil about 🥲

So start as someone said. Small - local. Drink out

Good to be moth and mr moth again and not just mum and dad

Your mum is new to this kind of babysitting too. The more she does it the more relaxed she will get. It won't be like this forever. The early years fly by.

My DD is 5 months and we haven't had a night away from her yet as she will not take a bottle. Even if she did I do not have anyone I can leave her with. My parents are in their 70s and I believe would struggle. I think you should be grateful for your mother and apologize to her for snapping. How you're feeling is totally normal and unfortunately part of motherhood. Your mother was obviously struggling and did what she felt was right. For your hen have your partner babysit and you'll be fine

Not necessarily anyone’s fault but I’d have been mega pissed off. Probably wouldn’t ask her to babysit for anything even vaguely high stakes again, the stress of worrying if she was coping just wouldn’t be worth it.

The first time is always going to be the worse if they wake up and there used to going back with mum and dad
and your mum probably thought was doing the best thing but
this also proves baby was fine and went back to sleep fine

so you need to just keep going have a few other things planned and let your baby be left with just dad every week if you can. He is her dad so should be able to do everything you can don’t let him not as I’ve seen time and time mums trapped because dad doesn’t do bedtimes etc

Babies need time to get used to new things the same as anyone else. I would give it a few weeks and try again, something a bit less high stakes this time though. So a dinner at a restaurant down the road, where it won't matter so much if you have to come back earlier. Your mum and baby will get the hang of each other if you give them the opportunity to do that. Just because it didn't quite work out this time, doesn't mean that going out is now cancelled forever.

I couldn't have left mine at 6 months as she was very clingy with me so just it wouldn't have been fair (on the babysitter!).

That said, I do think your mum overreacted and probably panicked because she'd not seen your baby so upset before. I think people can sometimes forget how intense babies crying can actually be. I don't think she should have called you personally, given you'd only have been out for a couple more hours, but I think she likely got flustered.
How much time does your baby spend with her normally? If she's 2 hours away I'm guessing not loads? Maybe try and build it up and then next time you try DD might be calmer as she'll know your mum as a carer. Also she'll be a bit older, which definitely helps.

I am in no way saying you’re wrong for wanting a night out at 6 months because every baby is individual and moves at their own pace but… 6 months is still very young in their development and it’s tough for all involved.

for you because you’re giving over control of the most precious thing in your life…. For your mum because she’s probably acutely aware that she’s looking after your pride and joy and for the baby who can’t communicate what she needs effectively yet (you’ve just learned what she needs through being a fantastic mummy).

I think you absolutely did the right thing on all counts and it’s so great you tried - it’s really important to find time for yourselves. Sometimes unfortunately it doesn’t work out but it will again.

we had our DS just Before the first lockdown so an outing when he was so young wasn’t an option for us but we’d have absolutely tried if we could!

Try not to worry about your Hen - 15 months is a whole different ballgame there!! She’ll be much more robust, be able to communicate more, maybe even talking, god willing sleeping through so things will be Easier all round.

the anxiety and the nerves never go but slowly and surely you sort of get used to it. Our DS is 3.5 - perfectly capable of being left with family overnight. My parents have him for a 2 night sleepover this week (they’re off away for 3 weeks and want some quality time with him before they go) and even though I know he sleeps well, can communicate very clearly what’s bothering him and is pretty hardy…. I’m still nervous!

But you will be ok and I really hope you try again really soon!

I realise I just made that sound like his first family sleepover at 3.5 - it’s not!

It's a tricky one as I think if she felt uncomfortable/nervous then it was right to call you, but I'd say its a sign that perhaps she's not the best person to babysit, not as she isn't capable but just as it seems its not something she feels confident to do. It's a shame your night out was ruined, hope you get to have some time together again soon.

6 months is not too early at all. Don't be worrying about that.

I don't think your mum overreacted at all. I've been in the situation when minding a family baby that they were unsettled and wouldn't go back down. It was so stressful, the more stressed I got, the more stressed the baby got. Perhaps when your mother knew you were on the way home she relaxed a bit which the baby picked up on. I would hate to think of the baby being stressed out at home, or the babysitter being stressed out either! It is frustrating that your night didn't go as planned but these things happen.

Maybe next time try going out for a few drinks or something that is easy to leave from, and it'll build up your mams confidence and your comfort leaving them.

Yeah I went to a gig with exdp when dd (pfb) was 3 months, we had to travel too, went up for Christmas and left her with my sister for the night. It was fine, apparently dd was very settled. Same sister left her dd with me when I was a very green teenager, for the night when her dd was 1 month old, to get some sleep. It was fine, niece was fine (I didn't sleep was 18 and too nervous haha).

Ah it's tough because it's so individual. With both my DC, I couldn't/ can't (ds2 is also 6 months) leave them in the evening as they both want(ed) me. Both breastfed and need(ed) it to go back to sleep. I did leave ds2 last week for 3 hours in the day though and he was absolutely fine as daytime is easier for some reason and dh carries him for naps in the carrier.

You could try again but otherwise waiting a wee bit also won't hurt. It may feel like forever just now, but time really does fly and soon you'll be able to go out again!

I was a first time mum once & feel your pain! Honestly 6 months is not too young but 70 is too old. I would suggest paying for a professional - try a few and find one your like. My PIL are in their 70's and I would never leave them for more than a couple of hours with the kids and certainly not for anything important. By 15 months though you'll have no issues as they'll be eating and probably talking and walking so can communicate their needs much better.

No, I couldn’t of left DD at 6 months. We were still co-sleeping. She’s almost 4 and I haven’t wanted to leave her yet. I wouldn’t also expect my parents, also in their 70’s to babysit.

My friend had the opposite experience recently with her MIL NOT letting her know how distressed baby was- they returned home at 11pm after cinema and baby had been screaming and not feeding almost the whole time and the older kids had been kept awake. They are so cross that despite being told to call them if she was very upset the MIL didn't tell them. So it's hard to know what to do! If she had still been very very upset you'd have been glad you came home. Let the gig go- it won't be the first or last thing you'll miss out on due to being a parent.

For your child free date nights I would trial a new, local babysitter that you can use gradually for short periods of time - your mum lives so far away she doesn't sound that familiar to your daughter. It was probably a big shock for her to see her. Also once you start nursey often nursery staff do baby sitting too- that would be a great option.

There is no point now stressing about the hen who knows what kind of sleeper she'll be in a years time- but a good back up plan is your husband and baby go to a hotel in the same town and you can go to her if you really need to. Very unlikely you'll need that though if she's with her dad

This

I did and from an early age. He had his first sleepover at 6 weeks but I also didn't breastfeed which made that aspect easier.

Hopefully it was just a one off, if you are wanting to go away for the weekend next year I'd just be sure she has plenty of opportunities to have time away from you including a few 'practice runs' so she is more than ready when you need her to be.

Sorry - this post shouldn't be here. I meant to start a new thread. I've asked for it to be removed

You will be able to go out again if you can find the right person to babysit. Given your daughter was asleep by the time you came home it sounds like you could have stayed, but clearly your mum was anxious about the crying. You probably need someone who will be happier.

I don’t know, all babies are different. My first was highly sensitive and it took way over a year before we could have gone out.

I think you are being too hard on your mum. This is the first time your DD has been aware you & dad were gone. (She slept through the 1st night out and the gig was #2 night out). Your DD isn’t used to you being gone for hours at a time yet. She will get used to it if you start to go out regularly.

I did with all of mine and by 6months was away on 1-2 week business trips, so a few hours is certainly attainable for your DD.

Really torn about this
On the one hand to wait months for a favourite band and be in the arena and then go home because you can’t see them … so frustrating !! To then find baby is fine by the time you get back- yeah I’d be pissed off too.
However it sounds like your mum was not confident in looking after baby on her own yet and maybe it would have been good to work up to that point, so she felt more confident. It sounds like she thought she was doing the right thing. She didn’t want to do looking after your child wrong. That is something you absolutely should thank her for.

Did she realise how much the gig meant to you ? Has she had to soothe baby before ? I agree it is easier if she’s spent more time with baby.
I agree that as parents/ grandparents get older they can’t cope as well with young children and visits are best supervised until children are old enough to not need ‘babysitting’ . Not because of lack of trust or anything, I think they just often can’t cope with the pace and can get cross and stressed easily. (Obviously lots of exceptions to the rule).