I lost it and hit my child. Please tell me I’m not alone/help me feel better

[alrightbab]

I am feeling terrible. Please don’t make me feel worse 😭

after being wound up something rotten by my eldest child (repeatedly, over many hours), I slapped his bottom. He cried. I cried. It was awful. Lots of hugs and apologising but of course I still feel dreadful. I am masssively sleep deprived with newborn and just lost it.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has done this. I follow a load of gentle parenting people online and can’t help thinking about all those posts where people say that merely shouting at your child negatively impacts their brain development and I’ve done something so much worse.

if you’ve read this far and this also happened to you how did you manage to stop it happening again?

solidarity with anyone else feeling like the worst ever parent

There was no harm in it! I was a well looked after child and very much loved. A smacked bum is fine imo

I am 70 years old and I remember getting spanked as a child. I love my parents dearly and know they loved me. What did I learn from spankings? Don't sneak up behind your brother and try to push him in the bonfire. Don't put a kitten in grandma's hair when she is taking a nap.
I did spank my children some. DD1 could listen and understand, she did not need spanking. DS1 was smacked (one open hand on the bottom) twice -- He is now 21 years old. I asked him if he remembered it and he said yes. I asked what he remembered about it and he said: "I learned don't stick pencils in the wall sockets and don't bite someone when they are talking on the phone." He seems to still love me too.
It was just a smack on the bottom OP -- don't sweat it.

Yes like others I did it once and never again! It’s awful but all you can do is apologise and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I also think in a way this is where a lot of the Instagram/tiktok “gentle parenting” people let parents down. It is not realistic to never shout or lose your temper, and I think all that bottling it up and pressure to be perfect and reasonable and validating feelings at all times is MORE likely to lead to parents cracking. Far better to stick your child in time out for 3 minutes and let yourself breathe.
( for what it’s worth there is plenty of research that proper use of time out does
not damage kids and it’s a part of nearly every research backed parenting program so no idea why it’s suddenly the new thing to fear monger about)

Why do you keep mentioning Scotland? We've got it, thanks for the info

I mentioned it twice and only to avoid generalising to the rest of the UK (or the rest of the world for that matter as I don't know what the laws are there).

I don't know a single parent who hasn't smacked their children at some point. And this is all otherwise sensible, working parents.
I've never lost it with a colleague as I am not responsible for them.

Some of us live in Scotland? Bizzare comment, how would we know where the OP lives. Bet you wouldn't have said "why do you keep mentioning England" is the poster had said "it's fine OP, smacking isn't even illegal in England".

OP - hitting a child is inexcusable. You know that. Develop some coping strategies to make sure that it doesn't happen again. One time I was angry at my child and, because I was angry and less in control of my movements, I pushed him instead of gently moving him out of the way of the door. I felt terrible and developed ways of staying calm now. Key way for me is to remember that incident.

That's absurd, I know loads of parents who have never smacked their children. I have never done it, for example. I'm not saying we should demonise OP while she's down, but this level of justifying it is unwarranted.

I really don't think that telling someone that they are basically a terrible parent who has now caused irreversible damage to their child is the way to empower change. A bit of empathy and humanity might go a long way to helping OP ensure she is able to develop the awareness, skills and self-care to not repeat it.

For what it's worth, I was smacked quite regularly, as was almost everyone I knew growing up. I believe it was the wrong thing to do and have chosen not to smack my own children. However, I still don't think OP has messed up their child beyond repair after one incident.

For me, more so than the smacking it was the humiliation aspect that stuck with me. I felt like the end goal was to make me cry (presumably as this would mark the moment I had 'learned my lesson' in their eyes). I have memories of being smacked multiple times if I did not cry the first time. I remember I used to fantasise about being able to stop myself from crying so that they didn't "win".

I also took issue specifically with being smacked on the bum. After I started puberty (very early) my bum started to feel like a private part that shouldn't be touched. I used to wish that they would hit me in the face instead. If any of the "I hit my kids and think its fine" crowd are reading, I implore you to at least be considerate of this as your children grow. The specific kind of discomfort is one I vividly remember and I really wish that I'd had the ability to verbalise it, as I know they would have been horrified.

I have a good relationship with my mum as an adult and hold no ill-feelings towards her about smacking me. I believe that she did not take pleasure in it and was doing it because she genuinely thought it was how children learned to behave. My dad, not so much, but it was his lack of emotional warmth towards me, to put it mildly, that has done that.

OP, smacking your child was wrong. But I truly believe that being able to apologise profusely and genuinely means you are already on the right track. I think the way you deal with your mistakes, how you model this to your child and how you respect your child as a person is the most important thing.

OP, you are knackered and over reacting.

Of course you shouldn’t have smacked him - but you smacked his bottom - as these things go, it’s pretty low on the scale. Most people raised in the 70s or 80s got smacked periodically, and while we know now it’s not the way to parent, they are not walking around damaged.

There are lots of books and website resources about time our techniques. Read those. But get some sleep first, and stop giving yourself a hard time. It’s normal to feel bad for a bit, but you’ve done that - time to move on.

I’m sorry, I really am, but how is this helpful or relevant to the OP?

Well, I really shouldn’t need to explain this, but it’s completely within the context of the thread and the other comments. Why single out mine?

Because you are describing an abusive situation, on a thread that is about a parent loosing it, smacking their child on the bottom and feeling awful about it.

Your experience in this case isn’t helpful or relevant to the OP, and given she’s berating herself, isn’t kind. I’m sorry it happened to you but it’s unfair on the OP to bring it to this thread.

Sorry, but I totally disagree. There is a wide spectrum of opinion on this post, some of which is very blunt towards the OP. Why don’t you tackle those posts instead of telling me I am being unkind?

I agree with this. Every parent I know has done it once and regretted it. Including me. Also very stressed, exhausted with a newborn and it just happened. It wasn’t calculated or a parenting strategy etc. it was a mistake, probably triggered by my own childhood, and it never happened again. I sought therapy and got a bit more help around the house/ to get some more sleep. I also apologised and explained hitting us never acceptable and that it wouldn’t happen again - and it hasn’t.

OP you’re not a monster, you can learn from this

When I was growing up this was common place. However 10 year olds were not having tantrums in public! Maybe there is a cause and effect.

Agreed. That posters mother sounds like mine was.

Im able to see the difference between that, and a smack on the bum the odd time for young children.

You hit a child, why do you deserve to be made to feel better

No one is a perfect parent. I have shouted at my children when I have become overwhelmed and had to apologise. It happens. Just make sure it doesn't happen again - it's not as if you went all out using the tawse OP! Your child will recover, honestly.

You feel crappy about it and that speaks volumes. Some children are dragged up and get hit regularly and don't know any different.

Smacking is illegal in some parts of the UK. Thank goodness.

https://inews.co.uk/news/scotland/smacking-children-in-heat-of-moment-unlikely-to-be-prosecuted-msps-told-264309

Because it's illegal there and isn't elsewhere. Scotland not just leading the way on fanny pads, but smacking as well 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Go away.

I'm sure most parents have been there. As for all these replies 'I got smacked 40 years ago, mum apologised but I'm still traumatised' rubbish. Honestly. Shit happens, apologise, learn from it and move on.
Also, ditch the gentle parenting and read Sarah Naish The A-Z of therapeutic parenting
Far more consistent and appropriate for ND and NT children. It keeps you focused and explains why and how it works.

@Vettrianofan it isn’t elsewhere in the UK, but it definitely is in the rest of Europe bar a couple of countries. I’m in Sweden and it’s been illegal here since 1958. England, Wales and NI are just waaay behind the rest of the western world.