I lost it and hit my child. Please tell me I’m not alone/help me feel better

[alrightbab]

I am feeling terrible. Please don’t make me feel worse 😭

after being wound up something rotten by my eldest child (repeatedly, over many hours), I slapped his bottom. He cried. I cried. It was awful. Lots of hugs and apologising but of course I still feel dreadful. I am masssively sleep deprived with newborn and just lost it.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has done this. I follow a load of gentle parenting people online and can’t help thinking about all those posts where people say that merely shouting at your child negatively impacts their brain development and I’ve done something so much worse.

if you’ve read this far and this also happened to you how did you manage to stop it happening again?

solidarity with anyone else feeling like the worst ever parent

I remember my mum hitting me once when I was small. She apologised and it never happened again. It was one mistake amongst a full childhood of patience and love. I’m absolutely fine and my relationship with my mum is great.

Hitting a child is wrong, you know that. But it’s not the defining moment of his childhood.

I dont know why people post here at times of crisis, they're not going to get support or logical responses

All the comparisons of people leaving their partners if they were hit are somewhat irrelevant unless you think that the parent should now march the child down to social services and leave them in reception to go into care

If not, then apart from making the OP feel like shit when she already feels that way, the only support is about how to work with services/parenting groups/anger management groups so that at times of stress the parent has better strategies, which is what most people do.

My mother regularly slapped me round the face, right up until my mid teens - often publicly. She also used to pull my hair. It has seriously affected our relationship, and it was 100% abusive. The poster attempting to defend this, and anyone backing her up, should be ashamed of themselves.

The purpose was to highlight a hypocrisy in society about how we view violence in different contexts. It was part of a wider conversation wir that is allowed.

I am not suggesting the poster relinquish their child and separately suggested they seek some support.

You smacked his bum. It really isn't a big deal. Don't beat yourself up about it x

Why do you keep bringing it up??

Surely the point of any apology is to say you promising to try not to do it again and you're sorry you hurt them and then draw a line under the situation and move in

Just imagine if your DH kept apologising for stuff that happened ages ago and dragging it all back up again???

So does OP? She made one mistake...it's not like she's coming on here saying she's smacking her kid daily or anything.

Oh well, let's not fucking bother apologising for anything then.

I think I've hit my child twice in her life, both times as a toddler/preschooler. I can't say either time was justified, and that i was more angry with myself than with her. I've yelled loads too, which also made not a bit of difference to the situation we found ourselves in. Every time, I've apologised, because I should have been the example, and not reacted as I had done. We don't yell anymore, and we talk, and sometimes she doesn't like what I have to say, but I hope she knows I feel bad about her early years niw. It was such a stressful, awful time.

All the holier than thou posters: I'm so glad that you have never found yourself in a position of dealing with an out-of-control little person especially when there was no other support. I beat myself up every time there was tears, and fighting, and bad words, because I'd failed her. It takes courage to come on here and say, I hit my child, I feel awful. Of course OP does. We can support her by saying, it's ok, learn from it, seek help if you feel you need to. Not, Well, I have never hit mine and I don't think there's any excuse for it! How does that help? Massive judgy pants on, much?

I’m old enough to remember children being spanked.

I was never smacked nor have I ever smacked my children.

I do remember being on holiday but another family. Child was being naughty so the parent slapped her, she said “didn’t hurt,” so the parent slapped again, girl said “still didn’t hurt.” This would have been over 50 years ago but I remember it vividly. It must have been normal practise in their house, didn’t make it right.

I would suggest taking this thread down OP.

You are looking for vindication, you won’t get that here.

I understand you feel bad but you lost your temper. Hitting out should not be the first reaction.

@DoughnutDreams THANK YOU for mentioning that any form of physical punishment is ILLEGAL in Scotland. It just takes the child to mention it ONCE to someone else (teacher, family member, friend...) and you could be reported.

OP, I don't know where you are (i.e. if you are in Scotland) but I would reach out for some help if your anger/frustration got to this stage. Especially with a newborn in tow as well. Could someone watch your toddler and/or newborn to let yourself get some rest/respite?

Agree

As someone that was regularly smacked as a child by my father I can tell you his emotional abuse and his controlling parenting effected me far worse then his smacks.
I don't condone smacking children, but for those that are condemning the OP because she's admitted she lost her temper briefly, I'd love to know how you raise your children so we can all judge you on (probably) the many ways you psychologically damage your kids without even realising it.

How old is oldest? 3 4 5?
Find a,strategy and get support so you dont hit out
Everyone is tired
Oldest has new sibling to cope with
You are the adult, show how to remain calm
Speak to hv

My ex hit out teenage daughter across the face and that was it for our marriage. There is no way I would tolerate anyone, and even less so a grownup, hitting my children.

It's such an oddity that it seems that people think it's OK for grownups to hit small children who depend on you to survive in this world and to whom you are supposed to model good behaviour. It's also absolutely crazy this is still allowed in England. In the vast majority of European countires this is completely illegal.

You hit a child instead of leaving the room to make yourself calm what the hells wrong with you or what will you do next time when you lose control. I have 3 toddlers and some days it's hard but guess what never in a million years would I think there crying should result in hitting them. I leave the room or stick them in there cots for 10minutes and walk away make a coffee take a breath and start again never ever would I lash out or hit my children!!!Stop trying to down play what you've done lost control !!

Calm down. She smacked his bum. She didn't hit him across face or head.

What does it matter the part of body she hit/smacked? She still smacked her child, which is illegal in Scotland.

I got smacked as a child. It didn't affect me. She doesn't need to be berated for it. Are you perfect. Nobody is perfect.

Some of these responses are very OTT. Of course we shouldn't hit our kids, but there is nothing to be gained by self flagellation. One of my kids had a lot of problems when she was little and was highly aggressive. She would physically attack me daily and a couple of times I did lose it and smack her back.

It was a wake up call for me. I have a quick temper myself and I could see a future of constant whacking. So I got specialist training and support (there is lots out there for adoptive parents, not sure what there is for bio parents). It was bloody hard but I haven't smacked her since and gradually she stopped too. No physical violence in this house for many years now.

IME I was most tempted to smack when I just didn't know what else to do, so having alternative tactics lined up was critical.

Good luck, OP.

I was occasionally smacked. There is only one incident I remember, when my mum was cross for something that wasn't actually my fault. That wasn't great of her. But, we have always had a brilliant relationship and I really don't think it made the slightest difference to that that she occasionally smacked. Perhaps she and I are psychologically lucky. I absolutely do not intend to ever smack my children. But the key is to help the OP (and ourselves) make sure we have strategies in place to make sure it never happens. Not to berate the OP further. Sorry if there have been many constructive posts on that topic but can't see them in all the anger.

OP: no, you are not alone, but fewer and fewer people are doing what you did or see it as acceptable, and it wouldn't be appropriate to 'make you feel better', as that may risk you feeling it wasn't so bad and letting your guard down to do it again one day. Your child may remember this as an upsetting memory, and may not. My MIL hit my middle child in the face when he was about 6 - he doesn't remember it. (She had recently traumatically lost FIL and was mired in shock and grief - no excuse - and we were very cautious re leaving the children with her for a long time after). As a recipient of quite a lot of the standard 80s 'smacking' (terrible euphemism, second only to 'tapping') I do remember the distress and fear of some of these incidents, but more damaging stuff happened at an emotional level.

What you can and should do is take complete responsibility for it and ensure it never happens again. Then your child will forgive you and you will eventually be able to forgive yourself.

@Emmamoo89 I was also smacked as a child...doesn't mean I would do it to my own.

@Ketzele - well done on seeking support when you did! I know! There is so much out there for adoptive and foster parents, but I don't know of anything for biological parents. Maybe because adopted or fostered children have come from abusive families so need adoptive parents who have these skills and tactics in place already.

OP, again, obviously you can't go back and change things, but if things are getting you stressed to the point of smacking your child, I would be reaching out for help in any way, shape or form. Nobody will judge you...sorry if it sounded like I did. All the best!

I have nothing to do with my mother who thought it was ok to lash out and hit me when she was angry. It is not ok to hit anybody, much less the small vulnerable people who look to you for everything. How do you think it makes them feel? It is abuse and should be illegal in all countries.