Obsessed with Sibling Age Gap

[Lexaline]

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for with this post - perhaps just wondering if there is anyone out there feeling similarly.

I have two girls who are almost 5.5 and almost 2. Their age gap is 3.5 years. We had initially attempted closer to a 2.5 year age gap but had a miscarriage and ended up with 3.5 years. I am not sure if the underlying feelings are actually to do with the miscarriage or something else but my feelings about their age gap have only intensified and got worse over time. The weird thing is, the kids seem great, the oldest LOVES the youngest and doesn’t seem to notice that her sister is just that bit younger than her friends’ siblings. She does frequently ask when her sister will be a “big girl” and how old will she be when her sister is X etc etc. But otherwise she seems pretty happy with her sister (so far).

The thing I’m struggling with is feeling totally consumed by and obsessed with age gaps. Every set of siblings I see I am mentally trying to work out their age gaps. Everywhere around me siblings are 2 years apart and it makes me feel abnormal and I just feel like I’ve let my kids down by not giving them a sibling close in age. Although we initially didn’t try for a second until my first was just over 2, I’m now full of sadness and regret that we didn’t start much much earlier, when she was like 6 months old or something. She is the kind of kid who could have handled a new sibling at any age - she’s always been pretty independent from us but so loving towards babies and friendly with other kids. She definitely wishes she had more siblings (once said she wanted 10 more!)

I know there are pros and cons to every age gap and I’ve experienced some of the benefits of the 3.5 year gap already (only one at a time in nappies etc etc) but I can’t help but feel like I missed out on the craziness that it seems everyone else has experienced.

I don’t really know how to come to terms with this and was hoping to find someone to relate to. I’ve read so many posts of people who were worried about an age gap before their second was conceived/born, but nothing really from people who continue to struggle with it well after their second baby was born.

I recognise that I am privileged in that I’ve been able to have a second, and that the gap isn’t so big all things considered, and some people have a much harder time. I just can’t shake this feeling so thought I’d reach out. Thanks for reading this long post.

Can you explain exactly why you think having children two years apart is better than three years apart?

It seems like an odd thing to idealize. It lets the parents get the "toddler years" over with a little bit quicker, but it's probably very slightly worse for the kids, on average; it means they don't get as much parental attention when very young, and there's some evidence that the risk of development disorders goes up when children are closely spaced, possibly as the uterine environment doesn't get as much time to fully recover.

Is the two year age gap ideal a very British thing? Where I'm from, 3-4 years is the most common age gap and everybody aims for that. The reasoning here is that the older one will be in preschool for at least a little while every day and is also more able to wait a little in case the baby needs attention. The older one would have had more time with individual attention from a parent as well and the baby will get that time alone with a parent when the older one is in school.

Most of the sibling sets I've grown up with and also the siblings I see around now, including my own children have that gap and in general it works perfectly well. I really don't think you need to worry.

My DH is 10 years older than his only sibling. They adore each other and have the best relationship! Honestly there are a lot of things to worry about with kids - age gap isn't one of them.

I mean, I'd go for a 2-year gap if I were pushed to do so for "Me" reasons - "I'm 39 and if I want a second baby I need to get on with it," "My career trajectory means that it's much easier for us if I have kids fairly close together."

Without those reasons, I wouldn't go for a gap of less than three years, because I think it's (a tiny bit) less optimal for the kids.

I think the miscarriage you had is playing with your head and making you idealize things that aren't necessary and wouldn't improve your family. Try reframing it in your head as "This gap has given me the opportunity to give a little more of myself to each child."

My DDs are 3.5 years apart and they are very close. 2 years are more common. But they aren’t the only ones with this age gap either. DC2 is in the same class as a handful of DC1 classmates. There are some with an even larger gap. It’s more common now with a larger gap possibly because you won’t have to pay nursery fees for two at the same time.

Also, DC1 is young enough when DC2 were born that she couldn’t remember the time without her sister. Now one is a teen makes the gap feel a little larger than when they were younger in fact. I know this will pass soon and I hope they can stay close together.

When it comes to secondary exams you will be grateful! 2 yes between my sister and me - the year one of us did gcse and the other a levels was a very stressful place to be in our house 😂

In all seriousness you can’t control this - you’ve got 2 amazing children who get on, that is not guaranteed whatever the age gap is!

I wish I had a 3 year gap as one would be out the idiot stage before the other one reached it

Ultimately, it sounds like your children are happy and your family is working really well with the dynamic you have. My brother and I have a 3.5 year age gap and I always thought it meant we got on better growing up - there’s maybe less rivalry when one sibling is noticeably younger? We’re still close now as adults. The slightly obsessive thinking around it does sound as though maybe this could be some unresolved feelings from your miscarriage. It could be worth exploring this with a counsellor or therapist? But you are allowed to feel how you feel! It’s not what you originally pictured or planned for and maybe that’s taking some adjusting to.

I mean this very gently, but I think you might need some therapy to explore your feelings around your miscarriage. Obsessive behaviours become ingrained as a coping mechanism and if they are spoiling your enjoyment of family life then it's a good idea to go and have a chat with someone. Good luck x

There is no 'normal' when it comes to sibling age gaps. Our sons are 5 years apart, my siblings are about 4 years apart, DW's siblings are 2 odd years apart. None of it matters and I'd be amazed if anyone judged the ages of your kids.
Just try to enjoy what you have.

I think 2 year gaps are common in places with (or which historically had) shitty expensive options for preschool childcare so many women chose to stay home for a few years -it gets the staying at home bit out the way quicker which helps financially.
3-4 year gaps are more common in places with free preschools starting at 3-4years, as a past poster said.
The other reason 2 year gaps were common is that if you take no contraception whatsoever but do breastfeed exclusively, that’s a pretty typical gap for a couple using no contraception. Doesn’t work like that for everyone all the time but it’s pretty average.
So when people give reasons a 2year gap is desirable you have to take into consideration that this age gap is also the ´normal’ age gap in many people’s minds, for reasons that mostly have nothing to do what might be optimal for kids.
Your kids sound like they get on fantastically! Hopefully that positive sister relationship will be lifelong (give or take a few teenage wobbles).

My brother's 2 were born 18 months apart and, now young adults, absolutely despise each other!

My husband's friend has four kids the oldest is in his early 20s and the youngest is 4! Two different mums. It's just life, and how it works out, I suppose. The friend has 2 grandchildren via his eldest and there is a third on the way by his second eldest. The third child is particularly close to the youngest despite 12 years apart. They all get along fine, ripping the p* out of each other and helping each other out.

We are waiting until DS is in school due to childcare costs so will be at least a 5 year gap. Most of my friends have done the exact same

As I think you know in your heart, there's something not quite right here op. The age gap between your children is not at all an unusual - and even if it was, to be obsessed with it is a bit concerning. I imagine this is all tied up in the bereavement you suffered through miscarrying and I am so sorry you went through that 💐.

Ha, my sisters are 8 and 14 years younger than me! It's honestly never been an issue. Don't give it a second thought. And anyway, I'd say 3 years is totally average among my friends and colleagues- most wait until they are able to get the 30 free hours childcare at 3yo before having a baby, otherwise nursery costs are extortionate. I wouldn't bat an eye at your two.

Hi OP. I’ve never heard anyone else say this, but this is exactly how I feel. I have four years (almost exactly to the day) between my two. I was hoping for a three year gap and then struggled to conceive my second child - I had three early losses. I obsess about the age gap in a way I can’t rationalise - if I read an interview or article about someone with two children, the first thing I look for is how old they are to see if anyone else has a four year gap.

I feel like a failure for not being able to produce a more “conventional” age gap and I am embarrassed about it. I could kick myself for not trying for the second sooner.

None of these thoughts are rational and I am incredibly grateful I was able to have my second child, there were times I thought I wouldn’t be able to. And there are lots of good things about a bigger gap. But I feel like a failure for it.

I have a 2 yr gap, it was hard. All those amazing things I did with dc1 were not available as baby massage is not the same with a clomping bored 2 yr old aside you. Ultimately baby 2 missed out, as did baby 1 who was also having to accommodate a sibling, no we can't paint a picture right now as I need to feed/change your brother. If the older one had received free childcare as the younger one was born it would have been very different and for the better. I would have been a less frazzled parent!

Two years is certainly the most common. We have 17 mths between our kids and they are just a year apart at school. It wasn’t planned, just happened but we didn’t use contraception after DD was born as I was 38 so we were happy to let nature decide. As it has turned out I love the age gap and wouldn’t want it any other way. Other people have reasons why a bigger gap is better but I think I just got on with what we had and tried to focus on the positives.

It does sound like it’s interfering with your enjoyment of your life, so for that reason I would recommend seeing a counsellor who should be able to help with some talk therapy.

Where I'm living my kids 2 year age gap is not the norm and we get lots of comments!

I wouldn't say 3.5 yeaRs is a big gap or uncommon in the slightest. Do you think maybe, the miscarriage has caused you a bit of a mental block around the issue, because your plans changed etc?

Me and my sister are 3 years apart and we are the best of friends. I think it's the perfect age gap.
Me and my brother are 11 years apart and we have a great close relationship as well.

My kids are 15 years and 1 year apart not planned that way and no issues at all. Except the 1 year age gap is very hard

As a parent of a mix and match family, I don't have pre-planned age gaps, but all are over 3yrs. Having been and still going through the teenage years, seeing people with siblings going through GCSEs and A levels simultaneously is less than optimal! Plus having more than one to help out financially at uni can be a struggle.
It's swings and roundabouts really. I'm also surprised that you are finding so many people who have planned their kids with such a specific gap.

I think you have some unresolved grief about your miscarriage. It sounds as if you are blaming yourself for not being able to provide a smaller age gap and fixating on a non-existant problem.

I had a miscarriage between my two DC. I look back and think that without it, I wouldn't have my wonderful youngest DC. She wouldn't exist - that combination of DNA wouldn't have happened and I would never have known her.

I don't see the miscarriage as a blessing, only that it's a circumstance that happened - I acknowledge the pain and grief. I can't do anything to change it. I have two wonderful DC, the second of whom I'd never have known without it.

I think you need to find a way of processing the miscarriage and suggest counselling to help you work through this.

Also OP to add that I would love a 3.5 age gap! It’s the fact that I tipped over into a four year gap that I feel like I didn’t do it right.

OP, three years ago I could have written your post! I also have two DDs with around a 3.5 year age gap and I couldn’t stop focusing on it.

I somehow felt inferior to people who’d had a 2 year age gap because I had internalised this as the “ideal”. Even though my experience of a larger age gap has also been very positive, like yours!

Looking back I think I was actually very anxious about other things and I was fixating on this issue as a way to channel that anxiety. As time has gone on it has disappeared and I never even think about it now.

It also helped when I read that the average age gap is now more like 2.9 years and apparently growing, plus I’ve met so many people with different age gaps over the years. One of my closest friends has an 8-year gap between her kids by choice!

I have exactly the same hangups. We were aiming for 2 years but after a long run of bad luck we ended up with a 3.5yr gap.

I get comfort from some advice my mum gave me, your children will be adults much longer than they will be children, and a 3.5yr gap between adults is nothing.

In fact I have brothers, the one 2yrs younger than me - we never speak. 6 yrs younger- we are close!

It's very hard the let go of the future you imagined, particularly if it was taken away in a traumatic way. But there are positives and negatives about everything. I am relieved we won't have GCSEs and A levels happening at the same time, cost of childcare has been a bit easier to manage with a bigger gap. The children don't know they are supposed to be closer in age, they are still siblings, benefitting from their relationship with a slightly different dynamic than we hoped for, but who's to say we hoped for the right thing?

🤞 this gets easier to accept as they get older xx