Obsessed with Sibling Age Gap

[Lexaline]

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for with this post - perhaps just wondering if there is anyone out there feeling similarly.

I have two girls who are almost 5.5 and almost 2. Their age gap is 3.5 years. We had initially attempted closer to a 2.5 year age gap but had a miscarriage and ended up with 3.5 years. I am not sure if the underlying feelings are actually to do with the miscarriage or something else but my feelings about their age gap have only intensified and got worse over time. The weird thing is, the kids seem great, the oldest LOVES the youngest and doesn’t seem to notice that her sister is just that bit younger than her friends’ siblings. She does frequently ask when her sister will be a “big girl” and how old will she be when her sister is X etc etc. But otherwise she seems pretty happy with her sister (so far).

The thing I’m struggling with is feeling totally consumed by and obsessed with age gaps. Every set of siblings I see I am mentally trying to work out their age gaps. Everywhere around me siblings are 2 years apart and it makes me feel abnormal and I just feel like I’ve let my kids down by not giving them a sibling close in age. Although we initially didn’t try for a second until my first was just over 2, I’m now full of sadness and regret that we didn’t start much much earlier, when she was like 6 months old or something. She is the kind of kid who could have handled a new sibling at any age - she’s always been pretty independent from us but so loving towards babies and friendly with other kids. She definitely wishes she had more siblings (once said she wanted 10 more!)

I know there are pros and cons to every age gap and I’ve experienced some of the benefits of the 3.5 year gap already (only one at a time in nappies etc etc) but I can’t help but feel like I missed out on the craziness that it seems everyone else has experienced.

I don’t really know how to come to terms with this and was hoping to find someone to relate to. I’ve read so many posts of people who were worried about an age gap before their second was conceived/born, but nothing really from people who continue to struggle with it well after their second baby was born.

I recognise that I am privileged in that I’ve been able to have a second, and that the gap isn’t so big all things considered, and some people have a much harder time. I just can’t shake this feeling so thought I’d reach out. Thanks for reading this long post.

4.5 years between my two. They adore each other.

2 years between me and my sister, we fought like cat and dog.

I think 3.5 years is a great age gap, the older one has been through terrible twos and understands more. There probably won't be the jealousy and rivalry you often see with a smaller age gap.

Have you any idea why this has become such a source of regret to you? Can you try to challenge your beliefs around your ideal age gaps? There sounds to be an image in your mind of what life would have been like for your family if there was a small age gap but it might have been really different to how you imagine it would be, then you’d be wishing you’d waited a bit before trying for a second. There’s 10 years and 6 years respectively between my older siblings and me. The youngest is my best friend in the world. The oldest was more like a dad to me when I was tiny, than my actual dad ever was. We adored each other growing up. He would read to me at bedtime, I’d get into bed with him every morning and he would make up stories for me. He was really patient and would play board games with me and taught me to ride a bike. I have friends who have small age gaps between them and their siblings and their memories are of fighting like cat and dog, fierce battles over toys, perceived unfairness, attention seeking etc etc. You only have the perception of what your DDs relationship with her DS would have been like and it could have been completely different to how you think. They enjoy each others company now, which is brilliant. I’d really try to focus on that.

My children are 6yrs apart as my first daughter died after birth. I couldn't give a shit about age gaps now.

Like pp, I think you may have unresolved feelings around your miscarriage, and that your obsession with the age gap has become the focus for your grief at the loss. Maybe try and re-frame the way you’re thinking about that age gap. It’s just perfect for the two children you have. If you had had a smaller age gap, your dd2 wouldn’t be who she is, you would have a different child. No less loved, but not your dd2!

The sibling I'm closest to is 4 years younger than me. Compatible personalities play a bigger role than how close the birth dates are IMO.

Hey OP

similar feelings here but no miscarriage so I can’t align it to that in my head for myself.
I think for me the obsession comes from a sense of control/ perfectionism. I wanted a 2 and a bit year age gap. I did all the ‘right things’ - off contraception for ages, did the ovulation sticks, ate well, gave up alcohol etc but conceiving our second took a lot longer than the first time around (1st month of trying). I had idealised this 2ish year age gap. We are expecting baby 2 and it will be 3 year age gap but I do the same things as you - I constantly look at other families and calculate their age gaps and in magazine articles etc and I’m jealous of those with the perfect small age gap. I can’t put my finger on why (perhaps I wanted to mimic the same gap me and DB have and DH and SIL have?!). I can try to rationalise it eg it’s good my son is out of nappies before new baby arrives etc but the 3 year age gap continues to bother me

Sorry to hear of your losses. I think some support for them might be helpful.

As others have said two years is difficult due to nursery fees, GCSE/A level clashes, simultaneous uni fees, them both leaving home in quick succession. With 3.5 years one might be back from uni (if that is the path they choose) before the second one goes.

Also in terms of dynamics where we have a two year gap the youngest fought so hard to be the same as the eldest. On so many things seemed to want to do everything the older one could do. The older one wanted to mother the youngest and be the big sister but the youngest just wanted to be equal. The competition has died down now and both are happy with their separate routes/ ways. There is also a larger age gap between them both and the youngest, who has always been happy to be the youngest, to do different things, to be looked after. Obviously the dynamic might be different in your family but a small age gap does not guarantee happiness.

We wanted a two year gap, we ended up with a 5 year gap 🤷. So far it's working out well. My older one loves having a baby sibling and thinks they're great compared to friends' annoying toddler siblings. That may change as DC2 gets older. And DC1 is old enough to help with DC2, and is actually very good at keeping them amused when we're getting ready to leave the house. I can also foresee in the future DC1 being very pleased at being able to secretly play with DC2's toys when they've become a bit too 'cool' and 'grown-up' to be able to own those toys themselves, so DC2 will probably keep DC1 a bit younger longer which we're pleased about. We didn't expect DC1 to play much with DC2 given the age gap but have been surprised at the level of interaction between them. DC1 loves coming home from school and having a play with DC2 and the baby toys.

Any gap has its advantages and disadvantages but personally I would not have said that 3.5 years is a particularly big gap. If we had a third, I would prefer that to 2 years because I think the children are less in competition with each other and it makes for a more harmonious transition. And after all, childhood is a small part of life. What I think we really should focus on (although a lot of this comes down to luck and personalities) is encouraging our children to develop harmonious and supportive sibling relationships going forward into adulthood, and each child having some space from the others without always being expected to play together and share activities can help with this. As far as I can see, the huge benefit of close age gaps is kids having 'ready-made playmates'. The downside is the temptation that this brings to always lump them together, which is somewhat avoided with a bigger age gap.

Maybe it's less varied where you are, but certainly around here there are families of all shapes and sizes. We have friends with three kids 5 and under, but there are also lots of only child families and bigger age gaps (14 years, in the case of one of my DC's classmates, who has a 19yo sister), as well as blended families, step-parent families, kids going between two homes etc. The two parents, nuclear family with two children two years apart model is definitely in the minority. The mum I'm most jealous of is the one with the 19yo daughter - she has a great relationship with the younger one and helps out a lot (the mum pays her) when home for the holidays.

I think maybe you are just finding it fundamentally hard to accept that things have deviated from your plan.

Some people are happy to accept whatever happens and others get upset if things differ from what the picture they had in their head. It's a temperament thing. I'm the same.

A lot of people on here are really judgemental about it (especially concerning gender disappointment) which is odd because if anyone mentions kids being upset about surprises or change everyone immediately calls ASD and has all the sympathy for the child.....

3,5 year age gap between my boys and they are wonderful together.
But i had the same sort of obsession about having three kids. I wanted 3 kids but there never came a third and all around me i see families with 3 or more kids. When i’m in a zoo, i’m not watching the animals but the families and keep counting their kids. Over the years it did became a little easier… but it is a form of grief i think.

Most people have bigger than 2 year age gaps.
This is strange to read.

I think the problem here is more to do with the miscarriage you suffered, not the age gap. Siblings can be a year apart to 20 years or more - it really doesn't matter. Perhaps you should seek some counselling for the underlining issues?

My brother and I are 22 months apart and although we were able to do a lot together we would fight all the time. I think a slighter bigger age gap would alleviate that

The gap between my sibling group is 20 years, yep 20. This is more to do with your feelings about your MC and the gap it created.

You should consider some therapy because your feelings are detracting from the short years of childhood.

This is interesting to read OP. I’m not in the same position as you, but have travelled part of your path. I hope one day to have a second child, but am just in the throes of a horrible miscarriage that has set us off course for the planned 3 year gap, and now I feel time is speeding away without me and the gap (if I’m lucky enough to have a second) is growing out of my control.

There are many reasons why 3.5 years is a great age gap. PP have mentioned lots of practical ones, and another is the development of the child’s brain - infancy lasts 3 years, and giving that time exclusively to your DD1 will have been great for her. Look it up.

But that’s not really the point, is it - this thing can’t be rationalised. Like you’ve said, it’s obsessive, and it’s been going on a while if DD2 is now 2yo. This does suggest you might benefit from external help like therapy.

I suspect you are stuck in a habit that has perhaps arisen from grief. Did you get pregnant with DD2 quite quickly after the MC? How was the MC for you? Do you feel you processed it? I’m trying to figure out how to do that for myself now, in the moment, because I do think these traumas can stay with us unless we release them somehow. Another pregnancy doesn’t overwrite the MC, it only fixes that loss in the past, and this for you has perhaps become marked in the age gap.

You have my sympathy, and I hope you can find peace.

I have 18 years between my 2. It's just the way life works out! In an ideal world I'd have liked a 3 ish year gap between dd2 and another child but we had secondary infertility and dc3 never showed up!
You need to look at the positives, every family is different. There are pros and cons to any age gap.

I know people with anything from a 1 year to 10year+ age gap and they all have their pluses and minuses. (Plus blended families with a few months between kids!)

Whether the sibling connection works is just due to personality rather than the gap between them. It can also change over time. DH was close to his brother growing up... grew apart in their teens, made up slightly in mid twenties... and now DH will gladly never see or discuss his brother again as he has done something he sees as unforgivable. The only reason he tolerates him in very small doses is none of us want the children caught in the Cross fire.

Enjoy your children.

I felt a bit like this when mine were those ages (same age gap) but actually now they are 16 and almost 13 and loads of their friends have siblings in the year of the other one if that makes sense. In fact loads have siblings with bigger gaps.

I remind myself that there are 10 yrs between me and my brother and only 2 yrs between him and my sister. My brother and I are closer.

I am out the other side of this, DS1 is 20 and DS2 is 17 and there is a 3 year gap and 3 weeks between them.

Pros, hand me down clothes/wellies/football boots (my sister and I were 18 months apart and very similar size wise so no hand me downs)
Good gap in school years meaning the younger isn't right behind the older or in some cases exceeding.
GCSEs and A levels not being sat at the same time, both Dh and I could offer 1 to 1 support for that one child sitting their exams
Not having 2 children at university at the same time, the expected parental contribution is £5k per child per year (you might want to think about savings now) because as a household we earn over the £62k threshold so they can only borrow the minimum maintenance loan which doesn't even cover their accommodation never mind food. There is no discount for 2 being at uni at the same time.
Not moving 2 children into uni at the same time or the same month.
DS1 will finish just before DS2 starts.

Mine are the absolute best of friends still. Love each other to bits, never fought and genuinely care for each other.

I have a 3.5 year age gap between mine and there are 8 other families with children in the same two years at their school, so it's not exactly uncommon. And I've just been at the Year 6 leavers' assembly at the school I teach at and we had several siblings from Reception and Year 1 in attendance, so much bigger gaps are also not that uncommon. This is not a problem and it sounds like you might need some help to deal with your feelings around it.

My dsis is 7y older than me, dbro is 16mo younger than me. Love them both dearly and it doesn't seem to make any difference in adulthood.

Think of it this way: a different age gap would have meant a different egg, different sperm and therefore different child. Would you trade your youngest to if had the age gap you wanted?

I have a 2 ish year gap with a sibling and I f**king gate him

I think you’re being ridiculous to be ‘obsessed’ by it.
As an adult I’m way, way closer to my 4 years age gap sibling than I am to the one 2 years younger than me.

I really think you're over thinking this . Probably an after effect of the miscarriage still?

My eldest 2 exactly 2.5 years between them.
They are chalk and cheese. Had nothing in common, never played together really and hated each other as teens. Closer now in adult hood.
10 years between middle and youngest. Both adored her from the off.
Make peace with it. The 10 years were filled with "if only" but life usually works out in the end.