Obsessed with Sibling Age Gap

[Lexaline]

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for with this post - perhaps just wondering if there is anyone out there feeling similarly.

I have two girls who are almost 5.5 and almost 2. Their age gap is 3.5 years. We had initially attempted closer to a 2.5 year age gap but had a miscarriage and ended up with 3.5 years. I am not sure if the underlying feelings are actually to do with the miscarriage or something else but my feelings about their age gap have only intensified and got worse over time. The weird thing is, the kids seem great, the oldest LOVES the youngest and doesn’t seem to notice that her sister is just that bit younger than her friends’ siblings. She does frequently ask when her sister will be a “big girl” and how old will she be when her sister is X etc etc. But otherwise she seems pretty happy with her sister (so far).

The thing I’m struggling with is feeling totally consumed by and obsessed with age gaps. Every set of siblings I see I am mentally trying to work out their age gaps. Everywhere around me siblings are 2 years apart and it makes me feel abnormal and I just feel like I’ve let my kids down by not giving them a sibling close in age. Although we initially didn’t try for a second until my first was just over 2, I’m now full of sadness and regret that we didn’t start much much earlier, when she was like 6 months old or something. She is the kind of kid who could have handled a new sibling at any age - she’s always been pretty independent from us but so loving towards babies and friendly with other kids. She definitely wishes she had more siblings (once said she wanted 10 more!)

I know there are pros and cons to every age gap and I’ve experienced some of the benefits of the 3.5 year gap already (only one at a time in nappies etc etc) but I can’t help but feel like I missed out on the craziness that it seems everyone else has experienced.

I don’t really know how to come to terms with this and was hoping to find someone to relate to. I’ve read so many posts of people who were worried about an age gap before their second was conceived/born, but nothing really from people who continue to struggle with it well after their second baby was born.

I recognise that I am privileged in that I’ve been able to have a second, and that the gap isn’t so big all things considered, and some people have a much harder time. I just can’t shake this feeling so thought I’d reach out. Thanks for reading this long post.

Personally think 3-4 years is best, mainly cos I won’t have one dojnf GCSEs and the other A-levels at the same time

Thank you everyone - so many kind and thoughtful replies. So much of what was said resonated and was very insightful. I agree that a lot of my feelings are related to the miscarriage. It was not my first or last miscarriage but definitely the worst one so far. I also don’t really know anyone who has had miscarriages, everyone just seems to have successful pregnancies at their desired timing. I’m told this is not common but it is hard to see when you don’t have personal experience with it. I’ve tried a few different therapy options but have yet to find a good fit (there aren’t many options where I live). I’m going to try some remote options I think.

I can relate very much to the posters who said that when they read articles they immediately try to find out their age gap! It’s kind of the first thing I think about when I see/hear of siblings.

There is a lot going on behind these feelings for sure. Someone said it is a ridiculous thing to worry about - it’s true! But even when you tell yourself your feelings are irrational, you can’t make them go away (I can’t anyway!) It’s not something I expected as the feelings were quite minor when my second was born, just for some reason they have continued to grow. I wonder if it’s partly because my second is still in quite a baby phase whilst my first seems to be skyrocketing into proper kid mode! There are many things about them that exacerbate their age different also (older one very independent, younger one clingy, older one precocious, younger one more typical, older one highly social, younger one much less so, younger one physically tiny etc etc), so that could be part of it too. They’re both great and I am lucky to have them.

Posting this and reading all the responses has been very helpful- thank you so much again.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I too am obsessed with age gaps because we're having trouble conceiving #2. (Not meaning to minimise your feelings, you're absolutely entitled to feel how you feel, just explaining the context). One thing that sometimes helps me when I feel really sad about having yet another miscarriage is to think back of conceiving DD - we had a miscarriage before her too - and whilst I was so sad about it at the time I now often think if we hadn't had the miscarriage we'd not have our DD. So when I feel sad about not having conceived yet/another miscarriage I try to tell myself "well that wasn't our baby".

I wonder if it'd help you, when you feel sad/obsessed about the age gap, to reframe it and think "if we had a smaller age gap we wouldn't have DD2". I mean obviously you'd have a child but not your precious DD2, so you could try and say to yourself a smaller age gap might have been amazing in a million ways but it would mean not having DD2.
Don't know if I'm making sense x

Your feelings are real and I'm glad you are seeking help. I had a couple of miscarriages too. I was an older mum and originally planned for a 2 year age gap but ended up with 3.5 years. We are all different in why we wanted a shorter age gap. I didn't see 2 years as ideal.

I am very happy with the 3.5 years and that's why my previous post have simply highlighted the benefits.

As for the developmental gap you see now. I think that is a good thing when your older one is much more mature and independent. It made parenting easier. The good thing about 3.5 years is that while it's large enough for you to not have a toddler and a baby at the same time, they are also close enough in age to take to the place on days out. It just means the older goes for a bit longer and the younger stops a bit earlier. I'm referring to moving on from activities aimed at preschoolers to ones for young children. For example, soft play to trampoline park, play trails for KS1 chldren to Go Ape. It's really a brilliant age gap.

In fact I just got this email from the Hampshire's countryside service. This is what I mean by they still have a small enough gap to enjoy activities toghether. I remember even at 6yo DC1 enjoyed story sessions like these. I know depression isn't something you can just think positive and snap out of however. Counselling to work through your trauma will hopefully help.

Thanks for this thread. We are taking a while to ttc no 2 and I've been stressing about age gaps. Everyone seems to be having a two year gap so feel a bit left out. I know it's because lots of them have less choice because of age but it feels like very much the expected thing around here!

Really nice to hear other perspectives. Rationally I know that actually DS needs me loads at the moment and that we would really struggle with 2 under 3 for lots of reasons. So just trying to put my faith in the universe that the gap we hopefully get will be perfect!

There's almost 2 years to the day between my boys. It's hard. So hard. One is 1 the other is 3. I love them so much but if I could choose and still have my youngest I would have a slightly bigger age gap

I can totally relate to your post OP. I have a 3y11m age gap. I am always checking ages of siblings in news stories, in films and fiction and looking at them in families around me. There is definitely a societal preference for 2 year age gaps, certainly on MN and in our school. It does get idealised quite a bit, it's all part of getting the Life Plan right.

I had never planned for a smaller gap, but like you it took a while to even start ttc, then it took time to conceive at all, and then I had to have a TFMR. I'm sure there is something related to the TFMR which has intensified my feelings, though I've had bad experiences with therapy so I have no interest in doing any more and I don't believe it will help.

I think there are some well meaning posts which try to reassure you that smaller gaps wouldn't mean dc would play together or get on, but it's a bit disingenuous because that's exactly what I see around me. Children do just gravitate towards similar aged kids, I see it at big family gatherings, and it's natural that will happen because they're developmentally able to play the same sort of games. I feel like that's what we miss out on - my dcs get on great, but obviously my 1yo can't play the same kind of games that a 5yo plays. My older one is now too old to be allowed in "under 5s" type activities which makes me sad (and she would absolutely love to tag along to some Stay and Play type sessions).

I'm always thinking about their relative ages and wondering at what stage they could be doing similar things. And there are windows where they could be, but there will be times when the eldest will be too old and moving to a new stage of childhood. My friends have 5+y age gaps, and I've seen myself that their dc end up ignoring each other once the eldest is in their teens - not in the sense of being hostile, just not hanging out because they have nothing in common. And I know the gap will close in adulthood, because I have friends of all ages and it makes no difference to me, but that's not much comfort when you want to create a nice childhood experience for your dcs.

but that's not much comfort when you want to create a nice childhood experience for your dcs.

Until recently, siblings came when they came. No IVF meant you sometimes had no subsequent children, or a huge gap (or big gaps often appeared due to one or more babies dying early on between two siblings who lived). No reliable birth control sometimes meant a very small gap indeed. Bigger families, on average, meant that any randomly chosen pair of siblings were probably not close in age (if you were one of six children born over a 16-year period, say, you could not be close in age to more than four of your six siblings). Sometimes 15yos got pregnant, and sometimes 50yos did. For the most part, humanity muddled through just fine, not least because the things you don't get from a sibling can usually be supplied, long term, by cousins and friends and other people.

Now we have the ability to plan families, which is mostly awesome, but it can lead to an obsessive desire to "curate" families in the manner of someone arranging flowers in a vase - having this narrow and fixed "ideal" in your head (anything before late 20s is too young, anything over 35 is too old, only children are bad, too many children is bad, must have one boy and one girl, must have a gap that is exactly this size...) and getting unhappy if any of these things don't work out.

We all need to BREATHE and stop being preoccupied with trying to create Instagram-perfect visions of childhood.

I think there are some well meaning posts which try to reassure you that smaller gaps wouldn't mean dc would play together or get on, but it's a bit disingenuous because that's exactly what I see around me. Children do just gravitate towards similar aged kids, I see it at big family gatherings, and it's natural that will happen because they're developmentally able to play the same sort of games.

Sure, but siblings who are similar ages generally have a different dynamic to similar aged friends or schoolmates or even cousins. Siblings are rivals, and it can really show in their interactions!

Agree with others on perhaps seeking some counselling around your miscarriage.

3.5 yrs as opposed to 2 yrs is really not that much different in grander scheme of things, it's 18 months - it's nothing really.

Missing out on the "craziness" isn't a bad thing either, a lot of parents really struggle with that stage and kids also miss out (young one doesn't get as much 1:1 time as you'd like as busy dealing with irrational toddler, toddler doesn't get attention they're used to and start feeling jealous, behaving differently etc)

It’s refreshing to read your post @lakehoum - this is exactly how I feel. Like I got it “wrong”. Still remember the family we met at a party who looked around for my third child because with four years between my two, surely there must be another child in between them.

When we were struggling to have a second child I got completely obsessed over age gaps. It was really tough. I would try and get some counselling maybe.
We ended up with a seven year gap and they have a lovely relationship and are very close. They are 20 and 13, my youngest loves having a big sister who can drive and take him for a McDonald's treat!

I think this thinking is due to the grief of the miscarriage. I spent ages analysing how long people were married before they announced a pregnancy because I had three miscarriages and felt “behind”. You have two lovely children. You can’t change the gap. Try to focus on the here and now and don’t let things like a few months difference gap spoil the enjoyment of your family.

Still remember the family we met at a party who looked around for my third child because with four years between my two, surely there must be another child in between them.

If someone did that to me (asked me where my "other" child was based on a four-year age gap between my children), I wouldn't spend time thinking about my family age gaps as such, because I'd be too busy wondering what kind of complete and utter weirdo would actually do something like that.

I have 3 children, age gap between first and second is 3.5yrs, second and third is 2.5yrs. there's really not a big difference between the two! The two with the larger age gap are closer but they are both boys and my youngest is a girl. So who knows really.
I don't really understand why there is an optimum age gap and why you would think 2 yrs is better than 3, what is it you think your children are missing out on?

I've always thought a 3-4 year gap as standard. My eldest brother is four years older than me and I got far better on with him than my twin. It was never an issue, we played together, did the same things together and got on as teenagers.

My husband is 5 1/2 years older than his brother. They are the absolute best of friends, always been close and have the same group of friends.

I love this post because I think we become obsessed with children "missing out" sometimes. "Oh if they don't have a close in age playmate, they'll miss out".

But family relationships take all shapes and sizes. Each has upsides and downsides. A child with a close in age sibling may benefit from having a playmate as they grow, but may miss out on having a substantially older sibling who can spoil them, help with caring for them and just be a positive life influence in a way a younger child couldn't. Likewise, older children can appreciate and enjoy the baby phase and watching their younger sibling grow and develop in a way that toddlers aren't really capable of. My older one has asked about all the baby milestones and is very interested in what "our baby" is doing when. Of course, none of this is certain - it depends on the personalities involved - but every "model" has its benefits.

That's exactly the age gap between me and my sister and we were best friends all through our teens and twenties and still are. It doesn't feel a large gap at all. It was 4 school years.

I'm so sorry you've had upsetting losses. This is doubtless why you're feeling upset about the gap. My own kids have a 3 year gap and I have never considered it being large in any way.

The thing about DC ignoring each other as teens is all relative and something I wouldn't even worry about. Most kids as teenagers are more invested in their friends then siblings. I have a twin brother and you can't get closer than that, yet we barely acknowledged each other through our teen years. I was much closer and had much more common with my eldest brother who was 4 years older.

Most people I grew up with had age gaps with their siblings of 3-5 years. It's only on mumsnet I've seen it be an issue. To me it's a normal age gap.

You are being totally unreasonable here. What is the difference between 3.5 and a 2 year age gap? What exactly would your child gain? What would they lose? I think this is odd to fixate about.

It doesn't matter at all there are no guarantees and a gap under 4 years is small to be honest they will grow up. I have a sibling 2.8 years young than me.

You read my mind 🤣

You don't want a 2 yr age gap - GCSEs and A levels at the same time !
I have just over 5 years, 6 years schooling.

I used to worry a lot about age-gaps when experiencing secondary infertility. We began TTC again when my DC was three. A couple of years later there was that sinking feeling when I realised that they would never properly 'play' together - unless I did the humanly impossible and gave birth to a three-year-old! That sinking feeling returned when I realised that, unless I got pregnant that month, they would never attend primary school together. Like you I scoured MN threads looking for positive experiences of larger age gaps, examples of older and younger children forming good relationships and convincing myself that things would still be ok.

In the end I had to give up worrying about age gaps because that second baby never came, we ran out of time reproductively and that age gap is now...infinite. There is no card for this form of loss, no particular acknowledgement and certainly no sympathy, because it just doesn't occur to people.

A tiny bit of that sinking feeling comes back every time someone says 'Oh, just the three of you then?' or 'Just the one?' Or, even more galling, 'It's alright for you, you only have the one to worry about!'. Yes, that has happened...

It has been a source of sadness, but my child is wonderful and ultimately we all have to keep things in perspective. Plus we always have a spare chair to put coats or bags on in restaurants!

@Lexaline For what it's worth, I had a 3yr 8m age gap with my nearest sibling and it was brilliant while we were growing up and throughout our twenties and thirties. We were close enough in age to have interests in common, but not so close that we were mixed up in each other's lives. Unfortunately things fell apart when we were in our forties, but that's another story!

I'm not sure why you would think that 3.5 years is a 'big' age gap. Most people I know I have at least 3 or 4 years between siblings and sometimes more. There's 4 years between my sibling and I and in our case our parents wanted to have one child out of nappies and a little bit more independent before having another. We get along just fine and have a good, close relationship.

OP, if you're obsessed with this and it's occupying your mind a great deal, could it be some kind of anxiety?