Not allowing visitors after giving birth

[HollieTalbut1997]

Is it normal/common not to allow visitors after having a baby?
My stepsister had her first baby last week and came home from the hospital the next day and I haven’t been allowed to visit them yet.
I understand she wants peace and doesn’t want loads of people coming in and out but I am her only sibling and I can’t help but feel hurt.
She made clear before the birth that other than her Mum (my Stepmum) she wouldn’t be having any visitors at the hospital, which I totally respected but wouldn’t be my personal choice. However I imagined that fairly soon after they went home I would go round. I have asked when would be a good time to come and she said ‘soon, I will let you know’, that was 6 days ago.
My Dad (her Stepdad) went to visit them at home on Sunday so I was confused why I couldn’t also go. I get not having loads of extended family and family coming round but we are a small family and beyond me, my Dad and Stepmum there’s really only her grandma and partners parents who are likely to visit immediately (other family lives far away so will be a while before they come).
I’m trying to appreciate that everybody is different and not take it personally but I do feel hurt that she doesn’t consider me important enough. We have been in each others lives since we were small children so have grown up together.
I think it’s worse because I’ve always felt quite left out of the family unit she has with my Dad and Stepmum and this is something else I’ve been left out off. (Again I know it’s not about me but I can’t change the way I feel).

I don’t want this to come across as selfish, I really want to be around to support my sister and I want to be active in my nephews life from the start. I simply haven’t heard of anyone restricting visitors to this extent before, when my friends and cousins have had babies they’ve been keen for family/close friends to come around and meet the baby very quickly. She also has never suggested at any point that she would be restricting/stopping visitors once they were home. She’s also asked the family not to forward on/send any pictures onto other family members/friends that she hasn’t sent them to. I found this a bit odd too? I appreciate not plastering things all social media etc but I’ve essentially been told not even show my close friends a picture of my new nephew.
I really just wanted others take on this situation, I’m not going to say anything to my sister as I think it would just come off badly and she has obviously just given birth so I don’t want to upset her.

I was TOTALLY happy with having all and sundry over to meet the baby, and I'm not a social person. I went out to lunch the day after we got out of hospital too (section). But, each to their own I guess.

Exactly its fine for you but not everyone is the same. People should just respect a person's wishes at the end of the day. Instead of pulling on pressure about whether they are behaving normal or being weird and bizarre. Like they enough to worry about than other women being so pushy and judgemental

To me, it’s weird and precious.

We loved all the visitors in those early days. I sat on my (sore) arse and basked in all the love and good wishes. Those visitors soon dry up.

To be honest, my friends and family would’ve thought I’d lost my marbles if I was dictating to them when they could call in. It is something I’ve heard of only on MN.

Is it weird and precious not to want a stream of visitors after an operation? If you feel quite unwell and are still in pain? If not, what’s the difference?

How much contact have you had since the baby came? As in texts just to check in and see how she is etc?

Everyone feels differently about visitors after birth. My mum and my partners family came over hours after I gave birth (I was home within 9 hours after giving birth) so I was absolutely exhausted and looking like a wreck at that point but it felt good to have my mum over in that first couple of days I couldn't of coped with anyone else being there with the exhaustion of it all. I had close friends come over on day 3 and 5 and it was lovely but I was still so drained just from having them there and having to be social. Sometimes it's just so physically and mentally exhausting it's hard to cope with other people being around. You have to recover from birth while learning to be a mum at the same time and those first couple of weeks are very intense. This may just be how your sister is feeling.

When I came home with ds, I wish I had been stricter with visitors. They turned up none stop from early morning, I had been out of HDU for 48 hours, I was still very unwell with high blood pressure & was totally shattered after going 5 days without sleep. My mum practically had to wrestle ds off mil so that she could bring him upstairs to me when the midwife arrived. I was bleeding really heavily & was terrified to move in case I flooded, I just wanted all of dh family to bugger off & leave me alone, my mum was at least doing something useful in sorting me out some meals & was there to help me get showered. It was no wonder that 2 days later my BP had shot right up again.

Yes, very possible. Only on here have I ever heard of banning visitors after the birth - for weeks on end in some cases. It's as if they want nobody else to meet their baby.

Your sister and baby are the only ones with needs right now. Everyone else, including you, just wants.

She should be doing exactly as she is: what feels right to her, without having to weigh in how others feel about it. If there’s ever a time to focus on yourself and what you need, labour and postpartum is it, imo.

Baby isn’t going to go stale. They’ll be as wonderful a week or a month from now as they were yesterday. Heck, even more so, as their sleep patterns will have had time to establish, so it’ll be easier to time the visit during an awake period.

This is a massive adjustment period, with sleep deprivation and healing thrown on top. Give your sister some grace. None of it is about you.

Your sister and baby are the only ones with needs right now. Everyone else, including you, just wants

You just made that up. I have needs 😃

Give her time. Honestly if I could have got away with people not meeting my baby until 2-3 weeks I would have done. That was the bonus of lockdown. I could sit with my poor sore boobs out and it not be an issue. I was exhausted and traumatised from birth.

The next time I was literally told by the infant feeding team at 10 days that having people there was ruining my ability to breastfeed. She told me to cancel visitors and spend as much time holding my baby and in skin to skin. I did that for 2 days and his ability to latch came back.

I didn't want to host people. Even my in-laws I assumed might bring something/do something to be helpful. Instead we ended up cooking them a meal while running to bring the washing in out of the rain while they sat on the sofa with the baby and slept. I was so exhausted I didn't have it in me to argue I wanted them to clear off and give my baby back. When the next person said 'Can I just pop round?' my response certainly was 'I'll let you know'.

And unlikely that she doesn't want you to show your friends a picture, more like she doesn't want you to send a picture. Big difference in someone seeing them and someone having a picture stored on their phone forever with the ability to share with anyone.

We had visitors from 1 week after birth, tbh I still felt like I’d been run over at that point and visitors would have been better for me at 2-3 weeks onwards.

R.e the photos. Step-MIL forwarded our newborn photos on to people the instant we sent them, and we received congratulations from people we hadn’t even told ourselves. Maybe they want to announce the birth themselves, or maybe they just don’t want photos of their baby stored in random people’s phones which is totally reasonable.

Also to add, no matter your thoughts, don’t be pushy about visiting. You could make your sister unwell by pressuring her, especially at such a vulnerable time.

I didn’t want to see anyone after the birth of DD. It was just such a huge mental thing giving birth and then having her and not knowing what to do. I just needed time to recover. We had her during covid and had people calling and trying to FaceTime. All I wanted was to rest and just recover. Who knows how her birth was and how she’s feeling. This is about her and her baby. For DS, I was far more relaxed and didn’t need that time to process. At the end of the day this is about her and not you. So I don’t think it matters if anyone else thinks she’s being unreasonable. Baby’s just been brown you’ll hopefully have lots of time in the future to help. Just let her know you’re here for her and ready to visit when she’s ready

I Don't think she's "losing her mind" or odd tbh, I wish I had done this! I had my parents and brother visit me in hospital the day after I'd given birth. I couldn't move or walk at that point and everything hurt but I stayed awake and feigned interest in conversation etc. When I got home within a week loads of people had visited, expecting tea etc, still could barely shuffle due to stitches etc. Bare in mind a lot of visitors expect to be fed and watered rather than going for a short visit, bringing some food or something for the mum, making their own tea and pissing off! 🤣

If she only gave birth last week, you are being unreasonable. I don't think it's odd to want to restrict visitors for the first few weeks, but everyone is different. Maybe she just wanted her mum & dad around for a quick visit, but is not ready for other visitors yet.

All you can do is be patient.

Some people want to show the baby off immediately, some don't and it's all normal. I remember on day 2 I had just got ds1 to sleep in his noses basket for the first time since he was born and I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't because we had visitors who were coming. They wanted to hold ds, moaned about whose turn it was and moaned when ds mainly wanted to lie on me and practice feeding. At that point I would have happily banned visitors I think.

I agree. Not everyone feels great after they’ve given birth and has a happy easy baby. I was in a terrible state physically - damaged, exhausted and anaemic - and I too was pumping and attempting to breastfeed. The last thing I would have wanted was relatives around the place.
Luckily they were understanding (bar one who came to the hospital and succeeded in making me feel worse) and DH wouldn’t have hesitated to tell his family to wait if they were being pushy.

It's her choice/boundaries but I would feel a bit pushed out tbh. Especially with you feeling left out in the family unit. I would question if it's a way of putting you in your place.

You can't force it tho, you just have to wait and enjoy meeting your dn when the times right.

When my sil had her baby they did parents only for first 48 hours then brothers and sisters were allowed. I've never known anyone else do it tho.

I find it all a bit mad, if somebody was posting on AIBU ‘had an op on Wednesday, still feel exhausted and in pain, AIBU to say no to visitors just yet’ they’d be met with a resounding YANBU, ‘do what feels right’ ‘you’re the patient’ ‘you need rest and care not BIL droning on at you’. That type of thing.

But because there’s a shiny newborn suddenly you don’t matter, you should be fine with relatives descending on you and sitting there for hours expecting cups of tea, conversation and ‘their cuddles’.

I wish women would have each other’s backs a little more rather than trying to outdo each other in ‘who had people over soonest’. Personally I just message and say hope you’re okay, let me know when you’re ready for visitors.

It's a bit of a trend with some people at the moment, personally I find it very odd and rather attention seeking, but that isn't a popular view on here. I just find it a bit affected as I don't like fuss.

I was even telling my mum at during pregnancy that I wanted some alone time afterwards, and didn’t want pressure to arrange visitors. It’s instinct some women have and their hormones are all over the place.

What I would say is that I found visitors who had children to be more practical and helpful. Visitors without children had no idea what to do so wanted to sit and chat when I was exhausted and I just wanted them to go away.

100% this. Especially about you no longer mattering as soon as there is a newborn.

🤣Not with someone else’s newborn you don’t

It's a weird time after giving birth - hormone bonkers ness!
It is odd but I'd just respect her decision & it'll pass...