How to respond when a child falls

[Evanna13]

If my child has a fall I would go to them, check they are OK, give them a little hug etc. However I have noticed lately a lot of parents responding very differently. They see the child fall, stay where they are and say "get up, up, up" etc
These would be minor falls where the child is clearly not seriously injured.
I am worried I am being a bit soft although it is my natural response. Do I need to toughen them up a little? I am talking about 2-6 year olds.

I tend not to react too much unless DS has actually hurt himself. I go 'whoops!' or 'uh-oh, you just went splat! That was a surprise!' (he's 2 - I'm not a total idiot). Then he gets up by himself. We've trained ourselves not to make a big deal out of it because he very rarely does hurt himself, but if we make a fuss he is likely to cry. If we don't, he doesn't think it's worth crying about and doesn't get upset.

I would do the same as you OP.

I try not to react much. Usually a ‘oh dear, no
blood, you’re all good.’ If they have actually
hurt themselves and cry then I’ll give them a quick hug and an ‘oh no.’ I find the more you react the more dramatic they are.

Do I need to toughen them up a little?

No, not at all. No child ever suffered badly because their parent was kind to them. Keep doing as you are. Some parents do things differently and that's ok but don't over think it. It's fine to comfort your child if you want to.

I literally don't move and wait to see how they are and then go and say "are you ok?" My cousin is dreadful for running over all panicked and shouting in their face "ARE YOU HURT??" And it just freaks them out imho 🤣

Same here. Did that with my own kids and do it with my three year old DGD. It's soon evident if there's a real injury or upset and a hug is needed, but given how often kids trip, keeping it light saves drama and anxiety.

This 👆 I always comforted mine, they are grown up now, I didn’t ruin them, they are fine!

"oopsie, up you get!" is first reaction. If hurt, tears etc then obviously hugs and cuddles.

I normally give my 2yo a quick squeeze but my 5yo is made of steel so she just gets straight up! Obviously verbally check she's ok but don't make a fuss unless they're actually injured!

Just to add that I don't think it's anything to do with 'toughening up' - of course I comfort my child if he's hurt/upset. It's more that I don't want to accidentally discourage him from being physical and running and climbing by making falling into a big deal.

Pick the child up, give them/offer them a cuddle and then they will let go when they are ready. As they get older they may say “it’s okay, I’m fine” but that is their choice and there isn’t a expectation to be “fine”, to not make a fuss, to cover their feelings, to cope without comfort.

My DM was of the “come on, you’ll be fine” school, always. I hate her when I think of that, and particularly remember falling once at the bus stop and her “come on, up you get” attitude.

She is generally someone who minimises other people’s feelings and can be quite cold though, and believes in “not pandering” so it’s just reflective of her parenting approach and personality in general.

Children need a trusted adult to co-regulate them when distressed, until they learn to do it themselves.

A parent being available and comforting and supportive will actually help a child to develop resilience, it doesn’t make a “soft” child (and so what if it did?! Some people will always be softer than others and it isn’t a weakness to show distress and to want and accept support when offered)

My DC are very confident and happy children, being a responsive and loving mother has done them no harm at all!

I’m usually observing how they get up and move because mine don’t report pain well. I don’t mind if they cry or need a hug though.

“Do you need a hug?” is all that is needed. If they keep crying it’s because they need to, not because you have ‘encouraged’ it somehow.

Again, they will move on when they ready, often very quickly indeed when they initial shock has passed, but they still know that comfort is there and admitting that it hurts/they got a fright/were embarrassed is absolutely fine.

I usually say "oh dear!" in a cheerful voice, and usually DC gets up smiling, but if she's upset I go over and give her a cuddle saying "aww, it's okay," etc.

Obviously that's only for very minor falls.

I wait to see how they respond and react accordingly. I don’t react until they do - 6/10 they get up and carry on, 2/10 they need a little boost, 2/10 they need a serious hug/sympathy/plaster.

I think my reactions were very dependent on when it was my pfb or second who had a much more chill mother. I was a bit overkill on the first running panicking etc but I was learning on the job.

With the second I tended to take a beat and watch his reaction - most the falls are from a small height and no injury not even a fright really so I would give a "oh oh" and offer a cuddle but most times he would rub his hands together and say "silly floor" etc.

@RainbowStew

"Children need a trusted adult to co-regulate them when distressed, until they learn to do it themselves."

I would say that by staying calm you are coregulating the child to also be calm.

I think it's mostly about those first few seconds after a fall. Almost who talks first? If you are first to comment and highlight the fall then it becomes a thing in the child's head. But if you stay silent often the child won't even consider anything to be wrong and they'll carry on playing.

Then if the child is first to make a noise then the caregiver can respond with appropriate level of fuss to match the child's feelings.

I'm in the "Whoops! Up you get!" camp - if they're actually hurt it will quickly become apparent and then of course they get a cuddle, plaster, whatever is called for.

I think it's important they learn to pick themselves up and dust themselves off, literally and metaphorically! A big reaction from parents often just makes things worse and adds to the drama.

I ask if they are ok in the same way I would any other person. PIL always say, “you’re ok,” which I think is rude. You wouldn’t say that to an adult who fell over.

My almost 4yr old fell off his bike a couple of days ago. Not too bad a fall but I went over to him, asked if he was ok, checked him over a bit but also trying to make him laugh rather than cry - it was a 50:50 which way it would go. I said you still have both arms? 1,2 yep. Both legs? 1-2? Phew! And he was back on bike on a minute.

So yeh I definitely wouldn't stand back unless I could see him getting up and brushing himself off, which he does do sometimes but I'd still ask if he was ok.

I also agree with staying calm.

I’m not talking about a child who trips and the bounces back up, and charging into a play area to get them

I’m talking about a fall that might have hurt -and we can all tell by watching it that Mai that be the case, particularly if they are bleeding ! and that’s why, “Are you okay, do you need a cuddle ?” is a pretty good question to ask as they can then tell you,

*may

Yes, I try to make mine laugh too @Hungrycaterpillarsmummy , one of mine thinks it's hilarious if I give out to her for hurting the poor ground with her big strong knee (or whatever). If she doesn't join in it's a sign she has actually hurt herself, if she does she laughs at silly mummy and gets on with whatever she was doing.

Same here

I'm inclined to do as you do. My dh thinks I make too much of a fuss. People have different parenting styles, have confidence in your own.