Grandparents overstepping

[Purplebluetiles]

Does anyone have any advice on how to ignore grandparents and relatives overstepping with baby? It's really making me feel depressed. It started when I was pregnant insisting that I didn't need to buy a baby bath. I know people have opinions, but suggesting something and getting upset when someone doesn't take your advice is another thing. I'm breastfeeding and they consistently let me know he's not getting enough, they constantly ask me why I'm not bringing him downstairs when I'm just trying to bond with him and feed him. They shout up the stairs:"Where's my baby?" It's too much and it's causing problems between me and my partner. My sister said it's my baby and I shouldn't have to explain anything I'm doing in terms of raising him. It's so difficult because when I try to stand up for myself, they get so upset and act as if I'm the most insulting lady in all the land 😞

Well you’ve said it yourself, you need to ignore ignore ignore. It is hard when you have just had a baby and would like family to be supportive.
Other thing to do is limit the amount of time you spend with them, or are you living together?

How old is he?

You're so right, I'm starting to think it's best to ignore it. They just make me feel like an awful mum. We were living with him up until a few months ago, now whenever we're back they're so over the top with him-they won't even let me bring him up to bed when I want to.

@LadyTemperance forgot to tag you above x

@CurlewKate he's 6 months and they've made it feel like such a trek 🙈

No-one would be 'not letting me' do anything with my baby. I think you need to be more assertive, and possibly limit time with them.

SET BOUNDARIES.
and if boundaries are not respected they can be shown the door.
FYI, I’m of the opinion no one is entitled to your baby but you and your partner (the father). So grandparents need to get in line and check themselves before they think they can have a relationship with baby if they’re making you miserable.

it’s so tough, I get it completely. Just set those boundaries. You’re the mom. You have the instinct and you know what’s best for you and baby.

@MooMa83 thanks for your reply, this is exactly how I feel. His grandmother is currently adjusting the straps on the back of his hat because I didn't do it properly. I definitely need to be more assertive but I really struggle with this in general 😅

@Alway1insomethingstat thanks so much! It's so difficult because even when I try to set boundaries they're not respected. I think the exact same thing, they're not immediately entitled to the baby just because they're related. We also have quite different parenting views so it makes it tricky 😞

Set boundaries. Be prepared to fight your corner - some will really make it a fight! I've had a couple of big scenes with MIL over the years, but you just have to not let it get to you. We once went a whole year without her visiting because I had shouted at her - bliss!!!!!

Can you find some anger in you? I found it easier to speak up when I got cross about things rather than upset by them. Think to yourself, it’s my baby, how dare they.

No that doesn’t work for us.
No thank you.
No we are taking some time out now.

It took me a while to find my big girl words with my first, my mum was very much trying to control things, (I was a young single mum so she felt she was helping) what she was actually doing was pissing with glee all over my parenting for her own ego.
It ended up my DC1 being a bit of an arsehole when we were around her because she undermined me constantly and then would say, "Oh, you two are like siblings!" We absolutely fucking were not.
Siblings don't raise their siblings in ordinary worlds, she literally just wanted another go at playing mum and did it by undermining me.
It came to ahead much later than I should have allowed and I flipped out, (straw that broke camels back situation) and said that she'd been asked enough to stop overstepping and since she couldn't, she was destroying, and she was, my experience being a parent. So we were going LC.
And I stuck to it, she had to either accept to stop being fucking awful with trying to control my DC or she didn't see us. End of.

Don't let it get that long for you, I think I put up with it for years and I'm still honestly quite furious of some of the shit she tried to pull or said.

Our relationship was much better once she realised I wasn't going to roll over and let her take away my parenting choices for my DC, she still probably doesn't approve of some of my parenting, but I don't approve of hers, but keeping it to ourselves is much better.

I feel your pain. I have the same issue. My inlaws don’t even understand or respect boundaries.

you just have to keep reminding them when they overstep and let your partner deal with them (if it’s his parents?) or if it’s yours.. nip it in the bud.

Tell them you’ll ask if you need their opinion.

being postpartum and under this stress is the last thing you need.
put yourself and baby first. Don’t worry about everyone else x

You know you’re wet, they know you’re wet, and they’re riding roughshod over you.

Time to stand up for yourself.

You’re doing an amazing job, being a new parent is so hard to navigate anyway without them being difficult. Definitely speak up, not horribly but so they know how they are making you feel. I hope it gets easier x

Yep. And if they shout up the stairs “where’s my baby?” your DH, if he’s downstairs, should tell them it’s not their baby, and to zip it and leave you alone while you’re feeding your baby.

Remember... You are HIS mum. Let them know that. They had their time to raise children. Now it's your turn. You need to learn for yourself, not 2nd hand through them. Yes they probably mean well, but they don't understand how they are making you feel.

With both my mum and MIL I was clear from the outset with both my Boys... If I ask for your opinion... Fine. But ultimately any decisions will be mine and of course DH's.

And with regards to breastfeeding. Take no notice. If you feel your little one is happy, healthy and your HV has no concerns. Tell them to shut it and you don't want to hear another word of the subject. You know your baby best.

Also of they keep making unscheduled stop bys.... Tell them not to. You would prefer of they called first and don't be afraid to say no. I saw a thing in onsta recently and it's says "No is a complete sentence". You don't need to justify your choices for your family.

I don't know you but your are smashing it. Be kind to yourself too 🥰

I’d be seeing a lot less of them if I were you. I have gc and would never behave like this. So rude! Don’t let them push you around.

I’d stop visiting them and when they ask why tell them. You don’t have to stay around people like this. Putin boudaries now or they’ll walk all over you and your child forever.

Do you live with them?

@TinyTeacher you're so right. I do try but they get really offended and act like spoilt babies when I try to say anything. Ooo it's really getting to that stage with us now, I can completely sympathise!

@GodspeedJune I really need to try this because I've been known to sometimes be a pushover in general. I think that's a great idea ☺️

You're not a child or under them. You're a grown up, in your own home, with your own child. You don't need their permission. You tell them you are taking him up to bed and you take him. If they try to stop you, you repeat you are taking him to bed and keep going. If they are too insistent, tell them you're his mother and you say he going to bed.

@Lwrenagain I'm sorry you went through that, it sounds like such a difficult time. I feel like people don't speak enough about relatives overstepping with people's babies because it can really leave you feeling awful! You hit the nail on the head-it's taking away someone's parenting choices 😞

"His hat is fine." "I said his hat is fine.""Would you leave his hat alone, it's fine," while walking away.