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Original poster

Grandparents overstepping

64 replies

Purplebluetiles · 07/07/2023 15:30

Does anyone have any advice on how to ignore grandparents and relatives overstepping with baby? It's really making me feel depressed. It started when I was pregnant insisting that I didn't need to buy a baby bath. I know people have opinions, but suggesting something and getting upset when someone doesn't take your advice is another thing. I'm breastfeeding and they consistently let me know he's not getting enough, they constantly ask me why I'm not bringing him downstairs when I'm just trying to bond with him and feed him. They shout up the stairs:"Where's my baby?" It's too much and it's causing problems between me and my partner. My sister said it's my baby and I shouldn't have to explain anything I'm doing in terms of raising him. It's so difficult because when I try to stand up for myself, they get so upset and act as if I'm the most insulting lady in all the land 😞

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ChocBananaSmoothie · 11/07/2023 08:29

When they say, "Where's my baby?" look at DH and point and say, "He's right here. Why?" Look confused and play dumb. ;-)

Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:30

@Alway1insomethingstat it's my partner's parents and whenever he tries to say anything they ask him if he's ok and why is he being so disagreeable 🤣 full blown narcissism which most overstepping grandparents suffer from anyways 😅 You're so right, it's definitely not needed post partum!

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ChocBananaSmoothie · 11/07/2023 08:30

This is where your DH decides if he wants to be a good husband and father, or a good son. Why is he more concerned about his mother being upset than you being upset?

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:31

@Hibiscrubbed you're completely right!! At the stage where I don't even care if they're offended 🤭

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:31

@Tillie12 thank you so much, that's so kind ☺️☺️

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:34

@FictionalCharacter you're so right! It's literally so irritating to be feeding him and hearing his mother complain about how I'm keeping the baby away from them 😅

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Ossoduro2 · 11/07/2023 08:40

I’ve had this experience too although I was very boundaries and it caused massive problems.

I think when you have a new baby, as a mum, you feel part of them and they are sort of part of you for a long time after they are born, like you’re not entirely two separate people yet. When my mother in law would get in my baby’s face and be annoying to him if felt like she was invading my space as well even though she technically wasn’t.

I also think that any grandparent who has an issue with breastfeeding is a bit of a red flag. Mine kept banging on about switching my baby to formula but it was only because she wanted to ‘play mum’, it wasn’t because she actually thought it was better for him!

Ignore ignore ignore. And see less of them. It will get easier as the kids get older and they can say “leave my hat alone, it’s fine” without you feeling like you need to advocate for your child!

Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:50

@boymumma1923 thank you so much ☺️ I definitely have to get better at speaking up but it's difficult when his Mum sees any kind of communication like that as confrontation. You're so right -they had their time already! We know so much more now too and a lot of their advice is dated. Oof exactly that, I'm so over explaining every little thing I do! 🤭

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:51

@Keeeeetones we've actually moved and I get daily messages from my partner's mother saying it feels like there's a piece of her heart missing 🙈 so ott

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ChocBananaSmoothie · 11/07/2023 08:51

You don't have to explain what you are doing. "Because it works for us." "We've discussed it with the health visitor and decided this is what is best for our family." "It's what we've decided as parents."

ChocBananaSmoothie · 11/07/2023 08:52

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:51

@Keeeeetones we've actually moved and I get daily messages from my partner's mother saying it feels like there's a piece of her heart missing 🙈 so ott

"Have you checked that with the doctor?"

Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:52

You're soo right! I didn't even see it happening at first and now I'm full on being told what to do with him.

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:55

@speluncean We did up until a few weeks ago. I think that's why OH's Mum thinks she has more claim over baby. A

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:57

@ChocBananaSmoothie I really appreciate that, it's getting to the stage where I don't even care what they think anymore so I'll def be trying that next time!

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speluncean · 11/07/2023 09:01

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:55

@speluncean We did up until a few weeks ago. I think that's why OH's Mum thinks she has more claim over baby. A

I did wonder if that was the case. Now that you're not living together you can put in stronger boundaries. Good luck.

caringcarer · 11/07/2023 09:02

If my MiL shouted upstairs to me 'wheres my baby'? I'd shout back down 'Your baby is downstairs with you MiL. My baby is upstairs being fed with me'. I would not let her get away with it. Why has your DH not got your back? I'd be raging at him for not supporting you and stopping his parents trying to take over. Talk to your DH and tell him to step up.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 11/07/2023 09:02

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 08:57

@ChocBananaSmoothie I really appreciate that, it's getting to the stage where I don't even care what they think anymore so I'll def be trying that next time!

Sorry for the silly answers. Sometimes you've just got to laugh though. I know how annoying grandparents who think they own the kids more than you do are, and how awful it is to have a husband who is more concerned about upsetting his mother than yourself. I wish I'd made mine deal with his mother rather than letting him make me do it all the time.

Just remember who this baby's mother is. You'll have to show the grandparents their place by asserting yours.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 11/07/2023 09:05

They don’t care about hurting you or what you think, so don’t care about hurting them either.

Set boundaries and stick to them now, or you’ll have years and years of this.

Cornishclio · 11/07/2023 09:09

As a grandmother myself I totally get how annoying that must be. I certainly have tried not to offer advice unless asked for to my DD. A different dynamic though as they live close to us and we offered and they accepted regular childcare when my DGDs were babies.

I think the response to your PIL when she asks where "her" baby is to remind her your partner is her child and your son is your baby. See less of them and maybe don't stay over until they start to accept boundaries. In the future though you might enjoy involved grandparents to help with childcare so try and be nice and emphasise how it makes you feel when they try and take over.

Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 09:10

@ChocBananaSmoothie omg I love this!! 🤣🤣 I needed a laugh honestly! You're so right, I think people in general do way too much explaining themselves when they shouldn't have to. Love the doctor one hahaha I swear I'll be thinking of responses like that next time something like that is said.

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CurlewKate · 11/07/2023 09:19

Can I just say very gently that you need to be careful of the battles you choose. Obviously anything which affects safety should be dealt with swiftly and decisively. And questioning something like breastfeeding is unforgivable. But. Babies can't have too many people who love them in their lives. And does it really matter if one of those people adjusts his hat? I remember when my dd was little, my mother used to come in and call "Where's my girl?" And my dd used to come running yelling "Here she is! Here's your girl!!" It was so sweet. Because she was my mum's girl. She was part of a loving family. She knew, and my mum knew who her mother was! So be super strong about the important things- but remember that helping children develop relationships with other people is an important part of parenting, so pick your battles.

CattingAbout · 11/07/2023 09:22

I've been there OP, it will get easier as your baby grows you get more sleep and you become more confident about your parenting. You're doing an amazing job and well done for moving out of your inlaws house!

The really key thing is not to get drawn into extensive discussion about your parenting choices. You will never actually get them to agree with you - what you are looking for is that they keep their views to themselves and accept how you are doing things.

You need short phrases you just use on repeat until PILs get bored because they aren't getting a reaction.

Things like:

"I'll give that some thought"
"It works for us"
"this is how we do things"
"no-one does that any more"

Can they visit at your house rather than you going to theirs? It's always easier to be assertive on your own turf.

Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 09:28

@Ossoduro2 it's so difficult isn't it! That's exactly it, I did feel like he was still part of me so when they wouldn't give him back to me or kept passing him around the room, it made me feel almost delirious-the most awful feeling ever!

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 09:28

@caringcarer I'm definitely going to try that next time! He does try but they ask him if he's ok and what his problem is, why is he so angry so he's literally being gaslit by his parents 🤣

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Original poster

Purplebluetiles · 11/07/2023 09:44

@PeachesOnTheBeaches no they definitely don't! 😅 You're so right, if something's not done now it'll just get worse. It's mostly OH's Mother who is full on trying to make life decisions for DS now 😣

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