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Original poster

How to deal with DD refusal of seeing her Dad

52 replies

potatosalad9 · 02/07/2023 18:31

My DD is 7, split from her dad when she was 3. He started off with a 50/60 split but this has now gone to every other weekend and no other contact in between (his choice).

The last 6 months she has refused to go see him. I've tried to support both of them, I never say for him not to try and collect her and I allow him to come and try and talk her round. Sometimes she point blank refuses to get in the car, others she goes but then has to come home a few hours later as she's upset or makings things miserable for his family. She will not stay under any circumstances and refuses to try. Because I never tell him not to come (this wouldn't be fair) it can mean he's turning up on 'his weekends' up to six times a weekend, I can't fault him for not giving up but it's distressing for her which is in turn distressing for me and it also means our whole weekends are around his plans and when he wants to come try again. I also don't want to see my ex six times in 48 hours. Where do I stand with this? I don't ever want to look like I'm refusing him access but is it reasonable to expect me to facilitate this many visits over 48 hours and also is it fair on DD when it's causing so much distress?

This leads me to another issue. A year ago it was agreed her dad would have her for a week in the summer holidays to go away. The first time he'd have had her this long. As she hasn't stayed overnight with him for the last six months I just can't see how it's rationale to think this can still go ahead. How do I broach this subject without looking confrontational? I really don't want to fall out with my ex and I want to be reasonable at all times but I feel like the lines blurred sometimes between doing what's right to keep the peace and what's right DD. She also refuses to eat anything when with him, I believe as a way of control (although he won't see that). A week away would be a disaster but I can't just allow him to turn up and try as if she doesn't go I need to plan childcare around work. I was thinking of also offering no maintenance to be paid the month of the holiday to cover the costs of her place (uk break in families accommodation).

Does anyone have any advise on if it's reasonable to ask for him to only try and take her say twice on his weekend rather than expecting me to be in the entire time for when it suits him to come back and how to broach the holiday without looking obstructive? There is no court order in place and I've tried to speak to her both with ex present and separately about what's causing this refusal but she just says she's happier at home.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 02/07/2023 18:35

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go. He doesn't want her and children aren't stupid, they know when this is happening.
Her stuff is with you. Her home is with you.
Why would she want to go off to an indifferent adults house for the weekend.
I know exactly how she feels because I was treated the same by my own mother and was heart broken at the time. I remember being 4 and 5 and knowing exactly what was going on.

Starlightstarbright2 · 02/07/2023 18:43

Tbh I think it sounds like it has turned into a great big game for her .

no if she can’t manage an overnight with him a holiday is ridiculous.

I think looking at what would help her transition.. could you meet at the park .

what happens when she doesn’t go ? Does she do something great / exciting .

no 6 times is unreasonable .

i would change it up pack her bag . Put it by the door . Right I am off food shopping / about to mop the floor etc. off you go ( something boring she doesn’t enjoy )

reading it she gets a lot more attention not going than going .

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 18:46

What family lives with him - is it a houseful? His DPs? Other children?

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Original poster
potatosalad9 · 02/07/2023 18:47

No I make sure if she doesn't go we don't do anything exciting, we just stay in for the day. His house is very busy, 5 other kids and his new partner. It's just me and her here.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 02/07/2023 18:49

Him trying 6 times each weekend is madness. I would allow an attempt on Saturday and an attempt on Sunday. It must be traumatic for dd too.
Would your dd be up for short visits on Saturday and/or Sunday? Start with say 2 hours and see if she will work up to 8+ hours.
It's not your fault that dd won't go on holiday with him. It's not your fault that she can see through his 💩. Yanbu to bring up the holiday. Ex must realise that she's going to ruin it if forced to go.

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 18:49

What ages are they -are they the new partners?

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 18:51

Oof, don’t blame her not wanting to go.

Original poster
potatosalad9 · 02/07/2023 18:51

Thanks everyone for your advice. Children age from a tiny baby to an 18 year old. His partner has been on the scene for 18 months and there's already a baby on the scene so it a big change for her and I do get it.

OP posts:
Chocolateatanyop · 02/07/2023 18:52

I would ask that he take her out for a couple of hours for a few weeks to see if things improve and so they spend time together or even that he sits and plays a board game or something with her in your house if she doesn’t want to go with him to stay . When I was pregnant with DS , DSD went through a phase of this and we just worked round it for a while

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 18:57

Would she have her own bedroom?
How well does she know other family members?
I keep asking questions but to go to such a crowded house -I would hate it.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 02/07/2023 19:04

I think that you might be best to try and change the whole thing about a bit and see if it helps.

Could you speak to your ex and agree to meet in a park/soft play etc for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning on his weekends? Sit back with a coffee and a book and let him take the lead but physically be there. Then after a couple of times get him to take her for lunch and bring her back to yours after, and work it up gradually to him having her for the whole weekend with just the handover happening at soft play/playground.

I do have to say that I'm team DD in all of this. If as an adult someoneone who I spent half of my waking hours with cut my contact with them down to 2 nights a month for no good reason, I'd probably not be that keen to hang out with them. She is doing exactly as he has done - and he doesn't like it either! But in the interests of her long term mental health I'd look at some sort of play therapy or something to help her give more voice to her feelings.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 02/07/2023 19:07

Older step siblings? Can she relay if she has any sort of relationship with them? Good or bad.... Maybe an answer there op.

Original poster
potatosalad9 · 02/07/2023 19:09

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it. I completely agree I see it from DDs point of view 120%. I'm just absolutely terrified of it getting nasty with ex and making the wrong suggestion. I think everyone's ideas of meeting somewhere neutral and building time up really helpful and I will suggest this. I think I just needed other people's opinions as a bit of a sounding board that it wasn't just me. I had considered therapy but didn't know if I was being OTT so it's nice to see other people suggest it.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 21:00

Yikes. So he shacked up with another woman with four kids, promptly reduced how much he wants to see her, rapidly had a new baby…

I can understand why she won’t go. It’ll be crowded, she won’t have her own space and I expect she gets sweet fuck all time with and interest from her father while she’s there. She’ll be expected to slot into their hectic (and rushed!) family life.

J0S · 02/07/2023 21:04

It’s not your job to persuade get to go.

J0S · 02/07/2023 21:05

Persuade her to go

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 02/07/2023 21:33

Actually a judge absolutely would deem it op's ', job' to encourage her dd to see her df...

J0S · 03/07/2023 05:44

There is no judge - the Op has said there is no court order.

encourage her to go if she wants to - yes. Make her available - yes.

persuade her to go when she is Adamant she doesn’t want to - no. Try to force her 6 times over two days - no. Punish her by making her stay in all day - no.

Don’t you have any idea how distressing or traumatic this could be for child?

Her father is the one who has changed the contacts schedule and assumes that his child and her mother will just fit in with his plan. It’s supposed to be about the child’s needs, not his.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 03/07/2023 06:18

Yikes! 5 more kids - that's a busy, noisy house! I wouldn't want to go!
With you, it's only her and you and peace. Of course she prefers it.
Also her father dropped her like a hot potato to shack up with a new woman and is playing happy family with a new baby already on the scene. Of course she wouldn't like it.

If your DD was mine, I wouldn't force her to see her dad. She's clearly distressed there. I wouldn't want that for her.
If her dad wants to meet her at a neutral place to spend quality one on one time with just her, I'm sure she would be fine with that. I think she's avoiding the chaos at her dad's home.

Also, be sure to update your CMS payment to reflect that you take care of your DD almost all overnights. You seem scared of your ex.

Original poster
potatosalad9 · 03/07/2023 06:50

Thank you for everyone's comments. Please know I am not 'punishing' my daughter for not seeing her Dad. I am trying very hard to manage everyones needs in this situation and I'm also aware should I just tell him to get lost (like every bone in my body wants to) and I end up in a court, this would reflect badly on me and may end up with a court order I have to enforce that is worse for her than the current situation.

I know what he's done is awful, I know he's dropped her like a hot potato for another family but I have no control over that. I just want to manage her emotional needs in the best way I can without ending up in court and looking like a mother who is refusing Jed daughter a relationship with her child.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 03/07/2023 07:26

Could you drop her off instead ?

Donotshushme · 03/07/2023 07:39

Sounds like she's a very anxious child around contact with her father. It's the refusal to eat that gets me. I suffered extreme anxiety as a child and the key thing for me was feeling totally unable to eat but i couldn't verbalise that it was anxiety. It was caused by adults putting too much pressure on me about something. Listen to your daughter. Him turning up 6 times in a weekend to try and coerce your small daughter into contact with someone she doesn't want to stay overnight with isn't doing her any favours. I think you should talk to her and ask her what level of contact or activity she would be happy with. Then speak to the dad. Getting together with a woman with children, then having another baby very quickly were all his choices. She's struggling with the consequences of that so she deserves a bit more consideration from her dad.

If she didn't want to go on holiday with him and his new family i certainly wouldn't force her.

cuckyplunt · 03/07/2023 07:41

She’s 7yo. She does what she is told. End of..!

Starlightstarbright2 · 03/07/2023 07:50

Reading your update . I am not surprised she is refusing to go .

I would say back to basics . He needs to build up contact with dad again . A few hours a week 1-1 time . To go from been an only child to five is a huge transition.

sanityisamyth · 03/07/2023 07:59

My DS(9) doesn't like seeing his dad and hasn't done since he was 2/3 years old. He's now moved away to where it is a 5 hour round trip for DS (10 hours driving for Ex) but I've suggested he stay in a Travelodge where we live - cheaper than petrol and no driving for DS. Flat refusal so DS is now only going to see him during school holidays for 4-5 days. DS very happy but cannot wait until he's 11/12 and can be taken seriously when he says "he hates his dad".