To working mums, how much "me time" do you get?

[mackchar]

Just that, really. I have two pre-school DCs and I work 4 days a week, look after DCs 1 day a week. Weekends I do all the childcare Saturday as DH is out all day with a hobby. Sunday ends up being a family day. I only have my evenings (8-10) as "me" time, but this is usually spent tidying and cooking. I'm exhausted.

We each do a hobby one evening during the week. Husband Monday, me Wednesday. Saturday mornings assuming no plans i usually do Parkrun. Some weekends we have family time, other weekends husband may have a hobby morning on a Sunday. I see friends with or without husband at weekends (childfree) maybe once a month/twice a month.

It's a bit of a mix for us but neither of our hobbies are team sports so are a specific 3 hours on a Saturday (parkrun for me is usually over by 10am on a Saturday and that's the closest to 'team sport' at a designated time i suppose).

Does your husband have to do a hobby every single Saturday all day? What happens if you want to see friends on a Saturday?

That should say ARE NOT 3 hours every Saturday

I pretty much only have the evenings 8.30-10.30ish but DH cooks as I do bedtime and I do minimal tidying in that time as I desperately need that time to just relax.
I also actively plan things so I get time to myself or time with my friends without DC. I also find that the odd day off is helpful although it’s taken me years not to feel guilty about this. My oldest is now in primary school and my youngest pre school age and I have started to find that I can carve out time in the day to read or watch something while they play, obviously I get interrupted a lot but I’m keeping on with it as I find it helps me.

It gets easier as the kids are older. Mine is 10 now and as a LP I don't get so much "me" time as such but quiet time to work from home is much easier now, and for the last couple of years. Your kids are still super young.

Um.. not loads, but some of it is self-inflicted. I work full time; and then like to be with DS when I'm not as I miss him. DH would be fine with me saying I needed to go for a walk or have a bath or whatever.

I try to maximise what I do get. We eat when DS does so that we don't spend all evening cooking... we do sometimes save dessert for when he's in bed, or have a glass of wine outside, or whatever. We both do half an hour of tidying/cleaning etc once he's down; and that keeps the place in pretty good nick. He enjoys helping to hoover and sweep so we can usually get that done during the week now.

We're in a sleep regression so he's waking every 1.5-2 hours; which means I'm not getting much time right now, but it'll get better...

Are there changes you could make that would make things easier for you?

I think being out all day every Saturday is a bit much to be honest with two young DC

Why does you DH get a whole day to do his cycling/golf/medieval reenactment but you get no time?

A lot more time than that. For a start, I'd be alternating the Saturdays with your husband. Find an activity for mid-week, or just pick an evening where you pop somewhere, a friends, the cinema, place to read a book, a sport. Doesn't have to be expensive.

If you don't carve out time for yourself, who will? It's full on with children, be kind to yourself and make sure you get down-time.

There's not a chance I would work all week and then do all the childcare by myself every Saturday.

Where's your down time?! And sorry I don't think a few hours of an evening counts. Is DH also having free time then too?

You either both get a Saturday by alternating, or you have the Sunday to yourself. That's only fair surely

Also should add, i work 4 days in 3, so 2 days with DD (18m). It probably does make a difference but we just have the one child so bedtime is not crazy. We eat together and when one of us puts her to bed, the other tidies the kitchen

Interesting to hear your responses!

DH's hobby is seasonal so he only blocks off Saturdays for the summer months. But it's a sporting commitment so he's got to be all in or not do it at all. The "deal" we've made is that I have Sundays to myself, but we often end up using Sunday as a chance to go out on day trips, to see friends or I'm usually so tired that all I want to do is sleep, read and do things in the house (which doesn't work as DCs are here so I end up sharing childcare anyway).

I used to have 1pm to 3pm on a Friday as my freedom window, house to myself between finishing work and picking up kids. But since dh started wfh in 2020, that's gone. I run once a week for two hours on a sunday, that's it.

I work four days but DD is in nursery five days, so I get one weekday to myself. I also do yoga class two nights a week after DD bedtime. DH does a team sport for most of the day on Saturday and is more likely to travel away for weekends with mates etc than me. I'm happy-ish with the balance.

Yeah I'd be knocking DHs hobby on the head. Suggest he finds something that is more flexible or can be done evenings. Or he commits to you having Sunday to yourself if you want to, so that it's fair. But you'll need to be strict with yourself and enforce that.

I work full time but do one day a week at home and try to get household jobs done that day as much as poss. Our daughter does a long day at nursery that day which helps and I get up early to fit everything in. We both work weekend days in addition so share this childcare responsibility. I have two hobbies I do weekday evenings but not every week, depends on how I feel. I get up early if I want to run etc. Outside that I'd say me time is limited but I think that's what you sign up for to be honest?! We both support each other to have evenings/days out as we want to. To be fair, I probably do more solo social stuff with friends than he does but I'd be happy for him to do more if he wanted. We're lucky our jobs mean we can both be home for teatime so we eat as a family most days and probably have at least one half day all together each weekend.

I listen to a podcast while cooking and then again while doing the washing up.

That's about it!

Does your DH help with cooking and housework in the evening? A whole day over the weekend is excessive. What sport is it that it takes all day?

All day every Saturday for the summer is taking the complete piss.

If you're happy to go with that (I wouldn't be, but if he loves a sport maybe you are), then I think you should have every Sunday morning, year round. That includes staying in bed and him getting the kids up and keeping them quiet and away from you.

Ours are 5 and 3, we both work FT. We don't get much me-time, but our downtime is the evenings once they're down. Even then one or both of us is usually working. It's not great.

@mackchar Me and my DP work full time and we have a 1 year old. Down time is usually 8-10pm. My partner plays golf for 4 hrs during the summer months but this is either a Saturday or a Sunday and tend to be every other week. I get my me time by going out with friends on alternate Saturdays, or having date night.

I wouldn’t be happy or accept all childcare duties every Saturday for the Summer months. This means that I wouldn’t get a break at all, which appears to be your situation.

You sound like another cricket widow OP!

I wouldn't be happy doing all the parenting every Saturday, especially as I know from experience that the other day will always get taken up with seeing friends/family or having a nice family day out (which is lovely, but not the same as time off). Surely there's a way he can just do his hobby part-time? I'm guessing cricket team - they will have stand-ins for if someone is sick or can't make it.

My partner does a hobby that means he's away around 10 Saturdays or Sundays per year plus a few evenings a month, and even that feels like a bit much sometimes. But I have plenty of time off too, I just have to ensure I get it - so I'll book a night away by myself (heaven!), or I'll just let him know I'm taking a few hours off one Saturday to do something by myself. I tend not to go out in the evenings, but I might go for a bike ride on a nice summer evening.

I crave time alone and desperately need it to recharge, so it's essential for me that I make sure I get time off. You have to put yourself first, as clearly he's not going to do it.

Whenever we feel we need it to be honest. Usually on a weekly basis. DP will meet a friend for lunch or he'll go for a coffee walk etc.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant so between working and not wanting to move off the sofa not much atm🤣

I did just have breakfast with my friend whisky DD napped at home with DP.

My MIL loves taking her once or twice a month overnight for a sleep over so that also gives us plenty of time.

We also give each other a long lie at the weekends. So I'll have Saturday and he will have Sunday. We don't ever sleep past 9, so we can get up and out by early lunch time to enjoy our weekend.

Was just saying to my best friend who has 3 Dc how important it is to take time to yourself. You'll just end up burning out!

Whilst* not whisky 🤣🤣

Oh yes, we do weekend lie-ins too if we're not going anywhere. I love my guaranteed few hours off on a Sunday morning and usually use it to do some gardening or go for a walk. He uses his to sleep - waste of time if you ask me!

On a regular basis, I have time in the house from 7:30pm until I go to bed (although obviously have to fit chores into that time too), and I have Sunday mornings when DH takes DD out swimming.
On an ad hoc basis, I can go out with friends or whatever any time I like so long as DH doesn’t already have plans (and vice versa). Most of my friends also have small children so it doesn’t happen that often though.

We’ve never had an overnight without our child, we don’t have family in a position to babysit and I don’t have anyone else I’d feel comfortable leaving her with.

I think this is pretty common with small children there isn’t much down time it’s either work, childcare or recovering from work/childcare.

i know it’s not much consolation now but it does get easier as they get older and more independent, starting school is a game changer.

As for your husband being out on a Sunday if that’s what you’ve agreed for the season you need to put up with it until the season is over and decide whether you want the same next year. For what it’s worth I have a seasonal hobby and my husband has to look after dc whilst I’m doing it. I couldn’t just quit because he didn’t want me to do it (I’m a beekeeper) but I would be able to address his concerns and do something about it next year.