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Parenting

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Original poster

Stopping my child being around his dads partner

84 replies

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 12:39

Hi. My child's recently come to me and says he doesn't want to see his dads partner because he thinks she doesn't like him. I've asked him to elaborate and he's said she doesn't speak much, shouts a lot. I've also received a message from a made up social media account telling me what an awful mother I am, and I believe it's her. So I've told my child's dad he isn't allowed to be at home when he has our child if she's there. So he'll have to stay elsewhere with him (family)
They do live together and have been together a few years with their own children.
Where do I stand if he doesn't listen and still takes our child there? Can I call the police? Contact social services? Court?
My child stays there from Thurs-Sunday

OP posts:

Escapefromhell · 26/06/2023 14:16

Bear in mind that your child could be telling your ex all sorts of things about you. Four year olds are very imaginative and like to tell people things they think that they want to hear.

You can’t dictate who your ex allows to be around your child any more than he can.

If you continue down this line your ex could go to court and make a complaint of parental alienation against you.

AdviceNeeded22222 · 26/06/2023 14:17

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 13:49

But surely if social services hear for themselves from my son that he doesn't want to be around her then surely they can contact his dad and say keep him away 🤷‍♀️

This made me laugh.
You know the threshold for children's services involvement don't you?? - let me give you some perspective.
My ex punched me in square on in the face INFRONT of my daughter, he dragged me down the stairs by my hair and kicked me in the ribs and back whilst my daughter was the top of the stairs.
Children's services became involved, made me flee and promised to support us.. I fled - they dropped us.
You really don't have a clue.
It's women/mothers like you that throw around the withdrawal of contact etc that make actual abused women suffer at the hands of family court judges.
It's embarrassing.

Original poster

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 14:19

Appleofmyeye2023 · 26/06/2023 14:09

Why are you only seeing your child Monday to Wednesday? That’s unusual for such a young child especially when you split before child was born.

No I have him back Sunday and take him to nursery Thursday. And because I need to work too 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

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KohlaParasaurus · 26/06/2023 14:23

When my stepdaughter was four I'm sure she'd have been prepared to claim that I whipped her, threw her in a dungeon and didn't give her anything to eat if she'd thought that was what her mummy wanted to hear.

Makemyday99 · 26/06/2023 14:24

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 13:49

But surely if social services hear for themselves from my son that he doesn't want to be around her then surely they can contact his dad and say keep him away 🤷‍♀️

That’s not how it works, kids can spout all sorts of things if they are coached by a parent especially if break ups are contentious. I’m genuinely shocked you would go to such lengths to try & interfere with their relationship, you sound bitter & your ex sounds sensible

CapEBarra · 26/06/2023 14:28

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 13:10

He's suggested we all need to meet up and talk but I'm not interested. All I want to know is if he takes him to their house can the police go and get him back because of safety concerns. Or will social services help me

Social services will think you’re a nutter. You share custody of your child and your ex has as much right as you to introduce him to whomever he wants. Your ex is absolutely right that you need to sit down and talk about it and he can take you to court if you attempt to withhold contact. Unless your ex is breaking the law then of course the police can’t do anything. You also need to get further information about the shouting - is she shouting at him every now and again because he’s swinging from the curtains/biting his sibling’s fingers/stealing or is it constant?

BoohooWoohoo · 26/06/2023 14:28

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 13:49

But surely if social services hear for themselves from my son that he doesn't want to be around her then surely they can contact his dad and say keep him away 🤷‍♀️

That's not how it works at all.

Do you think that your ex is leaving his partner to do the disciplining and childcare while he acts the Disney Dad and goes to work during those days?

Based on your son's description that sounds like someone who doesn't like him but he's only 4 so probably won't see background stuff like his dad's gf being forced to do childcare by ex etc I'm not saying that your son is lying but young kids often use shouted when it's a stranger telling them off when a third person observing the incident might call it an alternative like talking sternly. This isn't a criticism of your son but something my kids have said about adults at school. They aren't lying or exaggerating on purpose - it's how they perceive things.

I think that you should talk to ex. Maybe Thursday - Sunday needs to change? I've been divorced for 10 years and sometimes the contact routine has to change as the kids grow up or life stuff happens. Playing Devil's Advocate here but maybe she finds it stressful having a 4yo every Thursday to Sunday? If her and ex work Monday to Friday then she might feel better if they had the odd weekend together (ie need a change in contact)

He is not going to stop seeing her and a court would say it's up to him who ds sees. As a pp said it's time to play things smart and get a solution that he might agree to.

NeverThatSerious · 26/06/2023 14:29

Honestly I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. So she doesn’t talk much, according to your ex she’s going through a lot, she’s not infallible, she shouts sometimes, again, not infallible, but it’s not directed at your child anyway. Your ex and his partner are willing to meet and talk about this, to allay your concerns but you’re too busy getting yourself riled up about ‘abuse’…

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 14:33

You're being completely ridiculous.

MossCow · 26/06/2023 14:38

Can you imagine saying to social services that you want to stop a four-year-old visiting the home of his father, because he didn't like his father's partner and that his father wanted you and him and a partner to meet up and talk about it, and you said no, you weren't interested, you just wanted him to not see his own son?

How could you possibly think that social services would agree with your plan?

SnapPop · 26/06/2023 14:39

OP, do you think that social services gets involved in every family when the parent or step parent shouts at the child? They simply don't have the resources for that. It's not ideal but the best thing for you to do at this point is to talk to your ex and try to find other ways of tackling this.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/06/2023 14:46

Next time there's a case of an abused child in the news, read about the red flags that SS ignore in order to give the parents a chance.
I remember reading about the Baby P case and he was living in a house with dog shit smeared on the walls and his injuries would be covered in chocolate when social workers visited but they still have the parents chance after chance.

They aren't going to get involved unless there is extreme circumstances like gf living with a sex offender.

It sounds like your son has no problems with his dad so it would be cruel to stop contact with him. If he took you to court he would get 50% and be allowed to decide who ds sees.

Lwrenagain · 26/06/2023 14:53

Why are you not interested in meeting her?
She's with your son loads, far more than an EoW stepmum and even then, wouldn't it be nice to attempt coparenting in a more effective way that winding yourself up over how she may be, as opposed to is?

Your DS deserves you to at at least try to be amicable with his other set of parents.

You might end up all being happier upon meeting.
Go meet her, be pleasant and see what can be done about your DS feeling anxious about his time with his dad.

You wanting him to leave her and other children part the week is absolutely batshit.

ChatBFP · 26/06/2023 15:01

This is mad, but your ex partner might be asking to meet you because his DP is struggling to cope with all kids over a weekend.

Maybe a constructive conversation could be had, whereby you agree a new visiting schedule that might reduce stress for everyone concerned - you take son before work at weekends, dad takes all kids out on a Saturday or whatever. Clearly, SM is struggling a bit and it would be better to find something that would work for all.

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:01

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 14:19

No I have him back Sunday and take him to nursery Thursday. And because I need to work too 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

When do you get any quality time with your son?

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:02

I feel for your ex. I really do.

but I suspect that given you need him to work, you will backtrack.

however it will just be yet another instance of the two of you failing to co parent effectively with your son’s best interests at the forefront

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:04

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 13:49

But surely if social services hear for themselves from my son that he doesn't want to be around her then surely they can contact his dad and say keep him away 🤷‍♀️

Good grief OP

I can’t quite fathom that you would think that this is the case

and if you have spouted this nonsense as a threat to your ex.. I hope he laughed.

Sirzy · 26/06/2023 15:10

Surely sitting down and talking about things like adults is by far the best approach?

Spirallingdownwards · 26/06/2023 15:11

pinkmarshmalloww · 26/06/2023 12:43

I've told him he won't be seeing our child again if goes against my wishes and he takes our son and sees her. Don't I have that right?

Show quote history

No you do not.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/06/2023 15:14

There is only one person who sounds a bit unhinged in this scenario. I wouldn't call social services if I were you. They may decide he should stay full time with his Dad and his partner.

theemmadilemma · 26/06/2023 15:17

What world are you living in that you think this is how things work?

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:28

Sirzy · 26/06/2023 15:10

Surely sitting down and talking about things like adults is by far the best approach?

Do you honestly see someone like the OP doing this? At any point in any scenario?

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:29

Spirallingdownwards · 26/06/2023 15:14

There is only one person who sounds a bit unhinged in this scenario. I wouldn't call social services if I were you. They may decide he should stay full time with his Dad and his partner.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if SS is already aware of the OP

Whatthefuck3456 · 26/06/2023 15:38

She brings your son up 4 days the week, you do only 3. It sounds like you just don’t like this!

Slothlikemum · 26/06/2023 16:22

Whatthefuck3456 · 26/06/2023 15:38

She brings your son up 4 days the week, you do only 3. It sounds like you just don’t like this!

A few people have mentioned this but it's not quite true necessarily.

Her DS is there Thurs -Sun - so 3 overnights as opposed to 4 with her.
She drops at nursery on Thursday morning so they have him Thurs evening and Friday (when not at nursery?) and all day Saturday. Op says she has him back Sunday so may have most of that day.

It's close to 50:50 or slightly in OP's favour.

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